Thranduil: *throws cape onto throne* Well, I'm back.

Maeron: I will inform your son, sire.

Thranduil: Oh, no need for that. I'm sure that--

*doors burst open*

Legolas: Do you have any idea what I've been through??

Thranduil: ...oh, my.

Legolas: *annoyed* I tried to teach calming techniques to that one dwarf and....

Thranduil: *mildly* I told you you couldn't reason with them.

Legolas: Well, I won't try that again at any rate.

Thranduil: What else did I miss?

Legolas: Oh, nothing. Just me crying in a corner.

Thranduil: *concerned* Really?

Legolas: Almost, okay? Almost.

Thranduil: Well, Arwen says Elrond's doing fine, if you were wondering.

Legolas: *crossly* When is he not doing fine??

Thranduil: Would you be fine if your only daughter hooks up with some mortal man-of-the-mountains? That's why I think she said he was at the Healing River Resort and Spa for the weekend?

Legolas: Oh, yeah, I remember when Elladan told me about Arwen and Aragorn!

Thranduil: Poor Elrond. That's like if you had a thing with some girl from Rohan or something.

Legolas: ...ew. Why would I do that?

Thranduil: Who knows. I would disown you, of course....Kids these days...

Legolas: *rolls eyes* Well, that's not happening. Anyway, here's your schedule. *hands him scroll*

Thranduil: *eyes widen as he reads* TWO?? Legolas, I can't interrogate two dwarves in one day! I'll disintegrate!

Legolas: *grins* But then you'll get it over with more quickly!

Thranduil: *doubtfully* I suppose...

Legolas: *satisfied* Bring him in, Maeron.

Maeron: *bows, opens doors*

Dori: *walks in interestedly* ...and the supporting arches...Just beautiful!

Thranduil: Admiring the architecture, are we?

Dori: I must admit, the craftsmanship is superb.

Legolas: Finally, a dwarf who appreciates it.

Thranduil: *amused* I agree. Well, we're off to a good start so far. Legolas, you didn't tell me they progressively got more civilized.

Legolas: *irritated* They don't. It was luck of the draw.

Dori: Well, I don't suppose we can get started? It's getting dark out.

Legolas: How would you know? We're underground!

Dori: Dwarves, you see, we have internal clocks. Helps keep the time when we're mining for gold, deep in our mines.

Thranduil: Great. Fab. I don't care, we get started when I want, not when you want.

Dori: Fine. There's no need to panic.

Thranduil: Nobody's panicking. I'm honestly just at the end of my tether with you lot.

Dori: Funny, I actually haven't done anything.

Legolas: Don't you start, dwarf. The King must suffer two of you today and he is in no mood to banter.

Dori: Very well, I will shut my mouth, but what do you want?

Thranduil: Just tell me one thing and you'll go free. Perhaps you'll be wiser than your famed "leader" and you'll tell me exactly why the reason was you decided to disrupt my party and threaten my people.

Dori: We don't decide to crash your little soirée!

Legolas: Right, so you unconsciously walked into our party, unconsciously

waved around a sword while unconsciously yelling and unconsciously demanded food?

Dori: Well, not unconsciously, but it wasn't a choice.

Thranduil: Ohh, so you were hypnotized into it?

Dori: *forced smile* No, my king, we knew we must follow our leader.

Thranduil: Were you aware of the situation?

Dori: We were hungry and delusional, alright? Do you really expect us to have rational thoughts after being lost in a large and emotionally traumatizing forest, being attacked by spiders, and furthermore, being unconditionally expected to survive all of it without food?

Thranduil: Well, at least youre admitting youre delusional. And you don't have to take it out on us. We did help with the spiders, you know.

Dori: Something tells me you wanted them out of your forest and honestly didn't care what happened to us.

Thranduil: You can't prove that!

Dori: *scowls* I'm trying to be polite as your Eminence deserves but I'm not going to last much longer.

Thranduil: It's thoughtful of you to try, as that's more than anyone else has attempted.

Dori: Since I doubt you'll just let me go with no strings attached, maybe I should just stop trying?

Legolas: Don't push it.

Dori: To elaborate, all this little get-together has taught me is why we don't like you in the first place.

Thranduil: *narrows eyes* Have I done anything to displease you? As I recall, I provided...comfortable beds...Ah, yes, you're definitely not starving now...plenty of water...and even wine on Saturdays! What in Arda does everyone keep complaining about?!

Dori: A cage made of gold is still a cage.

Thranduil: Psh, who needs golden cages when you're here with me!

Dori: At least the golden cage would be owned by someone else...

Thranduil: I happen to be a fantastic person.

Legolas: *coughs*

Thranduil: Can I help you, Legolas?

Legolas: No, sorry, there was something in my throat.

Thranduil: A likely story! Honestly, at least my own son could support my fabulousness!

Dori: ...you can't support a lost cause

Thranduil: EXCUSE ME??!

Legolas: Now you've done it!

Dori: *with difficulty* I apologise. But I still hate elves.

Thranduil: Well, fine. I never liked you anyway.

Dori: Huh, really.

Thranduil: You know what, some people are just so hard to be nice to!

Legolas: Everyone calm down

Thranduil: I am calm, thank you. I am making an official statement, that's all. So, dwarf, are you going to answer my question or shall you be tossed back into my amazing dungeon?

Dori: I already answered your question!

Thranduil: No you didn't.

Dori: Yes I did.

Thranduil: No you didn't! All you said was the same thing as everyone else!

Dori: THAT'S BECAUSE IT'S TRUE YOU DAWDLING DOORMOUSE!!

Thranduil: WHAT DID YOU SAY????

Legolas: A Balrog of Morgoth!

Thranduil: *furious* Stop it, Legolas! WHAT DID YOU SAY??

Legolas: *whispers* A Balrog of Morgoth...

Dori: You heard me and I'm not sorry.

Thranduil: WHAT?? Legolas, shut up.

Legolas: Leave, now, and never come back!

Dori: GOOD I THINK I WILL

Legolas: I wasn't talking to you.

Thranduil: What did you say?

Legolas: A Balrog of Morgoth.

Dori: What??

Thranduil: Wait I was talking to that item over there.

Dori: What item? Wait, you talk to objects?

Thranduil: It's apparently part of the job requirement.

Dori: No offence but that's really weird. Are you schizophrenic?

Thranduil: How is that weird? And of course not, are you?

Legolas: It's because you're the object, Dwarf.

Dori: Now I'm an object?

Thranduil: Well, you didn't magically evolve as soon as I talked to you, so you've always been an object, yes.

Legolas: Technically an object is a nonliving thing.

Thranduil: Technically an object doesn't have a brain.

Dori: What the ale! I have a brain.

Thranduil: Really, I couldn't tell, because usually people with brains don't call THE KING OF MIRKWOOD a dawdling DOORMOUSE.

Dori: Fine, okay. Fine. Here's the truth. I enjoy your architecture and appreciate your taste in wine but honestly you're a belligerent, obnoxious, arrogant king who really I don't like. Although, I was trying.

Thranduil: Well, that was abrupt. Anyway, I don't really care what you say since everyone knows I'm FABULOUS! *twirls around*

Dori: Okay.

Thranduil: At least he appreciates wine, huh Legolas? A good break from the traditional dwarfish ales which taste dirty and look vulgar because they are vulgar and dirty.

Legolas: I guess. I suppose one sip of Dorwinion would knock him out flat.

Dori: I doubt it.

Thranduil: I don't.

Legolas: *sighs* Well, this is pretty much over.

Thranduil: Thank Eru.

Dori: Ugh, honestly. It was a joy.

Thranduil: *sarcastically* Oh, yes. Now shoo!

Dori: *stalks out*