Carrington Hill

It all seemed to came crashing down on me when my mother had called me and told me the news. It had only been a couple of days after the engagement party that Harry and I had thrown where most of our families and friends were there. When I picked up on the phone in the morning and I heard the words leave my mum's mouth after one another, I didn't know where to look, what to say or what to do. I kind of just froze in one place as I felt my eyes tear up and slowly but surely, they rolled down my cheeks silently. My chest tightened and my heart hurt as if it had been countlessly stabbed by many knives. I felt my throat close up and a knot formed there which made it hard to swallow. It had taken me a little while to notice my hands were shaking whilst mum told me the news and then she had to put the phone down because she had work.

Then I was alone.

My phone was buried somewhere in the sheets as I stuffed my face in my pillow and cried. I cried until I couldn't properly breathe through my nose that got stuffy and I had no way of breathing in fresh oxygen. It didn't matter how my eyes or cheeks burned from the tears because I shed them for my dog, Buster. They were all for him because he had fallen into a deep sleep – one, that he was never going to wake up from and crawl around my leg when he sees me next or ask to be cuddled on the couch.

Buster was old therefore I had a feeling his end was nearing but I didn't think it would be so damn soon. So many good things have happened in my life, I kind of should have expected the bump in the road to come and push my car to the side, off of the good path. But the fact that it had to be my dog completely shattered my heart into pieces.

I didn't even know what to do then. Like, was I meant to go home or was I just meant to get on with my life as nothing of what I had just been told happened? I knew I couldn't just pretend like my dog didn't pass away because fuck. That was my dog. He made so many people happy. He was such a little ray of sunshine. Sure, he was lazy but so was I. We were the perfect dog and its owner. And now he was gone.

And I wasn't even with him in the last couple of days. I wasn't with him when he closed his eyes for the last ever time. I wasn't there to pet him, to let him cuddle on my lap, to let him crawl around my leg, to let him just be near me. I haven't been home in a while which meant I haven't even seen him in so long. The idea of him passing away, thinking I didn't love him or he didn't mean the absolute world to me made me feel like the biggest asshole on this planet. My heart was in pieces that could never ever be picked up and placed together again and all these thoughts made my whole-body ache as more and more tears flooded my, now probably very red looking, cheeks.

In the end, I decided to call Harry because I just needed someone to hug, someone to comfort me. I had no clue where he was. He could have been downstairs or in the middle of a very important meeting but I called him anyway. I wasn't exactly in the state of mind to think crisp clear.

"Hey, babe, I'm just driving can I call you back?" his voice sounded like music to my ears, one that I loved very much and craved to just listen to it. It had such a calming effect on me and that was all I needed in that moment. But that still didn't stop the sob that broke out of me after a few seconds of silence from both ends of the line. "Carrie, are you okay?"

"Come home," I muttered through tears and heartache which may have been a little overboard but it really fucking hurt. I have never experienced death in my family and so for the first one to be my dog was just absolutely terrible. I had never lost anyone so close to me and I am fully aware of how Buster wasn't an actual person but he was an important part of my life. Dogs are freaking family too.

"Baby what's going on? Are you having me on right now?" he asked me frantically and I literally had to pull my phone away from my ear and put it on speaker as I picked up a pillow and hid my face in it to cry. "Carrington, speak to me, please. I'm starting to get worried."

"He-, he's-, Harry, he's gone," I sobbed some more as I wiped my cheeks with my fingers. It was a mess – I was a mess. I didn't know what to do, how to deal with this situation. My brothers and dad probably didn't even know yet.

"Who's gone, angel?" he asked me softly. He sounded confused and if I would have been in his shoes I would have been, too. "Baby, take a deep breath for me, okay? Please. Try and calm down, yeah?"

This situation was strangely similar to the one where my mum called me late at night about how Harrison got into hospital. Harry took over the situation then, too, as he tried to calm my mother down. Although this time, I was in my mum's place and it was midday.

Thank godness I had the day off of work because even if I wouldn't have had it off, I wouldn't have gone in.

"My baby," I cried quietly. Harry sighed on the other end of the phone after my answer that had a double meaning. "Buster's gone, Harry. He died this morning," and then my vision got blurry again and my head started to hurt like crazy.

"Oh my god, baby, I'm so sorry. Fuck, are you-, dammit, of course you're alone, you have the day off," he mumbled towards the end, much more likely to himself than to me or anyone else. "Listen to me, okay? Baby, you there?"

"What?" I asked weakly but I wasn't actually there. My mind was far gone as the only thing on my mind was my dog. I literally wasn't there with him in his last few days. I fucking hate myself.

"Open the windows okay? Let the air and sunshine in. And then get yourself a drink and wash your face as well, yeah?" he spoke to me gently and I didn't even know how he was so used to comforting people all the time. He was just so good at everything. "Rose will come over soon, it's almost half one, so she should be making lunch and whatnot. She may get home before me so if you need absolutely anything you can talk to her or call me if that's better, okay?"

"I just want you."

"I know baby, I'm driving as fast as I can but the traffic is terrible," he told me. It was sort of coming back to me now that he had a meeting with his team a few hours away from home which wasn't unusual and whenever it happened, he got home pretty fast. Today it all seemed to be way too slow. "Fuck, I can't wait to get home and hug you. I love you so much, okay? I love you."

"I love you too," I said back. "Can I, can I please tell you about it? Or how I was informed? I'm really fucking devastated."

"Baby, please do," he replied right away. It was like he felt honoured I wanted to open up to him, mainly because I rarely ever talked about emotions. Sure, I ranted all the time and was there for him through everything but sometimes he must've felt like I didn't rely on him. When really, he was the only person I could rely on – at least that's how I felt majority of the time. I perhaps didn't tell him a lot of things but he was always there for me, he let me cry on his shoulder and that was something I wanted to get better at. I wanted to use my damn words and voice to let him know what was up.

What the fuck is up Kyle. No, what did you say? What the fuck dude! Step the fuck up Kyle!

Gosh, I hated myself. I couldn't believe that was the only thing going through my mind for a short second. I truly was a terrible human being.

But then Harry made me feel so much better about myself when I ranted to him about my feelings. I told him all about how my mother called me five times before I actually picked up because I was sleeping and my phone was on silent and didn't hear it as well as I told him about how I didn't know what to do with myself because I couldn't even leave the bed. Well, that was until he got home because he literally told me when he was in the garage downstairs then in the lift and outside the front door so I ran down and into his arms as soon as I could.

He smelled so good – much like home. I missed him so much and he wasn't even away for that long. His strong arms around me, his heart beating against my chest and his body warmth surrounding me. I literally couldn't have asked for more. Just being in his arms was enough for me to calm the fuck down and feel at peace.

Well, not completely but I felt like I was much calmer than before.

"Have you eaten today?" Harry asked me a few hours later as we cuddled on the couch with the telly on. My head was on his chest as one of my arms went behind his back and the other rested on his stomach. His right hand was behind my neck as he played with my hair and the left one played with my fingers that that were in front of him. I literally didn't let him go ever since he had gotten home because I just had to be close to him.

"No," I stated. I had woken up at ten to eleven and then I just cried after that so I had no time to think about eating. I even fell asleep and had taken a short nap because all the crying tired me out plus Harry playing with my hair just sent me straight into a deep slumber. "I'm kind of getting hungry though."

"I'll put you some food if you want?" he said but it sounded a little more like a question. I shrugged my shoulder as I pulled away from him and sat up right. My hair was a complete mess, my hair tie was all the way down and it barely held my hair together therefore it failed to do its job.

Soon enough the microwave binged as it signed that the food inside it was piping hot and ready to be consumed. Harry called me over, even though I was already on my feet, and I was there within seconds because yes, I may have gotten terrible news today but I also didn't actually eat a proper meal yet and my stomach was crying for something to fill it.

"You gave me a bit of a heart attack before, you know," Harry told me as he sighed. He kissed the side of my head as he sat down next to me at the kitchen island where I decided to eat the lunch that Rose made earlier.

"Sorry," I mumbled as I truly meant that one word. I could only imagine how he must have felt like when I called him out of nowhere and when he picked up I was sobbing my heart out. I, for one, would have panicked so bad if I would have been in his shoes. "I just didn't know who to call. I mean I could have called Mia but I honestly feel like we sort of grew apart. I love her so much and she means the world to me, but we are both so so busy and we barely see each other anymore just because we want to."

"You two seemed to get along well at the engagement party and you do hang out," he told me as if he knew everything that happened in my life. And he probably did, to be honest. I did tell him every little information that happened in my life, perhaps too much at times. "I wouldn't worry about your friendship however if you feel as though it's not as good as it used to be, then obviously call her and meet up to talk it through."

"I will because I miss her but at the same time I don't want her to think I'm annoying," I sighed as I felt one of the most dreaded conversation topic creep up on my back. It was one of my insecurities if you could call it that. The constant feeling of being annoying haunted me from a very young age and I still couldn't figure out a way to deal with it.

"You're not annoying. Well, you are, but not in the way you think you are. I feel like it's a constant battle with you when we reach this topic and it honestly makes me sad that you think you're bothering others. You are not," he spoke his truth and my heart warmed up by the second. He was truly amazing at making me feel less like shit and I was so grateful to have him in my life. "You are anything but annoying. You are one of the most amazing people I have ever met. You are clever, beautiful, helpful, reliable, gentle, kind, generous, you look out for others and I could genuinely go on and on about how wonderful you are. Sometimes it pains me that you fail to realise all the good in you because you focus on the very little bad that lies within all of us."

"It's easier to just look at the bad though. The good doesn't matter. It never did. Like, no one ever notices the good things about someone. Humans are out to get others, to drag them as low as possible to, I don't know, to lift themselves up? So, it's just only right for me specially to pick apart the bad and try to get rid of those things. Me being annoying is one of the many things I need to work on but I tend to just push it away because I simply don't know how to deal with it."

"This is the reason why I'll grow grey hairs before my time comes," he chuckled and I pulled my lips to the side as a small smile formed on my face. "Look, I have the rest of my life to help you figure out this insecurity of yours. I will be damned if I let you die thinking you annoyed every single person who you ever came in contact with. That's not an option, alright?" I looked at him with a 'sure whatever you say big guy' expression and then carried on eating. "Anyway, let's drop this because we're not going to agree on anything and I don't want to argue."

"Good idea."

"And, by the way, when I said earlier that you gave me a heart attack, I meant it in a different way."

"Well, explain then," I mumbled. I stood up to get a drink from the fridge but I ended up just staring inside as I tried to find something.

"You worded whatever you said a bit... I don't know how to say it myself," he began. "It had a double meaning you know. And because you were in so much shock and you were crying, I genuinely thought that the worst thing has happened."

"What was it that I said that made you feel like that?" I asked him as my fingers drummed on the handle of the fridge. The cool air that came from the fridge felt nice and it made me think of all the times when mum would always tell me to close it because the back of the fridge on the inside would get icy. "I can't remember what I told you earlier."

"You said he was gone and I didn't know you referred to Buster. And I didn't even think of him as an option when you said 'your baby' is gone. The first thing that popped in my mind was that an actual baby, like, our baby, was gone. I thought that," he quieted down with each word and I felt like I just had to turn around and face him, no matter how much I didn't want to see his pained facial expression. "I thought that you may have been pregnant and never told me and you miscarried and I don't know. It was all so shocking and I don't even know why that was the first legitimate thing that I could think of."

"I knew you may have thought that," I replied after a little while. Now that he had said that, I did faintly remember me saying all those things and how it may have confused him. "I'm sorry, I didn't want to scare you so much, especially with something like that. Plus, I'd always tell you if I got pregnant. Which I highly doubt will happen any time soon because we're both so busy."

"Yeah, I know. It was just all that clouded my mind. Losing a baby that I didn't even know existed would've absolutely shattered my heart. I never wish to experience us going through something like that," he told me honestly as his green eyes looked right into mine. It showed a slight worry which I didn't know where to put and what to do with it so I just hugged him.

"I love you so much," I mumbled into his shoulder and then kissed his cheek before I pulled away and sat back down to carry on with my food. "Shit, I wanted a drink," I said to myself out loud as I stood back up and went to the fridge again.

"You make me laugh, you," he pushed his finger in my side and I jumped away as he laughed. Our mood seemed to change quite quickly which I was not mad about. I was in a shit mood for long enough. "I love you, too."

"Good," I nodded as I pretended to be serious. "I'd look like a right idiot if you wouldn't."

"I mean you do sometimes," he replied and I looked at him with my mouth wide open, eyebrows pulled together and completely faked how offended I was. We were just messing around, which was honestly all we ever did. Sometimes I questioned whether we were actually in our twenties. "Jokes, you always look stunning. Especially when you wear my sweats and sliders to the shops."

"That's my signature look, okay? I'm sorry you fail to find your own even though you literally work in the fashion industry."

"Take that back."

"Am I fuck?"

"Take that back or I'm calling off the wedding."

"Go right ahead, sweetie," I laughed. "There's nothing to call off."

He bit down on his lower lip as he mumbled 'shit' to himself because he just then realised what I said was true. We had no time whatsoever to think about the wedding but for now I thought we were just fine staying engaged. We needed to enjoy this a little longer before we ran too quickly into the wedding and everything. We had all the time in the world and that thought alone made me happy.

I truly did have the rest of my life to make Harry happy and that's all that mattered to me because I loved him and I wanted the best for him. 

•••

hello a shister has a new book up called hidden secrets and i'd love it if you guys could check it out and support her!! 

so sorry about the shitty update schedule with this book I'm trying my best to get it together. all imma say is that the next chapter is gonna be 4k words long so prepare xx 

lotta love, b