(Patrick's POV)

Guilt.

I couldn't focus on anything else but that feeling. It was like a spider's venom. Soaring through my veins. Talking over every part of me. Slowly consuming my entire being until it was all that was left in me.

Maybe I just needed to change my way of thinking. I should be proud of myself for not going all the way. Despite the intensity of it, all we really did was kiss. I mean, yeah his hands were under my shirt. Yeah, each inch of him was pressed against each inch of me. Yeah, we were grabbing at each other damn near hard enough to leave bruising. But we didn't go all the way!

We stopped before we could do something we'd both regret. Not that I didn't regret the kiss. I did! I wish I'd been able to control myself more respectively. But it was only a kiss. A touch of the lips. Nothing to beat myself in the head over. Nothing I should be thinking about this much. I didn't fuck my best friend. And that's all that really mattered, right? It couldn't be technically considered cheating.

God, it sounded like bullshit even in my own mind. I knew I would lose my fucking cool if Pete and Ryan did half of what me and Brendon had done. I shouldn't be trying to justify my fucked up actions in my own head just to make myself feel better. I should be confessing my sins to Pete. Begging for his forgiveness.

I wanted us to have totally honesty between each other. I didn't want us to end up in the same web of lies we'd weaved before. That was a hard lesson well learned. No more lies. No more sleeping with people behind each other's back. No more cheating. No more double lives. And no more fucking secrets!

How did this use to be so easy for me? I remember when I'd go back and forth between Elisa and Pete all in one day and wouldn't feel a thing. Screwing them both on many occasions mere hours a part. The guilt was bitter sweet. Bitter because I felt like complete shit. Sweet because it showed I was growing as a person . My love for Pete was growing to the point where I felt like I shouldn't do him wrong.

I was a new man. And as a new man I needed to come clean to my boyfriend about the mistake I'd made. He'd be mad but he'd be more hurt if he found out later. Especially if it wasn't me who told him. Tyler claimed he wasn't going to get into the middle of it but I couldn't be sure. I could tell he had a thing for my man. I wasn't crazy. A man knows when someone is crushing on the person they love. It was only a matter of time before he spilled what he knew to get closer to him. I needed to tell him now.

I glanced over at him pressed against my side. His cheek rubbing against my shoulder like a feline looking for attention.

"Pete."

"Yeah?" He looked away from the television immediately.

"I-we need to talk about something."

"Oh?" I don't know if it was my face or my voice that told him it was serious. But his expression dulled when he sat up. "What about?"

"I love you a lot."

"I know that." His eyes narrowed. "Has that changed?"

"No. God no!" As if it could. "I just mean that I love you so much that I want our relationship to be different than last time."

"Different how?"

"I want us to be completely honest with each other. No lies. No secrets."

I was confused by the way Pete reacted to that. I expected him to be suspicious of me. To see right through my stalling. But instead he took on a look of worry. An uncomfortable mood filling the room. It was clear then that I wasn't the only one hiding something. Now the question was whose secret was the worst.

Please let it be mine.

"Have we not been honest with each other so far?"

His nails dug into the palm of his hand. The false confusion on his face wasn't fooling me. There was something he wasn't telling me. Something I had to get him to confess to first. No matter  how small it was. And then I'd tell him I slipped up to. We'd have no choice but to forgive each other.

"No." I shook my head. Watching his face for any give aways. "I don't think we have."

His eyes narrowed under my scrutiny. "You did something, didn't you?"

Duh. Of course. But I wasn't going to admit to shit until he did. "Did you?"

"Why are you asking this?"

"Why aren't you answering?"

"Why aren't you?" He shot back. I should have seen that one coming.

I didn't want to hurt him. That's why I wasn't answering. I needed to be honest, at least with myself. I don't know if I would have admitted to my wrong doings after Pete did. Because I knew whatever he was holding back wouldn't be as bad as my coming on to Brendon. I needed him to confess so I could stop feeling the way I was.

That wasn't fair. But it was true. And even if I don't fess up, Tyler would no doubt do it for me soon enough.

Maybe that's what I needed. That might make this all easier on me. I'd just wait for Tyler to get back and then get him to tell Pete what I'd done. It wouldn't the same as Pete finding out from him later. I'd be present. I'd ask him to tell him because I couldn't bring myself to do it.

The full truth wouldn't be told then. Because Tyler didn't know the full truth. He didn't know how I'd been gawking after Brendon while we were working. He didn't know my filthy thoughts. Or that the entire thing had been my fault. He only knew what he saw. Us kissing on the couch. Anything could have led up to that. For all he knew, Brendon came onto me.

Yeah, I was still a piece of shit for having that mindset. But it wasn't the worst way to go about things.

"Maybe we should wait for Tyler to come back."

"Tyler? Why? You spoke to Tyler? Why?"

"He stopped by yesterday because he said he didn't want to go back to the hotel. Like he was upset with you or something."

"He... did not tell me that part."

"Maybe that's a good thing."

"What did you two talk about?"

"I think we should wait for-"

"I don't think it's any of Tyler's business." He was mad now. That's not what I wanted.

"You're right." He was. This was about me and him. "But he was there-"

"I know that. I'd just rather pretend it didn't happen." He blushed.

My heart sped up. My guilt tripled. So he knew. He knew and he was going to pretend it didn't happen. He didn't care. But I had to go and bring it up. I was such an idiot.

"If you want to forget about it, we can do that."

"No." He sighed. "That's not fair. You were right. We need to be honest with each other. It's the only way to make sure we last forever this time."

Damn it! It was worth a try.

"I'd just really rather Tyler be here to-"

"Tyler has clearly done enough." He cut me off. "I can man up and tell you myself how it happened since you seem to know most of it."

"Wait-"

"I didn't know Ryan was coming over that night. I should have stopped him. I should have stopped myself. But I missed him. And he felt safe. He felt so familiar. So I went with the flow. I felt bad, but I still did it."

An unsettling sensation set lose in my stomach. Nausea threatening my body. My hand covered my mouth just in case.

"Y-You slept with Ryan?"