A/N: This chapter deals a bit with Blaire taking medication to help her depression and anxiety. I know there are some people who don't like the idea of medication, but these are medications that I myself have taken, and my experiences with them. I find my medications are my life savers so please be respectful in the comments.
Also there may be some confusion when it comes to Blaires flashbacks with her father. These flashbacks are supposed to be suppressed memories of how her father actually treated her versus how she thought he did in the beginning of the story. Its meant to slowly unfold the actual relationship Blaire had with her father Sorry for any confusion! Anyways this chapter also has a BIG Killian and Blaire moment so enjoy that I've been planning it for forever. XD Also sorry this chapter skips a bit all over the place it WAS meant to be filler before the Christmas/New years chapter so...yeah lol.


𝓘 𝓰𝓸𝓽𝓽𝓪 𝓴𝓷𝓸𝔀 𝓽𝓸𝓷𝓲𝓰𝓱𝓽
𝓘𝓯 𝔂𝓸𝓾'𝓻𝓮 𝓪𝓵𝓸𝓷𝓮 𝓽𝓸𝓷𝓲𝓰𝓱𝓽
𝓒𝓪𝓷'𝓽 𝓼𝓽𝓸𝓹 𝓽𝓱𝓲𝓼 𝓯𝓮𝓮𝓵𝓲𝓷𝓰
𝓒𝓪𝓷'𝓽 𝓼𝓽𝓸𝓹 𝓽𝓱𝓲𝓼 𝓯𝓲𝓻𝓮

"So Blaire, anything new?" Archie asked me to break the awkward silence in the room. I'd opened up here and there over my last couple appointments but I was still hesitant on some things.
I kissed my history teacher and then ruined his marriage, possibly his life by telling him his wife was cheating on him. I've also been watching my back because said wife is a total wackadoodle and might try to kill me.

"I'm getting a cat." I said instead.
"Oh how nice! You know animals are used in therapy a lot. They are great assets for coping with things that set us off."
"Like service animals?" I asked. "Its only a cat."
"A cat can still offer the emotional support you need. It gives you something to love and take care of, and they love and take care of you in return. It sounds silly but things you may not want to get off your chest with a person you may talk about with your cat."
"Sounds awfully crazy for a shrink." I smirked. Knowing full well I had a full on one sided conversation with Wilby about Killian last night.

Archie just chuckled and shook his head.
"You'll see what I mean trust me. I think getting a cat is going to be great for you." Archie said. "Is this your first pet?"
"Well unless you count Wilby who is Emmas.. Yes." I nodded. "My Dad never let me have animals. Not even a stupid goldfish. I always imagined my first pet would come after my mother and I harassing him long enough but this..is different. This is better I think." I said.
"It certainly sounds so." Archie nodded. "You seem happier than you were last time, more comfortable."

"I am. I think I'm finally adjusting to life here. Theres been some curveballs." History teacher sized curve balls. "But I'm learning to hit them head on. I think." I shrugged.
"Excellent. Any anxiety attacks lately?"
"Yeah.. bad ones." I nodded. "Its hard for me to sleep at night I wake up with them sometimes."
"Have you thought about a course of treatment? Medication or otherwise?"
"I think I'd like to start something for my panic attacks. Medication. Something that wont make me a complete zombie but.. You know help?"

"Of course, I think I can help with that." Archie nodded and smiled. "Now all anxiety medication has an adjustment period, you may feel groggy or not quite yourself for a couple weeks if it goes longer than that it will need to be adjusted but I can start you on two, one is for depression and one is for panic and anxiety. They need each other to work properly. I'll start you on 25 Milligrams of Zoloft once a day and 5 milligrams of Buspar twice a day, but it can go up to three if needed. Does that sound okay?"
"I think so.." I nodded. "Can I call you if I don't feel right?"
"Of course." Archie smiled. "Day or night, you have my cell. I always like to keep contact on the clock or not. These medications can make you feel a little strange at first but I think after a couple weeks you'll notice a big change." Archie said. "A Good change." He added.
"I'd like that." I nodded.

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"Can't I just bring them all home?" I asked as I looked at all the cats in kennels at the shelter. "They all look so sad."
"If I had a big enough house I'd think about it." David winked. "Are you wanting a kitten, or an older cat?"
"I kind of want a kitten.. I mean I want more time with it." I shrugged.
"Fair enough." David smiled. "The kittens are all on the other side over there."
I turned around and walked over to the kennels with the kittens looking for the one that I knew was mine. One small calico kitten with two different colored eyes practically strut over to the front of the kennel to me. I looked up at the info sheet.
"Its a boy, Male Calico's are rare." I said and crouched down. The kitten put his paws on the kennel and mewed at me.
"Bowie." I said.
"What?" David asked.
"His name. Its going to be Bowie." I smiled. "This is the one."
"Alright I'll go get someone to help us." David smiled and walked away.

It wasn't long before he came back with an employee who opened the kennel and picked out the kitten and held him out to me.
"Wanna hold him?" She asked. I nodded and took the kitten holding him in my arms he leaned in and licked my nose.
"Yeah, you're coming home with me." I smiled at him.

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A few days later, Bowie had settled in nicely to his new home, and was even starting to try and play with Wilby. Mary-Maragret and I were at Dark Star Pharmacy picking up my medications. I was a little nervous starting these but I knew I needed to try something to feel some level of peace.
"The pharmacist says you can start these today. You go back to school tomorrow so if you want to wait until tomorrow that is fine." Mary-Maragret said.
"I'll start them today so I can see how they do before I go to school. So I know how I function you know?" I said.
"I understand. Well, we can get some lunch if you want and then you can take the once a day and the first dose of the other." Mary-Margaret smiled. "What sounds good for food?"
"A bacon cheeseburger sounds good and onion rings.."
"Granny's it is." Mary-Margaret chuckled.

While we sat at Granny's eating I wondered why I didn't hang out with Mary-Maragret more often. She was nice and all. I felt like I spent more time with David because he looked just like my dad but acted how I wished my dad would have acted. The bell on the door jingled and I looked up at Killian walking in. He looked rough like maybe he hadn't been sleeping much, possibly drinking. He looked up at me and the second those lonely blue eyes hit me I looked back at my food. Not to fall for them again. I could feel him still looking at me.
"I have to go to the bathroom." I said and got up and hurried to the bathroom.

I waited there for eternity; it felt like before Mary-Maragret came in.
"Blaire what are you doing?" She asked.
"Sorry.. I got panicky and didn't know what to do." I said.
"Oh honey don't apologize I was just worried, I asked for a to go box for you so we can go home if you'd like."
"I'd like that." I nodded.

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Archie warned me that the meds might mess with me for the first couple days but I didn't expect to wake up feeling so groggy the next day. Standing up and walking felt like I was walking through mud. My energy just felt zapped.
I dragged myself down stairs, staying in my pjs.
"Blaire, you okay?" David asked
"Just tired...I know I shouldn't, but..can I stay home today? This medication has me kinda dragged down I think. I don't think I'd be very functional at school and-"
David stopped me and I thought he was going to say no but he nodded.
"Of course you can stay home, you don't feel 100% You don't need to explain it all its okay Blaire." David smiled reassuringly.
"Oh..Okay, well Thank you." I said. walked into the pantry to get Bowie's food to feed him before I sat down to eat breakfast myself.

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Flashback Blaire 13

"Looks like you're home today kiddo." Mom frowned as she pulled the thermometer out of my mouth to read the temp.
"She looks fine to me Jack.." Dad sighed. "She can't lay up in bed all day. She's got a big match tonight."
"James she has the flu!" Mom groaned.
"She looks fine." Dad shrugged.
"Well she's not and so help me if you take her out of this house tonight James..." Mom hissed and stormed past him to get ready for work.
"Dad can you get me my medicine? its in the kitchen.." I groaned and rolled over in bed feeling miserable.
"Don't worry we'll get you back in shape before your match tonight." Dad winked at me. I didn't care about the match. I just wanted to lay here and continue to die.

I should have begged my mother to stay home, I thought as I practically hugged the punching bag to keep myself upright.
"Come on Blaire, you're doing great. Don't give up." Dad said.
"I feel like I'm dying dad. Can we just forget the match tonight? Please I'm sick."
"Here drink this." Dad sighed and handed me a protein shake.
I sighed heavily and started drinking it silently wishing it was a bottle of nyquil.
"You know mom is going to be pissed." I said.
"I can handle your mother, we've been training for this for weeks. Watch your mouth." I sat down wiping the sweat that was waterfalling off my forehead it seemed.
"Come on Blaire, you aren't a quitter." Dad said. I cringed. I hated. Absolutely hated that word and he knew it. Nothing motivated me more than telling me I was a quitter.
"No. I'm not." I said and threw the towel down and stood up with shaking legs and went back to the punching bag.

By the time the match came my fever had really spiked. I could barely see straight. I swung once and ended up on the ring floor. The bell ringing and my dads voice sounded so far away.
"Come on Blaire, wake up." I heard Dad say, he actually sounded worried this time. I felt my lips curl into a smile before I passed out.

When I came too I was in a hospital bed. My mom was sitting on the bed smiling at me.
"Hey Bean." She said. "How ya feeling?"
"Like I was hit in the head with a hammer." I mumbled. "Did I lose?" I smirked.
Mom chuckled.
"Remind me to kill your father later. I'm just glad you are okay." She sighed. "Why didn't you just tell him no Blaire?"
I felt hot tears roll out of my eyes.
"I didn't want to be a quitter." I choked out.
I looked over at my dad who actually looked like he felt terrible.
"Be right back Bean, get some more rest." Mom said and got up and walked to my dad. I closed my eyes pretending to go back to sleep.
"I get it, you didn't want her James but you're going to end up killing my daughter." Mom hissed.
"I thought she was fine Jack she looked fine until the Match."
"You knew damn well she wasn't and you manipulated her to get what YOU wanted. As always." Mom spat and I heard her leave the room completely.

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Most of my day I spent in bed resting or playing with Bowie. Archie was right, so far Bowie had totally helped with my anxiety and depression. The meds were a bit wonky but he told me that would happen to start so I wasn't too worried.

My phone pinged beside me and I figured it was David just checking in on me so i picked it up. I looked down at the name and blinked a couple of times making sure I was seeing it right.

KJ:
I'm sorry if I've made you uncomfortable to the point you don't want to come to school. Please come tomorrow. Are..you okay?

I was confused. Was he not mad at me?

Me:
Its not that... I'm fine I just started some new medications for anxiety and they're messing with me a bit is all. I'm fine, just confused...

KJ:
Why are you confused?

Me:
After our last conversation? I figured you never wanted to speak to me again.

KJ:
I was angry, and I'm sorry I took it out on you. I'm not mad at you...if anything you actually did me a huge favor.

I sighed in relief. Glad that he wasn't mad at me.

KJ:
You missed my first lecture on Arthurian Legend. I'll email you the key points later with the assignment. At your own pace Nolan. I know how those medications can affect the brain.

Me:
Okay, See you tomorrow Jones.

KJ:
See you tomorrow.

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Weeks later, First day of winter break.

My meds had adjusted to my system just fine and I thought I was doing pretty good with them. I had my days but for the most part I was feeling good. School had been easier to get through every day, the only thing that troubled me was that even though Killian and I were on good terms, something felt off. It was almost as if he realized what we were doing was a mistake and backed off. Our relationship was back at the Mr. Jones/Miss Nolan phase and I hated it.

I laid in bed listening to my radio trying to get my mind on other things but it seemed like every song that came on was a sappy love song. I sighed and turned off the radio and grabbed my phone and put my spotify on shuffle.

"You gotta be shitting me.." I groaned at the first song that started playing. I normally loved this song, and Def Leppard but tonight?

Out of touch, out of reach yeah
You could try to get closer to me
I'm in love, I'm in deep, yeah
Hypnotized, I'm shakin' to my knees.

I got up and walked to my window and looked out, Killian's lights were on at his house. 

Don't do it Blaire.. Don't. Do it.
"Fuck it." I sighed. David was working late and surely I'd be back home before he got home. I grabbed my beanie and threw it on and my jacket too. I walked down stairs and slipped my shoes on.
"Where are you off to?" Mary-Maragret asked.
"Oh, Uh Wendy asked me to come over so I'm going over."
"Oh, Okay! Well have fun." She smiled.
"I will." I nodded. "See you later." I said as I walked out the door.

If there was ever a thing I shouldn't have been doing, it was even thinking about walking to Killian's house and telling him how I felt. Of all the dumb things I'd done in my life up to this point. This took the cake. He's my teacher, he's older than me by at least 8 years, and he's married. His marriage may have been practically over but..he was still married.

Yet...my feet kept moving in the direction of Killian's house. I shouldn't even know where he lives. I shouldn't know that he has an abandoned art studio in his basement, or a record collection I was extremely envious of in his attic. I shouldn't know that he's alone tonight because he kicked Milah out while he got his stuff ready and an apartment lined up. I shouldn't know him, not on this level...Yet...I do.
Every little thing about this situation was wrong, but how could something so wrong, feel this right.
Okay Blaire, that's getting a little cliche don't you think?

I shivered as I turned on to Mifflin street. His street. It was oddly quiet. My converse crunching in the snow that was lightly dusting the tar on the street was the only sound. I looked over my shoulder, making sure I wasn't being watched or followed. The last thing I wanted was Killian to lose his job on top of everything else he was dealing with.

So turn around, and go the hell home Blaire. Just cut ties before you get in too deep. I tried to tell myself like I wasn't already in way too deep. Killian and I had danced around these feelings for way too long. Every secret smile we'd share in class, every playful text, or email we'd send. The multiple times we almost kissed...and the one time we did and the horrible fight that happened afterwards, played over and over in my mind with each step closer I took to his house. I could see his Silver and black 68 Chevelle SS in the driveway from here. I knew his bike was in the garage until winter was over with, and I knew it had a green tarp over it to protect it from whatever. Again little details I had no business knowing.

I walked up the walkway, His motion sensor security lights didn't kick on, did he expect me? Surely not, not after our last conversation. I stepped onto the porch, only then truly questioning my sanity.
Walk away Blaire. He'll never know either way if you don't tell him you were here.
I reached out and knocked on the door.
Or you know...don't.
I heard Captain barking from what sounded like the back hallway as he raced Killian to the door.
"Captain, easy boy, its probably the pizza." I heard Killian say.
Not quite. Hope you got extra cheese though.
The lock clicked on the door and the door pulled open and a chocolate lab poked his head out the door. He looked at me and his body wiggled with excitement.
"Sorry, He really likes Piz-" Killian stopped and looked at me. "You.. are not the pizza guy." He said.
"Captain, inside." He added the dog whined but retreated behind the door. Killian turned back to me.
"So... Hi." I said and bit my lip.

"Blaire..." He sighed. "Blaire you really should not be here."
"Then tell me to leave." I shrugged. Killian stared at me, for what felt like forever. I couldn't tell if he was thinking of calling the police or not. Though..David was working late tonight, so that would be quite the interesting twist to our tale.
"If you want me to go just tel-"

Before I could even get the sentence out, Killian's arm was snaked around my waist and I was pulled so close to him so fast it almost knocked the wind out of me. His lips crashed into mine and my fingers found their home tangled in his dark locks. He pulled back just enough to be able to speak.
"I don't want you to go Blaire. Not tonight." He said softly. His lips brushed against mine as they spoke. I could hear the hurt in his tone my lips tingled from the spiced rum on his. I pulled back further to look at him. His eyes were sad and lonely.
"Okay." I whispered to him and stood on my toes to press my forehead to his.

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I laid on the couch curled into Killian, I couldn't believe what we had just done, and I couldn't believe how different it felt than my time with Keith. I actually felt wanted this time and pleasantly numb, this man knew what he was doing for sure.
"You okay?" Killian asked and kissed my forehead.
"I'm great actually.. For the first time in... I don't know when." I said and sighed happily.
"Good. Me too." Killian admitted. "Stay with me tonight?"
"Sure let me text David that I'm staying at Wendy's so he doesn't freak." I nodded and picked up my phone off the coffee table and sent the text.
"You aren't changing your mind now...are you?" I asked.
"Oh.. No no You aren't getting rid of me that easily Nolan." Killian's lips curved into a smirk against my neck.
"Good." I smiled.
"We will have to maintain a professional relationship at school of course, but outside of school, you're all mine." Killian grinned.
"And you're mine, so don't you forget it Jones." I said and snuggled into his chest where I stayed for the rest of the night.