^^ Lenni ^^

I know that by now I should be used to the rollercoaster that is my life. I should be able to predict how things are going to go. When something good happens, it is always followed by something bad. Take the last few months for example. Robin finally lets us help, then Banjo gets beaten so bad we almost lose him. Then he wakes up and finally gets his sight back, and the doctor tells him he might lose his hand. Then we have the meeting and finally get guardianship of Robin, and I'm sent flying by a truck, and Robin goes missing. Then we get Robin back safe and sound, and Banjo is released from the hospital. It should be obvious, right? Shit should be about to hit the fan. But as I open the door to Shelby's and see Banjo sitting at a table with Jay and Ash, I pause and I know I have a stupid grin on my face when they all share a look.

"What?" Banjo asks, looking me up and down.

"You're here! In Shelby's, wearing proper clothes, not a hospital gown. For a while there I thought I'd never see this again," I say, desperately trying to ignore the tears that want to fall from my eyes.

He rolls his eyes and turns his head. "Shel! Get this girl a coffee, quick!" I laugh and sit at the table with him. "Stop looking at me like that, Len. People might think you're a girl," He doesn't even look at me, but I see the corner of his mouth tilt up in a smirk.

I laugh and shove his shoulder. "Fuck you," I say, before turning to the others. "So, what's happening?" I ask.

"Nothing," Jay says, but from the way he watches the road outside, I can tell that whatever this club business is, it's got him worrying more than he wants to admit. "What are you doing?" He looks back at me and raises an eyebrow.

"Right now? Waiting for my coffee," I grin when he rolls his eyes. "I'm enjoying my last day before going back to work tomorrow," He nods and goes back to watching the road, looking up only when Shelby brings the coffees over. I turn to look at her and grin, laughing when she winks at me instead of blushing like I'd expected. Well, progress has obviously been made there, then. I jump when Ash leans close to murmur in my ear.

"I think everything's sorted now, just waiting for the final 'okay's," he tells me.

I grin and turn to him, nodding before I clear my throat and sip my coffee. For about three seconds, I enjoy this feeling that everything is okay until the door slams open and Ash is yanked out of his seat. I'm knocked by a flying elbow and stand up quickly as scalding coffee splashes over my legs. When I look up, it takes my mind a moment to realise what is going on. Smiler currently has Ash pinned against a wall by his shirt with one hand and is using his other hand to pound against Ash's face.

Ash must be as confused as me because it takes him a while to even fight back, but before I know it, they're in a full-out brawl, knocking tables and chairs flying as they go. I've seen Smiler angry before, I think I've seen all of them angry at one time or another. But never with each other, they're always in sync, them against the world. I shake myself out of my stupor and take a few steps towards them, fully intending to drag them apart and smash their stupid fucking heads together. Before I get anywhere though, arms wrap around my waist and I'm lifted off the floor.

"Jay! Get the fuck off me, they're going to kill each other!"

He doesn't listen; instead, he sits me on a chair and shoves a finger in front of my face. "Don't move," he orders, and suddenly he's purely the Bulldogs President. He moves faster than I ever knew he could, and in an instant he's between them with a hand on each of their chests, keeping them separated. I look to Banjo and Shelby who watch on, but they look just as surprised and lost as I am. If looks could kill, Smiler and Ash would both be piles of dust on the floor as they stare each other down. Both their chests are heaving and their faces are marred by blood and the bruises that are already starting to appear.

I stand and ignore the warning look from Jay. "What the fuck?" I ask. Someone seriously needs to tell me what the fuck is going on right now because I feel like I've been transported into another dimension.

Smiler turns to look at me, and suddenly it's me who should be dust on the floor. The look he gives me is nothing but fury and hate, and it makes me step back with wide eyes. "You're fucking sleeping with him!"

Uh, what?! I shake my head and look between him and Ash. "Wait, I'm what?" I ask, looking at the others for some answers, but now they all look at me with that anger too.

"You're sleeping with him. Mel just sent me a screenshot of messages she found between the two of you on his phone. And then I get here and find you whispering to each other with those secretive smiles because you both know something nobody else does. And you think you've gotten away with it. I should've known, you're just so friendly with all the guys, it was inevitable right?"

Okay, wow. That fucking hurts, and I don't think I can breathe. "What fucking messages? I'm not sleeping with anyone but you!"

He shrugs Jay's hand off and storms towards me, slamming his phone down on the table and pointing to it. I read the messages on the screen and my breath catches. Okay, I can totally see how they would come across the wrong way. Me saying she'll kill us if she finds out, Ash saying we just need to keep it quiet a bit longer. But suddenly, the fact that I can kind of understand how they look doesn't matter a bit. I look back up at him, making sure to keep my eyes on his as I fume.

"And you couldn't just ask me? Or him? Or even take a fucking second to think it through? It's me, and one of your best friends. Not to mention that he's married to one of my best friends, and is the father of my goddaughter. It didn't fucking occur to you that actually, it's all probably completely innocent?" He goes to speak, but I grab my bag and shove past him. "Fuck you. Just, fuck you," I look back at Shelby who is glaring at me, obviously reaching the same conclusions Smiler did. I point at her. "And fuck you too. You know what, just fuck you all," I have to get out of here now because I can't hold these sobs back, and my chest hurts so bad I think I'm actually having a heart attack. But as I yank the door open, Mel is on the other side. I take a deep breath and close my eyes for a second before speaking. "You know, I get that you're hormonal and tired and feeling insecure. I do, I totally understand that, and I've been there for you through it all. But the next time you have doubts about my loyalty, or you have something you need explaining, how about you just talk to me, to my face? Because I could've explained all of that in one sentence. But this," I turn and point to the mess behind me. "This is all because you got scared and went through Smiler, instead of just asking. I would never do that to Smiler, or to you, Mel. And neither would Ash. And if you doubted me on that, you should know above anything else that I would never do that to Lena,"

I see the moment that the truth sinks in for her. I see her eyes fill with tears, and the hand that reaches out to grab mine, but I just can't take any more of this. I shake my head and walk past her, ignoring the various calls for me to wait. I don't even turn round when Smiler roars, and a chair is thrown through the plate glass window that fills the front wall of the café. I'm just done.

***

I don't even know how many hours have passed, but when someone sits on the swing next to me and I look up wiping the tears away, Liam is the last person I expected to see. I raise an eyebrow at him and he shrugs, before handing me a bottle. As I look at it, I can't help but laugh.

"What?" He asks.

I shake my head. "I'm sixteen again," When he looks confused, I continue. "Sitting in a park with a boy, getting drunk on cheap vodka," He laughs and I hand him the bottle back after taking a long swig of it. "Can I ask you something?" He nods and pulls a joint out of his pocket, offering it to me. I shake my head and look away. "You didn't hack my phone to find me, did you?"

He laughs again and leans his head back, watching as the smoke he exhales floats upwards. "Nah. I come here when I need to get away. Just a coincidence,"

I nod and look at the joint in his hand. "That stuff will screw you up, you know?"

He nods. "I'm already screwed up,"

I sigh and close my eyes, leaning my head on the chain that holds the swing. "Aren't we all? But seriously though, you don't need that shit. And you can't prospect if you're on anything, Jay won't allow it," I look back at him and raise my eyebrows.

He looks at me before looking back to the joint, throwing it to the ground and standing on it. "Happy?"

I laugh and nod before closing my eyes again. I only open them when I hear someone sit down in front of me. Adam is texting on his phone, but he looks up and smiles slightly before fist bumping Liam.

"I messed up," he says quietly, and I look down at him. "I kissed Robin,"

I choke on air and look at him with wide eyes. "Did she want you to?"

"Well, I thought she did! But then she slapped me," he shrugs. I laugh loudly before slapping a hand over my mouth and mumbling an apology. "I thought she liked me, but then she slapped me and said she doesn't want anything, she just wants to focus on school. Then we saw the smashed window at Shelby's and it was kind of forgotten,"

My breath catches and I look between the boys. "So, everyone in town basically knows the ins and outs of my personal life now?" I sigh when they both nod. "Fantastic. And Robin is...?"

"On her way," Adam says, smiling innocently at me. It's not even five minutes later when she shows up and flops onto the ground next to him.

Liam hands me the bottle again, and I drink before laughing. "Definitely sixteen again,"

"Skids punched Smiler," Robin says in way of greeting. Can I just mention that vodka burns twice as much when you choke on it? "In fact, he pretty much just told everyone off,"

I groan. "Oh god. What happened?"

"Well, he got to Shelby's just after we did, and Banjo filled him in. Then he punched Smiler and spent the next ten minutes pointing out to everyone that between sorting me and Banjo out, and helping Jay with Shelby, and helping Mel feel better, and all that, you've barely had enough time to piss, let alone have sex," I laugh again picturing him ranting. "His accent gets way stronger when he's pissed, and his face kind of goes purple," She pauses before looking at me again and tilting her head. "Smiler cried,"

My heart stops. "What?"

"Yeah. I mean, not like full on sobbed, but his eyes were definitely watering and he kept rubbing his face. I dunno, he just kept saying he's lost you,"

Suddenly I have three teenagers looking at me, and I have no idea what to say. So I stand and stretch, before reaching out a hand to pull Robin up. "Come on. Let's go home. Me and you need to have a chat about slapping boys anyway,"

I look at Adam as he drops his head in his hands and can't help but smile when Liam tips his head back, laughing at his friend. When we're far enough away from them, I link my arm through hers. "Want to explain?"

She shrugs and watches our feet as we walk. "I've just had so much going on, now I just want to focus on school and getting into college. I do like him, a lot. But, I don't want to risk my dreams for a boy,"

Since when did teenagers think like that? Honestly, I feel like the world has switched and flipped a million times today, and it makes me dizzy. Or that could be the vodka. "Okay," I say, stopping and pulling her to face me. "I cannot believe that I'm about to say this. But you are young, and yes, school is important. And you should never give up your dreams for anyone, especially not a boy. But school isn't everything. You need to be young, and have fun, and make mistakes and enjoy the here and now. Nothing is permanent, and you don't know what will happen tomorrow or next week. So you need to enjoy now. As much as I was against him at the start, he actually seems like a decent kid. He obviously cares about you, and I think he would do anything to help you get where you want to be. I don't think he'd get in the way. You can have both, you just need to find a balance,"

She looks me in the eye for a few moments, and I feel like she's trying to read my mind, then she nods slightly and turns to carry on walking. "We'll see what happens," she says, and I wrap an arm around her shoulders, holding her close.

***

"Just go in!"

"Nope, I think I'm good out here,"

"Don't be stupid. It's your home, you're not sleeping on the driveway, even if I have to drag you in by your hair,"

I whine and look at Robin pleadingly. "But-"

She ignores me and moves to stand behind me, before giving me a hard shove in the back. "I know; that's his bike, which means he's here. Which means you can't run and you have to confront this shit-"

"Don't swear!"

"Which you don't want to do because you're scared," She finishes.

I turn to look at her. "I'm not scared!"

She nods. "Sure, of course, you're not. Come on then," She leads the way and I groan, knowing that she's just backed me into a corner. Shit, this kid is just like me!

As soon as we walk in the front door, she darts off to her bedroom and leaves me standing in the hallway alone. I take a deep breath and walk into the kitchen, heading straight for the coffee machine. I finally turn to face Smiler while I'm waiting for it to be ready, leaning my back against the countertop. He moves to stand in front of me but doesn't say anything. For a moment, he just stares at me, like he's trying to tell me everything without actually speaking. He sighs and reaches a hand up to run it through his hair. I can't help it, and it's just a natural instinct, but he notices and looks at me with wide eyes.

"Did you just... flinch?" He says it quietly, but I can hear the anger in his voice, and I look up at him with tears in my eyes. "Shit," he whispers, before moving next to me and bracing his hands on the counter. "I wouldn't..." He pauses and I see him squeezing his finger and thumb into his eyes before he releases a deep breath. He doesn't look up from the floor. "I would never-"

"I know," I whisper, cutting him off. He looks up at me, and my heart breaks when I see the moisture in his eyes. But then there's the bitchy part of my brain that's telling me it serves him right. I watch him for a moment as he searches for something to say, but then he gives up and turns to leave. I apparently have no control over my own body, because my hand shoots out to grab his wrist, and he freezes. I can feel his whole body shake as he seems to have some kind of internal battle, but he turns to face me again. He moves slowly as he brings a hand up to cup my neck, giving me a chance to pull away. When I don't, he rests his forehead on mine and closes his eyes. I find myself fisting a hand into his shirt, trying to hold myself up.

"Do you remember what I said to you when I first told you I love you?" He asks quietly. "That I don't know what I'm doing when you're around but the thought of you not being around scares the shit outta me?" Of course, I remember. I'm a girl, we remember that sort of shit. But what surprises me, is that he remembers. I don't say anything though, just nodding. "That's still true. I've never been scared of anything in my life until I met you. Now I'm constantly terrified,"

Okay, I kind of feel like he's blaming me for something now, but I have no idea what. I pull away and frown at him, and he sighs, shaking his head.

"Fuck. I'm doing this all wrong, saying it all wrong," His hand moves towards mine, but he pauses and pulls it back, so I step forward and wrap my fingers around his. "You're too good for me, Len. You're too good for this life," He squeezes my hand when I open my mouth to argue. "You are. You're better than this. Having friends dropped on the doorstep beaten half to death? Being crashed into by a truck driven by a maniac with a grudge? You deserve more, you deserve better. And I know that one day you'll realise it. But I've told myself to just enjoy you while I have you, and not wonder when that day will be. But then I feel like that day's getting close, and I can't handle it. I freak out and I get scared, and then I get angry. And I've tried to hide it, to not make it a big deal. But the thought of you with another guy, someone else's hands on you, it's too much. It tips me over the edge,"

Who is this, and where is my Smiler? Where's the cocky, arrogant, foul-mouthed bad boy that I fell in love with? Because, this person - insecure and full of doubts - is not him. I feel like my mind is running at 100mph, and I just need it to slow down so I can catch up. I run my hands up his arms and cup his face, forcing him to look up from the floor. "There's never been anyone else, not since that day I got on your bike. And there never will be. This life, you, Robin, the guys, it's perfect for me. I could never want anything else, or anyone else. Yeah, okay, I flirt with the guys and we're all close, we all have a laugh. But that's all it is. They're all like my big brothers; honestly, the thought of them touching me like that makes my skin crawl. It's practically incest," I see the corner of his lips twitch and lean up to place a kiss there. "But you know that,"

He nods and wraps his arms around me, nuzzling his face into my neck. "You wanted to run," he mumbles.

I pull back to look at him again. "What?"

"That night before the meeting, you wanted to run. There will always be a part of you that's halfway out the door, ready to run,"

I can't help it, I laugh. He looks at me, and I bite my lip to stop the giggles. "Sorry," I say, fighting hard to keep my face straight. "But you're an idiot,"

He goes to pull away but I grab hold of his shirt, pulling him back to me, before lifting my hands to grip my fingers into the back of his hair. "I wanted to run with you. I wanted to take Robin, and just get away, the three of us. I was scared we'd lose her, and I wanted us to be a family, even if that meant we had to run,"

"You didn't say that. You just said you wanted to run,"

"Well, yeah," I say, rolling my eyes. "Because I thought it was fucking obvious that I'd always want you with me,"

"Shit," he whispers again, shaking his head, before looking back to my face. "Have I lost you?"

I bite my lip and shake my head. "I'm here,"

"For how long?" he asks, and I reach up to kiss him.

I put every emotion into the kiss, trying to make him realise everything I don't know how to say. "Forever," I tell him, grinning when he groans and fists his hand in my hair, holding me tight.