It's been almost a year. Can't say things have gotten a lot better. I mean, it did for a while, but as you can see, I'm back so it didn't last. I'm tryna convince myself that it's not that bad this time, but I'm tired of acting the tough one. I know I am, tough, but I'm not untouchable. Let's recap a bit for context. I cut that guy out a WHILE ago. He was such in high esteem of himself. Didn't work out well, I broke up with him. Still see him sometimes in the college hallways, but he never sees me, as in, he stares everywhere else but me when it happens. Find that kinda funny tbh. Then I performed in my exams. Was really proud, so was my mom. Fast forward to the summer, by that time I had made new friends in my study field. I basically lived a foot away from one of them. Those girls help me keep up, and at the same time to actually do my homework. We didn't really talk this summer tho. I started the summer off with a real big motivation to hit the gym all summer and get myself on top shape. Then I caught covid. Dropped the gym and lost motivation. 15 pounds gained. That I'm ashamed. Still don't have the motivation to go. Went a total of 15 times since beginning of summer. Kinda pathetic if I'm honest. But during summer, I met a girl. We hung out for a bit, then a night, things got real. A day later, she'd told everyone we were an item, without asking me first. So I kinda rolled with it, even tho I was not really fine with that. We lasted 3 weeks. Maybe 4. She was devastated, wanted to die. I don't really understand. She was all over me at all times, even when I told her to stop. When I wanted time for me, she was mad and texted me every 5 minutes. She never really respected my limits. I must admit I met a new someone in the meantime. So I broke up with her too. The next day, I got so fucking drunk with couple of friends, including that girl. She got drunk too, but less than me. Somewhere near 2 AM, the two others fell asleep on the couch, so me and that girl left for my room. We talked for a while, and se confessed to having feelings towards me. Best day of my life, we kissed and cuddled thru the night. Now we're taking our time and communicating. If I must prononce, this is the healthiest relationship I've ever had. We're still going, happy. She's anxious tho, and have panics attacks randomly. That's not the problem, I help her calm down and everything. Problem is, I'm not in a better state than her, but I don't wanna show her that. I know we'll enough she's take it well, I'm just scared if I open up, the wall I've been building around me for the past 6 years is all gonna fall down. And I don't think she's ready for that. But anyways, to go on the main point: roommate. I got an apartment with my best friend, my brother, my cat noir. At first it was heaven. Still kinda is. Problem lays with alone time between us. I've been spending an awful lot of time with my girl lately. She's always at our place, or I'm at hers. And when she's not, he brings his girl home (fun fact our girls have been friends since forever). So since he complains all the time he wants alone time with me (which I totally understand and want as well, I miss my best friend), we settled for Wednesday nights. Wednesday are gonna be our alone evening, our weekly time together. That means my girl has to pay taxi to go back to her house, since I can't drive her there. But it doesn't matter, she's understanding and she's also friends with him. But then, after 2 weeks, he brings his girl Wednesday night. We must settle, she's so focused on college, she almost never sees him, cause she's doing homework or something. I also work up until 9 PM on Wednesday. So when before I left for work yesterday, he told me she was gonna come, but that she was gonna be gone by the time I get home. I got home an hour later than usual, she was still there, both of them locked in his room. I barely got a Hello when I arrived. I don't care, she's nice and good for them they finally have time together, but that was our night, I spent it alone on the couch. When they finally got to the living room, another hour later, I was reading. Roomie said "you know, if you're too tired we can have our night another day". I mean BOY, she's sat next to you on the couch. You make my girl go away, only to bring yours over and make me feel like the villain when I go to sleep because I ruined Wednesdisney... I don't see how it's fair.. but anyways, complain again to see. It just burns me that when my girl is with me she feels a bit bad cause she's "stealing" me from him, and then he does that. Pretty ironic. Anyways, he still haven't brought it up. Don't know if he will. In the meantime, it doesn't really help me in my schedule problem. I really have to be more strict on that. Schedule time sloths for gym and homework. At least it's my last year of college. After I'm done. I'll just have to wait 1 years for my other school to answer my application. Such a lovely life for real. I must say trauma combing back must not be helping. I had a trauma suppression when I was 8-9 years old. It all came back couple months ago. Not feeling really well about that tbh. Remembering that kinda knocked me down. I'm still trying to get up. On top of that, my ED came crawling back as soon as I left mom's house. Never was able to take a hold on that. I'm not in control of the amour of food that enters my body. I barely eat once/ twice a day. But somehow I always snack and then feel nauseous for 3 hours. Feels weird to talk about it. Can't really tell anyone else, rommie has one as well, we don't want to trigger him. So I printed I eat, and I only really eat on weekends when I'm at my mom's. Super healthy lifestyle. Anyways, I'm happy classes are way lighter this semester. Barely any homework, a schedule super light, full of free time. I also must say I honestly gave up on anyone actually reading this, so I really empty all of my thoughts. Really helps, highly recommend. Ah yes i forgot to mention, sorta indirectly came out to my mom again. I'm not bi. I'm a lesbian. She's okay with that, even tho she's not super accepting of the fact I don't want guys anymore. She's scared I'll miss in the man of my life because Im convincing myself I don't want men. She's asked me multiple times not to give up on men just yet, and that we'll talk about it in 20 years. Nice mom, thanks... I know my step dad doesn't care. Finds it funny we can look out girls together. But mom, she's always over stresses for me. It's not her fault, she just wants to protect me, she just.. doesn't have the best way of doing it. Anyways, still happy she accepts the "dating girls" part of it.

Anyways, today's comfort lyrics:
Quand le temps s'efface. Qu'apparaît la glace. Que les larmes vident le corps. Il faut que tu saches, si tu tournes la page, que dehors on t'aime encore. Je sais que tu voudrais être autre part.