Once I had finished dwelling on the adversities of life, I peered down at my phone that was vibrating. It was Niall.. I felt my heart begin to palpitate against my chest as I stared down at his flashing name on my phone.  I couldn't answer, I couldn't face speaking with him.

I tentatively pushed the phone further away, watching it as Niall's name teasingly flashed on the screen as though attempting to tantalise me. After a minute or so, it rung out.. much to my relief, but almost immediately began to ring again.

I groaned and ran a hand through my hair as I internally debated what to do. How could I tell Niall I just ran? Like a coward. I allowed them to disdain me and didn't even stand up for myself.

I stood up and decided a distraction was what I needed. I pulled out my notepads and began writing again, adding notes in one of the notepads as I carried out my dilatory task.

I enjoy writing stories, a lot. I do it to keep me sane, really. I know in reality, I will never be a successful selling author, but the act of writing makes me feel euphoric. I might feel despondent when I sit down at my desk, but by the time I am finished, I no longer feel that way, ever.

Just as I was halfway through writing a deep paragraph, depicting the adversities some people are subdued to on a daily, which others are oblivious to, the doorbell rang. It caused me to jump in my seat.

I took a stance and closed my notepads before walking down the hallway and opening the door. It was inevitable who was standing behind the door. Why does he care so much?

"Niall, what are you-" I was cut off by him just pushing past me and walking into the house with his own consent. "Well, come right in." I sarcastically said as I shut the door.

"You had me so feckin' worried, why did you jus' leave like that?!" He exclaimed, running a hand through his hair. I bit my lip and looked away, I can't be honest with him.. can I?

"I'm sorry, just didn't want to intrude," I sighed, sitting down. Of course I can't tell him the truth. I don't want him to be aware of how much of a coward I am, just running away from the tribulations that come with life.

"You weren't intruding, love," he quietly responded, sitting down on the arm of the chair. "I invited you for a reason, I wanted you to be there, you didn't need to leave," he grabbed my hands and pulled me closer to him so I was standing between his legs. I looked down at him apprehensively. We were a little close for comfort. He sensed my disconcert and let my hands fall to my sides. I didn't move though. I enjoyed being close to him..

"I didn't think your friends wanted to be around a stripper," I mumbled, looking down at him. His expression altered substantially. He went a little pale, I never saw Niall look so perturbed, his usual confident demeanour suddenly diminished and a more apprehensive Niall took it's place.

"W-why would you think that?" He stammered, it wasn't difficult to gauge my expression when I said my last statement. He knew as well as I did that I had heard what his friends said. Why else would I of said that? There was no other conspicuous reason for me to blurt something like that out.

I didn't respond and attempted to portray the most undemonstrative expression I could feign. I didn't want him to be aware of the fact I heard his friends and their malicious comments. I didn't want him to know they affected me more than I show.

"Aviana, answer me," his eyebrows creased together and he tentatively placed his hand on my hip. I bit on my lip when he did, enough to draw blood. I didn't particularly like the fact he was touching me like this, it filled my senses with fraught. My muscles tightened as I felt uneasy. I disrelished being so close with somebody.

"I heard what you and your friends said about me," I finally responded and he quickly retracted his touch from my hip. I took a step back, gauging his expression as his face suddenly turned pale. I could perceive the fret on his features as he glanced back at me.

"Aviana," he sighed, running  a hand over his face, rubbing his cheeks which turned red with the friction of his hands rubbing against them. "please, we didn't mean to hurt you, what did you hear?" He questioned, looking up at me through his eyelashes.

"Just that like you shouldn't be hanging out with a stripper and like, I don't know that I'm disgusting and there's no way you can trust me, cause you know, I'm a stripper," I glowered at him. He gulped and looked down at his hands, culpability evident on his features.

"Avi, they didn't mean it like that," he sighed, almost appearing believable. I almost believed him for a minute. Almost.

"Of course they didn't mean it like that. I mean, there's plenty of plausible explanations as to why they'd think I'm disgusting. There's plenty of reasons for them to doubt my trust. They weren't judging me because I was a stripper then, were they? Or were they just saying I'm a horrible person in general," I balled my fist at my side, suddenly feeling quite exasperated.

"No.. well, I mean yes," he admitted, running a hand through his hair and peering down at his feet.

"See! Niall what are you even doing here? Your friends don't want you hanging around with a stripper!" I exclaimed. "You might as well leave now and not come back. I'll pay you back and we can just forget we even knew each other," I said and he shook his head quickly.

"No, please, I - I-" He struggled to form  a coherent sentence. He didn't know what to say, nobody ever knows what to say to us, us strippers. It's as though we're alienated. People feel as though they shouldn't be talking to us, and if they are, they often stutter and act as though we're different, not normal. It hurts.

"See, you don't even know what to say!" I exclaimed, throwing my hands in the air.

"Look, what they said isn't what I think of you," he whispered. "They just don't know you yet, they-"

"Yeah, they don't even know me and they're already judging me," I almost let a tear run down my cheek but I blinked it back in time.

"Take no notice of them Avi, why do you care what they think?" Niall questioned.

I stood rigid for a moment as the words replaying in my head. Why do I care what they think? I used to care what people thought of me, I still always say I don't. Although, no matter how hard I try not to care about other people's opinion, it's inevitable. It's easier to say I don't care, than to break down and cry over it in front of someone. You want to act as though you can withstand the misfortunes of life. I never want to portray to anyone how weak I can be. I don't want to risk them taking advantage of my vulnerability.

"I don't care what they think," I said firmly, almost fooling myself for a moment.

"Then why are we having this argument?" Niall asked.

"Niall, okay just leave!" I turned around and paced the room, running a hand over my face. "Look, I have to get Harper now anyways. Just leave, I know what you and your friends think of me. I'll pay you back and that will be it!"

"But I'll miss you and your cute unicorn onesie with the cock on it's head," he pouted, looking up at me through his eyelash. I had to stop myself from smiling. Why is he so darn cute all the time? I bit on my lip and shook my head.

"Niall, go buy your own unicorn onesie. Look, when do you want the money back for?" I asked him.

"I don't want it back," he responded and I shook my head. I have to pay him back, I would be conscience-stricken if I didn't reimburse him for his solicitude.

"Niall, you're getting it back, now tell me when? How long are you in New York for?" I questioned.

"Not sure meself," he said, chuckling quietly. "I came here fer a holiday with me friends for me birthday but I like it here," he smiled. "We're staying for a bit anyways," he told me and I nodded unsurely.

"Okay, I'll have you paid back before you go home," I quietly responded, picking at my nails. "You can go now," I said, gesturing to the door.

"But Avi-"

"No Niall. I know what you think of me, just go," I sighed.

"You don't know shit!" He yelled suddenly, taking me aback a bit. I attempted not to appear disconcerted at his outburst. Although, I took a step back, a little more apprehensive in front of him now.

"Excuse me," I looked up at him as he furrowed his eyebrows at me, seemingly frustrated.

"You don't know," he repeated. "You don't know what I think of you."

"Yes I do!" I exclaimed. "You said it the first time we met, you think I'm disgusting like everyone else!" I threw my hands in the air but he shook his head quickly. He took a step closer to me and took my hands in his, squeezing them lightly.

"I don't think that Avi, I swear," he whispered, looking down at our hands. I slowly peered down as well, trying to retract my hands but he had a tight grip on them.

"You do stop lying!" It was my turn to yell.

"I'm not lying Aviana!" He let our hands fall to our sides. "I think you're really beautiful." He whispered, taking a step towards me, gently letting his hand rest on my hip. I peered up at him with caution, a strained expression creasing my features. He detected my unease, quicker than anyone else ever would. He smiled softly down at me.

"Please Avi, I mean it when I say it. Y'er  beautiful and y'er  the strongest person I've met n' I've only known ye a few weeks," he whispered, placing his hand on my cheek, which he stroked gently with the pad of his thumb. He pushed a strand of my hair behind my ear and then looked down at me, biting on his lip.

I bit on my lip as well, my mind knew where this was going, it was telling me to cease the moment. My body was not in sync with my mind. My sagacious thoughts could not subdue the tingling feeling I got with Niall's hand perched on my hip.

I should of stopped him, but I didn't.

I soon felt his hot breath, inching closer and closer to my awaiting lips. His moist lips soon came into contact with my plump ones. My breath hitched and I stood rigid, my body had no other way of reacting, other than to move my lips in sync with his.

Our lips moulded together perfectly. I didn't know what to do with myself, my hands hung heavily by my sides, unsure of what else to do with them. I had made out with a vast majority of people, although, I never had butterflies swarming in my stomach like this while doing so. I never felt so unsure of what I was meant to do, but at the same time, it felt so right, I felt such contentment.

When I felt Niall's hands move and squeeze my bum I hastily shoved him away. He looked just as perplexed as I did.

The feeling of someone's hands on my bum unsettled me to an extreme I cannot even describe. The fear of thinking he wanted to do something with me made me nauseous.

"What?"

"Get out!" I yelled, my eyes filling with tears, which I quickly blinked back before he saw. 

"Aviana, I'm sorry if I-"

"Just go now!" I glared at him, my anger was feigned. I was not aggravated in any sense, I was petrified if I was honest. I just couldn't show I was weak, I had to at least act as though I wasn't affected by his formidableness.

"Aviana, I didn't mean to take it too-"

"Niall, go!" I exclaimed. He nodded and gave me one last solicitous smile, before he scurried out of the room.

I locked the door after he left before going to the bathroom. I stood in front of the sink, leaning against it and looking up into the mirror. I detested the reflection that stared back at me. I felt a tear roll down my cheek, I didn't blink it back this time. I was alone, nobody could see how cowardly I was acting.

The thought of what could of happened with Niall had my heart palpitating. I could feel it thudding against my chest rapidly while my palms grew sweaty and began to shake, my chest feeling as though it was tightening. I felt like I couldn't breathe.

Calm down Aviana, he wasn't going to do what you thought  he was. It's all in your head. Niall isn't like that, Niall wouldn't do that.

I began brooding in past memories, feeling nauseous as I did. I didn't know why I was allowing myself to think back to that odious time in my life, but I did. Tears were cascading down my cheeks and I stood in front of the mirror, staring at myself. I shook my head at myself, feeling repulsive. I wanted to cease all these harrowing thoughts but my mind didn't know how.

I felt as though I was suffocating in my own thoughts, and I didn't know how to breathe.

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A/N Update again on time :) Hope you're all enjoying it! If you are please vote and leave a wee comment, it'd be highly appreciated ! I've been working super hard on this book which is why updates for this take longer than my other book , and I'm still not sure if people want to read it lmao, I'm going to keep writing anyways :)

So, don't forget to vote and comment, I love you all ! Thanks for almost 2k already btw ! Means a lot !