Thranduil: *aimlessly wandering around*

Legolas: Ada what are you doing

Thranduil: Hmm? Oh, just avoiding Aradan and Raír.

Legolas: ...today's guards?

Thranduil: They are, indeed.

Legolas: *still confused* Why, now?

Thranduil: I'm so sick.

Legolas: I'm assuming you aren't talking about mortal afflictions.

Thranduil: Obviously not. Who do you think I am, Arathorn?!

Legolas: Ouch.

Thranduil: That's right. No, I'm talking about dwarves.

Legolas: That's what I thought. I was under the impression that you were finished uselessly interrogating them and they will now permanently live in the basement?

Thranduil: *sigh* I was being optimistic.

Legolas: Well, if it were me, I would go deal with it.

Thranduil: I'm getting there!

Legolas: Doesn't look like it.

Thranduil: *still standing there* Well, I am!

Legolas: Oookay then. Bye now.

Thranduil: *yelps* Where are you going?!

Legolas: I have commitments.

Thranduil: Nobody told me we were being invaded.

Legolas: What? We're being invaded?

Thranduil: *stonily* Isn't that the only reason you would ever dream of abandoning me at this difficult time?

Legolas: *sighs* Nobody was abandoning you. Stop whining!

Thranduil: FOR YOUR INFORMATION, KINGS DON'T WHINE, LOOKS LIKE ALL YOU PEASANTS WANNA DULL MY SHINE, BUT YOU'RE MISTAKEN IF YOU THINK I'M GAME--YOUR ACCUSATIONS ARE REALLY LAME!!!

Legolas: Are you rapping?!?!

Thranduil: AT LEAST WITH THESE BEATS I CAN EXPRESS MYSELF WITHOUT YOU IGNORING MY NEED OF HELP.

Legolas: Please stop.

Thranduil: Then stop being obnoxious and help!

Legolas: Fine...please just never rap again.

Thranduil: I knew that would work.

Legolas: *rolls eyes exasperatedly*

*5 min later*

Thranduil: Okay, why?

Ori: Why what?

Thranduil: Don't act stupid.

Legolas: But is he acting?

Thranduil: Shh, I'm trying to be diplomatic!

Ori: I have a question.

Thranduil: Funny, me too.

Legolas: What?

Ori: May I have a handkerchief?

Thranduil: What?

Legolas: A what?

Ori: You know. To wipe my nose.

Legolas: *blankly* To wipe your nose?

Thranduil: And here I thought your skin just absorbed it...

Legolas: What happened to diplomacy?

Thranduil: My profound apologies, I'm feeling decidedly undiplomatic.

Legolas: *sighs* Here. *throws napkin at Ori*

Ori: Thank you.

Thranduil: Thanks a lot, Legolas, now we can't reuse it!

Ori: Eww, you reuse your napkins?

Thranduil: Elves are so clean we don't even use them to begin with.

Legolas: Yes, and by reusing the unused, we can limit the carbon footprint that we imprint upon nature.

Ori: Ookay...So why have napkins in the first place?

Thranduil: They're decorative, obviously.

Legolas: Yes, they are. So, anyways, can we proceed with the--

Ori: Excuse me...

Legolas: What?!

Ori: I don't mean to be rude, but since you neglected to provide us with an effective doormat upon our arrival, I fear the dried mud and spider blood is ruining the floor.

Thranduil: How is it my fault that you emanate dirt?

Ori: *accusingly* I could have wiped it off!

Thranduil: You could have been cleaner.

Ori: I doubt you come in flawless after battle.

Thranduil: Funny, that's what it looks like in the mirror.

Ori: Well, at least I don't--

Legolas: Stop, guys, stop!

Thranduil: That's right, I'm really making an effort here. So, tell me, why are you here?

Ori: The meaning of life is difficult to say...

Thranduil: *rolls eyes* No, dwarf, why are you personally in my forest, ruining the view?

Ori: Well, if you hadn't captured us, we'd probably be gone by now...

Thranduil: That is completely unrelated. And you're right, the floor is a disaster.

Ori: If you're talking about related topics, that certainly isn't.

Thranduil: Luckily the floor made of diamonds so nothing can ruin it.

Legolas: What?! No it isn't!

Thranduil: Okay, it has diamonds in it.

Legolas: No...

Thranduil: Legolas! Fine, the floor is basically made of diamonds since I walk on it!

Legolas: As you may know, we've mysteriously been lacking in diamonds. Hence this conversation.

Thranduil: Correct.

Legolas: What?

Thranduil: Don't make me say it again.

Legolas: Oh, Valar, I'm right about something.

Thranduil: Don't push it. So, back to the question. Why did you decide to crash my forest, ruin my party, and scar our eyes with your looks?

Legolas: Ada!

Thranduil: Looks like my diplomatic mood is fading.

Ori: Well, essentially, we lost the path.

Legolas: I'm surprised, you're not repeating redundant statements like everyone else.

Thranduil: I suppose everyone else thought that was implied.

Ori: It should be implied! Why did you think we were here, to have tea and a chat?!

Legolas: You are now. Minus the tea.

Thranduil: But why come here to begin with?

Ori: Because we--

Thranduil: Don't say it!

Ori: We were--

Legolas: Let me guess...

Thranduil: Because you were starving. *slow clap*

Legolas: Surprise!

Ori: Well, we were. There's no point in lying.

Thranduil: Is it a point that everyone else was lying or that lying has a point?

Ori: Sorry, what?

Thranduil: Never mind, probably both.

Legolas: What but lying doesn't have a point

Thranduil: Sometimes it does!

Legolas: Do tell, my King.

Thranduil: What if you're trying to be nice and not insult someone every time you see them?

Legolas: That's not lying! That's trying to be nice!

Thranduil: Or you could be honest and tell them that they look terrible.

Legolas: How does that help anyone?

Thranduil: Well, sometimes true friends are brutally honest instead of meekly untruthful.

Ori: But we aren't friends!

Thranduil: In that case, you're just honest to be brutal.

Legolas: Huzzah, diplomacy.

Thranduil: Oh, stop it, honesty is always the best policy. I'm saying you shouldn't lie to your friends to make them feel better.

Legolas: So it doesn't matter with enemies?

Thranduil: *pleasantly* No, not really.

Legolas: I will keep that in mind.

Ori: But the ground--

Legolas: Ground what?

Thranduil: Ground pepper? I think we're running out of that, actually, maybe we should order--

Ori: No, what did you say about the floor?

Thranduil: Did you just interrupt me? Legolas, did he just--

Legolas: He has a point, didn't you say the floor was made of diamonds and it wasn't?

Thranduil: Wait, why is everyone interrupting me?!

Legolas: *annoyed* You keep going off topic!

Thranduil: What does that even mean?! I am the topic!

Ori: *laughs*

Thranduil: *whirls around* Why are you laughing?!

Ori: The topic is floors. Are you a floor?

Thranduil: The topic switched to diamonds. I am a diamond.

Legolas: Nooo...

Thranduil: Stop lying!

Legolas: I'm not lying. I'm not even being honest. It's a fact.

Thranduil: Oh. Well, I wasn't lying either, I was using a figure of speech.

Legolas: A figure of speech?

Thranduil: Yes, a metaphor. The floor is as diamonds from my steps which do tread on it.

Ori: That was very poetic.

Thranduil: Yes, it was rather, wasn't it?

Legolas: Wait is this conversation accomplishing anything?

Ori: No.

Thranduil: Yes!

Legolas: Ok what

Thranduil: We learned that dwarves are all the same, we had a talk about morals and we discussed the fact that I should order more ground pepper as I've just remembered we're running low.

Ori: Like I said, no accomplishments. Can I leave now?

Legolas: Yes.

Thranduil: No!

Ori: What? Why?

Thranduil: We aren't done. You haven't helped me at all.

Ori: But have any of us?

Legolas: That's the wisest thing I've heard you say this entire time.

Ori: Is that a compliment?

Thranduil: It could be, if you don't mind that everything else you've said is stupid.

Ori: Oh.

Legolas: That's one way to put it.

Thranduil: Well. I was just thinking--I wonder who is going to take back Erebor?

Ori: We were going to!

Thranduil: Yes, but going never did, did he?

Ori: Thanks for the reminder...

Legolas: There, there--at least here you don't have a high risk of mortal danger!

Ori: We don't have anything else, either.

Thranduil: Never mind that. They say the poor are happier than the dead.

Legolas: They say that?

Thranduil: No, but you can't be happy when you're dead. Which you probably will be if you try and fight Smaug.

Ori: But Thorin is very depressed without his gold!

Thranduil: That sounds like a personal problem.

Legolas: Maybe he needs a therapist.

Ori: That's probably a good idea.

Thranduil: Well, it's not as if I don't know you all still talk to each other in prison, so tell him that he's in correctional therapy for a while.

Ori: Isn't this the opposite of therapy?

Thranduil: What, imprisonment?

Legolas: No, of course not. I'm sure in a few hundred years everyone will reform their ways.

Thranduil: I doubt it, actually. Anyways, it's almost time for my dinner party.

Legolas: What dinner party?

Thranduil: The one we're inviting the entire kingdom to in order to make up for Thorin and Company's rude interlude.

Ori: That wasn't--

Thranduil: Yes, yes, we've heard. I think we're done now, I don't foresee any grand disclosure of information. Bye now.

Legolas: Finally. Give my best to everyone.

Ori: *sarcastically* Well that's nice.

Thranduil: Yes, it is. Legolas, what a kind prince you are.

Legolas: I do try.

Thranduil: This meeting has finished, guards!

Guards: Yes, sire. *drag Ori away*

Legolas: I can't believe this disastrous interrogation schedule is finally over! Maybe I'll have some free time.

Thranduil: I hope so, then you can help me to plan the Feast of Starlight.

Legolas: YEEEEES

Thranduil: Don't get too excited now.

Legolas: Sorry.

Thranduil: Elbereth, I'm exhausted. Maybe I'll take a nap.

Legolas: Have fun. Now that this is over, I'll see you later.

Thranduil: Cheers!