^^ Ruby ^^

"Hello?" I answer my phone, as I get out of the car, grinning when Smiler holds the door open for me.

"Hello, Lenni? It's Ruby from the hospital. Do you think you can get here soon?"

I panic and reach a hand out to grab Smiler's arm. "I've just pulled up. What's wrong?"

"Oh, nothing! I just need to show you something," she reassures me, and I try to work out what's going on from the tone of her voice, but she's giving nothing away. As we walk through the main doors, I see her by the reception desk and walk over to her.

"Follow me," she says, leading the way down the corridor. I look at Smiler but he just raises an eyebrow and gestures for me to go ahead. "This is our physio department," She opens another door and I freeze. "I came down here to see how he was doing and found them like this,"

"Are they... playing dodgeball?" I gasp.

She looks at me and grins as I take in the scene before me. Banjo has his arm held up by elastic strings attached to what looks like a drip stand. He stands in between two rails, occasionally grabbing one with his right hand to steady himself. Robin is grinning at him as she throws an inflatable ball between her hands. She waits for him to regain his balance before throwing it, laughing when he manages to dodge it. I look back at Ruby. "Is he up to this? I mean, he's supposed to be resting, isn't he?" She shakes her head and smiles. "The doctors cleared it, and the physio is keeping a close eye on him," She points and I spot a young man in white scrubs watching the pair with a grin. "Robin told him that if he can hit her five times, she'll sneak him a burger in later,"

I laugh and turn to Smiler who is watching Banjo with a wide grin. "She's good for him," I say to him, smiling when he turns to look at me.

"She's good for all of us," he says, wrapping an arm around my shoulders. We watch as Robin throws the ball softly to Banjo, who catches it with his good hand. He holds it against his chest while he gets his balance, before throwing it hard at her. She squeals and tries to dodge, but it catches her hip and Banjo laughs.

"That's five. You owe me a burger!" We all laugh and they turn to look at us, finally realising we're there. "Hey! When did you get here?" He asks, leaning against one of the rails.

"A few minutes ago," I say, walking over to kiss his cheek. "How are you doing?" I hear Ruby laugh and turn to see that Robin has managed to get Smiler to take Banjo's place in the game.

"Better than I was," Banjo says. He reaches out to squeeze my hand. "I'm sorry about earlier,"

I look up at him, shocked. "What the hell are you sorry for? We all know that if it was me, I'd be throwing one hell of a tantrum," I laugh, and he nods.

"Dr Ryan came back about an hour ago. He says there's still really good blood flow to my hand, and my feeling in it is good, so he doesn't think it's compromised yet. He'll do another scan tomorrow and see whether the infection's starting to heal. If not, he said something about a biopsy to make sure I'm on the right meds, but the ones I'm on work on most things, so it should be good. And I'm allowed to be up and about as long as my arm is on this thing," He pauses to tap the stand, "And that I stop when I need to. The antibiotics made me sick earlier so I've got new meds for that," He shrugs, and I nudge with him with my elbow.

"You should've called me, you idiot! I would've come back,"

"I know," he nods. "But I was a miserable prick and didn't want to bring you down with me. You've got enough going on," He looks at Robin, who is now chatting to Ruby and the physio, while Smiler listens in. "She's a good kid. She reminds me a lot of you," He grins at me and I sigh.

"Everyone says that, and it terrifies me," I laugh.

He shakes his head. "You turned out okay, didn't you?"

I laugh again. "I had help,"

"And so will she," He reassures me, but I can hear how tired he's getting.

"Why don't we go back to your room and I'll send those two out to get you that burger?"

He looks at me and grins, before pointing to a ball on the floor. I pass it to him, and he throws it towards the group. We all laugh when it hits the back of Robin's head, making her pause mid-sentence. She turns to look at him with a scowl, which then turns into laughter when he tries to look innocent and points at me.

***

When Dr O'Brian finds us later, we're all sitting in Banjo's room, surrounded by takeout wrappers. Banjo looks up at him and smiles innocently.

"Hey Doc, how's it going?" He asks, tucking a burger box behind his back.

"Eating healthily, I see," The doctor grins, before picking up Banjo's chart. "How's the head?"

"It's alright. It aches a bit when I get tired, but it's nothing major,"

"That's pretty normal with your injury. It should ease up over the next few days. If it gets too bad we can raise your pain meds again," He pauses when Banjo shakes his head and shrugs. "Or not, but let us know if it does get worse. How is your vision now?"

"Still blurry, and sometimes it takes a while for my eyes to focus properly. They ache as well,"

The doctor nods. "Again, that's normal. The muscles in your eyes are having to work harder than they usually would. As your vision becomes clearer, you'll find they ache less. You could try lying with a cold flannel over your eyes when they ache, it may help ease it. And if you're in bright light, wear sunglasses for a few days to protect them. Now," he pauses again, and Banjo looks at me. I send him a reassuring smile and he nods. "As far as your head injury goes, I'm fairly happy. You're making good progress and it's going the way we'd expect. I'd be happy for you to finish your recovery at home. However, we need to get this infection in your arm under control first. I'm going to order another scan on your brain tomorrow, and providing it doesn't show up any surprises, I'll recommend to Dr Ryan that you be discharged as soon as he's happy with your arm. Patients tend to recover better in their own surroundings once they get past a certain point. Is that okay?"

Banjo grins and nods. "Sounds good, Doc. Thank you,"

"You're welcome," Dr O'Brian nods at us all, before leaving us to our burgers.

I spend the rest of the evening filling them in on what George had told me earlier, and reassuring Robin that everything was going to be okay. It was dark outside by the time we'd finished chatting, and when I notice Banjo struggling to keep his eyes open, I usher Robin and Smiler outside to let him sleep. While we wait for the lift to take us back down to the lobby, I turn my head to look back along the corridor. A wide grin reaches my face as I spot Ruby leaning against the doorframe, looking in on a sleeping Banjo.

***

"So," Robin starts, and I look at Smiler with wide eyes. He's as helpful as ever as he shrugs and continues shovelling pizza into his face as if he's never been fed. "I know what I want to do when I leave school,"

I swallow my mouthful and breathe a sigh of relief. For a second I'd worried she'd heard about mine and Jay's argument that afternoon. "Okay. What's that?"

"I want to help people like Banjo. Or maybe injured soldiers or something. But do something to help people get back on their feet and stuff," She looks away from me as she wrings her hands nervously.

"Really?" I ask, grinning when she looks up at me and nods cautiously. "That's amazing! You'd be brilliant at it,"

"You think so?" She asks, returning my grin. "I mean, I'd have to go to college and stuff, I guess. I dunno how that'll happen with everything going on,"

It suddenly makes sense. She's not nervous that we won't support her; she's nervous that we won't be able to. I reach out and squeeze her hand. "Let's not worry about everything right now, okay? Whatever happens, we will all be here to support you and help you, for as long as you need us. With whatever you need,"

She sighs and looks at me again, grinning suddenly. "Okay! Can I borrow your laptop? I'm gonna look up courses and stuff,"

"Sure," I say, pointing to where it lies on the coffee table. I turn when I hear the front door open and freeze when I hear Jay call out.

"You guys here?" I look at Smiler, who brushes his hands off and ushers Robin into the lounge, squeezing my shoulder and kissing the top of my head on the way past. Jay pokes his head around the corner, but his face is blank as he sees me. "Take a walk with me?" He asks.

I stand and grab my phone off the counter, before leading the way out of the front door. We walk down the street in silence for what seems like ages before he speaks.

"I'm sorry about earlier. I should never have lost my temper like that. You know I'd never mean to do that around you, Len,"

I wrap my arm around his waist as we walk. "It's my fault. I shouldn't have pushed you to talk,"

His arm comes around my shoulder as he leads me to a bench in the park we walk Sammy in. "It's not your fault. I can control myself better than that; I just took it out on you. So let me apologise, okay?" I nod and lean my head on his shoulder as he sits beside me. "I've never told anyone about Jess. Ash knows, obviously. He was there. But I've never spoken about her, not even with him,"

"And you don't have to now, Jay. But one day, you will," I tell him, although part of me is dying to know.

"I do have to. You told me about your past even though it was probably one of the hardest things you ever had to do," He pauses and shrugs. "And I saw what you went through when you refused to speak about it," I swallow hard at the memories that come flooding back; the gun against my head as I saw no other way out, but I remain silent. "She was a journalist," He pauses again and I stay quiet, knowing he has to do this at his pace. "She'd been at the base for about four months, and we fell for each other. It's crazy how close you get to people when you're in those circumstances, but I thought she was the one. I just knew that it wouldn't matter where we were, or what circumstances we were in, I would always want to be with her, and I would always feel that way about her,"

"What was she like?" I ask, and I hear him chuckle.

"She was incredible. Even when we'd had a hard day, she'd manage to get everyone on the base laughing at something. She was clever; her brain seemed to work ten times faster than anyone else's, and she was beautiful. She had this blonde hair that she used to try and tie back, but within an hour it was flying all around her face again, no matter what she did with it. She was small, shorter than you, and really slim, but she'd eat more than any of us. She looked so fragile, but she'd put anyone in their place who mentioned it," I turn to look at him and see a bittersweet smile on his face. "I wanted to protect her, you know? I just wanted her safe. So this one day - it was a Thursday. It's weird how I remember that; all the days blurred into one over there. Anyway, we were doing a patrol not far from the base, and it had gotten more dangerous every time, with ambushes and IEDs. I asked her to stay at the base, just that one time. We argued; she said I was trying to control her and stop her doing her job. I said I just wanted her safe and protected. She said it was no more dangerous for her than us. We went back and forth for about ten minutes, both yelling at each other. She was supposed to get in the second vehicle with me, but I pissed her off that much that she refused, and sat in the lead vehicle. She didn't want to be anywhere near me," 

I bite my lip hard, trying to fight back the tears, 'cos now I know where this goes; now I know why he thinks it's his fault. "We were about twelve miles from base when the lead vehicle went over an IED. I can still hear the explosion when I think about it. And the smell; smoke and sulphur and burning flesh. I can hear the screams of the men as they burned, and the shouts as orders were given out. She was already gone by the time we got to her. The medic said it had been instant. She had been thrown against the side of the vehicle when the blast hit, and her neck had been broken. By the time we got to her though, the flames had too. It's a sight I'll never forget; what little hair she had left was black with soot, not the blonde I was used to. Her skin was blistered and melted-" His voice breaks and he stops talking.

We stay silent for a few minutes before I turn sideways on the bench to look at him. I grab his hands in mine and squeeze hard. "Jay, I can't imagine how hard that was, and honestly I don't even want to try. But we are not in Afghanistan. We are in Arizona," He goes to speak, but I squeeze his hands again. "We're not in Afghanistan, Jay. And what you went through was... I don't even know the words. Horrendous, terrifying, excruciatingly painful. But that was there, in a war zone, where there are IEDs and grenades, and people whose only aim in life is to kill the foreign soldiers and anyone who associates with them. That isn't here,"

"Lenni, I've seen you almost die here in Arizona. Twice. I almost had to shoot you myself. That was here, in Arizona,"

I nod. "Okay, you have a point. But both of those times were my fault, Jay. I put myself in those situations, and I was a completely different person back then. Okay, I'd probably still blow up the bikes if I had to do it again. But that's me, who's stupid and reckless and does crazy, stupid, reckless things. Jay," I pause because I'm not sure how he'll take my next words.

"What?" he asks, raising an eyebrow at me.

"What would she tell you?" I ask him.

He frowns and turns away. "She'd say she wanted me to live and be happy,"

"And are you?"

"What? Happy?" He asks, looking back at me again.

"Don't be stupid. Anyone can see you're not happy. There's a smashed window at the clubhouse to prove that," I grin, laughing when he grins back. "Are you living, Jay?"

"Um, obviously. Heartbeat, breathing, walking, talking. I'd say I'm alive," He says, pointing at his body to prove his point.

"No, Jay. You're surviving. You're existing. You are not living. Going through the motions every day does not count as living. Living is about..." I pause and look up at the sky, noticing how many stars I can see tonight. "Living is about making a life and enjoying it. Spending time with people you love,"

"I do that," he interrupts.

"Hush," I say, laughing when he salutes. "It's about looking at the stars, or making shapes from clouds, or trying new foods, new experiences. It's about loving, and laughing, and crying, and most of all, it's about taking risks. What's the point of being alive, if you're not going to live? She had the chance to live taken away from her, Jay, and I would do anything to give her that chance back. Anyone would. But you have that chance still, and this might sound like I'm being a bitch, but I think it's kind of unfair on everyone who had their chance stolen from them, for you to still have that chance and to just waste it!"

I'm breathless now, and I'm kinda scared to look at him. From the corner of my eye, I can see he's leaning his elbows on his knees with his head in his hands.

"What if she gets hurt because of me?" He asks, and his voice sounds so small I almost don't recognise it.

"That's her decision to make. She knows you, she knows the club, and she's clever enough to decide if it's worth the risk. You can't protect everyone, Jay. Sometimes, all you can do is accept their decision and hope for the best. You love her?" I ask.

"I think I do," he nods, his head still in his hands.

"Then live, Jay. Don't waste it. You don't know what will happen. It might all go wrong; one of you might get hurt. Or you just might make it. You'll be scared either way; you might as well be happy and scared instead of miserable and scared. I'm scared every day, I just don't let it stop me,"

He finally looks up at me but his expression is incredulous. "Don't bullshit me, Len. You're not scared of anything. You're too crazy to be scared,"

I laugh and shake my head. "I'm not scared for me. I'm scared for Robin, and Smiler. I'm scared for Banjo, and you and everyone else I love. I wake up scared and go to sleep scared. But I still live. Life is scary, it'd be boring if it wasn't."