I've never seen him so nervous before, it's like he's sweating cold without breaking a sweat. When Risto saw himself reflected in Ruth's serious look, which we had never seen before, he just opened his mouth like... moving it involuntarily, as if something in his body wouldn't let him say what he wanted to say.

I looked around, Kalebi and Lauri were walking along, talking about matters that, of course, nobody cares about, when they saw the scene they stopped without saying a word, their eyes were wide open, and they had been stunned to see such a scene in the corridor.

Their Universes, of course, stood looking at me out of the corner of their eye and whispering to each other.

-Incest -the idiot Kalebi whispered to Lauri, who only turned to see him for what he was, an idiot.

Ruth's silence was cut off by herself, who furiously shouted "Forget it! You are an idiot! " and went into her classroom with tears in her eyes. No one dared say a word, Lauri and Kalebi just bent over their shoulders and made faces in horror. Risto walked out in a hurry, as if he were running from something or someone. Of course, I had to follow him, it's my responsibility after all. We arrived at the men's room and I knew what would follow. He took out his cigarette box and his silver lighter, and started smoking, hiding there in one of the cubicles, standing, leaning against one of the metal walls around him, hoping not to be found.

"Do you love her that badly?" I thought, as I watched him smoke out of his mouth and look up at the finished, dirty roof of the school.

About an hour passed, until suddenly a few kicks in the cubicle got him out of control, he quickly flushed his cigarette down the toilet, and again more kicks towards the cubicle.

-Get out of there, Risto! -shouted Lauri-I don't think the school board will like it if our student president is smoking in the bathroom! ...again.

-What do you want?

-I want to talk to you, about Ruth.

Risto took his hands to his head in desperation as he opened his eyes, which were red, as if he were making a great effort.

-I have nothing to talk to you about, so do what you want, I don't fucking care.

-Risto, I didn't mean for what happened at the lake, it was just an accident, you know I wouldn't do any harm...

-I know, -he interrupted-but I don't want you to take her away from me...

At last, he said, coming out of the cubicle, he had a sad to angry look on his face, and again he put a cigarette in his mouth, lighting it quickly as his hands shook. Lauri and his Universe saw him scared. And the truth is, I was beginning to see him too.

Since I had to take care of Risto, I put pillows on every stumble he might have, my mission was to make him have a life full of complacency and luxury, it was just right for him in this life, but I never thought that this man we have in front of us today would be generated inside him, "What are you missing to be happy, Risto?" I thought,

-Risto, I'm not taking anyone away from you, we're all friends... -Lauri answered nervously.

-Friends? -he asked with a certain sarcasm in his tone- Are you going to tell me that you don't like it?

Lauri remained silent while Risto kept invading the bathroom with smoke.

-What has Risto become? -Lauri's Universe asked me.

-He hasn't become anything; he just lives his life as he can...

-To be honest, both of them could live it better.

-I don't know what's wrong with him lately, -I confessed-and you know that we can't always intervene in the human mind.

-Do you love Ruth or not?

I kept a brief silence waiting for someone to stop provoking us with that crazy idea, Ruth was his friend and was like his sister, that's how it has been all these years, it shouldn't be any different now

-Even if I wanted something with her, -said Lauri- it shouldn't affect you in any way.

-That's what you think, that's what everyone thinks... "Risto has everything", "Risto can do everything". It's so easy and comfortable to think like that...

--I know that you lack something and that's why you live on vices, although I don't really know what it could be... -He confessed.

I opened my eyes in surprise, I couldn't understand how Lauri could understand everyone, even though her life was so different from that of others. Risto remained silent and smoking, Lauri kept asking him things, but he decided to ignore him and not speak to him, until he finally left. When he finished his cigarette, he went home, leaving the rest of his classes behind, without giving any explanation.

His house was empty most of the time, his mother sometimes went out to see Risto's uncles, and to be inspired by the beautiful landscapes that Finland gives to create novels. Risto entered hi house and started to listen to music while she was lying face down in bed.

It was the first time in my whole life that I had seen him like that, trying to hear his thoughts only repeated over and over again Ruth's question ... "What am I to you?", but I couldn't hear any answer. Risto started pounding the bed as I watched him until he fell asleep.

When he finally woke up, after about two hours, he sat down and began to have an internal conversation with himself while he kept thinking about that question that he possibly had never asked himself. Finally, after a couple of hours locked up in his room, his mother found him with his eyes a bit lost, as if he were sick, and approached him sitting subtly on his bed. She put her hand on his shoulder without getting any reaction.

--Risto --she said in a calm, demanding voice-- I am beginning to worry about your cigarette habit.

--What? --he said, opening his eyes.

--It's just that, they told me about the school, apparently a couple of students came to report you smoking in the bathroom on the sly.

--I'm not the only one who does it... ---"It was probably Lauri and his useless friends", he thought.

--I know, --she interrupted-- I've been a teacher and a student myself, and I know that, but it's not right, and the fact that you can't hold back a couple of hours to smoke is a bit overwhelming. The principal has summoned me to talk to him tomorrow, and you're going to have to be there. Son, what's going on? -she asked, looking worried. Why are you smoking so much lately?

--Why do you care so much now?

--I've always cared, it's just that you're a man, and I have no idea how to get close to you, I don't know if you want to talk to me about your stuff either, since you became a teenager you've been cooped up here when Ruth doesn't come to see you, when your friends aren't around, it's like you don't want to see me.

--It's not that --he said calmingly-- and the truth is that I'm not sure why I smoke so much, at first it was because I was nervous, then to get rid of the cold, later it was because of anxiety, and sometimes I think it's because I relate it to hugs.

--What?

--Yes, but it sounds so pathetic. Asking for hugs, it's easier to put a cigarette in your mouth and light it. And the same thing happens to me with the cold, and with the nervous ones, it is easier for me to buy cigarettes than to talk about things, than to look for the fire in the middle of the streets.

His mother kept relating the words that came out of Risto's mouth, and I think we were both coming to the same conclusion. Risto was full of addictions because of his loneliness, loneliness that at the same time had him imprisoned, he had already become addicted to it, he was no longer looking to feel loved, protected or accompanied, he was looking for the easy way out of it.

-You have to stop, -she said taking his pack- this vice is going to kill you, you're too young to be smoking so much. From tomorrow there is no money for you, everything you want you ask directly to me and I will buy it.

-You can't do that to me, my dad will be mad at you if I tell him.

-Do it! -she said rummaging through his drawers for more suspicious substances- Your dad is on his way, and he's not happy with you either.

-What are you doing? -said Risto, holding his mother's hands over the drawers of that wooden furniture.

-You know what I'm doing, -she said, looking him straight in the eye- I'm warning you, Risto, if I don't do it, your father will, so if you have anything else stored here, get rid of it, because there's no room for any vice here in my house.

Risto took his left hand to his face and let himself fall slowly, it seemed as if a strong headache invaded him. His mother pretended not to care, and turned around and began to walk.

-Mom. Can I talk to you for a few seconds? -said Risto without being able to look her in the eye and sat down on the floor.

-I'll wait for you in the dining room... -she answered seriously.

Risto took a couple of seconds to breathe, then he got up from the floor, walked to the kitchen taking a glass and filling it with water and went to the dining room, where his mother was already waiting for him, she still had the cigarettes in her hand and was looking at the window with her hand in her mouth. I knew what I was thinking, but it's something we'll always keep quiet about.

-I know I'm not what you expected, -Risto said- surely when you and my father thought about having a child, you never imagined that it would grow up to be this tattooed teenager in front of your eyes.

-Children never disappoint us, -he said without looking at him- it's as if we parents were created to love them unconditionally. But if I'm worried about you...

-What I want to talk to you about has nothing to do with that, -he said, looking at the cigarettes- or partly it does.

-What's the matter? -asked his mother looking at him.

-I need someone to talk to about Ruth, and I have put myself in a prison where I have locked myself up alone and never been able to talk about her.

-What about her? Has she finally told you how much she loves you? Will you become her boyfriend?

-May I speak? Ii is not easy for me, -he said angrily-and you come in with these questions, then you wonder why I am locked up.

-Well, all right, -she exclaimed angrily- what about her?

-Today she asked me what she was to me. And the truth is that I had never asked it so clearly myself, and I didn't know what to say. Finally, she sent me to the hell when she saw that I doubted. The point is that after much thought I got confused answers.

-What conclusion did you come to? -asked his mother, trying to be inexpressive, although I knew she was taking it like a novel.

-I practically raised her, I raised her in such a way that I made her my ideal woman in every way, every point that is in Ruth and that people see in her, I created it, I made people see in her what I want them to see, and not what she really is, which makes me think I don't even know her. On the other hand, I never thought about the possibility that possibly, even if I made her my way, she might not end up being mine.

-I think we've talked about this before Risto, I've always told you that people are not a possession.

-Yes, I still remember when I was a kid, I wanted to buy her..." he said, sipping his glass of water.

-Why did you want to do that? I've always had that doubt.

-Because I like to keep things in my hands... -I like to have everything under control, you know?

-How? -said her confused mom.

-It's just that, if I bought Ruth, I would have always had her for myself no matter what, things would have been easy to carry, the things that belong to you are like that. You can borrow them, but they'll always be yours. In Ruth's case, she could choose Lauri or I don't know.

-Lauri? -said his mother, laughing out loud- What could she see in him that you don't have?

-I don't know, you women are very changeable...

-Ruth has been in love with you since you were children, I have seen her, she has always seen you as special, in my perspective and although I have never been so convinced by the idea, if that makes you feel calm... then be calm, I don't think she will change you for anyone.

-The thing is, if I love her, and she's important to me, -her mom opened her eyes by seeing it and straightening it out, and if I'm honest, the truth is that she's probably my biggest vice.

When Risto finally began to speak in 16 long years I began to take on color, it had been white for so long without even having a clue why, but now I understand. Risto had never had a sincere feeling for anything, not even for his parents, and now that he has finally developed it, I have finally been able to take on a color. I became purple with blue glints all around me, "How great, I'll finally get rid of this scarf," I thought.

-Are you aware of what you just said? -said his mother, trying to avoid an unwelcome smile of laughter.

-I've never been so aware, -he said, bringing her hands back to her head, pulling back her wavy hair- the thing is I don't want her as a girlfriend either... I just want her by my side and for me, that's all.

-That's what you call a pet -said his mother with her eyelids halfway down and her mouth made small.

-Mom, could you imagine making out with an archangel?

-What kind of question is that? Of course not, it would be like blasphemy.

-Well, that's just the way it is with Ruth, and it's not that I don't think she's pretty, she's prettier than a lot of the women I've brought into the house, or I think she's prettier than any other woman in general, it's just that thinking about her that way, I can't do it, I can't conceive it, I couldn't do it, I can't do it, I can do a lot of things with other women. But Ruth is so pure, I would feel like she was kissing me with... an angel, and that's just like blasphemy, you know? Angels don't kiss.

-All right -she said, giving him a cigarette- maybe you just need to grow up a little, or a lot -she thought herself- This will be the last cigar I am going to give you, use it wisely and calm down. But go and talk to Ruth, your father would tell you something like it's your responsibility, and you must be a gentleman. And I can tell you as a woman that it's very bad taste to leave things halfway. So, think what you want to tell her, and go and tell her... and Risto, don't play with a woman's feelings, so if you don't want to compromise, don't compromise.

His mother left the dining room with her cigarettes. Risto was trying to calm down by putting his cigarette in his mouth without lighting it. I don't think I've ever seen him appreciate anyone before, maybe that's why I felt strange too, but I think that as long as my eyes don't change, I don't have so much to worry about.