Carrington Hill

The three hours that followed the phone conversation seemed to be the longest three hours. It didn't entirely feel real. Everything happened so quickly – my plan of staying away from him to recollect my thoughts and make a decision with regards to what to do with my future, now that a baby was involved, kind of flopped.

My mum was called in for a night shift, which I found out when I went downstairs and saw the notice stuck on the fridge with a magnet. That made me feel slightly relieved because that way, Harry and I had the chance to talk alone. I knew she wouldn't have eavesdropped or anything if she wouldn't have gone to work, but it still gave me more of an opportunity to feel more at ease.

I was still downstairs when I heard a car stop right in front of my house and right away, I knew it was him. When mum had night shifts, it meant she only came back in the morning. Sometimes even later. I peeped out the living room window and saw the familiar Mercedes. When he got out of the car, even in the dark, I still caught the black Nike shorts he wore with his signature grey hoodie with its sleeves pushed up on his forearm.

He quickly made his way up the steps and it caused me to disappear from his view just as fast. My heart raced in my chest and the lump in my throat was hard to swallow. Then there was a knock on the door and it made me freeze. Suddenly, I didn't have it in me to open the door yet at the same time, I wished I was already in his arms.

I had a dressing gown on that reached my ankles, tightly wrapped around my body to cover me from the cold. As the front door opened, I realised just how toasty it was in the house, the cool air flooded inside and caused my skin to be covered in goose bumps.

Not even a second later, a pair of strong arms held my body close to something – or more so someone – warm and familiar. A head full of curls tucked neatly in the crook of my neck and scent that caused me to feel like I was at home crawled up my nose. My eyes fluttered closed as I allowed my arms to lift and wrap around his neck, my right hand gently placed on the back of his head as I leaned my own on his.

In that moment, the cold air didn't matter because I was protected and safe. Through it all, my heart calmed down and felt at peace, the man who I adored and needed the most was finally there. It caused my closed eyes to sting, the simple thought of how I could have lost him – perhaps will do in the future if we cannot improve ourselves and what we have – made me want to never let go of him.

"Hey," he pulled back suddenly. The sound of sniffles came from me and it broke the moment we shared. I almost pulled him back to me with a quiet whine, the loss of the contact caused my heart to feel sad and empty. "No need for tears," he said softly as his hands cupped my cheeks and thumbs wiped at them. My skin burned under his touch, or it might have been from all the tears that left it irritated. "C'mon," he said after he closed the front door and turned the lock on it. He grabbed my hand and pulled me towards the living room where he turned on the small light that stood on its own as opposed to the main one. The way he manoeuvred around the house made it seem like his own.

"Are you... do you..." I stumbled on my words as I sat down and felt his stare on my face. It was intense and deep. He made me feel intimidated and I was scared to say the wrong thing that would set him off.

"Carrie, calm down, darling. It's only me," his eyes seemed to have softened as those words escaped his lips. The same ones I loved. The same ones that said those ugly words through those voicemails. The same ones that had the power to make me feel good. The same ones that had the power to make me feel bad.

"It's just- when you sent those voicemails... they really fucking hurt me, Harry," as I admitted that to him in person, my emotions got the best of me. I couldn't see clear anymore as my heart picked up a rapid beat again and I felt it in my ears. With the nail on my index finger, I picked on my skin around the nail on my thumb to distract myself and I done it so hard, the skin went back more than it should have. The pain made me snap my head downwards and I saw a small part of it bleeding. I folded it in my hand to wipe it off then with the sleeve of my gown, I soaked up my tears.

"I was drunk and I know that is not an excuse for what I did."

"You told me to drink whatever whisky you had to... to kill our baby. You told me to- to- to get rid of it and- and that was a thought in your head."

"I'm so fucking sorry, baby, you don't even know... breathe. Please, breathe," he said quickly as he placed his hand on my thigh, his worried eyes focused on my face.

"You just believed that I wanted an abortion right away. And then you said that. And how I was the same as your brother... called him or her a mistake... it hurt so much. It still does."

Emotionally, I was just exhausted. With the stress that the house put on me, Harry's mental health, my own, then this... it got a bit too much for me to handle. Well, I didn't even handle it, so fuck that. I needed to contact my therapist again. I just knew it.

"I'm so sorry, my love," his voice cracked and it caused my eyes to glance up at him. His were glossy from tears and his forehead was full of creases, his eyebrows drawn together. "I want you forever, you know that. That never changed and never will. You are my one. I want you with everything that you have and come with. That's the baby included. I... I understand why it may have thrown you off... having a baby right now wasn't your plan, and I truly understand that. At the start, not so much. Now, I do. Which is fucking horrible of me. I should've gotten it from the start. You not wanting to grow our family now shouldn't be an issue to me... it's your body – you decide what you want to do with it."

"It's your baby, too," I told him which might have interrupted his train of thoughts but I felt like I had to tell him. He was right – it was my body. But it was also his kid. One that he wanted even before they were on the way. Harry was such a family man, of course he wanted a kid. "You get a say in this too. I just didn't like the fact that you believed I would want to get rid of it without talking to you about it first."

"You were so negative about it... you just value your career so much and I appreciate that and- and that's okay. I know it means so much to you. I just got so scared when the doctor began to go on about the abortion... she said it so casually, like- like- like she just wanted to get it over and done with."

"I was so fucking scared, Harry. I still really am. I have a human developing in me. Do you understand that? Like, I am responsible for someone living in me. In. Me. Inside my stomach. There is something – someone – who will come out and will look like you or me or like a mixture of us. And I need to take care of them. I need to watch what I eat and I can't do certain stuff when the pregnancy will be farther ahead and- and I have no idea what to do. How am I gonna cope? How am I gonna go about work? How am I gonna know if I do things right or not? And what if they are born? How the fuck are we gonna care for a baby? A tiny human?" I bombarded Harry with questions that sat on my mind for a while now. "Fuck. There is someone in me. Who the fuck pays their rent? I didn't just- Harry, don't fucking laugh!" I punched him with a pillow and his silent chuckle became so much louder. It made my heart flutter, my cheeks warm up and my smile to widen.

"I'll pay Elle's rent, darling, I will," he laughed some more. It sounded so nice, especially after not being with him and hearing it for so long. Yes, two days were long. For me, anyway. We spent all of our time together therefore two days apart felt like two weeks. "What?" he asked, when I looked at him with questioning eyes.

"You just... you said 'girls' on the phone and now you called the baby Elle and- and- I don't know... it's just like you think we'll have a girl?"

"Oh, I know it's a girl," he laughed as he put his hands on my stomach. It wasn't any bigger than usual. It was kind of flat and just the usual fat was there, if anything. "I know my little angel in there is a girl."

"Mhmm..."

"What?" he snapped his head towards me as I grinned. "You don't think we're having a girl?"

"I know we're not having a girl," I told him. "It's gonna be a boy. The Hill's started with a boy and so I firmly believe our first one will be a boy as well."

"Wanna bet?"

"Are you prepared to lose?" I arched my eyebrow as I agreed to his idea. Every single time we bet on something, I won. I knew for a fact that I was right.

"Two hundred pounds?"

"Three."

"Three fifty."

"Four and that's it," I stated. If I was to lose, I didn't want to lose over five hundred. Not that I would have minded my money going to Harry because knowing him, he would give me it back by buying me stuff I didn't need but always appreciated.

"Alright," he smirked as he placed his hand out. "I, Harry Styles, will give you four hundred pounds if our first born will end up being a boy."

"And I, Carrington Hill-,"

"Styles."

"-will give you four hundred pounds if our first born will end up being a girl."

And then we shook hands and the deal was sealed.

"Now. Tell me how you feel," he changed the topic to a more serious topic. "I know I'm a fucking asshole and I will never ever forgive myself for what I said to you and how I acted. But, I will make it up to you for the rest of our lives, I promise you that."

"I don't know... I just feel really lost. A baby is so much work and responsibility. I know you're gonna say we have the money and we're moving and so we'll be fine but it's not about any of that. It's about how much I can handle. How much you can handle. Can our relationship handle a baby? I mean, for god's sake, we spent two days apart because we fought over this very reason... it's just... I don't know."

"I guess I have somewhat of an experience from looking after my sister's kid and you have your cousins. I reckon that's a really good start, you know," he started off. "We can attend classes? Like, I heard of these groups or whatever where new mums and stuff go and talk about the questions they may have and share their experiences and whatnot. It might be good for you? I could maybe go, too... then as to how much we can handle – I guess we'll just have to wait for Elle to arrive and see what happens."

"Can you stop calling the baby Elle? We don't have a boy name and it's not fair."

"Just shows how we both know we'll have a girl," he smirked. "And, by the way, the same goes for our relationship. We will have to work on it, obviously, because what happened was unacceptable and I don't want our baby to come into the world and experience us fighting all the time."

"I don't either," I agreed quietly. "It would be so bad constantly arguing when we'd have someone much more important to look after and love."

"Exactly. So, I think she will be very helpful in a way. She will definitely make us want to work for our relationship harder – not that a baby is something that should sort out whatever we have going on. I'm not saying we should do one of those couple counselling things because I don't want a complete stranger to come into our lives and butt her nose into our business. I still firmly believe we should sort things out between us before going to anyone else with whatever is going on."

"Yeah, I suppose... but, I know I will definitely find my old therapist and schedule an appointment. I have been feeling very low and overwhelmed and stressed and with this as well I just feel like I need to talk to someone like her. Not necessarily about our relationship just... just about what goes on in my head, you know?" I said as I tried to explain myself.

"You can always talk to me too, you know that," he reassured and I nodded.

"Of course, but I prefer to do this with a professional. I've... I've tried to open up to people about whatever goes on in my head but it's not the same. I'm not saying I can't go to you and talk to you about what stuff bothers me but a therapist works better for me. I hope you can understand that."

"Yeah, of course, I'm not offended or anything. I'm- I'm glad you're thinking of yourself- of your health. That's the most important thing here. If you know in your soul that talking to someone like your therapist will help then I can only encourage you."

"Thank you. That means so much," I told him honestly. As our eyes locked, I couldn't help but feel my heart go mad and my breath get stuck in my throat. He was so fucking beautiful. "I love you," my words caused his grin to reach his ears and his dimples deepened into his cheeks.

"Oh, how I've missed hearing those words," he swooned. "I love you so much baby. You are my whole life. My forever."

"Stop," I giggled as he pulled me to his chest. I had such mixed feelings about where we were in that moment but I didn't mind his arms around me or his scent all homed up in my nose. It felt nice to be so close to him till my mind replayed his voicemails. I knew I couldn't keep those against him forever but I also didn't want to give in to him right away. Which was hard. I missed him terribly and I needed him more than anything, especially now that I had a baby in me. And, after all, it turned out we really were keeping it.

Her.

Elle.

Because he believed we would have a girl. And no matter how much I fought him on it and said we'd have a boy, it didn't matter in the end.

As long as I had him, I knew whatever was to come would work out itself. Perhaps we had a rocky road ahead of us, I knew we loved each other and our baby and hopefully, that was enough.

*

a.n.

i was meant to update last week but i completely forgot hjfhdjdf also i usually do wb on saturdays but guess am a day early lol 

i have so much shit thats due like on the same ass week literally three days apart so i lowkey have to focus on that which means i have no time to write which means there is no chapter written for next week which means i have no idea when im updating next . but i will . sometime . lol 

anygays ty for loving this book . continue to do so cos i love seeing u lot in my notifs <3