Escalante.

After I had calmed down, Carlo took me back to the cabin and throughout our journey, I kept apologizing. Why was I apologizing, you ask? Well, I just had this really bad feeling things weren't going to go the way I wanted it to. Carlo locked the door then turned to me, his eyes slowly narrowing as they stared at me.

"What's going on, Es?"

That was a question I didn't want to answer. For so many reasons but the scariest was losing Carlo. I could lie, I told myself, but if I did, and Carlo found out I did, then the situation would be worse. Taking a step back from him, I fell on my bed and gaped up at him. I didn't want to lose him.

"Es. Please say something." His cold tone softened a little and that shone a little light of hope on me.

Exhaling, I prepared to tell Carlo everything that went on in the gym. I ran a hand over my face and sighed. "Carlo, I'm a pervert."

"You've got to come up with something better than that Es. I kinda knew that before."

"No. Not the type that sits and think of perverted thoughts. I'm the kind that takes action." I confessed, watching at his expression twist to that of confusion. "I stalk them for a while, flirt with them so they know I am totally into them then when I can't wait anymore I..."

"You what, Es?"

"I give them a blow job or a hand job then ask them if I could have sex with them." I rushed on, hoping he doesn't hear everything because I was getting scared by the baffled expression he was giving me.

Carlo didn't say anything after that and that scared me shitless. I couldn't lose him after finally getting him. No. But I knew no matter how long I begged him to forgive me, the fact that I've assaulted people would still be in his head. I wanted to scream how much I loved him but I knew that wouldn't work. What if it scared him? Would he start thinking I would assault him?

My eyes widened in realization and I looked back at Carlo to see him looking as pale as death. Moving up from my bed, I wanted to tell him how much I loved him and wouldn't dare to even think of such a thing but every step I took closer to him, he just moved back. And soon he had his back against the wall, staring up at me with watery eyes that made my heart sink so deeper, I was looking for it.

"Carlo, I didn't mean to r-"

"You raped them. You knew very well that you were raping them." His gaze hardening and I felt my inside slowly dying away.

"I did not. I made my advances very clear and I always gave them the chance to run." That was true. The steps were easy. Find a gullible person, stalk said person, flirt with said person, kiss said person even if they don't want it, lock said person in the locker room or supply closet, touch them, give them the chance to run and if they didn't, screw them. They steps were always easy.

"You shouldn't have." Carlo looked away from me, pushing me aside to get passed me to the door.

My heart beat quickened and I felt like I was falling into another epic panic attack. I gripped my hair and tugged on it as I screamed for Carlo to stop. "Carlo, I'm so so sorry. I didn't see it as rape. I just thought I was having fun with them."

"But you hurt people, Es. Why can't you see that?" He turned to shout back at me and that froze me solid. Carlo was never the one to shout at someone and now that he did it to me, I suddenly felt numb. He kept shouting about how I couldn't see how wrong I was and how the person I had hurt might be going through issues I might not know of.

Then it struck me. I was an Asshole; I knew that. I was a pervert; I need an award for that but a rapist? I wasn't a rapist? Sure I might have touched them at regions that interested me but abuse them? That was just stupid. I heard the word 'rape' word from him again and instead of my initial fear, I got angry instead.

"I didn't abuse them." I said, finally finding myself and stopping my panic from coming back up. I covered up the space between the Carlo and I and returned the glare. "Half of them wanted it and the others that didn't told me to stop and I did."

"And you think that is good?" he frowned at me.

"Well, it is something I'm no longer proud of. You see, whatever Preston did to me at that motel made me remember how much I loved you. It was like it made me hit reality and now I see everyone for who they are and not how they looked." I took a step away from him and folded my arms over my chest, "You should be proud of me." I added, smirking.

Carlo stared at me for what felt like an hour before he scoffed and copied my pose, "I should be proud? I should be proud that my boyfriend was whore and took people for advantage. How am I supposed to trust you, Es? Why do I have this weird feeling that you're going to abuse me someday?"

"But I love you Carlo. I could never do that to you."

"And I'm supposed to just trust you? Just because you love me?" He looked at me as if I was the most unbelievable person and I rose a brow at him.

"Last time I checked, that was how the package comes."

"How am I sure you aren't gonna try to abuse me? In fact, why haven't you? Why haven't you done it to me since I've always been with for as long as I can remember?"

"Maybe it's because I didn't want to." I said with a grunt, putting my weight on my other leg as I tried to make him understand. "I could have if I wanted but what would that get me? it wouldn't get you to love me. I go for people that even though might be a little resistive at first, eventually fall through-"

"There is no difference between Preston and you. You both did things against the other person's wishes."

"How dare you!" My nose flared in anger. He was comparing me to Preston? Of all the assholes in the world Preston? I wanted to hit something because I was getting angry and Carlo wasn't seeing reason.

Sure, it wasn't a good thing I did. It wasn't like I was going to do it again? I had Carlo now so it didn't matter. All I have ever wanted was him and now, feeling him slip away from me wasn't just making me scared but unbelievable angry.

"Why would you compare me to him? He wasn't going to give me the choice? He was completely mental and he was going to rape me. I never abused any one of them. I let them go. They always came back. Why don't you understand that?"

Carlo massaged his temples, giving me a once over before scoffing and turning back to the door. "I'm gone Es."

"Y-you're gone? What's t-that supposed to mean?"

He sighed, opening the door and walking out. "We are taking a break, Escalante. I need to think this over."

I rushed after him and caught his arm before he could let go of my door. "Please tell me we are not breaking up." I desperately needed to know we weren't because I knew I won't be able to live with myself if we did.

Carlo twisted his wrist out of me grasped and gave me a look that said he was disappointed in me. Actually disappointment was an understatement and I felt really bad.

He shook his head and said, "I'm just gonna go." When he said that, I couldn't find it in me to call him back because what was I going to say? I told him how much I loved him but yet he still left.

Closing the door behind me, I slid to the floor with my back against the door and rose my knee to my chest, prepared to cry on it. It's been a while since I cried; four times to the exact.

First was when I was born, second was my rejection by Carlo, third was when Carlo had told me he loved me like a joke and fourth time was almost being sexually abused all because I wanted my first time to be with Carlo. This now was my fifth because it hurt just to think all what I've been doing to get my mind off Carlo was going to hurt Carlo at the end.

I should have just remained the helpless gay boy in desperate need of my best friend's attention. I should have just told him I loved him earlier.

But I was scared. I didn't want to lose him even if I couldn't get him as a boyfriend. I would rather die than have that. And now, it was happening. Carlo was going to hate me and knowing that he does wasn't just going to hurt me, it was going to destroy me.

I loved Carlo so much. Why couldn't he see that?

Someone knocked on my door after a while and I was so ready to bounce up and welcome Carlo back but it was Alex so I sulked harder.

"Escalante, are you in?"

"Vete." I didn't want to hear his voice especially since he didn't write Preston's name on the list of people that abused him.

"Sorry. I'm as Canadian as they come so French is the only language I managed to learn except English." He chuckled and all I wanted to do was strangle him with his own tongue.

"Go away."

Alex stayed quiet and I took it meant he had gone so I went back to silently hating myself for hurting Carlo when all I wanted to show him was love.

"MK was mad that I didn't write in Preston's name." He said so quietly, I wouldn't have heard him if I wasn't leaned against the door. His voice came from behind me so I could only guess he was sitting the way I was.

Frowning, I rested my head on the door and asked, "Why didn't you?"

"Because I'm stupid." He sighed and explained, "I didn't want him to go to jail again."

My brows creased in confusion. Jail again? "What do you mean by that?"

"This may sound weird, but Preston's family and mine are pretty close. His mum worked for my dad, you see and I only found out after the gang thing. I told my dad about it, his mum lost her job and Preston went to jail.

"Preston's dad died in an accident a few years in just before Preston came back. The family was a ruin because Preston's dad had a lot to pay and his mum couldn't get a job. Then she came back crawling to my dad and he let her work for him again. But now, Preston and his sister lives with me and my brothers."

"Why is he living with you? What happened to his mum?"

"She's um– hospitalized. She got into a coma this year. Honestly, I didn't mean to tell you his story but I want to you have some pity on him. He's an asshole, I know that, but he's that asshole with a twisted past.

"Something, I don't know, happened to him and I don't know if it was when he was in Jail or before I knew him. He doesn't sleep with the lights off unless he had someone person he trusts in the room. He hates being around men and I've seen his scars. Only the people he trusts gets to see them. He never talks about them. Ever. Every time I bring it up, he becomes unbelievably sarcastic."

My eyes widened, remembering the scars I had seen running up his thighs and around his waist and the story he had told me about his ex-boyfriend. I felt sorry for him again because that boyfriend didn't love him. What he did to Preston wasn't love and now he'd made Preston misinterpret love as pain, turning him into a masochist. Another thing that surprised me was that Preston never told Alex about Dylan. Did he really love me?

"Once camp's over, my dad's taking him to rehab. Please don't get mad at me and please try to forgive him. I know it's hard to do something like that but please. For my sake."

If there was anything Christianity taught me very well, it was forgive and forget and honestly, that was one of the hardest right after fornication. Especially when you were almost raped. However, I was in need of some forgiving so I thought it fair if I did the same.

Raking my hand through my hair, I lifted myself up and opened the door to see Alex standing and giving me a shy smile. I smiled back for the sake of being polite and he exhaled in relief.

"Thank you. Oh and I saw Carlo storm by. Is everything-"

"One dude at a time bro." I said and he chuckled, cupping his chin so he could play with the hair there.

"Got it." He smiled then added, "So, Jacob won and Dave's rewarding him with a cake he baked and chicken fried rice. Wanna join?"

I bit my lip before asking, "Is Carlo-"

"Like I said, 'stormed out angrily.' " He eyed me warily then said, "But I'm not gonna ask because as you said, 'one dude at a time.' "

If I was feeling awful before, I definitely wasn't now. Alex was such a darling and he always tried to show how much he cared. Seeing him be this nice to me made me what to go up to Preston and punch him which was, sadly, opposite of what Alex asked for. Grumbling under my breath, I closed my door behind me then smiled at Alex.

"Thanks for being a friend, man. Things would have been a lot different without you."

Alex grinned, throwing his hands over my shoulder. "Then you better thank Preston because I wouldn't have come if not for him." He laughed, ruffling my hair and making me frown but I did nothing to get his hand off because I loved the attention. What can I say, I love attention.

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A/n
     I got frustrated just writing this chapter. I hated writing the R-word because I didn't want to make the chapter private and didn't want you sexy readers to cringe while reading.
     Forgive me if it all came out poorly.

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