Carrington Hill

I kind of put my life on hold for a hot second after what had happened with Harry because I felt it was right. I told him I would help him because I always want the best for him and I wanted to stay true to my words.

That is why I had a few things planned he didn't know of just yet.

Tonight, was all about him though. At least for me, it was. He got an invitation to some kind of launch party where he had asked me to come the day after we talked things through. I of course, said yes as it was a public outing and after all the cheating rumours, I knew we had to clean up our, but mostly his, image.

Brands were really careful with who they worked with for correct reasons. I mean I wouldn't work with someone who is associated with negative stuff because that would reflect on my business, too and essentially lose out on many customers.

It was a kind of fancy event so it meant I had to put a little bit of effort into my look. It was likely that the media would be all over us considering that Harry and I hadn't been out in ages together and in all honesty, this was the first event where we would be seen since the rumours sparked up. We lived our lives on the downlow and kept our relationship right there, too. It felt nice and comfortable to keep everything between us like it was meant to be.

"God damn," Harry commented as he whistled a little when he walked into the room. He had been downstairs until I got ready and he was just watching the telly. I liked to get ready on my own because whenever he was around, I always had to explain everything to him. Mainly when it came to makeup seeing as he was clueless for the most part. He also liked to play with my things and get them all over the place which was cute and entertaining in general but I despised him doing that when I was short on time. "You look fucking good. Shit," he carried on with the compliments which I happily rolled around in. His choice of words made me chuckle as I hooked my earrings in where they belonged then twirled around to give him a full 360 look.

"Are we feeling red tonight or are we feeling red tonight?" I asked with a grin on my lips. I walked closer to him and placed my arms around his neck whilst he snuck his behind my back. "Looking at you, I might be a little overdressed, huh?"

"It's better than going underdressed, isn't that right?" he smirked as he inched closer to me until his lips were on mine. My eyes fluttered closed as I enjoyed his warm lips touch mine in a soft kiss. I felt him smile during it and it caused him to pull away which made me whine quietly. I got on my tippy toes to press single kisses on his lips with my eyes still closed but I sensed him move away with each of my actions. "You've been craving a lot of my attention lately, haven't you?"

"I always crave your attention," I admitted right away. There wasn't really anything that I hid from Harry, if anything, I gave too much information sometimes. To the point, where I usually wondered when he will leave me for knowing things that he probably shouldn't. "I just love you a whole lot and we will be around people tonight so I can't exactly kiss you whenever."

"Yes, you can," he furrowed his eyebrows at me as he pushed my hair off of my shoulders. I wore a red jumpsuit that completely hugged my body and stuck to all my curves. It had a sports bra back and a nice cleavage, tighter around my waist and ended just a little above my knees. I paired that with nude-ish heels. "Just because we'll be with others doesn't mean you're not my fiancé."

"That's not what I'm saying, silly," I chuckled and let my eyes run up and down his pretty basic outfit for the night. He had a pair of black skinny jeans on and a same coloured shirt, his feet hidden in a pair of Gucci boots he recently bought. "You know showing too much PDA is not my thing. I don't really want that kind of attention tonight."

"You look too pretty for me not to be kissing you whenever I look at you," he told me with a shrug. "But I will hold back because I know you and I want you to have a great time."

"Thank you," I smiled at him. "Alright. I'm ready. Are you?"

"Let's go," he grinned.

He got his chauffer to drop us off at the event because alcohol was involved in this whole thing and since neither of us was down to be the designated driver, this was our best option. Plus, if Harry had a driver then I suppose it was only right if he took advantage of that.

Regarding what's his and what's mine it was really difficult for me to adjust to this whole sharing. I found it hard to refer to his belongings as ours now meanwhile he had no problems with it. I still didn't feel like it was right for me to call his driver our driver because I didn't pay him – Harry did. Therefore, it was his driver. It had taken me a really long time to come to terms with the fact that we shared the penthouse and so it was our home because again, I didn't pay for it and it was under Harry's name.

I didn't like to mention this though because there was nothing I could have done or Harry could have done to make me see things differently. It was just something I had to get used to and I knew with time, it would eventually happen.

When we got to the location of the launch party, it was full of people. Everywhere I looked, I saw people in gorgeous outfits and flawless makeup, alcohol and their phones in their hands as they chatted to anyone and everyone. That alone already pushed my anxiety through the roof.

I mean, the whole idea of the night did but I handled it well and I didn't let it affect me.

At least I did until we actually got there.

I gulped down the knot in my throat as Harry and I walked in and he began to great the people he knew. As well as that, he introduced me to so many people, by the time I saw them for a second time during that night, I had already forgotten their names.

They were industry people mainly, I could tell Harry didn't really have a close, personal relationship with them. It was rare for me to meet his colleagues but I was fine with that. Meeting new people wasn't one of my strongest qualities, I much more preferred to hang with the friends I already had and knew very well.

I was really glad to find out Liam and Zayn were at the event, too. When we finally saw them arrive, I felt much calmer and more comfortable because I knew them and when Harry wasn't around, I could be with them.

"You look fit, babe," Zayn complimented me with a glass of champagne in his hand and a handsome smile on his face. Our relationship was very flirty but in a friendly way. He respected Harry so much, he would have never hit on me to make his best mate jealous. Plus, he had a girlfriend himself. "Standing here with you is drawing so much attention to me, too. How do I look?"

"Thanks, hun," I laughed. "You look fabulous. I really love the unbuttoned shirt with layered necklace combo."

"Ah, yes. Knew someone would love it," he grinned and lifted the glass to take a sip of his drink. "How are things then? How's the wedding planning going?"

"It's such a piss take," I chuckled as I told him my honest opinion. "I mean, I love it. But it is really stressful and I kind of just want to stay engaged for as long as possible."

"I bet it is. Plus, with both of you being at the top of your careers it is bound to be stressful."

"Hello, hello!" Liam stepped over to us with a big smile on his face.

The two of them easily sparked up a conversation to which I only ever said a word or two to make myself seen present. I really wanted to make sure everything went smoothly that night because the process of straightening Harry's image out was difficult and I knew one night would never make everything right. I had to be as positive and approachable as I could because people were people and they had the tendency to judge. After all the rumours about Harry and I, it was clear that the public would be on our necks for a while.

And that night, I felt way too many eyes on me from the moment we walked in and it was completely different from a dance competition. I was at my most comfortable when I competed whereas in that moment, I was out of my comfort zone. I wasn't used to big fancy events, hell, sometimes I couldn't even handle competitions no matter how I told myself I was used to that.

The constant pain my chest and distress I felt seemed to get the best of me which I knew were signs of my anxiety coming out. My hands were slightly shaking as I held the glass of whisky I haven't even taken a sip of although it probably wouldn't have even tasted nice since the ice cubes already melted.

I did try my best to not let this damn thing get the best of me because I didn't want to ruin other people's night. Especially not Harry's.

So, I stuck it out. No matter how badly I wanted to find Harry and leave.

I forced myself to engage in Zayn and Liam's conversation until I had to excuse myself and left to find the bathroom. It was a challenge to find my way around the place and it became hard to breathe as each second passed by.

My vision became as blurry as it did when I tried on someone's prescription glasses before and they were too strong. My hands kept shaking as I leaned against the sink top in the bathroom which seemed to be empty when I walked in. I felt pins and needles in my feet, my muscles tensed up as I gripped the hard surface tighter in order to keep myself in the present and gain the control back over myself.

The things around me seemed to be moving around and it made me feel dizzy. I felt like I couldn't breathe, it was like something blocked the ways in which air could get in and I thought I was going to faint. I didn't notice the tears that rolled down my cheeks because I was much too focused on getting my breathing straight.

"Hey, look at me," someone said to me but I barely heard them. I stumbled back when I felt a hand on my arm and it caused me to almost fall. "Alright, let's sit down," I heard someone mumble but I couldn't exactly make out what they said.

I didn't even know how I managed to sit down on the floor. My fingers desperately tried to hold onto the cold ground but there was nothing to grab onto. That caused my chest to heave up and down even faster and it didn't feel good. My heart beat so fast I thought it was going to just come to a halt stop any minute but at least it would end all that I felt.

"Look at me, Carrington," my name was the only thing I heard that made me snap my head towards the direction it came from. I saw a head full of blonde hair and that was about it. "How many fingers am I holding up?" she asked and I tried to focus on the fingers in front of me but it was hard.

"T-two," I mumbled. "Three... dunno. Two."

"How many fingers am I holding up now?" she tried again. This time I saw two hands in the air.

"Seven?"

"Alright, have a sip of this, please," her voice sounded feminine and it was familiar.

I felt something hit my bottom lip and then coldness touched my tongue. More and more of it seemed to leak in my mouth and some of it even went down my chin. I swallowed as much as I could but then pulled away as I gasped for air. I had to find something to hold on to and it felt warm when I finally was able to.

"Take deep breaths," I heard the instruction but it was hard to actually complete it. I still felt dizzy, my hands and feet tingled and were shaking but at least I could breathe much better. "In," she said. "Out."

I had no idea how long she sat there and repeated these two words to me but eventually, it actually did help. She also made me drink more of the water which again, helped me to get back to real life. I still took quick and short breaths as I leaned my head against the wall with eyes closed, one hand gripping my helper's arm and the other did the same with my thigh.

I felt really worn out and I just wanted to sleep.

"Carrington, can you hear me?" my eyes shot open at the strangely familiar voice and when I noticed the woman who sat on the floor opposite to me, I thought I was going to go through the same thing all over again.

"I-, I'm-, I survived that," I mumbled. My muscles still felt tense until I relaxed my entire body. "I need a drink."

"Sure," she said quickly and lifted the cup up to my mouth. I took small sips of the water and I felt like a baby.

"Jesus Christ, are you okay?" someone asked as soon as they walked in the bathroom. I had no idea who she was but seemed concerned. And also very drunk. I nodded as an answer whilst I felt Caitlin's eyes on me. "Do you need anything? A tissue? Lip gloss?"

"No, thank you," I forced it out of myself.

"How are you feeling?" Caitlin asked me. It stunned me that she was so nice to me considering she disliked me from the first moment.

"Like shit," I blurted out and it made her chuckle. "Panic attack, that was."

"Yeah. I know," she sighed as she leaned forward and dabbed my cheeks with a tissue. "How do you think I've managed to get you back?"

"I fought myself back," I argued but I was aware of how much it helped me to have her there. I was glad she found me.

"You did. But I helped," she corrected me. "This feels very much like a night out, but," she began to say as she opened up her little bag and pulled out a pair of flexflops. They were those foldable flip flops that were easy to just toss in a small bag because wearing heels all night sometimes equals to death. "Change into these. I'll call Harry."

"No!" I grabbed her arm right away. "No, don't call him, please. I don't-,"

"What?" she looked at me confused. "Why wouldn't I call him? You just had a panic attack. He needs to know."

"Yes, he does. And I will tell him later. But, I want him to enjoy tonight without worrying about work. Or me. I'm fine," I shared my thoughts with her and she just shook her head.

"Anyway," she sighed as she got her phone out of her bag. She completely ignored everything I said but what did I expect? This woman never listened to me, I had no idea why I thought she would in that moment. "Hello? Can you hear me? Yes, I'm calling because-, yes! Just listen to me... Harry. I'm literally about to tell you where she is. Yes, I'm with her. Yes. Jesus Christ, you are so annoying, I have no idea how I'm still working for you. No. I don't know about them. Just come to the toilets. Yes. She'll tell you, it's not my business. Just come here, bye."

I watched as she put her phone back in her bag and then looked at me. I then realised I still haven't changed my shoes but that was because I felt kind of weak still. Caitlin let out another sigh as she began to unbuckle my heels and then slipped them off of my feet. She unfolded the flip flops and helped me put them on.

"Come on," she stretched her arms out to me after she stood up to help me up as well. I inhaled deeply and gathered all the strength I had in me to move. "One, two, three."

I felt more put together this time around as I leaned on the sink top and looked in the mirror. That was one of the biggest mistakes I had done though because my makeup looked absolutely fucked. Tear stains washed my foundation off, my mascara pooled under my eyes and my fake lashes could have fallen off any minute.

"I can't go out like this," I mumbled.

"Look at me," Caitlin said as she opened her bag again. I watched as she pulled a beauty blender out of her bag and started to bounce that shit on my face. When she was done, she pulled my fake lashes off and put some glue on it, that again, came from her bag. She blew on the band where she put some glue until it became tacky and I closed my eyes as I let her put it on. "Not the first time all my emergency makeup bits came to use."

"The one time I don't bring a bag, this happens," I mumbled.

"I don't understand how you can't bring a bag. Your stupidity is beyond me and I don't understand how you graduated university."

"Fuck off," I laughed as I pushed her a little. Then I realised who she was and how we weren't on the best terms. I cleared my throat as I picked my phone up from near the sink. It surprised me that no one nicked it.

The door to the bathroom abruptly opened and revealed a worried Harry. He took like three steps and was already in front of me, his hands on my shoulders as he looked at me.

"Are you okay?" he asked me with a serious tone. It didn't seem to bother him that we stood in the middle of the female toilets.

"Yes, I am fine," I nodded as I tried to make him believe me. However, my voice was weak and Harry knew me better than what I had given him credit for and so he could so easily tell I bullshitted him. "Really, I'm good."

"She's not good. It's time to go home," Caitlin piped up and I rolled my eyes as I let Harry wrap me up in his arms. His head rested on top of mine as he held me together more than I could myself. "The car will be here in five minutes. Let's go."

Harry's manager held my heels as she walked in front of us. By the time we got out of the venue, the car was out front. There were a few paps therefore I was grateful that Caitlin patched me up a little while we were inside. As we got in the car, she sat next to the chauffeur whilst Harry and I sat in the back.

"You good?" Harry mumbled as his lips were against my temple. He buckled my seatbelt in and then done his. His hand searched for mine then laced out fingers together. He brought our hands up to his mouth and pressed a few kisses on the back of mine. He breathed out through his nose so the warm air hit my hand then I let him place it on his thigh as I leaned my head on his shoulder.

"I'm tired," I said eventually with my eyes closed. I felt absolutely exhausted from that panic attack. It only happened twice, well with that one three times, in my life and I wasn't even aware of it the first time. It wasn't the nicest thing to go through.

"We'll be home soon, angel," he told me as his thumb softly stroked my hand as he held it.

Our first top was thankfully our home and then the driver took Caitlin home, too. When we stepped into the penthouse, it felt really fucking cold and I knew one of us left the AC on. There was a damn heatwave in England and it was unbearable during the day.

"I need to get this makeup off," I mumbled as I laid back on the bed.

"What happened before? Why did Caitlin call me?" he threw the questions at me, rightfully so. I made him leave – well, Caitlin did but it happened because of me.

"I just... I just feel so bad," I shook my head as I sat up so I could talk to him properly. I was still in my red jumpsuit and Harry was dressed in his all black outfit. "I'm sorry I made you leave, I told Caitlin not to call-,"

"She called because something happened. She wouldn't have if it wasn't serious," he told me with a stern voice yet he still sounded really worried. Mainly confused. "Tell me what happened, please. Did someone spike your drink?"

"No," I said quietly. "I had another panic attack."

"What do you mean another panic attack?"

"I've had two before. This was my third one. I was fine but also glad that your manager was there to help me," I replied. "I really thought she despised me."

"Fuck. How did it happen? What do you think triggered it? Are you sure you're okay?" he bombarded me with question after question and I didn't even know what to answer first.

"I uh, I think it was just... I'm not too sure. I mean I was already really anxious about the whole event and then when I was there and I was with Zayn and Liam it just got too much and it happened, I guess," I didn't really know what happened. I never really knew after an incident like this. "But like I said, I'm okay," I smiled at him as best as I could but it didn't seem to make the wrinkles disappear from his forehead.

"I'm so sorry I left you on your own," he said suddenly and pulled me in to his chest. One of his hands was on my head as he pressed kisses to my hair. I wrapped my arms around his middle and let out a sigh as I enjoyed being close to him. "I should have dragged you along with me instead of leaving you with Zayn."

"It's fine, Harry, don't worry about it," I said. I knew he would beat himself up about it for a while and I didn't want that. "You can't always be there for me. Plus, I didn't want to ruin your night."

"You didn't ruin my night, Carrie. God, please, never feel like you can't ask me to go home when we're out and you don't feel comfortable," he said, almost pleaded after he pulled away from me and placed his hands on my cheeks. "I know how bad your anxiety is but I had no idea about the panic attacks. I feel terrible knowing that you thought you couldn't come to me to ask if we could go home. Your health is so much more important than some event."

"Okay, I'm sorry," I looked away from his yes as he caressed my cheeks with his thumbs. "I knew you were excited though."

"I was and I had my fun. I'm sad you didn't. I wasn't even with you when it happened. I'm such a terrible husband."

"No, you're not. Don't say that," I grabbed his wrists and turned my head to press a kiss into his palm.

"Come on, let's get you to bed," he said eventually. It was quiet between us which I didn't mind. Harry had taken my makeup off before so he knew what things to get from the bathroom. "I'm still scared to take your lashes off."

I giggled and did it for him. The fact that he was ready to help me with taking my makeup off already meant the world to me and also one less thing to do. Once he was finished, he grabbed all my hair and shoved it in a bun and picked me up. I laughed as he walked us in the bathroom and sat me on the edge of the bath. Harry opened the water in the shower then got all his clothes off before he helped me.

After we took a quick shower, I grabbed my pyjamas that were on the bed from the night before and put them on. The soft clothing felt nice against my skin as I got under the quilt and waited for Harry to join me. I cuddled into his chest when he got in and wrapped me up in his arms. I felt him kissed the top of my head multiple times before I actually fell asleep. 

•••

lemme just apologise real quick for writing out carrington's accent in old chapters cos now that i've read some back i cringe really badly . it was deffo a big ass mistake to include shortened words like somet, cos and using me instead of my 🤮

aight now that it's out of the way i hope you's enjoyed this chapter! this was so hard to write like i've never experienced a panic attack in my life so all i had was the research i've done beforehand. i've tried to make it seem as realistic as i could but if there is anything i could have done better or maybe shouldn't have included at all, do let me know so i am aware for the next time i may include something like this!

also don't forget to check my other book (hidden secrets) out that i plug all the time but like i really do love it and i hope that eventually it'll do as good as this story or my other ones!

lotta love, b