Warnings: starvation, drowning

Time doesn't feel real anymore.

There are no days, no nights.

There's cage time, and there's experiment time – and, every now and then, when Pierce is feeling exceptionally generous, there's a little increment of time where he just gets to be.

Right now, it's experiment time.

He must have done this hundreds of times now. Every day, it's something new. Sometimes, he thinks it's over. They've run every possible "test." There's nothing more they can do to him.

He's always wrong, of course.

There's always something new.

Always.

They've just finished today's tests, and Loki's body aches from the stress it's been put through day after day. He's gotten used to it over time. He expects it. This is his body's natural state, and who is he to object to that?

"Good job, Loki," Pierce says, and Loki feels himself light up at the praise — and he lights up even further when Pierce puts the bowl on the ground.

Loki looks between him and the bowl, his anticipation growing. He learned the hard way that seeing the bowl is not an invitation to eat it. He went to the cage with an empty stomach quite a few times after that. But he's learned. He's learning. He'll get his food. He just has to be patient.

Pierce doesn't make him wait for it this time. "Go ahead," he says. "You've earned this."

Loki instantly drops to the floor, both hands grabbing the bowl as though it's going to run away before he can reach it. He brings it to his mouth and lets the porridge fill him. There's still a hint of warmth this time. He really must have done well. It's usually cold by the time he gets to eat it.

Pierce chuckles. "Alright, stand back up."

Loki pushes himself back to his feet, and he has to grab his pants to keep them from falling down. He's careful when he lets them go. They tend to stay up if he doesn't move. He just has to be careful.

Pierce reaches over and tugs on the waistband, really accentuating how much extra space there is. "These are getting pretty big, aren't they?"

"Yes, sir," Loki says. He's glad they still fit at all. He'd hate to have to lose them, though he's sure that day is coming. Maybe that day is today. Maybe that's what Pierce is about to say. That would be disappointing.

But Pierce surprises him. "We should get you some more to eat."

Loki smiles. He'd like that. He'd love that.

"How about we do one more test today, and you can have another bowl?" Pierce asks.

"Yes, sir." He tries not to sound too eager, but the promise of another bowl of porridge is too good to pass up. Pierce never gives him the opportunity to earn more. This is wonderful!

Pierce crosses his arms, thinking. "What else could we do..." It takes a few seconds, but then he has his lightbulb moment. "We've never tested how long you can hold your breath, have we?"

"No, sir," Loki replies. Not that he's aware of, at least, though they don't always tell him what they're testing for; sometimes they just do things and he just has to hope that his pain is for a good cause.

"Let's try that," Pierce says. He pats Loki on the arm. "I'll be right back."

So Pierce heads out the door, leaving Loki alone with the whole room at his disposal. This doesn't happen all too often; it's a gift into itself. The fact that it will be followed with more food? He doesn't know what he's done to deserve this, but he must have done something right.

Loki walks up to the window, pressing his hands against the glass as he gazes out at the trees. He misses trees. He misses grass. He misses sunshine. He even misses bugs, in a weird way, and he never really liked bugs. He just misses the outdoors, really. He misses the natural world.

"It's a nice view, huh?" Pierce remarks.

Loki turns around, clasping his hands in front of him. "It's a wonderful view," he says. He could look out there for hours. He has looked out there for hours, though he doesn't have that chance all too often. He's gotten to watch the birds and the chipmunks and the bunnies. He really does enjoy it.

Pierce hasn't returned alone; Rumlock is with him, helping him carry a big bin of water into the room. Loki cocks his head to the side, eyeing it curiously, but he doesn't ask. Pierce used to like it when he took an interest in what they were researching. He used to like when Loki tried to involve himself. He doesn't like it so much anymore. He doesn't like answering questions. He tells Loki what he wants him to know, and he doesn't tell him what he doesn't need to know, and Loki is not in a position to ask for more.

Fortunately, this is one of Pierce's nice moments, because he explains it to him without any sort of prompting. "We're gonna test how long you can hold your breath underwater," he tells the god. "We're gonna keep you under just until you pass out, and then we're gonna pull you back out, we're gonna dry you off, and we're gonna get you something to eat. How's that sound?"

"Terrifying," Loki answers, but he walks over anyway. After all, Natasha told him to listen and Pierce is telling him that they're going to drown him, so he's going to let them drown him — and then he'll get some porridge. Everybody leaves happy.

"Kneel down," Pierce says.

Loki kneels.

"I'm gonna count to three," Pierce says, "and Rumlow's going to put your head in the water, and all you have to do is stay there. You think you can do that?"

"Yes, sir," Loki says. If it will earn him more food, he will do anything.

"Alright," Pierce says. "One..."

Rumlow's fingers slip through his hair, gripping him tight.

"Two..."

Loki takes a deep breath.

"Three."

Rumlow plunges his head into the bucket, and even with the countdown, the sudden pressure against his face and his scalp takes him by surprise and he accidentally blows his breath out. That was a mistake. That was an awful, awful mistake.

It's not so bad at first. It's uncomfortable, but he knows how to hold his breath. He's been swimming before. This is nothing too new to him.

But the longer he's in the water, the harder it gets. His lungs start to burn. His chest feels tight. He's running out of air. He is out of air. He can't breathe. He needs to breathe, but he can't breathe.

All you have to do is stay in there.

He wants to come up. He wants to fight against Rumlow's hand and force himself out of the water. He wants to breathe. But Natasha told him to listen to them, and Pierce told him to stay in the water, so he–

He starts thrashing.

He doesn't mean to. He can't control it. He fights until the very end, but his chest is burning. His lungs are screaming at him to let them breathe. He wants to be good, but his body needs to breathe, and he can't stop himself.

Rumlow's only able to hold him down for a few seconds before Loki overpowers him. Even in his starved, oxygen-deprived, weakened state, his desperation wins out and he pulls his head out of the water.

He sucks in a deep breath, filling his lungs with the air they so desperately crave, but he doesn't relish it the way he should. Instead, he breaks down in tears, and any oxygen his body wanted to restore its natural functions is expelled in shaky sobs that wrack his body.

"I'm sorry," he chokes out. "I'm so sorry. I tried. I really did." He buries his face in his hands. He can't believe he did that. He can't believe he couldn't stop himself.

He expects Pierce to yell at him. He expects Rumlow to do worse. But instead, when they speak, they speak to each other, not to him. They're saving his punishment for when they're done talking, he's sure.

"He fought back," Pierce says, confused. "He –" He scoffs, incredulous. "He's never done that."

"He did in the beginning," Rumlow says.

"No, he didn't," Pierce says. "He wasn't happy about any of it, but he never fought back. He never could. So how...?"

Loki doesn't care how he did it. He doesn't understand why they do. It doesn't matter how he did it. It matters that he did. He was given an order, and he didn't follow it. They should be furious. He's certainly not getting that porridge now. He may not even get to eat after tomorrow's test. Or, worse still, maybe they'll leave him in the cage tomorrow. Those days are always the worst, when he's left in the cage with nothing to eat, nothing to see or hear or do. But he's earned that. After what he just did, he can't pretend he doesn't deserve it.

"I'm sorry," Loki sobs. "I'm so sorry." He's so, so sorry. He's so stupid and so, so sorry.

"Hey, hey, hey," Pierce coos, crouching down beside him. He rests a hand on the god's back, a gentle touch. "What are you sorry for?"

"I failed you," he sobs. "I'm so sorry. I failed you." It was hard enough to know that he did it, but to have to say it aloud only hurts more. His sobs grow louder, more pathetic. He failed. He failed. He had one job, and he failed.

But Pierce takes him by surprise. "You didn't fail," he says gently. "You showed us something much more important than what we were trying to find."

Loki sniffles and lifts his head from his hands. "I did?"

"You showed us that you have limits," Pierce says. "And now I want to find what they are."

Loki bites his lip and squeezes his eyes shut. He should have just let them drown him. He wishes he had let them drown him. He could be unconscious right now. He could be content right now. He never gets to feel content. But his stupid, stupid body wouldn't cooperate, and now he fears the tests that Pierce is going to run are only going to get much, much worse.

Pierce rubs his back soothingly. "You're okay," he says quietly. To Rumlow, he asks, "Will you go get our friend his dinner?"

Loki looks over at him with tear-filled eyes. "You'll still let me eat?"

"Of course I will," Pierce says. "I told you: one more test, one more meal. Just 'cause it didn't go the way we wanted it to doesn't mean you don't get your food."

Loki gives him a small smile. "Thank you, sir."

"That's what I'm here for," Pierce says. He ruffles Loki's hair, and drops of water splatter all over the floor. "Can't you see that you're lost without me?"

Loki just nods. He would be. He really would. He doesn't know what he'd do if he didn't have Alexander Pierce looking over him. He's the guardian angel that Loki never deserved. He's so lucky that Natasha left him in the hands of such a generous man. There are certainly worse places to be.