Okay so I normally stay pretty positive but I wanted to say somethings that might get a bit sad so, I'm sorry. I just wanna say it. Just get some shit off my chest I guess.

So here goes. Time to get yeemo

________

I don't know what to say anymore.

I guess I thought I could trust you.

I thought I could trust your judgment.

I thought that you wouldn't make stupid decisions and do stupid things.

I thought you could control things.

You told me you could control things.

I let you take over.

I allowed every inch of my mind and body to be at your will.

To be in your hands.

But now I can see how you are destroying me.

I see it in the lies I tell my friends.

I see it in the decreasing number on the scale.

Strange how something I always wanted is suddenly bringing fear to me, isn't it?

Do you find it amusing? How easily I gave into you?

Do you find it funny? To take advantage of me when I'm weakest? When my mind is at its worse? When I'm willing for anything, anything, to not be this.

I wish I wasn't me.

I wish that I could've been born different.

Not with a different life. Not with different passions.

I just wish I was a lot of things I'm not.

Sometimes I wish I was a boy.

Sometimes I wish I cared more.

I just wish I was beautiful.

I wish I was better.

I wrote a list once. A list of all the things I hate about myself.

This is what I wrote on it:

I'm not as smart as my sister

I'm not thin

I'm not pretty

I eat too much

My lack motivation

My face

My smile

I'm annoying

I'm too loud

My writing

My drawing

I can't sleep

My personality

My fat legs

My arms

My hands

My neck

My chest

My stomach

My waist

Those are all the things I hate about myself.

And I realized something disgusting about that list.

I could build a whole new person just out of all the things I hate.

And you.

The voice.

My reflection.

You.

You are the last thing giving me control.

You are the last thing giving me the power to erase the things I hate.

You are the last thing that can fix me.

So I give up.

I'll listen.

I'll play your games.

I'll skip that meal.

I'll avoid that person.

I'll stay with that one.

I'll ignore him.

I'll talk with her.

I'll wear my mask.

Your mask.

I'll do everything you tell me.

Just tell me one thing.

When can I be pretty?

Please.

When will I be something that I'm proud of?

When will I know who I am?

When will I know what I want?

When will I understand why I want it?

When will I finally feel okay?

Never mind.. That was more then one question.

I'll listen. I'll obey.

I swear I won't step out of line ever again.

I am yours now. Your body to shape and form.

I give up. You're all I have.

Maybe I should give you a name. Something to call you by, so I have a way to get you back now that I realize I need you.

How about..

Anorexia?

Does that work fine?

But before I go, I want to thank you for what you're doing.

Thanks for breaking me. Thanks for fixing me.

Thanks Anna. Really, thank you.

I always wanted this.

I always wanted this..

I always wanted this...

Will somebody please help me escape this