Author: Sky_Swift
Genre: Fantasy
Parts: 43 including A/N and Cast Members
Reviewed by PawnofHell

I've read 8 random parts of your story including the climax (which you have presented to me), the author's note and the cast members.

•| Cover
It is simple. The color scheme isn't vibrant and crispy, in other words, it looked smooth. It's more like a color combination of pale yellow, white and brown which is also an advantage because it doesn't hurt the eyes. The effect of the fonts used is also fantasy-like and is not like those of manipulated book covers... which is definitely good.

However, the PEN isn't emphasized at the cover which for me, should have given more focus. It was just in the bottom, almost not visible.

And lastly, the stickers are huge enough to occupy too much space. It doesn't look good.

•| Title
It is simple. Pen+fantastic, is obviously, Pentastic. The title of the story says it all. I can't find any hidden meaning from it so it's kind of... predictable.

But, it is simple enough to let others know what it really meant. It also sounded 'cute' because of the author's own kind of creativity. Artistic enough to play with words and create a product which is very light and pleasant to the ears.

•| Blurb
The blurb has no relation to the title and the PEN. It just simply explained the twist on the main character's life, nothing more. There is no conflict too or even something engaging. As a matter of fact, it is not convincing.

•| Prologue/Teaser/Introduction

The intro is short and cliche.
It didn't reveal any significant part of the whole story, too. It was too boring that it looked useless and felt like it has nothing to do with the plot. Very bad start.

Introductions should always be engaging. It is like the first step of the ladder. If the first step isn't weak and is very well constructed, then the people would trust that ladder and would continue walking until the end. So, if you have a bad start, then the people would think that the whole journey would be bad.

In other words, every starting point affects the entirety. First impression lasts.

•| Grammar/punctuations/writing skills

I have noticed so many errors.

1. Shortcuts and interchanging vowels, from O to U, then I to E.
(These words are from your first chapter only.)

*neto ~ nito
*anuman ~ ano man
*anu-ano ~ ano-ano
*sakin/saking ~ sa akin, sa'kin
*nyo ~ niyo/n'yo
*yun ~ iyon/'yon
*ganun ~ ganoon/gano'n
*dyan ~ diyan/d'yan

Tip:
To be able to get used in proper shortcuts of Filipino terms, practice through text messages or chatboxes and converse with your friends FORMALLY, not in a usual way. Always observe correct spellings and  punctuations, too. This helps you avoid typographies and technical errors, most especially when the author uses mobile phone in writing updates. Try it and you'll see how it works.

2. Sound effects.

The photo below shows how the use of sound effects would be bad, most especially when not used properly.

The sound effect is long enough to sound like a slap right into the face.
It leaves confusion.
This is one of the reasons why sound effects are not that helpful.

3. Prolonged words.

There are too much prolonged words which makes the dialogues surreal, and it's bothersome.

4. Proper Capitalizations

I don't think I should elaborate this any further. This one is basic.

5. Misspelled words

You're/You are is different from Your.
Your is obviously a possessive pronoun which shows ownership.

E.g.
Is this your book?

Nang and ng is also different.

Nang:
>Used when linking two repeating verbs.

[Sayaw(verb) nang sayaw(verb) si Eros.]

>Used when linking a verb and an adverb.

[Nagdasal(verb) nang taimtim(adverb) si Nexus.]

[Tuluyan(adverb) nang kumawala(verb) ang luhang kanina ko pa pinipigilan sa pagpatak.]

>When linking two clauses and used as start of the dependent clause.

[Natutulog na ang mga bata (independent clause) nang dumating ang kanilang mga magulang. (dependent clause)]

Ng:
>Used to show ownership.

[Ang girlfriend ng kapatid ko ay maganda.]

>Used to link verbs and the doer/actor when the subject is the receiver.

[Pinagalitan(verb) ng principal(doer) si Nexus.(receiver)]

6. Numbers

Single digit numbers, when used as QUANTITIES, are always spelled out. 10 and above are written in symbols.

E.g
I have four apples.
(Meron akong apat na mansanas.)
I have 11 photo albums.
(Meron akong 11 photo albums.)

*******
You have a very good grammar. You also have a wide range of Filipino Vocabulary and can manage to switch in English when needed, flawlessly. You also have good choice of words, I haven't noticed any redundancy because of the different words you are able to pull out of your pocket.

Writing Skills? Yes, you surely have the talent. You are able to add a lot of details which makes the scenes realistic.

However, there are times by which you put unnecessary details and scenes, and because of that, the development of the story is very slow. Beware on that.

•| Plot

Your plot is quite unique and creative from all the other fantasy stories I've read. Your setting is located on the real world, which is very rare because it's hard to pull that off successfully.

However, like what I have told you, your plot is dragging. The progress seems too slow that it would annoy the readers. Why is it slow? It's because of too much informations, unnecessary ones. You keep on narrating events that has nothing to do with the whole plot.

Just like this (Chapter 3):

As you can see, fast paced narrations like this makes a story boring. It is not even necessary and helpful. It  became an obstruction to the good flow of the story. I strongly suggest that you avoid narrations like that.

You could have used marks and moved forward into a much more important scenes, or could have narrated it in a shorter way.

Let's reverse those lines from bottom to top.

--------
Agad akong napatayo nang marinig ko ang malakas na tunog ng bell. Sa wakas! Tapos na rin ang huling klase para sa araw na ito!

Masyado na rin kasing matagal ang paghihintay ko lalo na't wala namang masyadong nangyaring kakaiba buong araw. Isa na namang napaka-boring na first day of school. Ano pa nga ba?
--------

It is short yet complete. The emotions are there, too. You can feel the excitement and the boredom of the character by just the way she simply narrates.

I also looked for the climax, and you told me it was Chapter 33. So I visited it and literally laughed after reading it. Lol, it was just a conflict! And little conflicts should sometimes happen to help build the characters. That wasn't a climax at all. You should have created a climax which surely affects the personality of the main character as well as the supporting ones.

•| Breath/Tone and Narration/Dialogue

What's good about your story is the tone of the characters. They are distinct with each other and you can easily distinguish who's in motion or who's talking. Which makes them able to breathe.

But ofcourse, you have errors in Narration, too.

1. Abrupt change of POV. (From first person's to something mixed.)

She's obviously at the street asking for help here.

But I was shocked after reading these following lines.

Seriously? How did she know what was happening inside their house?
It was like a mixture of first person's and third person's POV.

Keep in mind that,

>First Person's POV
Uses pronouns such as ako, kami, ko, akin, amin, and any pronoun related to the narrator or the character speaking. They are only aware of the events that are happening around them, visible to their eyes.

>Second Person's POV
Uses pronouns like you, yours, and any pronoun related to the reader.
(Not used in stories)

>Third Person's POV
Uses pronouns like siya, kaniya, kanila, sila, and any pronoun related to the characters in motion. Basically knows and sees everything.

2. Narrator's thoughts

These thoughts are unnecessary, they're just disturbance to a good flow of the story.

And lastly, about the dialogues. I have noticed some conversations that are useless which should be omitted.

I have noticed contradicting dialogues, too.
E.g

She's talking to her mom.
She said 'pasuyo' so it's a favor.
But, I have noticed this word 'Bilis!' which is definitely a command, so it's contradicting.

But there's this one dialogue which I liked the most,

Yes, it is known for a fact that fantasies are limitless. However, to make it more realistic, you need to put a barrier and limit this so-called magic. Why? Those limits will give you opportunities to create small conflicts. Limited magic/power will give your story a chance to create a mind-blowing climax.

So this line, use this to create one hell of a good momentum.

•| Characters
I have seen your VIEW CAST MEMBERS part and I am suggesting you to delete that. That was not helping at all. It'll just leave a big question mark into your readers' minds.

Look, these pictures is a good evidence which seems to suggest that your characters ain't true, and you yourself is even confused by your own creation.

The name itself and her self-introduction shouts that she's a pure/half-blooded Japanese. But what's confusing here is the picture used as face claim. She's a hundred percent Korean, and even described herself as CHINITA. Eh? I really don't get it. This is bad. I have also noticed that you used Koreans, and then at the bottom of the page, used American idols, too. Eh? Is this some kind of UN?

Note that,
You shouldn't be too generous. I know you just provided those pictures to provide your readers a good image of your characters.

However, because of that, you just spoiled the thrill and there's no excitement left. Let your readers imagine the face of the character which you, yourself, have drawn. Let them imagine the way you described their faces and actions.

I have noticed that you also don't know how to end your chapters with cliffhangers. Don't be too generous to be spoon-feeding them. Sometimes, good authors torture the minds of their readers because of their stories' cliffhangers.

•| Good points

Grammar
Detailed Narration
Good choice of words
Imaginable Scenes

•| Bad Points

Bad Introduction
Punctuations
Technicalities
Confusing Point of Views

•| Overall Feel/Suggestions
Just edit your story and proofread again and again. I have pointed out the problems already so it's your job to fix them now.

•| Is it something to be read of?
Yes, ofcourse.

•| Scale of 1-10 (why the score)
7. The story is good, but still needs a lot of improvement to be better.

•| Diagnosis
Let's just say that... you are a drawing in a canvas. You've drawn your story through a pencil, so any mistake can still be erased or changed. However, this drawing still needs colors to be attractive. So that's what you are going to do. Erase the mistakes and add colors to your story. Keep writing.

-PawnofHell