A DEAD POETS SOCIETY FAN-FICTION

NIEL PERRY / TODD ANDERSON
AU

( gif by weltonpoets )

" I am not to speak to you,
I am to think of you when
I sit alone or wake at night alone,
I am to wait. I do not doubt
I am to meet you again,
I am to see to it that I do not lose you- "

SONGS THAT REMIND
ME OF THEM

YOUNG PRESIDENTS, someone still loves you boris yeltsin
SCHOOLBOY, grouplove
POWERFUL LOVE, field medic
EVERYTHING IS SHIT EXCEPT MY FRIENDSHIP WITH YOU, ball park music
LET'S HAVE A PARTY, wanda jackson
TAKING PICTURES OF YOU, the kooks
PULASKI AT NIGHT, andrew bird
IF YOU EVER WANT TO BE IN LOVE, james bay

WORD COUNT
9828

"Balincrest is an easy win." Neil remarked at their dinner table.

"I don't know, Perry..." Knox countered. "Their new striker is apparently a killer." He told him.

"Yeah, but with Neil on our defence, nothing much'll happen." Stephen shrugged, concentrating on his meal.

"Thanks, Meeks." Neil smiled gratefully. "But I didn't know they kicked Newman off the team. What for?"

"He spat on the ref during his last game." Pitts answered, his head in his hands because he was so tired from their training.

"Jeez." Neil chuckled. "Well, he was always a bit hot headed. What do you know about this new guy?"

"Balincrest basically bribed him with a soccer scholarship so he'd leave his old school... that's how good he is." Knox spoke, and mutterings were heard throughout the friendship group. "His name's Anderson, I don't know his first name. Chris was telling me that a lot of girls go after him 'cuz he's a pretty boy. He's not exactly interested, though, if you catch my drift."

Neil raised his eyebrows, he sure was interested. It seemed more and more by the second that he'd actually have a bit of competition with this guy. After all, he was usually the best and most desired player on the field... now he wasn't so sure it'd be like that.

...

Saturday was the big day. Half of the stands were Welton boys in uniform, the other half were an unruly mix of boys and girls all in white and red.

Balincrest had cheerleaders, but Welton had the whole school there. They were both cheering far too loud.

The boys all lined up to shake hands in the beginning of the match, Neil greeted everyone that was familiar, until the last guy in the line.

"Anderson." He remarked, looking the boy up and down. He was shorter than the brunette, pale, and not exactly the sporty type. He was rather thin, and unassuming. In fact, he looked a bit anxious. But that didn't matter when he had distractingly beautiful blue eyes, soft looking blonde hair, and perfect lips. His cheeks were red in the cold as he greeted Neil back. "Perry." He nodded his head. He'd been given the run down of Neil's team, no doubt, and the captain wasn't exactly easy to miss.

As the different teams took up their starting positions, Neil thought about the fact that Anderson being liked by the girl population at school was not hard to believe. Especially since he was the star player of the soccer team. What was harder to grasp as a concept, was that he wasn't interested in all those girls. Was he maybe... gay?

He was pulled out of his reverie by the coin being flipped, and it landing on tails. That meant Balincrest started first.

Neil mentally prepared himself, he certainly wasn't gonna let some pretty boy distract him.

...

Not even a few minutes in, he realised how right Knox was about Todd's skills. He was next level good, and it didn't take him very long to end up only a few feet away from their goal, despite Neil doing everything to get the ball away from him.

But Neil eventually did, because Todd's foot barely slipped. Neil passed it down to Meeks, who passed it to their striker, Charlie.

He scored easily passes their goalie.

The Welton crowd was roaring, and Balincrest was begrudgingly clapping along, because they were 'good sports'.

Todd of course, was totally pissed that his opponents had scored, and he immediately powered through their whole defence like he had before, but this time, he got it in.

This is going to be a long game, Neil thought.

...

Neil had never heard Welton cheer quite that loud for any occasion. In fact, he'd never actually heard a crowd cheer as loud as the two school's joint screaming.

The game was a blur of whistling from the referees (Mr. Keating and a bloke from the other school), yelling between teammates, and mud going everywhere because it'd rained two days before. And now the final time-out that Balincrest had called, five minutes before the end of the game, was coming to a close.

Neil was out of breath, wiping the sweat from his forehead. Todd looked just as tired, but what he lacked before the game, Neil saw now. Determination. A wild and bright fire burning behind his eyes. It looked dangerous, and as observed by Neil, really hot. Todd stood up from where he was hunched over with his hands on his knees, breathing in deeply. His jaw set. He sure as Hell didn't look like that anxious boy from before. Neil wasn't sure which side of him he dug more.

The time-out was soon over, and the boys resumed their places on the field. Todd stole a glance at the other team's captain, like he had when possible during breaks in the game. He was covered in dirt, but then again, so was Todd, and he had a few grazes and bruises from their nasty tacklings. He still managed to look incredibly attractive, which was totally unfair in the blonde's eyes.

...

"A tie isn't very satisfying, huh?" Neil heard a voice ask from behind him.

Surprised, he turned around to see the boy he couldn't keep his eyes off of before. As soon as the match had ended, the nervousness seemed to flood back into the blonde boy. He stood by the door, uncertainty clear in his body language. The way he lingered.

He had cleaned himself up. Only the remnants of a few minor game injuries could be seen. He looked really soft in that white and red letterman jacket. Neil wanted to see if he really felt how he looked.

He cleared his throat, realising that he was 1) staring, 2) taking too long to answer, and 3) thinking some rather lovey dovey things about someone he hadn't even had a conversation with.

"Yeah, 'guess not." He leaned back against the sink that he had just used to splash his face with water. "You played incredibly, though. I was gonna say it earlier, but you kinda got whisked away." He trailed off, his hands gripping at the basin and his eyes drifting to the floor.

"Thanks." The other boy said rather timidly, and Neil could hear him finally pace into the room. If he wasn't so nervous himself, he would have looked up to see Todd flushing pink, smiling to himself.

When he did looked up, though, the other boy was sitting on a changing bench in the middle of the room. He looked up at Neil through his eyelashes, seemingly asking a question without really needing to speak. Oh Lord... those blue blue eyes.

And of course Neil would sit with him. He joined Todd on the wooden seat, playing with the sleeves of his blazer.

"You were great too, ya know?" He remarked quietly, kicking his feet back and forth against the tile, his All Stars barely making a noise. Kinda like him.

Neil shrugged the compliment off. "I'm Neil, by the way."

"Oh, I'm Todd." He replied back. "You know your name... ?" He trailed off, looking up at Neil expectantly.

They weren't very far away, so when Neil looked to him too, they could see each other perfectly. Only a few good inches apart.

Neil's lips quirked into the usual smirk that he wore when he wasn't around cute boys that made him feel all bubbly inside. "Yeah, I'm aware of it." He chuckled lightly.

Todd blushed, immediately wishing he'd worded his sentence better. For someone who was so good with words, he really sucked at speaking. "No, I-I, I mean... well, your name means; champion." He explained, looking at everything that wasn't Neil, out of embarrassment.

They were still close together, and Neil wasn't looking away from how pink his cheeks were anytime soon. Not when he could see freckles under Todd's eyes, and other little details that made the happiness in his chest increase by tenfold. Todd quickly realised that there was nothing in the room that looked quite as appealing as Neil, and plus, he could basically feel Neil staring, sending flaring heat up wherever he looked. Todd's cheeks and the bridge of his nose were still red when he finally decided to glance at Neil again.

"That's cool. How'd you know that?" He asked, tilting his head slightly. If he leaned closer they'd have the perfect angle to kiss.

"I-I know it's lame, but I r-read and write a lot." He admitted, before adding. "Y-your name a-also means c-cloud."

Oh, Neil could not get enough of this Todd character. One second he was on the field, crazy confident, and then suddenly he was this easily-flustered, stuttering boy. He was just so cute. Neil felt himself melt inside.

"I don't think that's lame. I love poetry and theatre." Neil remarked genuinely. He'd always wanted to be in a play, and wrote whenever he could.

"Really?" He watched Todd's eyes glimmer with a sort of hope. Almost like... 'you don't think I'm a total dork?!'.

"Yeah." He watched closely as Todd smiled for the first time since they'd met.

Neil could've fallen down Peaking Hill and landed directly in a bed of nails at the bottom, and it would've hurt less. Conversely, he didn't think anything he'd ever done had given him the feeling of accomplishment he felt when he finally saw that smile. It was small. Almost nothing. If Neil smiled like that he'd probably be asked if there was something wrong, or why he looked like he was holding back. But he could tell, to Todd, this was something real. Genuine.

"Does my name have any other meaning?" He asked, sticking on track with whatever would make Todd keep that look.

But it slowly faded, and Neil wanted to turn back to when they were silent merely moments before. Oh, no. Now he's gone and upset the puppy.

"W-well, um." And he was turning pink again. "It does mean passionate, t-too."

Neil cocked an eyebrow, his cheeky smile returning. "Interesting."

...

"I'm gonna go and practice." Neil remarked at his friends as they lounged around in Meeks and Pitts' room.

"You don't look like you're going to practice." Meeks countered from where he sat on the floor, showing Charlie his designs for a radio. They lay shoulder to shoulder on the floor, both on their stomachs as they leaned on their elbows. Charlie looked surprisingly interested, looking between the paper and Meeks every now and again. He mostly looked at Meeks absently, though. Neil was very sure that he had no idea what Meeks was even talking about, but he seemed enthusiastic anyways.

Neil in fact, did not look like he was going to practice. He was wearing his fitted slacks, his long trench coat, and had an olive green sweater and a grey scarf on. How did he not think this through? Come up with a better excuse? He guessed he just had a lot of other things on his mind. Like the person he was meeting. Especially the person he was meeting

"Yeah, whatever." He murmured, pulling Pitts' cupboard door open to look at himself in the long mirror. He sighed, beginning to fix his dark hair.

"Who're you meeting up with?" Knox asked suspiciously, knowing that it'd be the only reasonable explanation for Neil to lie. Or anyone in the group, really.

"No one." He snapped defensively. Knox didn't take offence. This is what Neil got like when he was nervous (which only convinced him further that he was meeting someone). He didn't like to talk much in that state, and when you did try to speak to him, he was really short-worded.

"I think it's Anderson." Pitts chimed.

Neil shot him a glare and blushed, because now Charlie heard, and Charlie's number one thing to do was torment Neil about his love life.

Neil breathed out loudly, rather dramatically, actually. He'd basically already forgiven Pitts, who was shooting him 'I'm sorry' eyes straight after he heard Charlie gasp, snapping his head up.

"Todd?!" His eyes widened. "Oooh, I like you two together!" He exclaimed excitedly.

Meeks patted him on the back to calm him down, because he could see Neil wasn't in the mood. Knox, who was sitting on the right bed, piped up. "Have you guys noticed that Neil is always attracted to people that challenge him?"

"What do you mean?" Neil furrowed his eyebrows.

"I mean. You had a crush on Gregory because he was the only person as smart as you until Meeks came." Knox explained, shrugging.

"And that girl that swam for Balincrest that beat you in butterfly a few times." Meeks added, and strangely enough, his hand hadn't moved from Charlie's back.

"And now Todd." Pitts finished, he was sitting on the left bed, wrapped up humorously in his duvet. He looked like he was a burrito.

Neil could feel his face heat up at the implication. Because, well, it was true. Neil liked people that could give him a challenge, be his conflict. The reason he strived to be better. Plus... Todd was talented and cute and he and Neil had this thing where they made each other comfortable but flustered and anxious at the same time. Todd intrigued him more than anything. He was shy and quirky, and Neil dug that more than he ever liked anyone else.

"Well, I'm heading out." He avoided the gazes of his friends, mainly Charlie, who was yelling at him to not fuck it up.

As soon as he shut the door to the room, he sighed for what seemed like the hundredth time in that hour alone. Almost as if he could breath out all the anxiety building up in his stomach.

Neil brought his scarf up to cover his mouth once he was outside. It was Spring, but it had been rather cold as of late, so he tended to bundle up.

He walked passed the soccer fields on his way to Peaking Hill. A spike of excitement went through his body when he thought of the week before. He was still nervous about meeting up with Todd again, but he had a buzz about it to say the least.

His heart picked up as soon as he saw the outskirts of the field, the pretty yellow flowers dotted around.

Neil made his way over the hill, his shins now knocking against all of the plants. His breath caught in his throat when he saw a familiar figure near the bottom of Peaking.

Todd had his hands in his pockets, and he was wearing a grey coat similar to Neil's. His blonde hair was messy from behind.

When he was only a foot away from Todd, the boy turned around at the sound of him. A shy smile immediately appeared on his lips when he saw Neil.

"Hiya." Todd greeted him, looking at his counterpart bashfully.

"Hey." He said back, moving his scarf down to shoot the boy a charming grin.

...

"I searched the meaning of your name, you know?" Neil spoke to Todd, looking over at him as they lay down in the field. Some of him was blocked by the flowers, but that was okay.

Todd smiled again. Neil felt amazing for helping him smile. It really was a win win situation. "Really? And... ?"

"Clever, cunning, sly." Neil listed the definitions. "You don't seem cunning." He observed.

"You don't seem like a cloud." Todd retorted playfully.

"I don't know... I think I look pretty fluffy." Neil told him, peering above them at the sky. Speaking of, the sky was full of cotton candy clouds. It was pretty. He'd always wanted to paint the sky.

"You do." Todd confirmed, and then he rolled over so that he was right next to Neil, lying on his stomach with his head in his hands and feet in the air.

Neil simply beamed in reply, linking his hands on his stomach, watching them move up and down with each breath he took. "You any good at art?" He asked, looking up to his left where Todd's face was.

"I guess, yeah. I try, anyways... why?" He started to pick a few flowers out, twisting and turning their stems.

"I've always wanted to paint the sky, but I'm rubbish at art." Neil was still watching Todd, how his hands moved gently, meticulously. His fingers were slender, and for a fleeting moment, Neil wondered what it would be like to have his palm pressed against Todd's.

"No one's bad at art, Neil." He reprimanded, as if he was an elementary school art teacher that really just wanted everyone to cooperate in class and not feel self conscious (even if they all did actually suck at art).

"I sure am." Neil said adamantly. "But that's okay. I can act." He looked on the bright side, a silver lining if you will. Actually... there were a lot of silver linings in Neil's storm. He was good at most things. He enjoyed most things.

"Can you sing?" Todd asked absentmindedly. He thought that maybe Neil could do broadway when he graduated. He sure had the looks for it.

"My friends think so." Neil wasn't sure what to focus on then. The sun had risen, and both of them had discarded their scarves and coats. Todd now only wore an adorable royal blue sweater that looked a lot like Neil's, except for the colour, obviously. Todd was twirling the flowers into a ring.

Neil sighed in happiness, closing his eyes and tilting his head upwards.

"Can you sing to me when you feel comfortable?" Todd asked politely. Neil liked how kind he was. He was purely a sweetheart.

"Sure thing." And he had to stop himself from adding sweetheart to the end of that.

They sat in a contemplative silence. Todd liked to think. He liked to observe. He enjoyed silence. His parents thought it was a bit weird (but his brother, Jeff, thought it was okay), and so did his so-called-friends at school. The only reason he was honestly still going to Balincrest was because of the scholarship.

Neil began to chew on his bottom lip. He wished he could be with Todd all the time. He didn't even have to talk to him, because his company was proving to be very enjoyable, and they'd only met once before then.

It wasn't often that Todd clicked with people and hit it off, he was generally very awkward. He didn't know why Neil was different, but he was grateful.

The brunette boy opened his eyes and peered over at Todd. It turned out that he'd made a flower crown, and had placed it on his head. Blonde hair matched with the yellow and green, and Neil couldn't help but crack a smile.

"That's pretty." He complimented softly.

Todd's face heated up and all he could do was stare at his hands and smile.

...

With four months of the boys knowing each other, nothing much had changed. Every Friday, they'd meet at Peaking. Sometimes they'd just sit there, but other times they'd walk through the forest, or skip rocks on the lake. The last time, Todd even took Neil to check out his school.

That was Neil's favourite day, because on the way back, he finally had the courage to hold Todd's hand. Before, he'd brush fingers with him and lose confidence, his ears turning red. Not that time, though, because he finally held hands with Todd. Todd's hands were cold, and his were warm, but that was okay. Neil remembered when he thought about doing exactly that for the first time all those weeks ago. Never did he think it would happen, nor did he begin to imagine what'd happen afterwards. What did happen, was that Todd smiled, a really big smile, the widest one Neil had seen on him so far. And he tried to hide how happy he was by looking down at his shoes, and ruffling his hair with his other hand. Neil didn't miss it, however, and he didn't miss the pink blush that coated the bridge of his nose and cheeks, either.

Neil had never grinned harder.

Now, Neil had finally arrived on Peaking, but it was beginning to drizzle. His coat was doing a lot to keep him from the rain. But his hair was wet, and the jacket was just getting damper by the second. He wouldn't turn around and head back to school for the world, though.

Todd met him at the top this time, and he was shivering. He wasn't wearing him trench. He was only wearing a pale blue (with an undertone of grey) hoodie, that was slowly turning darker as it soaked up more water.

"Oh, Todd." Neil said in a pitying way, immediately bringing him into a warm hug. Todd wrapped his hands under Neil's coat, feeling the heat radiating from the back of Neil's jumper.

"M-my mom t-took my coat in f-for repairs when she came o-over o-on the weekend." He explained into Neil's shoulder, closing his eyes at the feeling of Neil's body wrapped protectively around his. It was still drizzling, and it was getting harder as they stood, but he couldn't really feel it with how tightly Neil was holding him, his body covering Todd's own. Hips slotting against hips, stomachs grazing, arms everywhere, and Neil's nose brushing the back of Todd's neck as his head rested on the curve of Neil's shoulder.

Neil quickly realised that Todd was shaking from the cold, and only then thought about how long the walk really was from Balincrest to where they met up. "You should have just stayed in your dorm." Neil told him softly, rubbing his back in an attempt to cause friction which would make the boy warmer.

Todd removed his head from where it rested on Neil, and tilted his neck back to look at him, eyes slightly wider and more innocent than usual. "B-but I wanted t-to see you."

And Neil sure as Hell could not argue with that. Not when Todd looked so pure and effervescent, pink lips parted as he simply stared back at the brunette with a certain kind of intensity.

"I'm glad you came." Was what Neil decided on saying, thankful that he didn't blurt out the hundreds of other praises on the tip of his tongue. "Now, c'mon." He pulled away from Todd, quickly unwrapping the scarf that was around his neck and putting it around Todd's, to provide some sort of heat. Soon after, Neil intertwined their fingers, pulling the other boy along.

"Where are we going?" Todd asked after him, surprised. He was blushing bashfully at Neil's kindness, and, also the fact that the scarf smelt like Neil (specifically, clean sheets and pine). He was also rather disappointed at both the lack of warmth that he now had, of course, besides the new item of clothing, and the lack of Neil pressed against him softly, gently, like they'd done it so many times before, but at the same time, definitely hadn't.

Neil didn't answer him the whole way to their destination, Todd always two paces behind him with no clue as to where he was being lead. But soon he began to figure it out. The field, the lake, and pretty soon, the church. He was being lead to Welton.

It was raining properly by then, and all the remaining teachers and students that weren't home for the short holidays were inside their rooms.

Todd stopped Neil as soon as they arrived at the side of the church that was the farthest from the school. There were large grey bricks, and higher up, the prettiest glass windows Todd had seen with his own two eyes. Sure, he'd seen better ones in pictures, but not in real life. They depicted boys at Welton, and religious things that Todd didn't like to think about too much.

"Neil, slow down." Todd whispered, in fear of anyone being near (and although it was a Friday at four o'clock, he was afraid that there might have been a church service he was so rudely interrupting). "I can't just go into your school."

Neil noticed how Todd had halted him by taking both of his hands, their joined fingers hung together in front of him. He smiled despite there being nothing much in their conversation to be spectacularly happy about. "'Course you can. I'm allowed visitors." He shrugged, almost in this dazed way. A love-sick way.

Todd contemplated this. He wanted to get out of the rain... more specifically, he wanted to get out of the cold. He was already soaked to his core, and he didn't feel like being a stray puppy outside in the storm (because he really didn't want to return to his own boarding house). "Isn't that just for family members?" He asked skeptically.

Neil seemed to ponder that. "Probably." He said. "But I guess I could just sneak you in."

Todd had 'that's not a good idea' written all over his face. Quite honestly, it probably wasn't a good idea. Sneaking anyone into Welton would get you into major trouble.

"Oh, come on, Todd!" Neil rolled his eyes. "Carpe Diem. No one will find out. And plus, you don't wanna head back to Balincrest, do you?"

"Well, no. But what about your roommate. Won't he be annoyed?"

"Almost everyone is gone, Todd. But it would matter either way, because he just moved to Chicago, so I don't have a roommate anymore." He explained matter-of-factly, super glad to be winning the argument when it meant convincing Todd to be in his room. "And now you've run out of excuses." He remarked with happiness. "Let's just go... before you freeze to death."

Todd remained silent and looked down at his leather boots that were getting ruined by the water everywhere, before letting out a quiet groan, knowing that Neil was right. A smirk appeared on Neil's face almost immediately afterwards, and he watched as Todd looked up at him reluctantly.

Before he could make any sort of further protest, Neil was pulling him by his hand again, whisking him off into the building through the kitchen's back door.

...

Neil's room is warm, was Todd's first thought once they had arrived, both of them taking off their Winter shoes and socks. It was also pretty much exactly like his own dorm, with two beds and desks and cupboards. Except one of the beds was vacant, instead of having Tommy Graye constantly sleeping in it.

Todd had crossed his arms over his chest despite it being significantly less cold in the room, because his clothes were still wet and freezing.

"I'll find you something to wear." Neil told the blonde as he was taking off his coat and putting it on the back of his chair. He didn't listen to Todd's 'no, really, it's fine', and just carried on rummaging through his closet.

"Here." He procured a flannel, and a pair of sweatpants. "Put this on."

"In here?" Todd asked nervously, self-consciousness dripping from his tone. Which, in Neil's opinion, was ridiculous. He could wear a potato sack and Neil would still think he was attractive. In fact, Todd without clothes seemed like a good idea to the other boy.

"Of course." He he raised an eyebrow amusedly, and Todd just remained as freaked out by the suggestion as ever. "I'm not going to look at you, if that's what you're afraid of." Neil chuckled.

Todd shook his head quickly. "It's not that... well... it i-is that. B-but it's okay, I'll change here." He finished his clumsy argument with himself, and noticed that Neil was just smiling at him in a humoured way, so he shut up completely.

Neil turned back to his closet to get himself something to wear, and also to give Todd privacy. He took out a long-sleeve shirt, and a pair of pyjama pants (because who cared that it was quarter passed four?) As he began to get dressed himself, he realised that the mirror on his cupboard door gave him a perfect view of Todd getting dressed. He'd already thrown his clothes into a pile, and put the sweatpants on, but Neil could still see his entire shirtless back. He got momentarily distracted at how Todd's back muscles moved, his eyes trained onto his shoulders as he leaned forward to retrieve the pre-buttoned shirt from where it was on the bed, his back arching slightly as he pulled it over his head.

Neil snapped himself out of it, deciding that he was being a little bit creepy, and focused on getting dressed. He turned around when he had his pants on, seeing that Todd had sat down on his old roommate's bed, staring out the window instead of looking at him. Neil pulled on his shirt just as Todd looked over. The blonde tried to act like he hadn't seen, letting his eyes flicker towards the other bed, but by the blush on his cheeks, Neil knew he saw him.

"Um, my clothes?" Todd questioned, gesturing to the soaked items that lay on the floor in a pile. He wasn't sure what else to do with them.

"I'll wash them on laundry day and give them to you the next time I see you." Neil explained nonchalantly, sitting down on his own sheets.

"Oh, okay." Todd nodded his head awkwardly, looking down at his hands where he pulled his sleeves down over them. He was still shivering slightly because of his hair being damp.

Neil saw that his clothes were at least a few sizes too big for Todd, which was admittedly quite cute. He was taller than him, after all. The flannel created sweater paws, which Neil's heart couldn't help but flutter at.

"C'mere." Neil prompted, patting the space next to him. "I'll warm you up."

Todd blushed and nodded, realising that Neil probably didn't understand how ambiguous that sounded. "O-okay." He stuttered, sitting down where Neil had gestured. Moments later he felt an arm wrap around his waist, and he was being brought into Neil's side.

He flushed even more, but leaned into him anyways, because damn, he was a lot warmer than Todd was. He rested his head on Neil's shoulder, and Neil's rested on his.

"I- you known, I think... no one's really ever made me as happy as-as you do." Todd admitted with a shy smile and heated cheeks that the brunette couldn't even see.

Neil hummed in response, trying to act cool despite his heart thumping. He prayed to whoever was above that Todd couldn't hear it, especially with his close proximity to Neil's chest.

"You know, Todd?" Neil asked rhetorically, feeling a hand loop around his stomach, holding onto his side. His chest tightened and he fought the urge to do something he'd regret. "You intrigue me. A lot. You're pretty damn spectacular." He wasn't sure what else to say. He was afraid that if he started listing the things he loved about Todd, he'd never be able to stop.

"You flatter me, Neil Perry." Todd said after a few breaths, voice soft and grateful. He was just so easily flattered around Neil.

"Mmm. But it's true." He remarked, tilting his head to look down at his friend. Todd stared up at him with pure adour.

"Wanna get under the blankets?" Neil asked him, gaze cast over every feature on Todd's pretty face, soaking it all in. Taking it in as if that was the last time they'd ever see each other.

"Yeah."

...

They lay facing each other, and at the beginning, Todd couldn't be stiffer. That changed when he saw Neil's demeanour.

He was so relaxed, as if two boys lying together in the same bed under the same comforter was normal. Maybe it was at Welton, but it sure as Hell wasn't acceptable at any schools Todd had been to.

Was he being weird? Making it awkward? He didn't know. If Neil was so casual about it, then he decided he should be too. He breathed out whatever air he was involuntarily holding in, and closed his eyes.

When Neil slipped his arm around his waist, he didn't feel the need to flinch. Not when it was cozy, and Neil's legs were tangling with his, and it was just so comfortable after not having slept properly in his own dorm for days. He felt himself begin to doze off.

Neil had pretty much fallen asleep too, moving closer to Todd as inconspicuously as possible. "Wish you were always here." He mumbled sleepily, not sure if Todd heard him. Either way, it was okay.

Todd did hear him, the voice stirring him from unconsciousness. The words awakened something in his chest. He tried his best to push the excitement down when he was oh so close to sleeping. He could feel his heartbeat in his stomach, somehow managing to ignore it.

Todd couldn't drift off then, not even if he tried. His brain was working at a hundred miles per minute. What did Neil mean by what he said? Was he even hearing right? He was clueless and confused because of Neil for what seemed like the millionth time since they'd met each other.

He slowly felt Neil's grip loosen, his breathing becoming slow and content. He was asleep. Or at least Todd thought he must have been.

Todd peeled his eyes open to see a soft looking Neil, one of his signature smiles still faintly on his lips. Todd sighed as he began to realise how much he truly felt for the other boy.

Was he... was he in love?

He hoped he wasn't. But that was the only word he could assign to what he felt when he was near Neil, or away from him for that matter.

He smiled when Neil smiled, and his little compliments seemed to make Todd's heart function irregularly. A knot twisted in his stomach at the oddest times for the strangest reasons around him, and he couldn't help but donate every thought in his spare time (or in classes, for that matter), to Neil. Neil understood him like no one quite did before, and his personality suited Todd's like it was tailored just for him.

He tried to sum that all up in poetry, but he soon realised that it wasn't working out... especially when Todd could write a whole novel on his hands alone.

Todd shut his eyes, breathing in and out slowly, in hopes of falling asleep like Neil. It wasn't working, not when his thoughts raced and his heart just wouldn't slow down.

He felt Neil shift closer, his arm moving so it looped over his ribs, his hand between his shoulder blades. The other hand pressed flat against Todd's chest (Todd was sure he could feel the thumping). He momentarily clenched a fist full of Todd's shirt, before releasing it.

Todd thought that it must have been a bad dream, and sighed as Neil's head moved to the crook of his neck, his cold nose pressed against Todd's now warm skin.

Todd tried his hardest not to whisper everything he loved about Neil into his messy hair. He was so close, and it'd be the perfect time to just say it all without him finding out. But Todd was never one to admit his affections, nor did he do things on a whim. He thought through everything, and he knew, even if the chance was minuscule, he could still be awake. Listening to Todd's own breathing.

He was lucky he didn't speak, because Neil was awake. He'd had a small nightmare, and stirred just moments before. He was very aware of how close he was getting to Todd, and he was doing it on purpose, that's for sure. He had the opportunity to hold the person he loved tight, and have an excuse as to why.

It was, conversely, a shame that he didn't speak up, because Neil would probably would have appreciated the sweet things he had to say.

Had he said that he loved Neil, like he was thinking of, he would've been surprised. Because Neil would have definitely said it back.

...

They'd woken up fifteen minutes before Todd's curfew, stumbling and blushing with tired smiled and rushed movements.

"Here, uh, you can take my coat." Neil offered it out to him as he was just about to leave.

"Wh-what if you need it?" Todd asked softly, refusing.

"I'll borrow someone's. Just don't worry about it. I'll see you soon, alright?" His lips spread into a smile that he seemed to reserve only for Todd. It portrayed something similar to fondness, love.

Todd smiled back, taking the coat and slipping it over his shoulders. Yeah, it smelt like Neil.

"Um, next Friday?"

Neil pondered it for a moment. "That's too far away." He pouted. "How about tomorrow?"

Todd raised his eyebrows. "I don't know..."

Neil rolled his eyes, placing a palm on his friend's shoulder. "Wait by the church again, okay?"

The fact that Neil wanted to see him so soon, so often, made him his stomach flip. "Okay. But really, I've got to go." He gestured behind his shoulder at the door.

"Fine." Neil sighed, bringing him into a gentle hug. He breathed in deeply, closing his eyes for a moment, before pulling away. "Bye, Todd."

"I'll see you."

Todd was thinking about that day when classes resumed again. He found himself zoning out a lot because of Neil before, but it was true then more than ever. They hadn't been able to meet because of termly tests. It was really bumming Todd out, because for a long while, Neil had been the only thing that was making him happy.

Sure, he got to see Chris and Ginny, his best friends, but even that was seldom because they didn't board together, and everyone was cracking down on studying.

While he was with Chris in her dorm (the door wide open, as per the school policy), she received a call on her fancy phone that her parents had somehow convinced the school to let her have.

She picked it up, her face splitting into a smile when she realised who was on the other end. "Hi, Knox." Chris had a really radiant smile, and if Todd had ever considered being with a girl, his first aspiration would be to be with Chris. Because honestly, she was one of the best people he'd ever met.

"Oh, yeah, he is... Sure. I guess I'll talk to you later, okay?" She asked, and the answer on the other end must have been really cute, because she started laughing in the adorable way she did. "Okay, okay." She looked up from where she was fiddling with the hem of her skirt. "Todd, Neil's on the phone for you."

Todd's heart leapt to his throat, and a blush immediately spread across his cheeks. "F-for me?"

"Well, he isn't here for me, that's for sure." She smiled reassuringly, passing the telephone to him. He had to shift closer because the chord wasn't very long.

She knew about his crush on Neil. It wasn't difficult to figure out, really. Not when he gushed on for minutes on end, blushed at his name, and always always smiled when he was being discussed.

"Uh, hi." He grinned at his own lap, beginning to play with the twirly red chord of the phone line.

"Hey." He heard Neil's happy voice from the other end. "I just wanted to check how you were... haven't seen you in a while."

Todd heard ribbing from the other end, mostly just a lot of 'ooh'ing.

He felt himself flush even more, rolling his eyes. "It's actually been kinda... boring. I've missed you. What about you?"

On the other end of the line, Neil was standing at the phone on the wall, Charlie leaning against the wall too, and Knox was leaning against him. Their other friends all crowded around.

Neil smiled lovingly at Todd's reply, wishing Todd was right there in front of him. "I've missed you too." He told him, twisting the chord just like Todd was doing a few kilometres away.

His friends all cooed at him, teasing.

He rolled his eyes at them, and beamed when he heard Todd's laughter on the other end.

The two boys smiled so much because of each other, that it was safe to assume they were always grinning when the other was concerned.

His friends all admired how Todd made him act. Neil was a lot happier with him around. He wanted to do a lot more things, be a lot more. He played better soccer, wrote better history essays, and okay, maybe his sciences were slacking, but for the first time in his life, he received incredible marks for English and Latin. His English teacher had attributed it to a "new muse, perhaps" jokingly, but he didn't know how right he was. Stephen, being the only one to have had a conversation with Todd besides Neil, could see honestly how their personalities matched. Neil could do with a guy like Todd to keep him from doing stupid Charlie-like things, to teach him about how beauty could be found in the lesser places (and he really had aced that teaching, learning to appreciate every curve and dip and sway of Todd's stature), and to just... make it all count. After all, he was the one that pushed Neil to audition for the play.

That's why Stephen, along with the other boys, was rather confused as to why Neil's face had shifted to a shocked expression, and then dropped to a solemn one. "You've got to be joking, right?... H-how far is it from Balincrest?... oh Jeez." He breathed out, his eyebrows furrowing. He looked like he was going to start crying pretty soon.

Worry and concern washed over his friends. What happened?

All remained silent for the the rest of the call, previous excitement and energy was replaced with a melancholy demeanour.

"I-I... alright." His eyes drifted to the floor. "I'll call you soon." His voice broke on his last word, but he somehow managed to make it seem like he was okay by clearing his throat. "Bye, Todd." He whispered into the speaker.

The phone was to his ear for longer than needed, until he finally gave up on the possibility of Todd being on the other end, waiting to tell him "sike!", and then it'd all carry on like nothing had ever happened. He hooked the phone back onto its place, the receiver making a clacking noise that seemed to echo through the silence in the hallway.

"What the Hell happened?" Charlie asked, his voice surprisingly soft as he placed a wary hand on Neil's shoulder.

"H-He's moving away." Neil supplied, visibly gulping down the building lump in his throat. "His parents said that his marks were finally good enough, and that he's moving to some prestigious all-boys boarding house that's a while away from Balincrest."

"Oh, no." Knox replied not-so eloquently. But in a way, it was, because those two words really did describe how his friends all felt in that situation.

"He can't move away!" Neil exclaimed rather pathetically. "He just can't." And that's when the first tears began to fill his eyes. He felt like such an idiot, crying in the hallway at school because of some extremely brilliant boy that had totally just fucked his entire life up in one fowl swoop.

The first person that made a move to comfort him was Charlie, who's touch on Neil's shoulder only strengthened. "How about we go to Stephen and Gerard's room?" He suggested, knowing that it was a cozy place that made Neil think of home.

Neil nodded numbly, his eyes on his shoes as he hurriedly made his way up to the shared room, not minding to look behind himself, because he could hear the brigade following him.

He immediately sat down on Stephen's bed, burying his face in his hands in an attempt not to cry.

Gerard's comforting arms wrapped around him, but at that moment he couldn't help but be the furthest thing from okay.

"I've just got so used to him being there, you know?" He asked rhetorically, looking up to see faces filled with a mixture of empathy and pity. "Its like-" he sniffed, wiping his nose on his sleeve. "If one of you left..."

"I know, I know, bud." Knox sat down on the other side of him. "You can call him still, I'm sure. That's better than nothing."

"N-no." He replied, blinking away the water that clouded his vision. "His new school is strict. We'll be able to talk monthly, apparently... if at all."

The boys were all silent, not sure of what they could contribute. Neil loved this boy... and now he wouldn't be able to call him, let alone see him face-to-face like he did so often.

"He says he's moving next semester. He won't even be able to see me before then." Tears began to fall then, leaving trails along his cheeks. "So, that's it. I won't be able to see him for God know's how long. I'm not sure what I'll do."

And sure, it was dramatic, and he was acting more like his husband was going off to war than anything, but it was kinda similar to that for Neil. Todd was the first person he'd ever loved. Adored truly with all of his heart. He'd take a bullet for that boy without a second thought, but more dangerously, he'd live for Todd. Everything he had done since he'd met Todd, was for Todd. He wasn't sure that was ever going to stop.

Todd Anderson was his life force. That too, sounded dramatic, but was also accurate. Neil was just about ready to give up on being happy, to give up on his ambitions and everything that kept him going. Todd changed that. He made Neil brave enough to do so many things he never thought he was capable of. Without Todd, he didn't know what would happen. And he didn't want to know. He hated what he was going through before he met Todd, and was not willing to relive it on any account.

"We'll make plans. We can sneak you out on weekends, or whatever, to see him." Charlie said quickly. "Just trust me, I know how much he means to you. You'll see him again."

Neil felt Gerard wipe his cheeks delicately.

"Thank you." He sniffed, really grateful for the people around him. "I hope you're right."

...

He didn't see Todd in the coming weeks, and he didn't see him during the holidays either.

The crying did last very long, but his friends did begin to notice how he began to slink into his old ways, constantly wearing hollow-point smiles, losing the energy to get out of bed every day, drawing wavering gazes, losing his politeness by the end of the day.

No matter how many times he tried to convince them that, yeah, he was okay, they didn't believe him. They only discussed that around each other, though, during their almost daily "I'm worried about Neil" conversation. No one quite knew what to do, but they did know that they wouldn't let him quit on what he'd been striving for when Todd was around. They made him rehearse his lines (even if he was lacking the spark in his eyes that he once had for acting), and made him write poetry when they could. But again, their friend seemed as broken as he was before Todd, no matter what he tried to portray.

On the exterior, Neil had always been perfect, and always would be to teachers. With too many extracurriculars, distinctions left and right, and an award-winning personality, he was on his way to dethroning any valedictorian that ever came before him.

As far as the school was concerned, the only upside to the time where he knew Todd was the up in some of his marks. To Charlie, Knox, Gerard, and Stephen, though, it was a lot more. They could speak for each other when saying that none of them wanted to see him like he was ever again. They need Todd back. Neil needed Todd back.

Eventually, Neil did actually receive one phone call, and it was on Christmas Day.

Todd had gotten his home number from Chris who had procured it from Knox. Neil was so glad that he did. It really did make his Christmas a lot less shitty.

"Hi, Perry Household, who am I speaking with?" He'd asked once he picked up the call.

"Neil? It's Todd." He replied back immediately, sounding almost relieved.

He lit up like... well, Christmas lights, and he swore that hearing Todd was a better gift than any present in the world combined. He just wished that Todd would show up under his tree...

"Oh, wow. Yeah, hi Todd. Merry Christmas." He flustered, biting down on his lip as his unoccupied hand began to pull at the collar of his festive sweater.

"Merry Christmas, Neil. I don't have much time on my end, but I just wanted to say that I miss you. Loads and loads. I hope I can talk to you properly again, because I'd love to show you some new poetry I wrote."

"Aw, I've missed you too." He felt fluttering in his stomach, and his cheeks were on their way to splitting with how wide his grin was. That was one of the only honest smiles he'd expressed in a long while. "And trust me, I'd love to hear the poetry."

Todd laughed on his end. "I'm sure you would. Listen, I've gotta go help mom with the roast, but send my best wishes to to your family, okay?"

"Okay. Goodbye, Todd."

"Mmh, bye, Neil."

That was the extent of any communication they'd had.

After that call, Neil began to re-realise how much he missed talking to Todd. With his cute voice and his soft tone. His choice of words. He wanted to hear it in person again. He wanted to see his pretty blonde hair, and his beautiful eyes, and hold his warm hand, or wrap his arms around his smaller frame.

Neil found himself adding it all to his Santa wish-list a bit too late.

As he sat at the fire that evening he found himself thinking one thing over and over again.

"What have you done to me, Todd Anderson?"

...

Neil was distracted. It was the first day of school the next day, and he'd just finished taking out a book of Walt Whitman's poems from the library. He couldn't count how many times he'd read that one poetry compilation, just because it contained 'A Song of Joys', which may or may not have been Todd's favourite poem in existence. By that point, the corners had become dog-eared, and it was worn out from being left on the bench during soccer practices.

He'd been out of it for a while, not fully aware of his surrounding or what was going on at all when it came to school. Which was a first for him, but he didn't care either way. Its not like he noticed his own distantness.

One thing he did know, however, was that he would be getting a new roommate. He was probably already in the room. After all, Neil had been in the library for a few hours too long.

He knew he was right as soon as he opened the door, because even when he was looking at his shoes, a habit he had developed since the end of the last semester, he could sense another person there.

Deciding to go the more friendly route, rather than being cold (which was unlike him anyway), he held out his hand. "I'm Neil Perry." His eyes finally trailed up the new person.

As soon as he reached the persons hands, a funny feeling bubbled in his chest. It couldn't be. He looked up into baby blue eyes, and that's when it began to dawn on him that it was real.

Todd was right there.

He moved his hand back to his side, and watched as Todd's lips tugged into a shy, almost apologetic smile. "Surprise." was all he said. Neil dropped his book, and it landed with a thud that didn't seem to faze him.

Neil was too happy to be angry, and after a second, found himself tackling the blonde into a tight hug. "Oh my God." He repeated over and over, not wanting to pull away, but at the same time he wanted to look at Todd again just to check if he wasn't hallucinating and hugging a complete stranger.

Todd held him back, head resting comfortably on his shoulder as if to confirm that it was really him. Neil still had the same scent, and gave him the same feeling when he hugged him, the feeling that no matter where they stood together, it would feel like home. He wasn't sure why he thought it'd change, but he'd been away for a while, and he was picturing Neil become different. Growing without him.

That clearly wasn't the case, especially not when Neil was clinging to him so desperately. And was he... crying?

Todd pulled away to see Neil's wet eyes, and shot him a sad smile. "I probably should have told you, huh?"

"You think?" Neil laughed breathlessly, hitting his shoulder lightly. "I was half-alive at the prospect of never seeing you again." He admitted, wiping tears away.

"Oh." Todd found himself frowning, his hands going to hold Neil's. He'd missed the way their fingers fit to together so much. "I'm sorry."

"No, no. I mean, yeah, it was the fucking worst... but I can't deny how happy you just made me." And he was totally beaming from ear to ear.

"I didn't know it'd make you this emotional." Todd tilted his head, still not accepting Neil's response. "If I knew, then I would have just told you. I feel awful."

"Todd, of course I'm emotional. But don't feel bad about it, or anything." Neil shook his head, as if it was all so obvious. It kind of was, actually.

Todd looked skeptical, but that soon melted into a pretty smile. "You were reading Walt Whitman." He observed, looking down at the book that Neil had dropped before.

"In the beginning it was just to impress you, but now I love him." Neil admitted honestly.

Todd blushed at that, raising his eyebrows. "You impress me enough without reading my favourite poetry, you know that, Neil? If your intelligence and wittiness isn't enough, it turns out that you're this plethora of talents and emotions and intricacies... and oh Lord, I'm blabbering, aren't I?" His blush spread across more of his face.

Neil just laughed lightly at him, running his thumbs along the sides of Todd's hands. He was glad that Todd liked him that much, because it made his next words a lot easier. "You don't give yourself nearly as much credit as you deserve, Todd. You put me on this pedestal, but honestly, you're the one that's been keeping me together this whole time. Without you I'm... I don't know." He paused, his eyes flickering over Todd's flattered expression, before what he was planning on doing finally sunk into his mind. Usually with stupid ideas, there was a plethora of voices in his head telling him to back out, but none of those voices were objecting to his next words. "I love you. And I mean it. I adore you, Todd Anderson."

Todd's eyes widened. "Wh-what kind o-of love?" And he was practically kicking himself for asking. Don't ruin the moment, he thought to himself.

"I thought I made it pretty obvious that I'm in love with you. The kind of love that makes my heart beat way too fast when I hear you laugh. Or my whole body light up when you hold my hand." Neil noticed that Todd wasn't pulling away, and it was giving him a twinge of hope that he could hold onto.

"Oh. Oh, wow." Todd was beginning to shake. His chest tightening. All the while, his stomach tied itself in knots, his brain hardwiring. All his heart felt was affection, and that was what his face portrayed too. "I love you too. The kind of love that makes me want to write poems about your smile. Or makes me want to kiss you right now."

Neil was speechless, for a really long moment. If you asked him what his day would be like that morning, he could've sworn that there'd be nothing this eventful. This monumental. This incredible.

He took a deep breath in, processing it all, before he allowed himself to lean in, dipping his head ever so slightly. He held Todd's chin lightly in his fingers, tilting his head up to allow their lips to meet in a soft kiss. Neil could taste the chapstick on him as they kissed, Todd's hands now pressed gently against the other boy's jersey. It was slow, and conveyed all of the feelings that they couldn't even begin to explain out loud. Everything that was ineffable was in that one sweet kiss, and they both understood that.

When they pulled away for air, Todd could see something inside Neil that was familiar to him, making his lips twitch upwards happily. A spark, a surge, a flame, perhaps. Todd wouldn't ever see him hollow again if he had anything to do with it.

It didn't take Neil long to kiss Todd again. And again. And again. The kisses began to spread to the corner of his mouth, and then to Todd's cheeks, and his nose. Pretty soon, Todd was laughing in a ridiculously cute way.

It was safe to say that both boys had never been more grateful for soccer, clouds, and rain in their lives, nor could they be more grateful for knowing anyone.

That's a sentiment that never changed, no matter how much time they spent together. They never got tired of each other, even when they shared a room. Days were spent reading to each other, Todd teaching Neil how to paint, and Neil finally singing under his breath to Todd. Nights were trying to count Todd's freckles in the dim light, and sharing sheets.

Neil never did lose his way again, and Todd never let him. They were in love. They always were.