Pain. That's all he could feel. Every ounce of him was in pain. God it hurt. Why couldn't he save her? Why?

Alcohol only numbed him for a while but even then he could still feel it. The helplessness. The anger. The fear. The hurt. The heartbreak. The guilt. The Pain.

He just wanted to forget for a while, was that so wrong?

A last sip. A woman. Flirt. Fake a smile. A hand running down his arm. Out the door. A kiss. A wall. Cresses. Sound of a zipper. Another kiss. Legs wrapped around him. A sigh of relief. Moans. Gasps. His head in her neck. Faster. Tears in his eyes. Back arching. A cry of his name. A deep groan. A moment of bliss. Heavy breaths. Eyes closed tight. Numbness. Another kiss. Another touch. Again.

Sex helped him forget for a while but it wasn't permanent. In the morning he'd awake and all those feelings he pushed away the night before came crashing down on him. All of it. Guilt. Fear. Pain. Guilt. Guilt. Guilt. But he'd still do it all over again. Because there was that moment that one moment where he could just forgot and pretend it was all alright.

He let her die.

Wasn't his fault, Sam would say. But what does he know? He's never had kids. He doesn't understand what he's going through.

He needs her back. He needs the one thing he did right in this fucked up world back. He needs his baby girl.

Sam he doesn't understand. Threw a fit when I said I was gonna get her back. All he could say was:

"She's in a better place Dean, this isn't a life for a child and you know that. Never staying in one place, always on the run. This life is dangerous. She's happy now Dean, no more living in fear wondering if daddy's gonna come back from his hunt."

A moment of silence. A punch. Fuck you Sammy. Anger. How dare he tell him to leave her. Starts to leave. Sam shouting. Arm grabbed.

"Damn it Dean! Stop being a selfish bastard! I know you miss her, Hell Dean so do I but think about her! If the demons got her once Dean they'll get her again! Why put her through that? What's dead should stay dead! You've said so yourself Dean. She's with mom, dad, jess, Ellen and Jo, they'll look after her Dean. Until the day you can again."

Silence. Words cutting deep. Was it so selfish that he wanted to hold his little girl again? To hear her whisper I love you daddy once more?

He's right. Of course he's right. They could get her again. Time. He needed a place to think. Leaves.

A grave. The wind blowing softly. Eyes filled with tears. Tracing over words.

Alexia Winchester

Born April 7 2005 Died July 12 2009

Beloved Daughter Niece and Granddaughter.

You will be missed.

Pain it filled him. Tears falling. God. Sammy was right. He couldn't bring her back to this fucked up world. But hadn't he already paid enough? Why was she taken from him?

Fingers tracing over letters. Words escaping. Tears falling.

"I'm sorry; I'm so sorry baby girl. I should have protected you better. I'm so sorry. I just miss you so much. How do I go on? How do I go on knowing that I failed to protect you? I promised you, I promised you nothing would ever get you and I failed to keep it. Oh Sweetheart"

His head fell into his hands as sobs racked his body.

"I love you; I love you so much, I'm so sorry princess, so sorry."

Tears. Never ending tears. How do things get better?

A soft wind. A giggle. A whisper of words.

"I love you daddy."

A half laughing sob.

Things will get better. The pain will never go away but it will lessen a little overtime. And one day father and daughter will meet again.

"I love you too."