Legolas: Do you like, need anything or something?

Thranduil: I need you to stop saying "like" and use good grammar, thanks.

Legolas: *scowls* I was trying to be nice, I was sorry I made you do two interrogations today.

Thranduil: Was? Oh, dear me, don't let's be disagreeable, hmm?

Legolas: *tiredly* Shall I call them in now, then?

Thranduil: May as well.

*5 min later*

Thranduil: *snickers* Nice hair.

Nori: It's an art.

Thranduil: Painting is an art. Your hair is a disaster.

Legolas: Or a fossilised starfish.

Nori: Alright, you yellow mongrel, what do you want with me.

Thanduil: Do... not... speak... to... me... like... that... ever... again....*struts up to him* Is...that...clear?

Legolas: Nice job.

Nori: Nice attitude.

Thranduil: *sighs* I knew you were trouble when you walked in!

Legolas: Isn't that a song?

Thranduil: Yes, about this insolent wretch. *looks annoyed* So, do you have any information other than you showed up with Gandalf, who left, you were hungry, Thorin used all his arrows trying to hit a stag which would have resulted in his immediate execution, you ran into some spiders, and "because we were starving"?

Nori: *pleasantly* No, not really.

Thranduil: Great. I would love to kick you out right now but the guards are on supper break.

Legolas: It's that late already!? Heavens, Ada, just go get some more guards!

Thranduil: That requires me physically leaving the room, something I certainly won't do as this one is a known thief.

Legolas: Oh, right, Gloín mentioned that.

Thranduil: There you have it.

Legolas: But I have my gold embossed bow with me! And what about your crown?

Thranduil: I'd like to see him try. Besides, I'm wearing it. No dwarf in his right mind could even reach my crown.

Legolas: True. Well, Nori--that is what they call you, right?

Nori: I suppose.

Thranduil: Elrond mentioned in his last letter "a dwarf with starfish hair"

Legolas: *chokes* His name could be Elfin.

Thranduil: Star-hair? *snorts* Well, it is quite literal.

Nori: *grunts angrily* Don't insult my style!

Legolas: Nice style, Elfin.

Nori: Don't speak your horrid language to me!

Legolas: Oh, apologies. *makes a bunch of incoherent noises*

Thranduil: Legolas, what in Arda are you doing?

Legolas: Sorry, I was attempting to speak Dwarvish.

Thranduil: Sounds about right.

Nori: Oh, Mahal.

Legolas: Don't you "Oh, Mahal" me! You know he's actually one of the Valar.

Nori: I'm going to ignore you.

Thranduil: Well, that's nice. Since it looks like we'll be here awhile--hold on.

Legolas: Please don't leave me here!

Thranduil: *indignant* I'm not! There are some vegetable sticks here somewhere. *pulls ornate plate of carrot and celery sticks out of bookshelf* Anybody want some?

Nori: I hate vegetables.

Thranduil: Good, I wasn't really planning on giving you any anyways.

Legolas: Sure, thanks. Wait, why do you have a fork and knife?

Thranduil: To cut them.

Legolas: *looks at Nori* Them?!?

Thranduil: That's a thought. No, the vegetables, silly.

Legolas: I was under the impression that carrot sticks were served in that manner for convenience?

Thranduil: Never mind. *delicately cuts vegetable sticks*

Nori: *eyes the plate* Nice silverware.

Thranduil: It's mithríl, actually. 24 karat gold interlay, titanium carbon blade. It is rather nice.

Nori: *looks greedily at fork* Can I see it?

Thranduil: I'm not sure you can see anything, actually, or you would see that I'm obviously using them. So, no. Not to mention they're very expensive.

Nori: Fine. Don't let me see them. But it's beautiful metalwork, gorgeous. Obviously very fine craft.

Thranduil: *smiles* Bless your little stone heart, is that appreciation I hear? And no, you still can't see my fork.

Nori: Wouldn't expect it from you.

Thranduil: What's that supposed to mean?!

Legolas: Someone's cross.

Nori: Well, you aren't exactly overly jolly company.

Thranduil: I'm sorry you feel that way, Elfin.

Nori: Stop calling me that! I hate elves and I'm not elfin!

Legolas: No, I dare say you aren't. Nice beard, it's like a mirror image of your hair.

Nori: Oh, thanks.

Thranduil: You aren't welcome. It's hideous.

Nori: Thanks anyways. I'm sure that anything you think is pretty is actually pretty ugly.

Legolas: *in fake deep voice* Oh, Elvenking, can I see your fork? I just love the metalwork! It's so lovely! Ahh!!

Thranduil: *laughs*

Nori: The rare exception, I'm afraid.

Thranduil: Me too.

Nori: You what?

Thranduil: I'm also a rare exception. Or, anyways, I should be. But I'm also afraid.

Nori: *laughs* A sneaking coward in his underground lair, as mentioned.

Thranduil: *coldly* I'm afraid...that you're devastatingly wrong. We're just better and you can't handle it.

Nori: Ha! That's what you think! Well here's what I think. *kicks over fancy lamp*

Thranduil: *jumps out of his throne* WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

Legolas: *runs up to Nori* YOU PUNK!

Nori: Oh oops that was an accident.

Thranduil: Sure it was. *trips him*

Nori: AUGHH

Legolas: *laughs*

Thranduil: Oh, I'm terribly sorry. That was an accident as well, you know.

Nori: *glares* *grabs an ink bottle from a desk*

Thranduil: Oh no no no you don't, give me that.

Nori: *drops it* Oops, sorry, that was an accident.

Thranduil: *chains him to the floor*

Legolas: Since when do you have chain hooks on the floor?

Thranduil: Since the Second Age. I was trying to keep them pristine forever but looks like they'll have to be eternally marred by the flesh of this imbecile.

Nori: Let me go!

Thranduil: Hmm, Legolas, should we let him go? Oh yes, I would love to have more of my stuff wrecked. Yay, let's just let out all the criminals! Huzzah!

Legolas: Which means no, Ri. See what I did there, No-Ri, like Nori, but no, because it's like saying no to Nori, but--

Thranduil: *sarcastically* Yes, Legolas, it's so much funnier when you explain it.

Nori: Please let me up, let's be friends.

Legolas: *rolls eyes* What a two face. "I love your stuff! I hate your stuff! I hate elves! Let's be friends!" Shut up.

Thranduil: Yes, just stop. I've had enough of your criminal activities for my whole existence.

Nori: *struggling* I'm not a criminal!

Legolas: Not a criminal? Oh, so you didn't trespass on unauthorised lands and didn't just break a bunch of stuff? My bad, must've imagined it.

Nori: *dips finger in spilled ink* *writes all over the floor*

Thranduil: Now what!? Shall your insatiable urge to deface private property be rampant while even you are chained!

Legolas: *looking over Nori's shoulder* It says, "I hate elves"

Thranduil: We've heard. Now mop the floor.

Legolas: How is he supposed to--

Thranduil: Mop it. Just do it, dwarf. You break it, you buy it.

Legolas: Here then, use this cloth. *throws random cloth at him*

Nori: *innocently* I need water and soap.

Thranduil: Legolas, go get it.

Legolas: Make me get it! Isn't supper over? Where is everyone!

Thranduil: Why did I have to have such a drama queen for a son. Just find an accursed cup of water, for Eru's sake!

Legolas: *leaves* *runs in 3 seconds later*

Thranduil: And the new record is set by Legolas for fastest time there and back again!

Legolas: *pours water on the floor* Okay, mop it.

Nori: Geez, it's like I'm a prisoner. And who would think elves would have such awful personalities!

Thranduil: If you hadn't been such an obnoxious stoat, we wouldn't have to treat you like one. And you are a prisoner, in case that's unclear. So scrub.

Nori. *mops up all the water* There, done.

Thranduil: You missed a spot.

Nori: *throws inky rag at Thranduil* Just die already.

Legolas: *gasps* What a pointless thing to say! Poor little dwarves, made in Aulë's basement because he was bored. Well excuse me, but we're immortal. So we can just sit here and watch you age. Do you want fries with that?

Thranduil: *chokes* That was just...

Legolas: What?

Thranduil: That's my son! And there's some more carrots, want any?

Legolas: I suppose. Let's do something else, I'm sick of this.

Thranduil: Like what? Pin the tail on the Nori? A piñata? Musical Thrones? No, but really, let's have a party!

Legolas: Oh, sure. Just us three, a cozy gathering. The theme can be "Criminals Wanted" and we can write invitations to each other in menacing red ink.

Nori: I'm in!

Thranduil: You aren't even invited.

Nori: But Legolas said--

Legolas: You're the party favours. And you know how much fun those are to give away!

Nori: *scowls*

Thranduil: Oh, Elbereth, it is getting much too late for this. I think I'm getting a migraine. Elves don't even get migraines!

Legolas: I'm not surprised.

Nori: Well, I'm--

*doors burst open*

*guards run in*

Guard: Forgive us, my lord. We finished as rapidly as we may.

Thranduil: Well, thank you for coming before I dragged this sorry scoundrel all the way back to the First Age!

Guards: Right away, sir. *unchain Nori*

Thranduil: Thank you ever so much. Now, if you please, I'd like to take a hot bath.

Legolas: Good idea.

Nori: That would be nice!

Thranduil: For the hundredth time, NOT YOU!! Go sleep on a rock and cry about your life!

Guards: *laugh* *close doors*

Thranduil: Okay, I'm never doing that again.