Any moment he wasn't with Wei, Yunlan spent it trying to understand, to learn more about a thing he had never had to confront before.

Whenever a coworker saw him on the phone, he laughed and played it cool, pretending he was messaging a friend or playing a game.

What he was actually doing was researching the internet for anything he could find on anxiety, behaviour disorders, depression, he read it all.

He had never known that pulling out one's hair was a real disorder, often triggered by anxiety that could include any kind of hairs on one's body. Yunlan knew Wei's eyes were alright, and it seemed his scalp was alright too, but that didn't mean he wasn't doing it anymore.

An article said that depression and anxiety could derive from low self-esteem, so he read about that too. Setting high goals for oneself but not being able to achieve it could create severe low self-esteem which entailed a high level of insecurity.

Yunlan absorbed every information he could find, discovering a world he never knew existed.

He desperately searched for ways to help him, but there wasn't much about that.

The internet provided many articles on what one should not do: do not say let it go, get over it, just stop, relax it's nothing, do not keep asking what are they sad about, what is it this time... lots of do not, but there were only two things to actually do.

He could either try to give him a boost of confidence or suggest Wei asked for professional help - which would be the right thing to do but if he knew him at all he could easily guess that it would not work right now. Wei would complain about the money or feel rejected as if Yunlan were implying that he was crazy.

Yunlan didn't think he was crazy, he had learned that it was something real that affected a lot of people. How come he had never known about it before?
Well, if Wei was any indication, it wasn't something you could notice at first glance. To anyone who didn't know him he looked totally calm, the turmoil was all inside.

Yunlan was left with only one thing he could do: trying to rebuild his confidence.

~~~

Neither of them had told Qiqi what had happened. Wei didn't and Yunlan thought it wasn't his place to talk about that, so he acted like nothing had happened.

Qiqi's week of trial had gone well and she had been hired. At the lowest salary of course, but she didn't seem to mind.
She was very passionate about her job, and now they saw her less frequently because she began working the nights too.

Yunlan kept going to Wei's apartment every night, to be together and to teach him Italian.

Wei looked radiant, and sometimes Yunlan almost believed he could be alright, but then something would come up that he didn't understand and he furrowed his brows, his hand moving automatically to his hair unless he felt looked at in which case he would keep his hands out of sight to hide the way they expressed how troubled he was. His face looked calm, focused, but his hands told a different story.

In those moments Yunlan pretended he didn't notice how his fingers twitched or his feet moved recklessly under the chair.
He wasn't a psychologist but all his readings told him that it was all about reassurance and confidence, and he could think only of a way.

Whenever that happened he hugged him suddenly, whispering "Ti amo (I love you)" against his ear. That was the first thing he had taught him, and always made him smile.

Qiqi and Wei would then study together in the morning, and Wei would teach her what Yunlan had taught him the night before - starting from the basic construction of the phrase.

She was eager to learn, and every time she praised his teaching abilities he would smile blushing a little, saying it was all due to Yunlan's wonderful lessons.

Yunlan was glad that she did, she seemed to have a natural ability to make Wei feel good. He was a bit jealous at times, but then Wei's smile was enough to soothe his spirit.

Being alone every night also meant that they had time for themselves.
A kiss became Yunlan's way of telling him he was doing good, and as if by magic Wei's pronunciation and understanding of male/female adjectives improved a lot after he started that little routine.

After two months he could say simple phrases by himself, and knew a lot more words that helped him during his job hours so he stopped trying to avoid customers.

After three months Qiqi's fixed-term contract expired, but she seemed confident things would go well.
"I won't work for a while, but Lisa says that it's normal, they'll do their evaluations and work out a new, long-term contract and call me again."

"Who's Lisa?" Yunlan asked, since he had never heard about her before.

"Oh she's a member of the staff. She's very good, she's been a great help."

Wei accepted her word for what it was, but Yunlan looked at her for a moment longer.

He wasn't surprised when they came home one evening to find two girls in the living-room.

Qiqi introduced them to a 5foot6 tall girl with long curly hair and bright red lips. She was Italian, and it was funny to see them communicating with a mix of Italian, English and gestures.

Qiqi had tried once to teach her a bit of Chinese, but Lisa seemed unable to grasp the differences in the pronunciation; to her zhao, chao and jiao sounded all the same no matter how many times she heard them.
Qiqi could only imagine her face when she would start explaining the differences in pronunciation between jiào, jiāo or jiáo, so Qiqi decided it would be easier if she learned Italian instead.

That night Lisa took them to her favourite Italian restaurant (other than the one she worked at), and the girls sat next to each other. Wei sat across Qiqi and Yunlan across Lisa.

They got noticed of course, but nobody stared at them. Lisa placed the orders and Wei didn't seem troubled at all.
Yunlan had a tremendous time that night.

They ate typical Roman dishes that Wei had never tried before, Qiqi kept asking what was in them and how they were made, and Yunlan helped Wei translating what they were saying whenever he missed something or the girls used English terms.

They walked the girls home then Wei stayed at Yunlan's place.
It was full summer by now, it was so warm that there was no need for pajamas, so they went to bed in only their underwear.

It felt so intimate, cuddling to each other talking about the evening and the food and everything that came to mind.

It wasn't the first time they found themselves like that, they did it every time Wei spent the night, and they always talked until they fell asleep.

Yunlan treasured every moment Wei would spend telling him about himself.
Usually it would be episodes that included Chu or his brother, but that night after a while Wei said out of the blue, "I've never felt so full in my life."

Yunlan laughed. "You did eat a lot!"

Wei put his head on his chest and murmured, "No, I meant full inside. I used to feel so empty once."

Yunlan blinked and kept his voice steady. "Did you?"

"Yeah, it was awful, I felt so empty I wished I could just disappear from this world."

Yunlan hugged him tight and Wei raised his head smiling. "But now I have you, I don't want to disappear anymore."

Yunlan didn't miss it. "But you still feel empty sometimes?"

"Sometimes, when that little voice inside my head reminds me of how worthless I am..."

Yunlan rolled him on the bed pinning him down with his weight. When he spoke his tone wasn't angry or upset, it sounded... hurt. "It can't remind you of something that isn't true."

Yunlan buried his face in Wei's neck and hugged him tight. Wei never saw the tear that appeared at the corner of Yunlan's eye, and they kept hugging each other the whole night.