Carrington Hill

Heartache was a bitch. Couldn't get rid of it not matter what I tried. Sleeping seemed like a nice idea but it was impossible to accomplish. Whenever my eyes closed, I began to feel dizzy and my stomach jumped right back in my throat.

I was still at Mia's place. She got the guest bedroom ready for me but there was no way I could have gotten up the stairs so I decided to camp on their couch. She had work in the morning which she could have just called up and let them know she wasn't going in but I told her not to do that. She needed to carry on with her life as if I wasn't going through the shittiest time of mine because I never wanted to stop her from achieving great things. A day off may not have seemed like such a big deal but it definitely would have made me feel guilty if she missed it because of me.

Mia was in bed, most likely in a deep sleep whilst I laid on the couch, awake. It was comfortable, with all the pillows and soft blankets so that was not why I couldn't sleep. Harry was the reason for it. He was on my mind like all the time. Consumed all my thoughts.

Was he okay? Was he still angry? Did he cry? How much did he hate me? Would he throw me out if I went back home? Did he talk to anyone? Was he awake? Did he eat after we got home? Drink? God, was he drunk?

I just wanted him to be okay. No matter how much he despised me, all I wanted to know was whether he was okay.

Fuck that.

I wanted to know if he hated me. I wanted to know why he freaked out on me so much. I wanted to know why we couldn't see eye to eye. I wanted to know how I could make it better for him. I wanted to know if he'd leave me if I said I'm not keeping the baby.

Was I keeping the baby?

Hell, I had no idea.

Not one bone in my body did want to get an abortion. I couldn't have thought of that as a possibility. I understood why women done it but that couldn't have been me. It didn't have to be me.

This baby was a baby made out of love. This baby had a dad. This baby had a supportive dad. This baby had the opportunity to born into a loving, safe and happy environment. This baby had an amazing life and she or he wasn't even ready to enter it just yet.

But did I even want that?

Did I want to give up my body for a baby? Did I want to give up dancing? Did I want to give up working? Did I want to be pregnant?

The honest answer to that was: no.

I didn't want to give my body up. I didn't want to give dancing up. I didn't want to give up working. I didn't want to be pregnant.

But here I was. Pregnant. There was a baby in me. A whole ass living creature. There was something – a human being – forming inside of me. There was something relying on me. There was something that loved me even more than anyone I had ever known.

I wasn't only responsible for myself but for someone else, too.

3:38 am.

Lovely.

With a loud sigh, my finger unlocked my phone after it turned back on. Mia turned it off the minute she got to me which I appreciated because I probably would have read every single text message Harry had sent and seen every missed call and every voicemail – well, if he did.

My text notifications were turned off and the app was on the first page of my phone so I didn't see them. I didn't scroll backwards to check. Instead, I clicked on the Instagram icon and went through my feed. Later, I clicked on my profile and saw that I hadn't posted anything in almost two months. It didn't surprise me – I was very busy. Even if I was on social media, I usually only posted on my Instagram story or tweeted some silly stuff.

I bit down on my tongue as my thumb clicked on my profile picture and it brought up my story.

The first one was a picture of two cups of tea from this morning – well, yesterday morning. Harry made it before we had to leave. He still used the mug I got for him for Christmas when I was in America. There was a bunch of hearts around it and a little text that said "weak brits" because we both drank our tea extremely light.

The next one was a video of us in the car. The screen went from the side of Harry's face to the sign that said "road work ahead" then it went back to him and he made a silly face. Before he could've gotten to the part to recreate the famous Vine, I burst out laughing behind the camera and the video suddenly ended.

After that, one last picture was taken. We were in the waiting room, Harry sat next to me and it was mainly of his phone that he held in his hands. It showed his game that he was playing and I added an eye-rolling emoji as caption.

The story quickly closed after that one was over and it showed me my account again.

This morning and first half of the afternoon was good. And then we got the results and then everything went to shit. We made up not too long ago and we were back to fighting again. We weren't even married yet. Fuck, imagine when we will be married.

My thoughts were interrupted and my breath got stuck on my throat when I got an incoming call. My screen turned grey and then really quickly changed to the picture of Harry that I set for his contact. I couldn't bring myself to swipe across the screen in order to pick up the call. I just let it ring. And as soon as that finished, a minute later I got a notification off a voicemail.

Do I listen? Do I not? Do I wanna cry? Kind of.

I felt like a right twat as I clicked on the notification and it took me to all the other ten that he had sent. Ten.

"Fuck..." I mumbled and rolled my lips in my mouth. I didn't want to listen to him. But I did. But I didn't. I shouldn't. I wasn't in the right state of mind. I was stressed and confused and hurt. I didn't want to listen to him shout at me.

But then I clicked the first one, anyway.

"Where did you go? Why's your car not in the garage? You could've told me you left. Then again, you could've also told me you wanted an abortion beforehand."

He sounded annoyed. Irritated. Angry. His words hurt me. He treated me like I didn't even deserve his attention or care or love anymore. He really wasn't my fan. It made my heart hurt – his voice. I didn't even care what he said. The way he said it was enough to make my eyes tear up.

But I clicked on the next one.

"Your car was unlocked and outside. Well done for being so responsible. Next time might as well just put a 'take it' sign on it or something."

"Listen... those messages were out of order. I know. I'm confused. Come back please. We need to talk."

"You're not picking up the phone and I don't know why. I'm worried. I don't want anything bad to happen to you. Maybe you could text me to fuck off? Please. I need to know you and... and the baby are okay."

"It's been a little over four hours. Where the hell are you?"

"Pick up the fucking phone. Text me. I'm fed up of this stupid game."

"Can you just tell me where you are?"

And then his voice kind of changed. His behaviour.

"I just drank something strong... whoopsie daisy, it spilled all over the floor. It was this whisky. You should try it. I'm sure it would help you get rid of the baby. You don't want a family with me anyway."

My heart broke. His words cut like knives. I couldn't breathe. He sounded evil. He knew what he did with those words and whether he was drunk or not, it was fucking disgusting. My tears rolled down my cheeks in silence as his words sunk in.

"It's eleven thirty-five. I hope no one kidnapped you. You have a baby in you. I hope you still do, anyway."

"I love that baby. I really do. I-I love you. I really do. I want to... I want to have him or her with you. But you don't. So, you ran away. You're kind of like my b-brother... he ran from his problems. So, did you. Funny, innit?"

If his first voicemail message didn't make me cry, then the last few definitely have. His words hurt like nothing I had ever experienced. He was so angry at me, he was so drunk and he was completely out of love for me. That was the only explanation I had. He never would have said any of those terrible things otherwise.

Sure, he was mad but that happened before and he never hurt me like that.

A loud sob filled up the living room and shook my body. It hurt so much. He really didn't have any hope for me. He really didn't think that maybe I would have this baby with him. I was undecided, but I wanted to talk to him, I wanted him to win me over and want this baby. But he didn't. Instead, he just shoved me in the dirt and made me hate myself.

The same man who made me feel good about who I was also made me feel fucking terrible. The same man who made me the happiest also made me the saddest.

"Carrington?" a male voice entered the living room which I only realised when they called my name and walked closer. It was Aiden. He dropped something on the floor, probably his bag, before he sat down on the edge of the couch and awkwardly looked at me. "What's going on? How come you're here?"

"I-I'm sorry," I mumbled as I stopped myself from crying as best as I could. My hand let go of the phone that was clutched between my fingers and wiped away my tears. "Just... just some stuff."

"Some pretty serious stuff, I assume?" it wasn't fully dark in the room so I still saw his serious facial expression. He exhaled through his nose which made his nostrils flare out but not the same way Harry's did. "Come here," he said softly when my eyes started to burn with tears again and soon enough they escaped as well.

He smelled nothing like Harry. His hug wasn't like Harry's. But it was still nice. He was there for me and I appreciated that. Sure, him and I weren't so close, we had our history, but in that moment, none of that mattered. He let me cry on his shoulder – chest to be specific – and he carefully stroked my back to help me calm down.

"Sorry... I just... sorry about that," my words came out dry and low, my voice was kind of weak, too. I hated crying.

"No need to apologise, love, it's fine," he rubbed his hand against my shoulder as he moved a little more up on the couch. "What happened? Is everything okay with you and Harry?"

"No," I whispered because the minute my thoughts revolved back around my man, my emotions got the best of me. Nothing was okay with us.

"Oh, dear," he said under his breath. "You can talk to me about it."

"I'm e-enough trouble as it is. G-go to bed. I'm sure you're... tired."

"I feel quite awake, actually. I just got off a plane and I necked a Monster energy drink on the way home in the uber."

"Right..."

"If you don't feel comfortable, please don't make me force you. It's completely fine if you don't want to rant about it," he told me honestly. "I might pay him a visit and sort him out though. You seem pretty shaken up."

That caused me to laugh and he smiled.

"Dunno what I should do... not going home... I feel like if I-, if I didn't go home he'd just... he'd just think I'm a bitch. He probably thinks that anyways..."

"Woah, hold on. That's absolutely ridiculous. That man loves you to death," he tried to make me feel better. "He's my best mate. I know him. He never shut up about you – not before you got together, not once you got together. I'm sure whatever rough patch you two stumbled upon will not make him hate you."

"When that rough patch is to do with a baby that neither of us planned to have and I'm not exactly the biggest fan of it, I reckon that could make him hate me."

"You're... pregnant?" he asked with widened eyes and a surprise voice. I nodded a little as an answer. "Carrington, that's wonderful!"

"I guess..."

"You don't want it?" he questioned. I shrugged. I was still undecided. I needed Harry to convince me that I wanted this baby but he currently hated me. "And Harry does. Which is why you fought and you ended up here. Right?"

"In a nutshell."

"Wow..."

"I know."

"So, why don't you want this baby?" he asked. He sounded genuinely curious but I couldn't help feeling like he was interrogating me. "Sorry, that sounded kind of rude."

"No... no, don't worry about it," I said quickly. "I just... I just don't feel ready. I didn't want a baby right now."

"Right, yeah... sure. I get it. You're a dancer and like, that means you need to be physically active," he nodded along as he made sense of the situation. "But, don't you think you could get back to it once the baby is born? Harry will be there to help you. Mia and I will be here to help you. Yours and Harry's families will be there, too. Other friends... you wouldn't be alone."

"If I... well, if I had this baby I'm not sure how I could ever go back to dancing. I don't want to pass my kid down to family and friends. I'd want to be in their life, you know. I don't know. I'm scared."

"The best thing would be to talk to Harry. See what he has to say..."

"Oh, not many nice things," I said right away. The voicemail messages came rushing back to me and I had to quickly look around the room to make sure my mind drifted away from them.

"I'm gonna talk to him about it. See where his head's at. If you ended up on my couch, crying over the simple thought of him, there must be something else going on."

"Don't side with me," the words quickly ran past my lips. "Side with him. You're his best friend. The one he had known for so long. I know he... I know he hurt me and stuff but I don't want to make him hate me more. If he found out his best mate didn't take his side, I-, I'm not sure how he'd take that on top of his fiancé's distaste towards children."

"Damn. Okay. Sure. You have a point," he agreed. "Right. I'm glad you could find it in you to, you know, trust me with this. I know our relationship was never the... best but it's nice to see how we get along."

"Yeah," I nodded with a light smile on my lips. "It is."

*

Needless to mention but I didn't sleep after Aiden left me to go upstairs. I felt better after I talked to him just like I had after my heartfelt conversation with Mia. It was good to speak to someone about it, no matter how much distaste built up in me whenever the thought of sharing private things with others came to mind. I have had a fair share of therapy sessions in my life and they were very useful although at the start it was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. With time, I got used to it and appreciated it.

A yawn escaped my lips as my hand covered my mouth and the warm breath covered my skin. Everyone was up – well, Mia had to be, she had work. That woke Aiden up. He apparently had a bad jetlag so couldn't really sleep. They both told me I could stay for as long as I wanted because I was not in the way and Mia would have rather me stay than go home and argue with Harry. She said no matter how early it is in my pregnancy, there should be little to no stress on me because it's not good for me or the baby. I didn't find it in me to argue with her, I just agreed.

Once Mia left, it was just her boyfriend and I. My stomach grumbled from hunger and it caught the man's attention. We both laughed when his did the same and he brought up the idea how we should go out for breakfast. There was a Wetherspoons nearby and since it was still quite early, they still had the breakfast menu out.

"Not to bring up the subject, because like, I know it's touchy and stuff, but does Harry know where you are?" he questioned as he cut up his sausage. "Surely, he'd want to know where you and the baby are."

"Yeah... um, he does want to know," I nodded along. The beans in my mouth with the warm, buttery toast tasted amazing and I wished Aiden wouldn't have initiated this conversation. Then again, it kind of felt like I've owed him since he insisted on paying. "He was very... blunt, in the messages he left me and it just discouraged me to even want to get in contact with him."

"Is that why you were in tears last night?"

I nodded as confirmation. "Yeah."

After that, he dropped the topic and his name and we chatted about random things. Like how nice the food was and how neither of us had it in a really long time. After we were done, we walked back home – well, to his and Mia's place. It was a nice day. Definitely cold but it was really nice. There was no wind or rain.

"Oh, no," I muttered mainly to myself as we turned in the street and walked far enough to be able to see the car parked in front of the house. It wasn't Mia's car or any of the neighbours'. Oh no. It was one I knew very well and have had the privilege of driving before.

"What's up?" Aiden asked as he looked up from his phone. He only glanced ahead of him before he gave me his full attention. My eyes were focused on the black car ahead of us which made him look that way as well. It had taken him a little bit to actually come to terms with what was happening. "What is he doing here?"

"Most likely wanted to chat to his best mate about the situation," I told him. He hummed as he agreed. God, why did our best friends have to be together? I really couldn't escape him.

"Well, what do you want to do?" he questioned. "We could turn back and go somewhere else."

"No. I don't want him to have no one to talk to and you said you'll have a chat with him, anyway."

"But you don't necessarily want to see him."

"It's not that... I'm just-, I don't want him to flip on me, you know? He didn't talk to me once we were told about the baby and when he did, it was through phone and he didn't sound happy and... oh my god. He just got out of the car. What am I going to do?" my voice showed just how panicked I was. And that never happened when it came to Harry. Not in this way, anyway.

I was never scared of him before.

"Hey, calm down," he walked in front of me and cut my vision off. His hands were on my shoulders as he grabbed my attention. "That's the same Harry you know and love. He was in an off mood, like you, for reasons, like you. It's fine – everything's fine. He is not going to flip on you," Aiden tried to calm me down as he kept his voice soft and gentle.

"He hates me and he is only here to see you-,"

"Alright. Shut up, woman," he told me off. "He loves you and yes, he might be here to see me but once he'll know you're here too, he'll be more interested in you."

I was torn. I didn't have that positive mindset. Not after Harry's angry outburst. I knew I could have blamed it on the alcohol he consumed last night but he never ever reacted like that before. And that was what scared me. That was why I was scared of him.

And I hated that.

**

a.n.

so about this baby. they really need to talk hdjdhfjdfdf also, in my head, all of this went down so differently idk why i couldn't get it onto a word document but whatever

hope yous enjoyed and ohmygod don't forget to check out my NEW book : fight for control!! it's a ceo harry book but the girl's a ceo too so it's all fun and fresh xx