(Pete's POV)

So I fucked up.

I was always fucking up.

I was just a walking fuck up.

I couldn't seem to stop myself from making bad decisions. Why did I keep doing shit that I know I shouldn't do? It was like I was trying to subconsciously sabotage any chances me and Patrick had of staying happy.

I was on the dirt road to self destruction and I was driving ninety miles per hour. I wanted to stop. I wanted to slam the breaks and get out of the car. Or at least turn the car around and speed off the other way. Race back towards happiness with the man I loved. But I couldn't. Because that's not how fuck ups operated.

At this point it didn't even feel like I was the one driving. Of course I was alone in the car of this emotional ruination. That didn't mean I was in charge of anything going on. I was taking a back seat in all of this. So in summary, I was in the car on the road of self destruction, I could see myself going too quickly down the road, but I was in the back seat. Sure, maybe I could lean up and grab that steering wheel. Maybe I could change how this was going. But I didn't. It was almost like the demolition of my own happiness was an out of body experience.

Was any of this making any fucking sense?

I AM A FUCK UP! OKAY?

That's what I started with and that's where I'm still at right now. Still making choices that went against my better judgement.

I needed to understand why I was doing this. I needed to talk to somebody who I knew would tell me the absolute truth. Someone who wouldn't let their bias get in the way. I needed a therapist. But I didn't have one of those on call so Tyler would have to do. He would help me understand why I was doing what I was doing. I needed to understand myself before I went after Patrick. Or I'd just end up fucking us up even more.

That was my excuse for why I didn't chase after him in the diner when I knew he was upset. Why I didn't ask Ryan to leave and have lunch with my boyfriend instead. Why I didn't call or text him to see if we were still okay. Why I was sitting alone in this hotel room instead of trying to make up with the man I loved. He needed time to cool off and I needed time to understand.

See what I meant when I said ruination?

That excuse sounded like bullshit, even to me. But I couldn't make myself get up and apologize. So I was going to sit here and wait for my make shift doctor to come home. . . Well to the hotel.

A glance at the clock between our beds made me worry. It was almost 7:00pm. Well it was 6:49pm to be exact. And Tyler wasn't here. He hasn't called or texted me. He wasn't answering any of my calls or texts. What in the actual fuck could he be doing? Where was he?

After another hour of waiting I gave up on him even coming back. Tyler was petty enough to rent another room in this same hotel just to avoid seeing me. If he didn't care enough to come back and make sure I was fine, then to hell with him. We'd had one little fight and now he was just going to go ghost on me? That showed what kind of friend he was to begin with. Fuck him.

There I was again.

On the road to self destruction.

Trying to now drive a wall between Tyler and I. I knew that was bogus just as I knew everything else I'd been thinking all night was bogus. Tyler was the best friend anyone could ask for. He was reserved enough to not force his opinion on you. But caring enough to speak out when you were doing something you shouldn't. Even if I didn't agree with him, I had to admit that he usually meant well.

I mean, the guy saved my fucking life. If it weren't for him and his smarts I would literally be dead right now. I wouldn't be sitting here ruining my relationship with Patrick. I wouldn't have a relationship with Patrick to ruin. I should be thankful I'm alive. Not mulling around this room feeling sorry for myself and cursing everyone's name.

That's it.

The self pity party was over.

I was going to go to Patrick. And then when I made things right with him, I'd go looking for Tyler. Which would be so much easier if he was answering his damn phone. The amount of places he could be by now was damn near limitless. I didn't want to even think about the fact that he could be on a flight back to his real home.

There was no need to wait another second. Maybe I wasn't slamming the breaks in the car just yet, but I was slowing the vehicle down. Lessening the speed at which I was going on that road to self destruction.

When my keys were in my hand and my wallet was secured in my pocket, I headed for the door. Turning off the main light before opening it. It pushed open with more force than I was ready for. The sudden swing of the door made me stumble back. I caught my balance before I fell but Tyler didn't have the same luck.

He laid on his back, staring up at me in the dark room. Given his position and the way he fell, he must have been sitting in front of the room on the hall floor. Leaning on the closed door for support. Thank god he hadn't left.

"Are you okay?" I reached down to help.

He hesitated on taking my hand so I used both to grab him up. He yanked away from me. Dusting himself off and taking a step back for distance.

"I'm fine."

"Why were you sitting in front of the door?"

"I was deciding if I wanted to come in."

"How long were you there?"

"For about forty minutes."

"I've been waiting for you for hours."

"Why?"

"Because I didn't know where you were and I needed to talk to you."

"You mean you needed to apologize?"

"Apologize? For wh-" I clasped my lips
shut. Counting backwards from ten in my head. "I'm sorry."

"For?"

"Everything you want me to be sorry for." I snapped accidentally. I wasn't good at apologies.

"I'll take it!" He yanked me into a hug. That was the Canadian side of him coming out. He didn't know how to stay angry at someone and I was so damn grateful for that. I laughed in relief against his shoulder before hugging him back.

"I apologize as well." His arms dropped. "I shouldn't have been so opinionated about something that doesn't concern me."

"You meant well." I hope.

"I'm glad you think so." He stepped fully into the room. Closing the door behind him at the same time he flicked the light switch on. "How was your lunch?"

I had two choices here. I could just be grateful to have Tyler back. I could sit down with him and talk to him about all the shit that was going on in my head with Patrick. Or I could actually do something about the shit going on. I could tell Tyler I was on my way out and how we'd have to talk later because I needed to see Patrick right now. He'd be annoyed maybe but he'd understand.

The choice was so obvious.

"Lunch was a fucking mess." I sat my keys on the table and the clinking sound they made was nothing short of taunting.

"Tell me about it." Tyler started up the shitty coffee maker.

"Where do I even start?" I leaned my shoulder against the closest wall.

I was a fuck up.

Remember?