A few more days had passed since the whole Lance incident and my mental stability hadn't gotten any better. Shiro's been asking me about it, and quite frankly it's pissing me off.

He won't shut up about something seeming off with me, and keeps mentioning that I haven't been acting like my normal "emo" self.

I brush it off and tell him I'm fine when he asks about it, the other times I try to avoid him or the subject all together so I don't let anything slip.

It's so hard...

Trying to handle these emotions that haven't surged through my body, at this magnitude, for a while. Trying to handle these new emotions that I can't quite figure out and trying to keep myself sane with all that's going through my head. 

I'm not used to all this extra weight, I've felt so heavy for the longest time, like having the inability to come down from a high after smoking a bad batch of pot.

A light knock on the wood frame of my door threw a rope down to help me climb out of the hole I was digging myself into.

"Hey Keith can we talk for a moment?" Shiro opened my door slightly and poked his head through, greeted with the sight of me looking out the window, which has been something I do a little more frequently now.

Sighing, I glanced over at him with watery eyes that I desperately tried to hide. My wrist ascended weakly and waved him in. He sat on my bed, both feet planted firmly on the cherry stained floorboards, knees seperated and elbows resting on his thighs as he leaned closer towards me. His put his head in his hands and rubbed his eyes, probably attempting to erase the black rings, before lifting his head up slightly to make eye contact with me.

I complied to his action by giving him a small piece of my attention; removing one of my earbuds and lowering the volume.

"So you've been in your room more than not, over the span of the last few days. It's already been almost two weeks since school started and you've been doing pretty bad in some of your mandatory classes. Is everything ok?" Shiro was rocking back and forth slightly, I could tell he was worried about me but I didn't want his worry.

I'm fine.

"Yeah I'm good Shiro I've just been... tired lately." I kept my gaze towards the opening of the window, a light breeze caressing my face and playing with my hair.

"Oh... well are you getting enough sleep?"

"I guess." Sleep? I've never heard of it.

I couldn't tell him the truth because it would be too much of a hassle having to deal with more problems. In all reality, I couldn't stop tossing and having nightmares about my past, and present situations. I was waking up in cold sweats the times I actually managed to doze off and even then I would only be able to sleep for two hours at most.

"Have you been taking your medication? You've looked a little depressed lately." Fuck the medication! It's not doing shit and in case he hasn't noticed one of the side effects of depression is having depression. But Shiro's eyes were begging for an answer, good or not and who was I to deny that.

"Yeah, I'm fine! Do you have anything else to talk about or can I be left alone?" My voice sounded harsh but I really just wanted to be by myself. I love Shiro and that's why I don't want to burden him with my problems, I'm already a thorn in his side.

I grabbed for my wrist and pulled it to my chest then looked back at Shiro, accidentally looking at his scar. As quickly as I glanced over, I averted my eyes from the possible flood of sentiment.

Shiro getting that scar on his face was all my fault. If I just stood up for myself when I was younger than he never would have had to-

If... I were stronger he wouldn't have to live with that scar, a... and maybe he would be happier. I both love and hate Shiro for that. His scar is just a reminder that I bring him down.

His gaze lingered ever so concerned and curious, almost looking for something, but the line of sight wasn't pointed at my face... his eyes grew wide as if he had a sudden realization.

"Keith..." Fuck. Nope. Nope, Keith isn't home right now, don't leave a message after the beep cause I'm not calling back.

He looked like he was about to cry. It's been a long time since I've seen Shiro cry, and even then it was quite a rarity when we were kids. It wasn't uncommon for him to hide it then, it's the way we raised ourselves. It takes a lot to make Shiro cry so why would he ever cry over something I've done.

He'll suck it up.  Shut up.

"Are you... hurting yourself, again?" My eyes grew to match his and I jerked my head to face him.

The brutal truth is I've never stopped... what's the point? I deserve to be punished for being a black mark on everyone's lives. But, I couldn't tell Shiro that. I don't know how he would handle it... actually I know exactly how he'd handle it. I just know how I'd handle his reaction.

"Jeez Shiro, just because I'm having a few off balance days doesn't mean I'm ready to jump off a bridge."

"It's been more than a few off days Keith! You're not yourself... we can get you help. Talk to some doctors and maybe up your prescription a bit. I could take you to a therapist..." Shiro was trying to list off some ideas he had to 'fix' me... I know he's trying to help but I cut him off.

"You make it sound like I can't handle my own problems." I turn my head away in frustration.

I could feel the disappointment radiating off of him. He's right, but I just can't face that realization right now. I glance back at him, his expression nothing short of shocked.

"I never said that! I know you can handle your own problems but you haven't always had the right methods Keith!" Shiro yelled, his temper and worry spilling out into his words. 

Something about watching Shiro lose his composure is... unnerving. One, Shiro never raised his voice and two, yelling makes me nervous no matter who it's coming from... even I scare myself sometimes when I yell at people.

"You're right. I'm stupid and I've done stupid things! All I seem to fucking do is mess shit up! But... but that doesn't mean I can't change." My voice was low. 

I winced when Shiro stood up abruptly. He looked like he needed to blow off steam so I put my earbuds back in and tried to listening to whatever Sleeping with Sirens could supply me with.

Shiro looked upset that I flinched when he yelled and I guess, in that moment, he started contemplating what he was doing or going to say next.

After several moments he left it at a sigh and went to leave, grabbing my door handle. As his footsteps grew further away, the slight inhale threatening sound got my attention.

"You can talk to me Keith, I'll always be here you just have to trust me." 

And he walked out.

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When I'm stressed or tired, which is more often than not, I usually listen to calming music; but Keith's guitar skills are insane!

His voice is just amazing, if not better than his instrumental talent. I couldn't help but listen when both our windows were open. Fortunately my lights were off, so I don't think he saw any of my scars or bruises.

God I wish I could have listened to him forever, but of course my father had to ruin that too.

Maybe that isn't it. Did he stop because he saw me listening from across the way? Or did he just get tired and decide to look out the window? It felt good to escape my life for a second and listen to the music, but why was he watching me change if he hated me? 

He could always just be a pervert?... nah.

Unfortunately, the minimal peace was ruined by none other than my "asshole of the year" father. He got angry at bills and threw his glass into the doorframe. That's what initially put me on edge. 

I knew he'd be yelling for me to clean it up, and either I was going downstairs or he was coming up. I didn't want Keith to see how weak I was... it would get in the way of this whole mutual respect thing we have going on.

Two weeks and sixteen beatings later, Keith is still ignoring me but I don't care anymore... at least that's what I've been telling myself. I've kept trying to talk to him but he's been dodging me, and I have no idea why.

I have no idea what his problem is, but it'd be nice if I could talk to him, face to face. I don't have a clue why I want to talk to Keith Kogane, but something about the way he sees me seems different from everyone else who pretend they know me. 

Oddly enough, his mistrust is refreshing compared to the blind "loyalty" of the football team from last year and the year before that.

No one knows me, but they pretend they do. Keith might make flash judgements, but he presents them to me with a scowl opposed to a fake smile. I'll admit, I'm curious as to why he took an approach like this.

What makes him so different?

A few days after that, it's rounding the corner to the end of the third week of September. I'm practically jumping through the halls, trying to get to the locker to catch Keith before he has the time to hide from me.

I just want to talk to him; ask him why he hates me, or at the least why he's avoiding me. I know that's a little forward, but I'm tired of being ignored by him. I realize the journal thing might've been too far but I don't deserve this! I just want to know what I did to get him to feel this way about me, because this seems bigger than a tattered notebook.

Don't get me wrong, I still admire the freshness of his bitter attitude towards me (oddly) but it's been almost three weeks.

It didn't take long before I rounded the corner to the hall with our shared locker and to my surprise and relief Keith was standing there talking to Pidge. I walked towards the two shorties, Keith seemingly distracted as I snuck up.

Pidge did spot me though, but smiled wide after making handguns for some weird reason. Keith turned back to his locker and Pidge looked over to me before winking and waving me to come closer. 

I obliged. Here's an opening, and I'm sure as hell gonna take it. 

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