It might sound weird, but please don't comment on this book or vote on it, because literally everything in my life is connected and seen by my parents so I will get an email, and then because they know all my logins and sh*t, they can and most likely will look at what it was/for and then will read this book/chapter and I'll be screwed and probably get in trouble.

Hey so I need to rant, and my friend isn't answering, so I'm going to rant here if that's alright.

So to start off, I'm out to my family about being Pan but they don't know that I'm genderfluid and go by They/Them/Their pronouns, or that my chosen name is Lenox.

My parents claim that they are really accepting and sh*t, and with somethings they are, but others...it feels like they are pretending that they are. My dad jokes about everything and I asked my mom about it and she said it's just his way of handling things, so I said okay, right?

Well, my gramma gave us (my brothers and me) our birthday presents which was a card and a $50 amazon gift card. I was happy because I could finally get a pride flag (or two). My amazon account is attached to my dads so every time that I purchase something it goes to him for approval. So I bought some earrings that I liked, a set of pride flags (rainbow and pan) and then a set of They/Them pronoun pins. I didn't know how he would react to the pins or the flags but I hoped for the best. I was standing next to him while he was going through the email to approve my purchases. I was hoping that he would just approve them because I told him, "its just some earrings, a pride flag, and some pins" I said pride flag because that might be something that he'd somewhat be okay with. Anyway I was hoping he would just approve it and I wouldn't have to worry or come up with some excuse. Luck wasn't on my side, so he looked at the first item which happend to be the pins. He looked at it for less then a second and then said 'F**K NO! NO WAY IN HELL!' so I freaked out and quickly thought of an excuse. I said "My friends birthday is coming up and they go by They/Them pronouns and this is a birthday present for them" He was skeptical but he just exited the page without approving it or anything, and I felt my heart sink. Then he looked at the earrings and said we needed to talk to my mom (because I have a silver allergy) so we went to my mom and we discussed the earrings I ended getting them because my mom said it was my money so I could. Then he went to the pride flags and we discussed that, which was sooooo much fun *note the sarcasm* he brought it up and said that he didn't want "that sh*t in his house" I didn't really acknowledged it and tried to convince my mom, because if i convince her, then I could get it. My argument was that this was the only time I'd have money and access to buy a pride flag. so they soon agreed, but note without my dad talking again, he said "you can have it...but it stays in your room. It does not go out in the living room. and I'm sure as hell not going to hang it on our flag pole" I said I didn't even dream of putting it on the flagpole. So then it came back to the pins, so I had to give my excuse once again saying it was for friend. My brother almost outed me though. He was in there with us for some unknown reason, and when my parents finally agreed I cheered and said "I'm so happy" then my brother went "Your happy? I thought this was for your friends?" So I quickly corrected my self. I was super happy that I could get. I'll post pictures when they come. Then, I had extra money on my card and my brother wanted something that cost more the $50 so I gave it to him saying it was a birthday gift. He then came into my room later giving it back to me while saying "Dad said you should keep it" while my dad said from a different room "yeah, your going to be kicked out anyway, might as well use it for yourself while you still can" he said it in a joking voice, but it still hit me deep. And this is not the first time he has joked like this. Before after I cut my hair shorter I specifically remember my dad saying 'that he won't have a dyk* as a daughter, and that if I'm going to date a girl, I'm going to be the girl in the relationship' it really hurt, especially because instead of saying it in a joking tone, his tone was serious and I got hurt because that is first time I've ever been called that, and by my dad no less. 

Another thing is I think my parents are slightly trans-phobic. Because, for one thing, anytime that I brings up They/They/Theirs pronouns, they start acting like I just said that I worship Satan and want to sacrifice my brother and turn the house into a sanctuary. They go F***K NO! or NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS, or one time before I changed my pronouns but was questioning it slightly, I joked and said, "you know what, I think I want to go by They/Them pronouns now." The mood in the car did a full 180 and my mom just said "I'll never call you with They/Them pronouns" and then we got into an argument about the singular use of the words They/Them. Then awhile ago like 4-6 years ago (before I knew anything about LGBT+ or Trans or anything like that because I was very young like maybe 7-8) when Target was starting to let trans people use the bathroom of their preferred gender (i'm assuming) I remember going to Target with my parents and using the bathroom but my parents stopped me and said "you need to be careful, there might be some bad and scary people in the bathroom. So you need to be super careful." I asked then 'what scary people?' and they said something along the lines of 'they are boys pretending to be girls' and I didn't understand at the time, so I just said okay and that I would be careful about them. I remember going into the bathroom after that, and slowly walking in looking around for the "bad people". Now that I think back to it, I'm pretty sure they were talking about trans people. And knowing my parents, they read articles about bathrooms and trans people. And knowing them they probably only heard about/read the stories about boys dressed up as girls to sexually harass people. (I felt so bad writing the previous sentence, because I hate sounding like I think some trans people are fake, because it is insensitive and I don't want to invalidate people)

That was my Ted Talk, thank you for reading. Anygay, thanks for listening to my rant. I'm so so sorry if this made anyone feel uncomfortable or bring back bad memories. I did not do this pity. It's just I defiantly can't talk to my parents, the friend that I would usually talk to isn't answering, and the only other people I would trust enough to talk to, are my ex, my best friend who lives on the otherside of the country, or my other good friend who is 'as straight as a ruler'.