Walang emosyon lang akong nanonood sa kanya. Wala naman din siyang pakealam kahit nagbibihis siya sa harap ko na palagi niyang ginagawa bago niya ako samahan maglakad pauwi samin. In fact, tinatagalan niya pa na walang suot lalo na kapag kakatapos lang ng P.E. para siguro magpa impress sakin.

Huli niyang hinubad ang plain white shirt at bumaling sakin. Umangat ang kilay ko. "You like what you see?" His smirk was enough evidence of his confidence.

My expression didn't change. I didn't bother speaking. My bored eyes will always speak before my mouth does.

Napabuga siya ng hangin. "Kung hindi ka natutuwa sakin, wag mo nalang ako tignan at kausapin." Umingos pa siya at dinampot ang pampalit na shirt.

"Ayoko lang na malandi ka."

His lips pursed a little. Nakita ko ang saglit na pag-irap niya bago niya isuot ang shirt. "Kahit na. Hindi mo pa rin ako gusto sa pinapakita mo."

"Kelan ko sinabing gusto kita?"

Huli niyang sinuot ang hooded jacket. "Gusto bilang tao, hindi gusto na 'gusto' talaga." May pait sa tono niya kaya nawawalan ako ng amor sumagot pabalik.

Sinakbit niya ang bag sa isang balikat at naglakad sa gilid ko para kunin ang bag ko para isakbit sa kabila.

"Ayaw mo ba ako kausap?" Kumintab ang mata nito. Maigi ko tinignan kung luha ba 'yon o muta lang.

He avoided my gaze. "Tara na."

Sumunod ako sa paglalakad niya. He's barely like this. Madalas pinapantayan niya lang yung pinapakita ko pero may mga pagkakataon na parang kaya niya ipakita sakin lahat ng kahinaan niya.

He's way more vulnerable than me. I sometimes hear people talk about his composure. Palaging alam ang gagawin. Palaging collected. Sinong naloko niya? Hindi ko nga lang pinapansin nang ayos, paiyak na siya.

And when he's like this, I adjust. Iniisip ko nalang na napapagod rin siya magpanggap na matapang sa harap ko. It's my fault he's like this. Kasalanan ko na nahihirapan siya sa ugali ko.

"I like you sometimes," I whispered.

"Pinagsasabi mo?"

Pumantay ako sa paglalakad niya kasi palagi siya nasa huli ko. Palagi lang nakatingin sakin.

"Minsan, gusto kita." I repeated louder.

He remained silent. I bit my lip. Is he just testing me or he's tired of my bulls? No one knows. I wouldn't know because I won't ask him. Never.

I glanced at the stars above. Masyadong madilim para makita niya na nag-aalala ako sa pinapakita niya sakin ngayon. Masyado ring maingay ang kuliglig para marinig niya na hinihingal na ako sa paglalakad niya ng mabilis.

"Kapag masigla ka, nagugustuhan kita." Tumingala ako sa kanya.

He halted. Bumaba ang tingin sakin. My mouth gapes to catch my breath. "Bagalan mo lang maglakad." I finally said kasi ang tagal niyang nakatingin lang.

Naningkit ang mata niya sakin. Wala pa ring sinasabi na kahit ano. Ang ganda ng tama ng streetlight sa muka niya, parang gusto ko libanin yung harang na ginawa ko para samin.

"Kapag malungkot ako, hindi mo na ako gusto?"

Gusto ko nalang kunin ang bag ko sa kanya at umatras. Mas okay pa umuwi mag-isa sa gitna ng dilim kesa sagutin ang tanong niya.

"Yung gusto ba na 'gusto' or-"

"As a person nga lang."

I bit my lip. "Pero parang hindi ka kasi ganyan mag-isip tapos-"

"Whatever it is that you mean when you say 'gusto'." Tumaas ng konti ang boses niya. He heaved a deep breath before his voice lowered. "Do you hate me when I'm like this?" He whispered.

Napapikit ako. I didn't ready myself enough. Hindi ko akalain na magiging ganito siya ngayon. How can a highschooler speak like this? Masyadong mataas ang tingin niya sakin para itanong yan.

"Winona." Malambot ang boses niya.

Nagmulat ako. My heart ached when I saw the vulnerability in his eyes. I braced myself for a huge blow of words.

"I don't hate you." I finally said.

I hoped it was enough to make him stop. Stop asking questions so I can stop giving hope.

"Never," I added and gave a small smile. "Keep it in your small brain para hindi ka tanong nang tanong."

He still looked confused. It's hard to make him understand I'm just protecting himself from being hurt. Natanggap ko nang masyado na kaming malapit but we shouldn't take another step nearer kasi alam kong hindi na niya kakayanin.

I hope the universe can give me enough strength to deal with him. At the back of my mind, I hope I wasn't born to resist a love as pure as this.

"But you don't act like it." Parang batang tanong niya.

"It's a facade, Hendrix. Not everything you see is true. Not everything I tell you is true either. I lie. A lot of lies just to keep us going like this. Para sayo at para sakin."

"Ano nalang paniniwalaan ko?"

I pointed my heart. "This."

Umiling siya. "That doesn't work with you. Masyado kang manhid para dyan."

I laughed. A laugh that covered the whole highway. I felt it vibrate through my body for a good 30 seconds before I cupped his face with my cold hands.

I gently pinched his cheeks and kept my hands there "Alam ko ang ginagawa ko. Alam ko ang nararamdaman ko at nararamdaman mo. You don't need words to converse with me, Hendrix. It's the same as you don't need my words to understand how I truly feel. Trust your guts. Trust me that I'm in control of us. It's the last and best thing I can give you."

Bumitaw ako at nagsimula na uli maglakad. Masyado nang madilim para maglakad siya pauwi. Mukang magpapasundo na naman siya sa bahay namin.

"That's the best deal you can give?"

I smiled at myself. Gosh, I'm smiling too much tonight. "Yes."

"You're still confusing. What if I have a hunch that you're feeling," He paused. "What if I feel like you like me? I mean like you just... I mean just kinda? Sometimes, just kinda kinda like me not just as a person but as a man?"

His rattling is on my list of One Of My Favourite Entertainment in my journal.

"Okay?"

"Then is it true? Just because I felt like that? It means it's true, right? Because I felt it? How long am I supposed to follow that rule? Is this for a lifetime since you said it's the last and best thing you can offer? But you have years ahead of you. So, do I just settle with you like this? Winona?"

"No, actually I want you to have a completely different life than this in the future. A family."

"That you're not a part of?"

I swallowed the lump in my throat. Thank universe it's too dark. "Yes. A family I'm not part of is better."

He hummed. "But this is a good deal also." Good. He's back with his yapping self. "Sometimes, I wonder if there will be a better brat with good tits, interesting, and intelligent woman than you. I feel like I'm not for those shiny women. I have a rough personality. But I also feel like things are just better if known, you know? If it's out there. Felt. Seen. Reciprocated."

"Not for me."

He shrugged. "My feelings say I should just have to agree with you."

"To get a family I'm not part of?"

"To believe that the best thing you can offer is the best thing for me. My feelings say that I should just let you handle me."

I once again glanced at the stars I would soon be part of. At least, there's one dumb person to ever trust me like this with his future.