*Bilbo, walking back towards the Shire after the battle*

Bilbo: Oh, Mirkwood. Ha. They have good bread. 

Thranduil: *pops out of a bush* WHAT DID YOU SAY? 

Bilbo: *screams* Hey, aren't you that Elvenking? 

Thranduil: No. I am THE Elvenking. 

Bilbo: Yes, alright, can I help you?

Thranduil: I'm offended by how you're talking about my bread!

Bilbo: Excuse me? 

Thranduil: You said it in an offensive way!

Bilbo: Said what? 

Thranduil: *in high pitched voice* Haaa, they have good breeeead!

Bilbo: Isn't that supposed to be a compliment? And I didn't say it like that.

Thanduil: Yeah I love robbery, it's better than people saying I have nice hair. 

Bilbo: You have nice hair? 

Thranduil: Why is there any doubt? 

Bilbo: I'm sorry, I just don't know why people would say that. 

Thranduil: Isn't it obvious? My hair is flawless. Flaw...less. No flaws. Not one. 

Bilbo: Okay but people usually don't tell others that. You know, randomly. 

Thranduil: They do to me. 

Bilbo: Right then. I'm just going to be going now...*slowly walks away*

Thranduil: No, you aren't. 

Bilbo: Dear me, is that the time? I guess I just--

Thranduil: I have nice bread, you say? 

Bilbo: Yes, it's great, especially with that one cheese from Rohan I--wait what?

Thranduil: Valar, I knew it. Thief! You petty thief!

Bilbo: What can I say, I'm a burglar. 

Thranduil: I cannot believe you could steal my food and my beverages and--wait. You didn't have any wine did you? *narrows eyes suspiciously*

Bilbo: What, the 1342 Dorwinion? No, haha. But Galion did. *bursts out laughing* 

Thranduil: I know, trust me. I sentenced him to death. 

Bilbo: Wha--why? He had a drink!

Thranduil: He consumed my wine!

Bilbo: You're the worst. 

Thranduil: You're so dumb! That was a joke! Haha, laugh at me! I'm funny! I'm the jolly old forest king!

Bilbo: You have problems. 

Thranduil: I do not!

Bilbo: Yep, you do. No, I did not have wine, and no, you're not funny. 

Thranduil: Stop lying. 

Bilbo: Okay, I'm not a thief and a liar. 

Thranduil: At least Legolas isn't. 

Bilbo: I'm so confused when did we start talking about your weird son? 

Thranduil: He's not weird! You're weird! 

Bilbo: What is the point of this conversation? 

Thranduil: You caused a lot of unrest between my beloved son and myself. 

Legolas: *walking up behind Thranduil* WHAT? 

Thranduil: Oh, hi Legolas. I said "I hate my son, he's the worst."

Legolas: *rolls eyes* Great. Who is this?

Thranduil: Some guy. 

Bilbo: Hello, I'm Bilbo, nice to--

Thranduil: --steal your food!

Bilbo: Um...

Legolas: Who stole the food? 

Thranduil: Bilbo, apparently. 

Bilbo: I said you had good bread!

Thranduil: Which implies you had some. 

Bilbo: Yes, but--

Thranduil: *pointedly* I didn't give you any. 

Bilbo: Indirectly, yes, you did. 

Thranduil: Noooo...

Legolas: I'm sorry, when was this?

Thranduil: Remember when your bread went missing?

Legolas: I'm confused.

Bilbo: So once, the King of Mirkwood had a son named Legolas who enjoyed carbohydrates and left some out on a counter for innocent burglars to swipe. The end.

Thranduil: Legolas may be my son, but he's not me, unfortunately, so I suppose we can convict him instead for giving you bread. And what in Arda is an innocent burglar? Those things don't exist.

Legolas: Hey! This is completely unfair! It's not my fault he stole it. 

Thranduil: If you hadn't tried to eat that bread, Bilbo wouldn't have taken it!

Legolas: I guess I'll just starve next time, I'm so sorry. 

Thranduil: Apology accepted. 

Legolas: Oh, and I do not enjoy carbohydrates!

Bilbo: People who eat bread usually do. 

Legolas: But...okay, I like carbs. Sue me. 

Thranduil: You don't get this figure by sitting around eating baguettes!

Legolas: Well, apparently you do because I literally just eat bread all day and yesterday I got letter from Elf Fitness and they want to do a cover shoot. 

Thranduil: What?! 

Legolas: I have your genetics, what can I do? Now hush, we're trying to do a joint interrogation over here. 

Thranduil: That's the spirit. So, anyways.

Bilbo: *looking around awkwardly*

Thranduil: As it turns out, Legolas was apparently not trying to feed the raccoons.

Legolas: We don't even have raccoons in this part of Middle Earth, Ada. 

Thranduil: I was referring to Bilbo.

Bilbo: I'm a raccoon now?!

Thranduil: *ignores them* LEGOLAS WAS APPARENTLY NOT TRYING TO FEED THE RACCOONS. So I suppose it's not his fault. But it's not mine, either. 

Bilbo: I'm confused, how is it anyone's fault? I was hungry. I'm sorry I ate your bread. 

Thranduil: I'm glad you liked eating your stolen treasure. 

Bilbo: Bread is treasure? Who likes carbs now!? 

Thranduil: I'm trying to use figurative language! Stop being so judgmental!

Bilbo: You're the one who's so judgmental! 

Legolas: True, haha. 

Thranduil: I'm sick of you both. Go back your grass house, you hibbet. 

Bilbo: It's hobbit. With an O. 

Thranduil: I don't care, honestly. 

Legolas: *suddenly remembering* Oh, did you eat my salad, too? 

Bilbo: The one with radishes?

Legolas: I put radishes in it?

Bilbo: I mean, what salad?

Legolas: Oh, I think I did put radishes in it. That was a while ago, sorry, I don't really remember. I eat a lot of salad. 

Thranduil: And here I thought you eat bread literally every day, as you recently stated.

Legolas: Not all bread. Just mostly bread. 

Bilbo: *in a small voice* That salad was good, too.

Thranduil: Really?!  Is there any food left in the palace? 

Legolas: I certainly hope so, since this happened, like, a year ago.

Thranduil: Oh, right. Forgot. I should arrest you, speaking of which. 

Legolas: What did I do now?!

Thranduil: Not you! Not yet, anyways.

Bilbo: You can't arrest me! I won everything!

Thranduil: I'm sorry, I wasn't aware we were gambling?

Bilbo: If I hadn't stolen your food, I wouldn't have lived, so I wouldn't have been able to free the dwarves, so Smaug would probably have burned up everything. Even you.

Thranduil: Diamonds don't burn. *hair flip*

Legolas: Fake ones do. 

Thranduil: What was that now? 

Legolas: Ha, nothing.

Thranduil: Oh, which brings me to my next charge: you let out some top security prisoners!

Bilbo: But then I wouldn't have been able to give you the Arkenstone because everyone would still be in jail.

Thranduil: Your argument is pointless because I gave the Arkenstone back, remember?

Bilbo: Oh, true. Well, if I hadn't let the dwarves out, I wouldn't have given you the pearl necklace from the First Age.

Thranduil: What pearl necklace from the First Age?

Bilbo: This one! *pulls out intricate pearl necklace*

Thranduil: EEEEEEEEEEE

Legolas: *claps hands over ears* ADA stop making that noise!

Thranduil: EEEEEEEEEEE

Legolas: ADA

Thranduil: EEEEEEEEEEE

Bilbo: *grimaces* Please stop. *hands him necklace*

Thranduil: EEEEEEEEEEE

Legolas: Fine I'm leaving, bye. Have fun with your bling.

Thranduil: Wait! I'll stop.

Legolas: Thank you!!

Thranduil: I love this necklace so much do you know that the elves of the Falas were super into pearls and they are so cool and it's like the light of the moon and Valinor and the ocean yaaaaa--

Legolas: The correct words are "thank you"...

Thranduil: Thank you for saying that for me. I appreciate the gesture, little hibbet!

Bilbo: Hobbit. 

Thranduil: It's a bad habit. *laughs* See what I did there! Habit! Like Hibbet and Hobbit--

Bilbo: Do you want money for your bad puns??

Thranduil: Yes, actually.

Bilbo: Haha, no. 

Legolas: This is a disaster.

Bilbo: Can I leave now?! 

Thranduil: After you apologise.

Bilbo: I did. 

Thranduil: No, you didn't.

Bilbo: I gave you a necklace.

Thranduil: Yes, and I did actually say thank you, but you didn't actually apologise.

Legolas: You actually didn't  say thank you, I did.

Thranduil: *waves hand* Technicalities.

Bilbo: Fine! Fine. I'm so very sorry I ate your food.

Thranduil: Good, we're off to a promising start. 

Bilbo: Are we not on the same page? Because I've finished.

Thranduil: Of course you haven't. Now list your offences.

Bilbo: Am I on trial now?

Thranduil: *thoughtfully* You could be, actually. Legolas, what do you think about a trial? Is that too messy?

Bilbo: Kidding. I was kidding. This is definitely much worse than a trial.

Thranduil: Oh, good, that's what I thought. Go on, then.

Bilbo: Err...I apologise for offences including but not limited to...eating bread...eating salad...eating cheese...letting out the dwarves...eavesdropping...being invisible...walking...breathing...

Thranduil: Go on...

Bilbo:...living....stealing...talking...I've run out of offences to list.

Thranduil: Make some up.

Legolas: That literally makes no sense.

Thranduil: No, actually, it does. You...broke my silver goblet! Remember?

Bilbo: Hmm, no, actually. 

Legolas: Silver is malleable.

Thranduil: Thank you, Father Durin, for your relevant comments.

Legolas: I'm serious! It's hard to break metal, you usually just dent it. So if Bilbo ruined your goblet, he probably just severely dented it.

Bilbo: I didn't, though, remember?

Legolas: *thoughtfully* Or he could have melted it down. That's often the most preferred method of destroying works of metal.

Thranduil: Clearly, if I wanted a silversmith, I wouldn't talk to you.

Legolas: I am good at forging, okay?

Thranduil: Yeah, my signature!

Legolas: That was once.

Thranduil: That's what they all say.

Legolas: Is that why you started using your signet ring again?

Thranduil: I've never not used my signet ring! It's a family heirloom.

Legolas: So? I can still use it. I mean, I think  we're related.

Thranduil: You've used my signet ring?

Legolas: You take it off at night, so, yep.

Thranduil: You scamp! Who do you think you are, the prince or something?

Legolas: Yes, actually. If you don't want me to use it, just don't take it off!

Thranduil: I have to! Last time I slept with it on I had the Royal Seal of Greenwood the Great imprinted on my face the following morning.

Legolas: That is hilarious, why didn't you show me?

Thranduil: It's not something to brag about. Just stop forging my signature!

Legolas: I don't! I just like using your ring, it's fun!

Thranduil: Fun? How is it fun?

Legolas: I can make cool wax patterns on parchment and then give it to random people.

Thranduil: Why would you even do that? That is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.

Legolas: There you go being judgmental again.

Thranduil: It's true. Do you borrow my other jewels, too?

Legolas: What does that even mean?

Thranduil: Like my ruby brooch, do you just take it to pin your curtains or something?

Bilbo: Why does this even matter?

Thranduil: SHHH.

Legolas: That's a good idea, why didn't I think of that?

Thranduil: NO.

Legolas: I'm kidding. I already have a ruby curtain pin that's actually for curtains.

Thranduil: Did you forge that, too?

Legolas: You can forge gems now?

Thranduil: Fëanor did, sort of.

Legolas: Whooooa there, we need to not talk about him.

Bilbo: I'm sorry, who is this?

Thranduil: Never mind, he's just a piece of burning trash from the First Age.

Bilbo: Is all of this necessary?

Thranduil: I'm trying to get to the bottom of this!

Legolas: And you don't even have a wine goblet in your hand.

Thranduil: Ha, you're hilarious. And I don't, actually, because Bilbo broke it!

Bilbo: NO, I DIDN'T!

Thranduil: We're pretending, remember? Don't ruin it.

Bilbo: *tired sigh*

Legolas: Even if Bilbo did break it, you have like thirty others.

Thranduil: 35.

Bilbo: You have 35 cups? Who needs that many cups??

Thranduil: I DO, SON.

Legolas: I'm your son.

Thranduil: I know, congratulations.

Bilbo: Right then I'm SORRY I STOLE your FOOD now GOODBYE!

Thranduil: Thanks for the necklace!

Bilbo: Oh, I can actually leave now? And no problem. Let me know next time you want some bling and I'll dig up another dragon. 

Thranduil: I'm pretty sure Smaug was just sitting there.

Bilbo: Whatever. It's been nice arguing with you.

Thranduil: It was a lively discussion. 

Bilbo: That's what they all say. 

Thranduil: Are you stealing my lines?

Legolas: I might steal your adamant ring with the little gold flowers on it.

Thranduil: No, you won't. 

Legolas: True, I don't wear rings.

Thranduil: Why not? You could be so cool. Like me.

Legolas: I'd rather be hot, thank you.

Bilbo: Wow, salty. 

Thranduil: Kids these days.

Bilbo: Thanks for not arresting me.

Thranduil: I guess. Next time you want food, can you just ask? Would that kill you?

Bilbo: I usually have food, so I don't think you should be concerned.

Thranduil: Oh, good.

Bilbo: It's been great. Cheers. *walks down the path*

Thranduil: Well, that was eventful. At least now I know I'm not going crazy.

Legolas: You're not?

Thranduil: Shut up. You know what I mean.

Legolas: Varda, that entire company was a mess.

Thranduil: Well, I suppose at least now we know what actually happens when Thorin and his companions show up in Mirkwood.

*turns around and walks back into the forest with Legolas*

Thranduil: *distantly* You know, I really do like this necklace...