Carrington Hill

Aiden Parson was not the first person my mind expected to see once I was moved to some special suite. Then again, being at the hospital was not exactly where I imagined myself to spend the evening but here we are.

In a private hospital suite with Aiden Parson by my side.

He came in as soon as he was allowed inside the room. Which was right after the doctor told me the earth-shaking and heart-breaking news of the evening.

"Miss Hill, I'm sorry but you lost the baby."

It was kind of rehearsed and lacked sincerity but then again, these people had to deliver the same news to many people on a daily basis. It wasn't their job to feel for me for not being able to carry a baby until it was due to be born. Their job was to make sure it was gone once it no longer was alive then tell the unlucky individuals about it. The 'I'm sorry' was more so listed under their duties and responsibilities in job description.

"How are you feeling?" Aiden asked curiously after he sat on the chair for a few minutes. I looked at him as he quieted down again. He looked worried and unsure of what was happening and of his actions. Yeah, definitely his actions.

"I feel like you want me to say I'm sad but I would be lying straight through my teeth," I replied genuinely. I was just empty. I didn't feel much. A bit uncomfortable, if anything. I didn't like being in a hospital, the smell was too much.

"I can't imagine what you are going through right now."

"Eh," I shrugged. "I just want to go home. I don't feel like there is any need for me to be in here."

"I think they are working on your discharge papers right now so we should be fine to leave soon," he told me with a small smile. His eyes still looked worried and he seemed ready to jump as soon as he needed to catch me in case, I fell off the bed or something.

"Where is my soon to be husband, anyway?" I asked. "Isn't he supposed to be here? Instead of you? I mean, I'm glad that at least you are here but you're not exactly the man I love or my best friend."

"No, I get it," he sighed. His eyes looked away from mine and darted towards the floor. He intertwined his fingers and twiddled with his thumbs as he tried to come up with an answer. "He didn't take the news well... he kind of freaked out. Badly. They had to call security because he was close to showing the doctor his ring collection from up-close."

"Where is he now?" I questioned quietly. I played with the blanket that was on top of me. "Is Mia with him?"

"Yeah. They made him leave the building, said he was disturbing other patients."

"Hmm," I hummed in response. I couldn't really say much else. It was expected that Harry would take the news badly. He wanted a baby, this baby, so much and now it was taken from him. I couldn't imagine what he felt like right now, how much he hated me for not being able to do the one thing he needed me for the most.

"Hey," Aiden said softly as he stood up from the chair and sat on the edge of the hospital bed. I glanced up at him and blinked, which made my tears fall down my cheeks. He pulled me to his chest and I let him. Weirdly enough, he was the only one there for me in that moment and no matter how shitty our past was or how non-existent our current friendship was, it felt nice to know I could count on him. "I'm so sorry this happened to you."

"He really does hate me now, doesn't he?" I asked quietly. My tears rolled down my face as I felt my heart break. It wasn't for the baby. It was for myself. Which made me feel horrible, I mean I should have felt sad for the baby, right? Yet, there I was, crying over the man I loved the most because he most likely wished it would have been me who died and not his baby.

"No, of course, he doesn't hate you," Aiden told me reassuringly. "He loves you more than anyone. You know, we were out when he got the call and before that, we spoke so much about you – and Mia – and how much he loved you and how lucky he felt that he had you."

"I'm sure that's no longer how he feels."

"I think he is really sad right now. He loved your baby so much and I think he is heartbroken right now. For the baby, for you, for himself. This is... this is horrible," he said as his hand kept stroking my arm to comfort me. "I don't believe he blames you for what happened. He couldn't."

"He did think I would get rid of the baby the first chance I got so it wouldn't surprise me if he thought this happened on purpose," I muttered through my tears. It was pathetic. I couldn't believe myself. Then again, I couldn't believe the situation, either. It didn't quite sink in just yet.

I really did feel empty. That was the only way I could explain my emotions.

"You are feeding your brain more and more negative thoughts and you don't need them right now. Feel for yourself instead of thinking about Harry. You need this time for yourself to deal with this situation, OK?"

"Well, Harry is a pretty massive part of that," I snickered as I pulled away from Aiden. No matter how bad I wanted to feel for myself, thoughts of Harry hating me overpowered those. And how I let him down, how sad he must have been, how useless I was to him. He always wanted a family, a child – children – and I was unable to do the one thing he wanted the most. Great wife material, aren't I?

Aiden had no chance to say anything else after I spoke. He probably would have tried to make me feel less like what I said was true but even if that could have happened before the rude interruption, it wouldn't have mattered.

"God, look at you!" Harry said with disgust as he busted the door open, a worried Mia right behind him. He looked like a mess, his hair all over the place and eyes red. "You almost look happy to be without a kid in you."

"Mate, shut up," Aiden spoke up first. He stood up and sounded mad as the words were aimed at his best friend.

"No, you shut up!" he fought back. "You don't know what it's like to love a baby so fucking much just for them to be taken away from you and on top of that see just how well your fucking partner is doing like they are not even affected!"

Aiden was quick to jump up from the bed and literally in a blink of an eye, he lunged at his best friend. The action caused me to hiss in surprise and I was about to get out of the bed and run over to them when Aiden pushed Harry up against the wall as his hands tightly gripped on the collar of his coat. I had no idea what would have happened if I didn't put on my hurt face and groaned in pain.

Which I didn't actually feel. But I needed to do something to draw the attention to myself in order to break the two up. I was definitely not worth fighting over.

"Babe, what's wrong?" Mia hurried over to my bed as I pressed my hands on my stomach, my face scrunched up as I faked to be in pain. It was cruel and I didn't want to worry anyone but I also was not prepared to witness Harry getting smacked across the face by his best friend.

"Can you pass me that water, please?" I asked quietly as I glanced at the white cup on the side. Mia was quick to grab it and place it in my hand. The room was silent as I took a couple of sips of the water then gave it back to my best friend.

"Can you two please leave?" she asked her husband who let go of Harry by this point. I leaned back on the pillow and closed my eyes. This situation could be much worse, right? "An unsupportive fiancé and an angry friend is not what Carrington needs right now."

"An unsupportive fiancé? Fuck you, Mia," Harry laughed in disbelief. My heart was heavy, my breathing picked up again as tears burnt my eyes. I didn't like this Harry. It reminded me of the time he was drunk and sent me those voicemails. Only difference was that he didn't have any alcohol in him. He seemed pretty sober to me and that pained me even more. "But you know what? I'll leave. Gladly. Don't fucking call me. Any of you."

He was out of the room before anyone had the chance to reply. Aiden tutted before he looked at me with apologetic eyes and went after him.

"It isn't like I was gonna call him," I said with a whiny voice. The knot in my throat was hard to swallow whilst I held back my tears. This was a fucking nightmare. I didn't only lose my baby but also the father of my baby. In the same night. Now that's an achievement.

"He's a massive twat. I can't believe he would say those things – or worse if Aiden wouldn't have shut him up- oh, baby, he doesn't deserve your tears," she said as she wrapped me up in her arms as I cried. One of my hand was in her lap as the other one laid on the bed behind her. Mia kept my body together, much like she did the last time I was a mess. "This is the second time he hurt you this badly. If Aiden won't kick his fucking arse then I will," she stated angrily. I heard her sigh before she spoke again, one of her hands played with the ends of my hair. "Sorry, I-I know you don't want to hear that. It just makes me so mad. You deserve the world."

"Think m'getting what I deserve," I mumbled. I pulled my hand away from her back and I felt my ring get caught in the pillowcase. The fucking engagement ring. We were meant to get married and be happy together and be more successful together and have a family and here I was, post-miscarriage. Without a fiancé. He should have just taken the ring with him when he left because I doubted, he would ever come back for me. There were many other women who could give him a kid, women who will be able to carry the child and give birth to them.

"Nah, sis, you need to stop right there," she said sternly and pushed me away from her chest. She looked in my eyes with a determined face to put me in my place. She had gotten very talented at that over the years. "Harry has absolutely no right to treat you like shit. You have done nothing wrong, do you understand me?" she asked. "Carrington, do you understand me?"

"But what if I do?" my voice came out weak and tired from all the tears I shed. All the stress that built up in me and everything that happened today, came crashing down on me.

"You don't. This was not your fault. None of it. Not losing the baby. Not Harry getting angry. Nothing. No one can blame you for anything, babe. Nothing at all. You just lost your baby which was not your fault. You need love and care right now, someone who supports you. Harry does, too. He must be feeling very sad right now but it doesn't give him the right to be a fucking dickhead to you. He needs you and you need him but it's all too fresh," she rambled on. I didn't really hear a lot. Just Harry's name and a few words that stuck out.

Like blame. Sad. Your fault. Lost your baby.

"I want my mum," I said quietly.

"I'll call her if you need me to," Mia offered quickly.

"She'll just be all judge-y and harsh, I don't want to deal with her. Arguing... don't wanna do that," I shook my head. It was pounding at this point from all the crying I did.

"Knock-knock," Mia and I both looked towards the door where one of the nurses I had seen before came in with a clipboard in hand. "So sorry to interrupt... I can come back later?" she suggested when she probably saw the mess that was my face.

"No, it's- it's fine," I sniffled and wiped my cheeks with the back of my hands. "Are those my papers? Can I leave?"

"Actually, they are," she smiled kindly. "There were no implications during the procedure and it seems to me that you are fine – no fever or anything like that therefore you are free to leave," she explained. "I have some leaflets here for you, something we give out at times like this. It is important that you give yourself the time to heal, whether that is alone or with someone. If you have any other questions, you can always set up an appointment with your GP or even come back here," she let me know. I nodded as I weakly held the papers in my hand until they kind of just slipped out of my grip.

"Thank you," I said.

"Sorry, I, uh, don't know much about what happens after a miscarriage so is there anything that we need to look out for?" Mia asked. I probably would have just googled that because it didn't even come to me to ask about it. I just wanted to get out and sleep.

Maybe that was why I didn't bother to listen. I nodded along here and there but for the most part, I just sat there. Mostly in shock. It was weird. I had a baby this morning and now it was gone. She was gone. Elle was gone.

We gave her a damn name.

She had a name. That made the whole situation harder. She was someone we've known for three months and now she was no longer around. She didn't have the chance to show us she was there, she didn't have the chance to grow and actually kick.

But she was there.

And she made me want to eat sushi every day. I knew that would have been her favourite. Along with pickles. And buttered toast with jam on top. Orange jam. I fucking hated orange jam and never would have had it under any other circumstances but she made me crave it. So, I knew she would have loved it.

The nurse left soon after she finished talking and I went to get changed. Well, back to the clothes I had on when I came in. Mia was right outside the bathroom door with her arms open. I walked right between them and hugged her tightly.

"I love you," she said as if she knew I needed to hear those words. She was too good to me. I didn't deserve her but I was too selfish to let anyone else have her. "Let's get you home, shall we?" she smiled and I nodded with the smallest hint of smile on my lips.

After she grabbed her coat, we were out of the room and the hospital. Some part of me hoped that Harry would be outside and eager to see me, to know I was OK and to tell me he loved me. But he wasn't. Which was probably for the best. I didn't know if I would have been able to handle the anger in his eyes. I preferred them when they were filled with love and happiness.

On the way wherever we were going, I just sat in the back of the uber and stared out of my head. Nothing made sense. I mean, if losing Elle wasn't my fault, then why did Harry blame me? Why did he believe it was my fault? It had to be my fault. He never would have been so mad at me if I hadn't done anything.

It seemed surreal that I no longer was pregnant. I might not have been completely on board with the idea when the news were confirmed but over the course of my first trimester, I got used to the idea. I began to like it. And just as it happened, my baby was taken from me and now I had to deal with the idea of it being gone. That was just a bit too much. It didn't seem real. At all.

Suddenly, my mind travelled elsewhere. Home. The baby room. It was set up and filled with furniture, clothes, baby necessities. Everything that we needed to take care of Elle. It sat between the four walls of the room. The room that would never get used for what it was initially designed for.

"C'mon," Mia nudged me a little bit as she got out of the car. We stopped and I didn't even realise. We were at her house.

Eventually, we made it inside and I was kind of out of it. My eyes felt heavy and I just wanted to sleep in order to forget about what happened.

"Wanna sleep with me?" my best friend asked as we went upstairs and I just hummed. I didn't mind. Just needed a pillow under my head and I knew I would be out in an instant. It surprised me I made it through the journey home with my eyes open. "Alright then," she smiled as she opened the door to masterbedroom and walked in before me. I watched as she picked up the blanket and pushed the quilt to the side so I could crawl right in. "I'll be right back," she said after she tucked me in. I assumed she was going to call her husband to let him know about her whereabouts.

Something I wished I could have done but there wouldn't have been any point in that. Mine didn't care about where I was or who I was with and I thought it was best if I started to get used to it.

• • •

a.n.
yikes u all expected this turnout and so i guess it wasn't a shock to anyone sigh i lowkey hate that i made harry such an asshole but everyone handles situations differently ig

lmk what u thought anyway maybe i'll be able to write some of your ideas into the next chapter or something

don't forget to vote as always xoxo gossip girl