So.. my ex got a new girl. And it's not that I'm jealous, but it kinda hurts at the same time... it's been 6 months since the breakup, but I still can't stop to miss him.. yes, it was for the best, yes, it was a toxic relationship for both of us, but... he still has been my best friend for 3 years before we started dating... I lost my best friend, and all the things he told me, how deeply in love he had been with me for the past 2 years without being able to get over it... and now, a new girlfriend in 6 months... and I just started to think about dating again, and he's fully in a relationship... I know it's probably just a rebound, but what if I'm just flattering myself and in the end I was the problem? Im just so insecure about everything, and he always has been the one thing I didn't second guessed.. but if he's better off without me, was I the thing that was wrong? Him being in a more healthy relationship means I was the toxic. It means that I'm not a good person, that no one should even date me... but I'm happy for him, that he's forgetting me, that I didn't discouraged him from love, that I didn't break him, knowing that the end of us, even tho I called it, broke me a bit. Now, idk of someone's ever gonna love me again. Romantically I mean... I want a live story, and I want it to last, I wanna grow old with someone I love and that loves me back... I know how it sounds, but that's the truth.. maybe I have an affective disorder... but I can't stand being alone for too long, I always seem to give a chance to the first guy that tells me he has something for me. I'm kinda done with that. I want to love the person too before dating them. I'm done with the me that prefers dating a random dude over being single long enough to find a real someone with a true love and real affection for one another. Idk maybe I'm living in a fantasy and ill just stay single for the rest of my life. Alone with my succulents and snakes... rereading myself I realize I sound like those silly teenagers who thinks a breakup is the end of the world and they'll never love again. The difference here is : I know I'll love again, tho problem is, will someone love ME again? Cause I know loving me is not an easy thing to do. I'm so stubborn! And sometimes not even on good things.. I always wanna be right, and I NEED to control everything. And I'm really, REALLY insecure. Like, I'll ask if I'm annoying 300000 times a day. And if I do something wrong, I'll ask 4000000 times if you still love me. I'll get urges to hug you outta nowhere, just because I felt like it. I do weird screeches it's squeak when I have a love overload. And I'll NEED to show that we're together. If you're with me, the world knows it, you're not a secret. I have dad jokes and puns at the most inappropriate times. I'm susceptible, so if I'm hurt, I'll clash you without hesitation. Then I'll regret it. And I'm irritable when I don't get enough sleep, and I need so so much sleep. But to good point here is, I cuddle in my sleep. I also have a terrible sense of style. My clothes are horrible, but I still wear them proudly. Me and the shoes is a love story. But not the kind of shoes you're thinking about. I like Vans skating laced shoes. The more textured and colorful, the better. I can't cook for shit, all I do is pastas and cookies. I'm the type of girl to start watching a series at 10 pm saying "just an episode" and going to bed at 4 am because I finished it. And I'll still get up at 9 am, dead inside, but I'll get up and live tru my day. I have a problem with taking shower. At least once a day, if not more. If I don't shower everyday, I'll feel so gross I'll wash anyways. And my feet stink, but on a whole new level. Ever smelled compost with shrimps and a bit of old cheese in the sun for 3 days? Sniff my shoes. And I always eat, constantly eating, but I'll complain about my weight later. I do training, but I'm really not that cute when I finish, my face is like, purple, and my arms, neck and shoulders are deep red. I can't stand the cold, my feet are always freezing, and I'll stick them in your back. But I somehow can stand hot. I like it more than the cold. However, I like winter most, because I think the snow is pretty, I also like ice skating, skiing, snowboarding and just sleigh with my siblings. Even tho I'm not good at any of these, and always end up hurting myself, then doing it again. So... there it is. My insecurities about myself about not being in a relationship ever again. And on top of that, I might have a lil crush to push these insecurities even further.

Anyways, today's comfort lyrics:
The people blend together but I would be lost without their love. Can you heal me? I've I gained to much? When you become untouchable you're unable to touch.