Ok, this is for one specific person.

I know you probably wonder why I don't just say these things to you, or write it to you, but the truth is, it's far more easier to write it on wattpad than face it's reality.

I wasn't going to go through with this but I'm forcing myself to.

I told you I relate to the song Bad Blood by Taylor Swift. I can totally understand the lyrics. She has a rift between her and someone. And so have I. See, it's not just you I have a rift with, it's everyone I meet. I'm not cold towards people, I've just seen too much of their nature; people are not kind and I've been burned too much to be close to anyone. It's not like anyone gives me the time of day anyway, I may as well be invisible.

And how can I trust anyone? I thought I could trust you, but when you saw my cuts, you told the teachers. I know you did out of worry, but that hurt knowing that I couldn't trust you, and that only increased my anger, and the need to leave a good, clear physical mark.

And anger reaches another touchy subject. It worries me. When I'm angry, it's either a mild flicker or a huge burst. At that time I'm usually ignoring people, so I won't become rash and extremely hurtful. But at other times, I don't feel anything at all. I'd say it's worrying, but I don't feel it. It's like being in a continuous bubble of indifference to the World around me and I can't feel anything at all. That's another reason I cut, just to feel something, just to prove I fit in humanity. But what really hit me is that some of my symptoms fit in with Psychopathy. And it's a big deal to me whenever you and Singer joke about me being Strigoi or similar, because it's not funny now that I can connect my symptoms to something. I can tell I'm fine, that I'm happy, but really I can't actually feel it. And I can't tell you in person because I can already feel judgement.

There's two sides to me. I like listening to people's opinions of me because I can see where I'm going wrong. I treat myself like a slave. That doesn't make sense, does it? To be a slave to yourself? That's what I feel. I'm forcing myself to mould into people's idea of socially acceptable, and it's not pretty, the things I tell myself. Even around people I'm lonely. No one actually knows me because I'm becoming a compulsive liar, to hide myself. At times, I feel so sick that loneliness actually feels like it's gonna kill me. You don't have any idea how hard it is just to keep two feet on the ground and not jump into deep water. You know how much I hate it. I'm in a permanent isolation.

I guess I connect to Marina Diamandis. I don't think people really understand her songs like I do. She's kinda my role model because I can see where she's coming from. The only way I can really express myself is through her music. One of my most relatable songs by her is Starring Role and Are You Satisfied. You need to actually look at the lyrics to understand what I understand.

I really don't mean to hurt anyone, but I can't help my bad blood, not when I can't even grip reality. See, society gets to control me but I have a hold over it and no one can get what I mean. Like when I say I'm not bothered by what grades I get. I'm extremely careful with my grades. I not a happy go lucky girl.

If you have read this, and want to bring it up, please do it slowly, subtlety. Subtlety is how my life works.

With love,

Fx