Author: SphericalEmpire
Genre: Fantasy
Parts: 8
Critique by: NexusGriffith

So... sinong naka-miss sa mga mura ko--- este sa'kin? Hindi ko 'to itutuloy kung hindi niyo ko na-miss! Hahahaha syempre joke lang. Eto na.

Cover-
Okay, maganda siya, attractive. Hindi gano'n ka-refreshing sa mata pero hindi rin gano'n kasakit tignan. Mood- Winter/Cold Blue.

Yep, maganda, pero hindi siya 'yong tipo ng book cover na gagamitin ko para sa isang fantasy story; this is not my type, hindi classy. Pero syempre, hindi ko pa rin babawiin ang sinabi ko, this is way better than those other fantasy covers na talaga namang kasumpa-sumpa.

Aaaaand congrats! Hindi ka nan-torture ng mukha ng Koreana. hahahaha naks ang bait mo naman. Salute.

Title-
*walang katapusang tawa*

Oh really?

Encantacia Academy:
The Book of Portea.

*binasa ulit*
*mas lalong natawa*

Shiyeeet. Wala na bang iba? Sunod na sunod sa format o:

____ Academy : The _____ of _____

Fill in the blanks ba 'to?

Wala man lang dinagdag na kakaiba, or hindi man lang kinulayan para sana gumanda. Para ka lang nangopya ng maling sagot sa isang exam.

Cliché. Isa lang ito sa libo-libong academy stories na naglipana sa mundo ng Filipino Wattpad. Sa tingin mo ba, kung makikisakay ka sa trip ng nakararami, magsa-stand out ka? I don't think so. Unless, you have a good back up, the blurb, na sana naman eh unique di ba?

Lastly, the Book of Portea tells a lot about the plot. Not creative enough.

Portea means port, right? If not, then you can defend here :) Enlighten me.

Blurb-

1. First phrase, She is Xianara May Gonzalo.

Kulang ang thought. 'She' is a pronoun, ibig sabihin, you are pertaining to someone introduced ahead. But you didn't, you started your blurb with that phrase. You can use that of course, but you need to introduce someone first, to answer the question 'who is she?'

Example:

A lass stumbled in an out of the norm adventure will live the life according to the book.

She is Xianara blahblahblah.

2. You're putting unnecessary information. Nilalagay mo sa sariling piligro ang story mo. Who cares kung isa na naman itong Cinderella story? Real life, huh? Para mo na ring sinabing isa lang itong fanfiction, or worse masyado ka lang talagang tamad para gumawa ng sariling character kaya ginamit mo na lang si Cinderella at bininyagan bilang si Xianara. You know what to do with this.

3. Enumeration. 'Yong totoo, exam ba 'to? Obvious naman 'di ba? This is a fantasy story! Kailangan mo pa bang paulit-ulitin sa'min 'yon? Magic, adventure, fantasy and so on. Anong akala mo sa readers mo, bobo? Tell us something we don't know.

4. Transition between English and Filipino. Nah, you were not able to pull it off flawlessly. You sounded so conyo right there, hindi komportable basahin.

Kung hindi mo kayang magpaka-two-timer para pagsabayin sila, magpaka-loyal ka na lang sa isa. You choose, saan ka mas komportable, sa English or Filipino?

You can ask Kuya Eros for advises kung paano mang two-time na walang sabit, hahaha char!

Hi pala sa nag-explain kung anong meaning ng char hahaha shiyet.

5. Kinginaaaaaa (sorry, totoong mura na 'to.)

Anong ginagawa ng linya ng kantang 'yan sa baba? Seryoso ka? Naliligaw oh, anong kinalaman niyan sa plot ng kuwento mo? Isa pa, hindi lahat ng readers ng story mo, eh gusto ang kantang 'yan.

Question: Ano ba ang target market mo? Mga fans lang ng kantang 'yan? Aba kung gano'n pala, eh 'di hindi ko na lang babasahin 'yan.

Alisin mo ang pagiging fan girl kapag nagsusulat ka, lalo na kung nuisance lang 'yan sa image ng story mo. Fantasy tapos gan'yan ang bagsakan? Oh, you got to be kidding me.

6. Kasing cliché ng title. Mas lalong bumaba expectations ko sa story mo.

7. You know how to write a blurb, hindi mo lang alam ang structure. Now, if you want to have an idea, go and read Kuya Augmen's suggestion in his review (She's an Alien).

Another suggestion:
Download the PDF file of
Write A Killer Blurb Workbook by Emily Craven. Her workbook includes the right mindset in writing the blurb and the following parts needed to make it, if not perfect, at least good;

The tagline
*describe your book in more or less 7 words

The hook
*a distinctive line from your story, more or less 25 words

The blurb
*your last chance to grab your readers interest, more or less 150 words.

Go and follow my suggestion if you want to learn more. It is one of the most informative articles about writing a blurb that I've read so far. You can search and download it on Google, lalabas din naman 'yan. I don't have a link so, sorry.

Prologue-
Wala akong masyadong problema sa prologue mo. Kaya lang Lola Bashang type of story pala ito.

Syempre may mga details pa rin na sumemplang at nag back flip lol.

Aba! Conyo rin pala si aleng 40+ ang edad. At hindi tunog 'urban legend' ang The Book of Portea ah. As for me, hindi engaging pakinggan, medyo off, hindi bagay.

Technicalities:
*Sentence construction
*Okay isn't okey.
*nang
*shortcuts
*the use of period instead of commas;

Commas are used for dialogue tag.
"I'm fine,"she answered.-dialogue tag.

Periods are for action tags
"I'm fine." She looked at me and smiled. -action tag.

action tag- She sighed, "I'm fine."

You're prologue ends with the storytelling. Lola Bashang it is.

Grammar/Punctuation/Writing Skill-
You have a very good grammar, iwasan lang talaga ang pagiging conyo, too bothersome.

Punctuations- got not much problem here. Very minimal.

Writing skill- you have it dear, you have it.

Plot-
Walang consistency, minsan fast paced, minsan slow, minsan dragging. It's just...too boring. I find it really difficult to read. Hindi ko ma-enjoy.

Your plot might not be cliche, but still, it isn't promising enough. Again, boring. This type of plot makes me want to drop my phone and just indulge myself into my own Milkita moments instead.

Narration-
I already told you this. Your narration is poor and somehow lacks important events. This may lead to dragging issues because you keep on storytelling events which are not important. Napakaraming pampagulo, 'yong tipong parang siningit lang para humaba ang chapter. Tamad na tamad mag-isip? Well, hindi siya nakakatulong sa progress ng story mo. Nagiging hindrance sa magandang flow sana. Andami pang chechebureche, eh hindi naman effective.

Dialogues-

Hindi ako manhid, pero kahit anong gawin ko hindi ko maramdaman ang lungkot sa flashback part na'to. Walang gaanong emosyon oh! Rephrase this, kapag malungkot ka na.

Kung gusto mong maging malungkot, PM mo 'ko. Paiiyakin kita haha lol.

This 👆 whole thing... is so corny.

Pero mas corny 'to langya. 'So here's the plan.'? Seryoso ka? Biglang bumagsak ang momentum oh. Takot na takot tas biglang ganyan. CORNY!

I stopped reading your story very early. Why? Because of this. Chapter 1 pa lang gusto ko nang bitawan. Pero dahil kailangan kong magcritic, kinailangan kong tusukin mata ko para hindi antukin. At congrats sa'kin, nakaabot ako sa kalagitnaan ng chapter 2 hahaha!

Characters-
Walang pagkakaiba. Wala akong naalala ni isa man lang sa mga characters na nabanggit mo. Hindi rin clear ang image. Walang description. Pare-pareho ang tono at way ng pananalita- conyo. You have no character build-up. Kasi naman, they are all numb... and impossible. Hindi sila nag-eexist. Wala talaga.

Suggestion:
I have this application downloaded from Playstore. It's a character planner. Install it. It will surely help.

Strong Point-
You are already good as a writer. You surely have the talent. Kulang ka lang talaga sa research. You need to know a lot, okay?

Bad Point-
I've pointed them out already. I don't have to repeat them, right? Paulit-ulit eh.

Suggestions-
Kulang pa. This is not the type of story that would rock your target market. Nasabi ko na mga suggestions ko.

Score-
4. Edit your story as soon as you have the time. Magaling ka, I can feel it.

Yes, it is something to be read of. KUNG GUSTO MONG ANTUKIN😉.

'Yon lang, thanks. Pasensya na, 'yan lang nakayanan ko.

Yours truly,
Char--- este Nexus.