!!!!  TRIGGER WARNING !!!!

s*lf-h*rm, p*nic attack, slight dissociation

the only important plot point that happens in this chapter is that remus has a danger night and james helps him through it.  sirius isnt there for him.  

PLEASE SKIP IF YOU WILL GET TRIGGERED!!!

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After that night that Remus and Sirius cuddled, Sirius begins to distance himself from Remus. He doesn't know what he's done wrong, but every time he asks, Sirius just says he's busy.

Too busy to talk to Remus, apparently, but he has time to figure out exactly when and where he can and can't be in order to avoid Remus. It's extremely hard to avoid a boy that you literally live with, but Sirius Black stuns and amazes the world yet again by achieving this feat.

This manages to backfire on Sirius majorly.

It's a few days before the full moon, and Remus' nerves are particularly bad. That, on top of the stressful Sirius situation, and the recent conflicts with Snivellus, have taken their toll on Remus because he begins to spiral.

At first, he doesn't even really notice it. He's just sitting on the bay windowsill of their dorm, smoking a fag to try to calm down. James made the rule that he can smoke but he's got to have the window open to do it, so the cool fall breeze is floating through the room.

But Remus can't feel it.

Because quite suddenly he realizes that all he can feel is the smoke floating into his lungs and then back up his throat, rolling over his tongue and out of his mouth. And he takes the fag of from between his lips as he feels his breathing get faster.

He's blinking,

blinking,

blinking.

Is he blinking

or is reality fading in and out?

When did he start rocking?

He feels an enormous amount of thoughts crash down on his mind, everything all at once.

Sirius hates you. Does Sirius hate you? What would happen if he hated you? How much do you care about Sirius? Does Sirius even matter? You can lose him. You can stand to lose him, he's only a friend.

But the thought of Sirius Black no longer being in his life makes him choke, and he drops his cigarette on the windowsill. He feels the hair stick up all over his body as he shudders.

He's shaking.

He can feel himself rocking faster.

There's so much,

so much,

so many thoughts,

so many,

so many.

It won't stop.

It won't be quiet,

he can't make it quiet.

And then he gets a whiff of the fag resting on the sill next to him, and he only has one thought. He gets the fag between his two fingers and stares at it numbly.

He's rocking,

rocking back and forth,

back and forth,

back and forth...

He wants the thoughts to stop, the tears to stop, when did the tears start falling? And he rolls up his sleeve and holds out his arm, and he drags the lit end of the fag across his inner arm before he can stop himself.

The pain sears through him. Every thought in his mind comes to a screeching halt, and all he can think of is pain. He curls into this pain and more tears fall, but this time because of the intense hurt. He can feel the fire inside his cells, and somewhere in his mind he entertains the thought of rushing to the bathroom and sticking his arm under cold water, but he doesn't. He needs the pain, or else he'll keep thinking and when he's thinking-

He halts that train of thought by stabbing the lighted fag back onto his skin. Just below his inner elbow this time.

One more time, he thinks. Just one more time and then the pain will stop...

He drags the fag across his skin again.

And again.

And again.

And again.

He keeps burning himself until he hears the door open and drops the fag in surprise.

Please let it be Sirius, I just want to be in Sirius' arms again, please let it be Sirius, I need Sirius, I need...

"Moony?" James' fear-filled voice rings through the dorm. He's caught Remus self-harming before and instantly knows what to do.

"Oh Moony, here... you'll be okay, just focus on my voice, listen, we're gonna go to the loo, okay? Up you go, there you are, now let's walk, come on, hand on my shoulder, yep, leave the fag... there you are. Let's get that under some cold water..."

Remus doesn't even know what's happening until James gently guides his forearm under the stream of cold water, and it shocks Remus back to the present.

Suddenly he sobbing, his arm hurts so bad, oh god what has he done, he can't keep doing this, he can't, he's in so much pain...

Remus lets all the thoughts he was having overcome him and drowns in the pain, physical and emotional. James just keeps his arm around him, one hand rubbing his shoulder warmly and the other keeping Remus' forearm firmly under the stream of water. They stay like this until Remus' arm is so cold he can't feel it.

James convinces Remus to see Madam Pomfrey because she can do some healing spells that James doesn't know. As they're leaving, they pass Sirius coming up the stairs.

Sirius' first mistake is stopping and staring.

His eyes widen, and he opens his mouth in a silent question as to what happened, because Remus is still crying and James is still supporting him. But the look James shoots him tells him that they'll talk about it later.

Sirius' second mistake is reaching out to touch Remus' shoulder comfortingly. Remus shrinks away from his tough like lightning. Sirius pulls his hand back and blinks as his eyes become glassy. He walks away without a word.

In the hospital wing, Madam Pomfrey takes one look at the pair of boys and immediately knows what's happened. She ushers them to Remus' usual bed, in the back corner of the long room. She performs spells as Remus cries into James' shoulder and the latter explains what happened in a hushed voice.

Remus stays the night in the hospital wing after Madam Pomfrey gives him various sleeping draughts and anti-anxiety potions. When he wakes up, he won't feel the feelings from the night before, and he's excused from all his classes for the next day.

"Sleep well, Moony," is the last thing Remus hears before he drifts into a dreamless, peaceful sleep.