What do you search on that whiteness of the paper?
Just some evanished deep silence of lifetime?

Gayatri had her eyes intact somewhere and her mind too. Her lower lip was between her incisors and her fuller cheeks, were damped. Deep emotions stirs with no other outlet but through her eyes. Tears split down into rivers, which flowed through her chestnut orbs.

Life's so mean. Too much... for words!! Her mind and heart voiced out.

It was in the early morning when Gayatri came into her room, after breakfast. Much to her restrain, she had felt disturbed from past few days. Although, she had left the contention happened between her and Raghav, days ago yet his face would remind her of it. Almost everyday.

His words seemed that he almost hated her. And..hate was a big word.

It’s not that, she was hanker after him, but days later, some nagging thoughts came running down, leaving her worried for the relationship she was in. She needed to think about it.

Well moving on to the morning incident, when she struggled to unlatch the door of almirah, with a jolt it was wide open, after struggling for sometime. To her surprise, a diary tumbled down her feet. Holding it in  her hands, all she could do was turn the pages of that diary and come across a crumpled paper.

Dear Gauri.

The words, she read and known for years, had caught her on the wrong foot, again. Those words had voices which were glossed over by the ruthless world, it seemed.
Suddenly caught in the memories of her life, she walked and flumped into the bed.
The scenarios she hated-loved, flashed like a strong dazzle into her mind. Her grip on the written paper grew stronger and sooner, she felt down into the mouth. She let out a sigh, as she tried to hold back the gush of emotions. A smile made down on her lips, then. Painful and Remorseful.

An open letter to Gayatri from her. Even after years of bereavement and some ambivalent memories, she still could feel herself yearning for that day. A wish to time travel and change the occurrences of that day. Yet life happened..

She read the letter as if searching for something. Again.

The last words, were enough to satisfy the emotional baggage she was carrying. She was already melancholic and the words made her more doleful. Her bossom buddy’s memories flashed before her. With a guilt-stricken smile,  unknowingly, some tears trickled down grazing her side face, tailling off all the dejection she had lately.

She would always find herself an accuse for Tori’s condition. An event which was enough to take forever to dissolve. Forever.

Her tears and the fan in the room were equalling a constant pace together. There was silence, as she sniffed and tried to hold back her anguish but can someone understand her misery?

Separation.
Isn't that what every human would have to go through? From parents, friends, lovers, wife, children, society and from their own body. One of the unsurpassed truth.
But in their case, Gayatri and Tori, were separated even before the set timeframe of their lives.

Yet what remains in the end are some memories, love and grief. Some stronger sentiments, than the separation itself!

Gayatri had been staring straight at the coarse paper, however she had been engrossed with some deep ruminations. Tapping her feet unconsciously, she had pursed her lips and had hardly blinked. Adrift altogether.

No sooner, a sharp and unexpected voice boomed over the house and she felt a stinging consciousness of her vicinity. As quick as a thunderbolt, she shuddered and stood up. She slipped the letter back into the the diary, not before leaving a last glance at it. The diary was left on the table as she pick up her pace to go out of the room. Already, forgetting that she had to return back to Subhadra, who had been calling her for sometime.

While wiping the tears off her face, her gaze, met Raghav’s who happened to enter the room at the same time. She gave a halt to her steps, before they could dash against each other. He saw her wiping her lachrymose and pink eyed face, keeping her face out of sight from his.

As she tried to walk ahead, he blocked her way. As she tried to move to right, he would do the same. She looked up at him, sniffed and conveyed to move aside, through her orbs. She beheld intense eyes and Raghav’s did notice that.

Passing his tongue over his lips faintly, he frowned a wee bit, thoughtfully. Not finding him giving her the way, she sighed, irkness completely visible across her face and then she had finally pushed him aside, dashing outside the room. A lopsided expression was visible on his face as he peeked at her walking out.

Rolling his eyes, he walked to get his stuffs from the table, when his eyes fell on a photograph lying down on the floor. It took his notice as it came under his foot. Stepping back, he took it in his hands and dusted it off. Looking sideways, he turned the picture.

As he looked at it, no sooner, the lines on his forehead, grew deeper and his eyes became unfocused, as he saw a black and white snapshot.The slightly visible laryngeal prominence in his throat moved, as he gulped down his own saliva, unconsciously.

Raghav’s eyes captured the every nook and corner of the photograph.
It displayed two juvenile girls, sitting under a colossal Banyan Tree. The younger one was carrying a mischievous smile and a trapeze dress adorning her, her hair was left freely with the air. Yet she was taller than the other girl.

A faint smile, made down on his lips as he looked at her.
Without any second thoughts, he did surmised that it was her. The one who still carried that mischievous yet highbrow attitude.

Gayatri a.k.a Gauri.

Moving his gaze, to the other girl, he found her all somber, with a faint, satiny smile. Dressed in a cotton salwaar-kameez, and with slick and well-oiled hair, tied into two braids. A small smile was visible on her swarthy face. All over, she manifested a pristine village girl.

At that instant, Raghav could feel, his eyes holding astonishment and contemplation. He would blink, briskly and tried to dust off the already blemished picture.

Taarika a.k.a Tori, It was!

Raghav could find himself recalling the girl's face as his brows dug deeper.
The image had brought him down to the memory lane, back into his seventeen year old self.

And then, he had to shut his eyes only to dust off the events of the past, which danced before. All unpleasant and distressing.

To him, Gayatri still carried the same look she had then. He saw the same face for which he had felt puppy love, once.
It’s just that, she has grown more graceful, more intellectual, more feminine, more precarious.

A part inside him seemed to appease his soul.

The next girl, he knew was none other than, Tori itself. The girl he searched for like a maniac, the past two years back. The clock struck 8.30 and it was the time, he saw Tori’s face, and he knew he had seen her already, but where? He had no answer.

Raghav squeezed his eyes shut, for some time, again and stood against the almirah. His shoulders slumping down and a huff escaped his mouth.

He faced the window and seemed to be lost nowhere. After sometime, he looked at the image again and contemplated something. His gaze went over the small table, where lied the diary and a slightly emerging out paper, as if inviting him to take it out already.

...and then he gave in to his inquisitiveness.

He knew it. But this curiosity can only bring out great secrets that lied beneath the diary. Before taking it into his hands, he checked of someone's presence, especially Gayatri. He took the letter into his hand but soon halted.

He was intruding into Gayatri’s matters.

A guilt will surely envelop him, if he read that letter. Who asked him to look up into her affairs?
His breathing took up pace.

Dilemma enshroud his psyche and he pursed his lips.

Only once, his mind whispered to him.

But, that once can also cause you a great damage, another impeding thought, striked him.

After being swaddled under the heavy conundrum, he finally unfolded the crumpled paper. His eyes, moved across the letter, a peculiar set of words emerging out of it. Before he could read it completely, his gaze, stopped at the last words. Especially, the one which had caught his attention.

He would blink his eyes, agilely and his breathing took up pace. The lines on his forehead increased and deepened. 
What did he just read?

Caged into curiousity, he decided to read the letter in a go, as if his soul was flickered to know it furthermore but like the mountain is a hurdle to reach the other side of it, so as Gayatri was then.
He sighed as he heard Gayatri’s voice coming closer to their room. Coming out from his daze, before one can say knife, he kept the letter into its former position, trodded and stood in front of the window heaving out a relieved sigh.

“Gayatri, I didn't ask you.
Is everything alright?” Subhadra asked, before Gayatri could enter her room. Raghav didn’t hear her voice and guessed she probably have nodded.

“I've been noticing you for sometime. It doesn't seem so.

Appears as if you cried. Look at your face.” She said and Gayatri felt consciousness engulfing her.

"Uh- No. Nothing! Who said I cried?"
Gayatri let out a fake faint smile.

“I said. Don't fool me, with some silly excuses. I'm well aware of these dramas.
Once, I was also a newbie like you in this family, so you can't escape from me.

Tell me. Did Raghav said something? What happened?” Subhadra enquired Gayatri. Raghav, on the other side, pursed his lips, listening in to their convo.
He played with the window sill with his fingers, yet his mind was drawned towards the ladies' convo. Inquisitiveness at its peak!

“Maa, actually..

Kaki's absence did all this nuisance. Just a while ago, I came across my childhood snapshot with her. So-uh, some memories rushed down my psyche and-" Gayatri paused and sighed.
"I’ve never been away from her since childhood. More than my parents, I used to be with her and, Uhm- I broke down into tears.” She flashed a vague smile, slumping her shoulders and Subhadra patted her cheek slightly. Gayatri saved herself with a perfect alibi for her tears.

“Believe me, R-Raghav said nothing to me. It’s just that absence of Kaki, makes me feel dejected. Don’t worry, I’m fine, now.”

This time, she flashed a full fledged smile and Subhadra nodded, reflecting the same expressions. She cajoled him and hugged her side ways, muttering some sweet nothings.

Whereas, Gayatri’s smile died down as she hugged her, facing the other side.
Kaki’s departure was just the new excuse to hide her tale of continued woe. Though she missed her presence too but Tori’s remembrance was far greater than her, that day.

Raghav’s face was aloof and pensive. His orbs occupied his mind superficially but deep down, he was already deluging with his own rumination.

He could have read out the whole letter but Gayatri’s untimely appearance, had wiped out his plan.

A part inside him seemed to already flicker his soul. As if demanding some unanswered questions of his past!

The letter brought out several thoughts and Gayatri seemed to be the one, hiding all the answers to his questions.  
What bagdgered him were some lines in the end.

Something was needed to be done, no sooner. He realized as the morning sunshine, patted his face.

But... at that moment all he knew was, that he was getting late for his work!

.

.

Don’t forget me, my sakhi!
Come soon in my search.
Hoping to meet you soon, somewhere! Just take me away.

With love,
Tori.

The last lines of the letter held some words.
She was in pool of tears and he had the bundle of questions.
Both had some unheard voices of heart..

.

.

✿✿✿

It was another day when the sun shone with coruscating light. The environ was filled with the freshly brewed cups of tea and some vivers. In the midst, sat Raghav with a wistful mind and a solemn look. His mind was juxtaposing his own words and confrontation. The end of the pen was beneath his lip, and his gaze was severally fixed towards a locus.

The current case was about two families, who ran themselves into a family dispute over a hundred yards of land, which their ancestor had left behind. The same old cliché. The members of the family were complicated, subjected to their mercurial statements.

Human mind is complex. Like Gayatri said, once.

He would wonder why even, everyone was running behind the illusion of this world?

Land, money, and what not, are all worldly desires and still human never leaves a single chance to get his hands on it, either if it is small grain of rice. But in the end, we live in the world and somewhere or the other, each human is bound within it.

A sigh escaped his mouth, and he would ponder over his defendant’s words. Although, the conspiracies within the family was still unknown but a month time was still with him to find the suitable legal procession.
People had the notion that a newbie, who just had 2-3 years of experience, couldn't straighten their legal tangle and Raghav hated that belief, yet some 10-15 years experienced lawyers still considered him a mediocre and inferior, without a proper judgment.

His lower lip was under his upper one. Being so much engrossed within his thoughts, he didn’t hear someone entering his room, until a snap of fingers brought him back.

“Hamsheer!” A quirky voice was enought to shook Raghav, as the pen slipped down from his hand. “Just spare some space for us in your mind. We also exist in the world!” He laughed out and Raghav looked at him incredulous at the person standing in front of him.

He saw him taking a chair and sitting before him, grinning. “What?”

“I wonder what’s the relationship between you and my conscience.” Raghav said, with a smug face.

“Why? Were you missing me?” The man before him enquired, raising his brows.

“Definitely not.

I saw you coming back to work after a good long time and I know that–" Raghav saw him taking the packet of cookies lying before him, which were soon snaffled by the man before him. He crunched with utmost relish as Raghav smirked.

"You know what?" He asked while taking another cookie.

"I knew that when you will enter my cabin, you will gobble down the complete packet of cookies here, which were once supposed to be taken by me."
Raghav said.

"Duh! That's completely your fault, then. Didn't you even notice them lying so.. so.. very uselessly? Atleast give them some consideration, man!" He let out a chortle, followed by munching. Raghav could only let out a faint simper.

Nadish, Raghav’s colleague, and also his childhood pal. There was no trait more attractive than ebullient, that young man had all that and more. Whereas, Raghav has turned to a strong and calmer one but Nadish was quite opposite of him.
A wittier man with full of life.

“So.”  Raghav looked at him, “How's marriage treating you?

I wasn’t expecting you here after one week. Thought you will, at least take a month to absorb this feeling. You were so excited. Right?”

With that Nadish's smile, grew into an appeasing one and he sat more relaxed on his seat, while dusting off his hands. His legs, protruding out, ready to kick Raghav. Raghav let out an amusing expression and took a sip from his, already untouched tea.

“Raghav!!

Marriage is bliss, yaar." He spoke exhilarated and bringing in his hands behind his head. He looked out of the window behind Raghav and seemed to be lost somewhere. A dreamy smile settled on his face and Raghav looked at him, bewildered, while sipping his tea.

“Everything seems to turn out whatever, I ever wished for. Maybe, it’s more than that.” His face turned a wee bit crimson and surprised Raghav, continued to stare at his face, as he took a swig of tea.

“How I wanted my wife to treat me gently, whenever I come back home. How I wanted her to look after me, whenever I feel out of sorts. Whenever, I feel tired, she would gently massage my leg or would treat me with her love.

I tell you Raghav. Marrying Jaya, is my good kismet.
No wonder! What good deed I did in my past, that I got her.
She’s so enchanting. Divine. Lovely.

It feels like, like, Heaven, every day, when I return back home." Nadish said, a smile forming on his lips.

"Hold on.. hold on!
Now, don’t mistake me for a selfish.
I know, she too wants my love in return and.. I see it in her actions, everyday. I don’t want to keep her devoid of anything.” Nadish has turned out to be a love struck boy, alright. His eyes smiled and his lips turned into a joyous beam. Whereas, Raghav couldn’t blink his eyes for once, while in the midst, he had devoured his tea, completely. He expected him to turn out that way. His actions spoke before his marriage yet that appeasing look and love-struck Nadish, still left him surprised. Raghav blinked, finally.

“Raghav.

Every man wants that his wife should also look after his parents and family. But, I tell you, she’s one in all.

God! Can’t express her plaudits into words!” After completing his laudation for his beloved wife, he looked up at Raghav, having high colour to his cheeks. Goggle-eyed, Raghav looked at Nadish and was at loss of words. He tried to speak but stopped.

The newlyweds think that marriage is utterly blissful, but they'll come back to earth soon enough. He thought.

Nadish smiled and sighed, deeply and relieved as if already waiting for days to let his heart out to his dearest friend.

“Hmm.. I see.
She’s totally treating you like a baby, alright.

Tell me one thing, was aunty's love for you and treatment not enough in childhood, that you want your wife to make you feel that again? The age when you should have your own kid?

Poor her. Give her some peace, man!" Raghav enquired him, dumping his tea cup, obscuring a dampened smile. He walked upto the window and stared outside, until he heard a chuckle from his colleague’s side.

“Raghav. Man! Tch. You won't understand!
Call this adulation but.. my mind seems to be somewhere else, nowadays and I already gave my heart to her.” Raghav shook his head, thoughtfully and gazed at him, with raised brows. Though, he didn’t want to sound rude or upset him with his words, but a small banter will do.

“Your mind seems to be lost somewhere?” Raghav asked. Nadish nodded, frowning a bit. “Come here.”

Nadish walked upto him and Raghav looped his hand around his shoulder and asked him to look outside the window. “You see that crossroad?” Nadish nodded and looked at him dazed. “When you will cross it, you will come across a barber shop. Walk six steps and then, turn to your right. Again, you will find an intersection. Just turn towards your left and walk straight until you find a garment shop. Reached there?” A puzzled look crossed his face and he seemed to look where Raghav pointed. “Yeah. After that, Walk 7 steps. You will find a large board hanging over there. You may go and have the check up.” Raghav shrugged and a hint of coltishness was visible on his face.

Nadish blinked briskly and twisted his lips.
"You mean that psychiatrist ward? Don't you?" He asked with a low, angst tone.

“You got it, my boy!" Raghav bobbed his head.
"You are young, married man and now that you have a wife now. Go and have a check up from there. Your life should not have any complications. Advices from true friends shouldn't be ignored!” Raghav pursed his lips to stop his smile, and Nadish’s looks did it more.
He would blink his eyes and with a gaping jaw, he stared at Raghav. Raghav turned to look the other side and grinned, until a light smack came upto him.

“I knew. I knew, you will jeer at me, when I will tell you about how is everything by my side, after all these wedding gala. It’s been just some hours I came back to my workplace, and here I get this type of welcome. Wow!” Nadish spoke, pissed at Raghav.

“So!? You are no celebrity.” Raghav giggled and saw Nadish’s face turning into an embarrassed one. But no sooner, he too joined him and grinned.

“Sorry. Sorry, Nadish.

I didn’t mean to rag you, alright. The way you were excited to get spliced, I feel you actually got a good life partner and I’m happy for you. I’m happy that you are happy.

It’s just that, I thought to prank you. Afterall, it is a friend's duty.” Raghav passed him a gleeful smile and Nadish reflected the same. Moving back to the chair, Raghav looked back to a file kept before him.

“It’s all fine, within us, Raghav. Okay leave that aside.” He chirped out. With a pint-sized, considerable smile on his face, he contorted further and looked at Raghav.

Suddenly, his demeanour held a wee bit of hesitancy and dithering. “Uh.. Raghav, How's Ajit uncle now? Heard that he was down with fever?”

“Yeah fine now.” Nadish knew Raghav’s reserved and remote relation with his father. Who thought that the father who with full of joys of spring had sent his son abroad to study, his son on return will be hostile towards him. Though, he never found any discretion in Raghav’s actions but in his father’s for the switch he was into.

Raghav had his gaze down all the meanwhile.

“And, Aunty? Everyone? How are they?” Nadish’s voice held a sense of ambivalence. His friend nodded, engrossed in his work. Nadish huffed and blinked, fervently.

“And...What about Gayatri?” The name was enough for Raghav to cease his engrossed psyche. Nadish saw the pace with which the pages in his hand, came to a halt and felt as if erred. Raghav pursed his lips, stroked his jawline and seemed to cogitate something.

Stillness seemed to persist for a longer time. No one spoke until, Raghav stood and walked upto the window again. His gaze was severally fixed at a very far distance Nadish on the other side, drummed his finger, while his words seemed to hang about. .

“Raghav. This needs to be stopped. Your aloofness and her reserved attitude. This is creating a rift between both of you.” He let out a solicitous look while Raghav stood unperturbed. The ends of his eyebrows scrunched. “I wonder how perfectly you both managed to act on my wedding reception. But behind your happy-go lucky facades, only I could sense the stand-offish miens you both carry, like everytime.”

The afternoon sunshine was scorching and it peeped through the window. Raghav took his lower lip in between his teeth, and slipped his hand inside his trousers' pocket.

“Raghav, you must be thinking that I’m newly married and is lost into its charms.

But, I tell you I’m not blinded by it. I am aware how different, things are with me and you. The circumstances with you and Gayatri.

But again, I suggest, you should move on. I’m no Roman God of love, neither I'm here to give you lessons on how to have a happy and successful married life. I just.. just want to see you and your woman happy.

Chuck aside, whatever happened in the past. I know it is not easy but you can’t change anything now, except for the present.” Nadish said, keeping his hand on his shoulder in a way to solace him. He looked up at Raghav’s face which seemed almost stoic and phlegmatic. Getting no answers from him, with a dejected sigh, he moved back to his seat.

He was stubborn. Stubborn to even talk about his feelings. Since childhood.

Meanwhile, The clock ticked 4 of evening and the babel of voices continued in the background.

“I wish I could do something but...

We can’t clap with one hand, Nadish.” A deep throaty voice reverberate in the room. His friend looked up at him as he saw Raghav glancing at him, for sometime before averting his eyes.

“I..” He paused and looked up at him, with flickering vulnerability, even though maintaining a poised mein. “What do you want me to say, hun?

We already had discussion about this topic.” Raghav turned to look away and a huff escaped his mouth.

“No! Stop hiding I said. Raghav.
Stop hiding.

You know what.. every time we talk about this topic, you always rebuff my words.

And this approach is seriously not fine, and in turn, you are on the horns of dilemma.” Raghav looked up at vexed Nadish, surprised at his words. “You need to work this out.”

A honed smirk adorned his face, “There’s dichotomy between me and her. I don’t know whether there lies an us.”

“That's all in your mind. Whatever you did, whatever happened with you, is all because of your stubbornness!
If you think there’s no us between you and Gayatri, then why did you marry? What was the need of showing this bravery?” Nadish asked piqued with his statements. Sarcasm was lacing in his tone.

“You already know in what circumstances it held. Why do you want me to repeat that again? It just happened.” Raghav said. His hand already crossed against his torso.

“It just happened. My foot!” Nadish clenched his jaw and an exasperated sigh escaped his mouth, as he slammed his palm on the table before him. “But, now you have the right!? To work out things."

"My brother! What I mean is.. first of all you have to leave that girl behind. Whatever her name was. I wonder why even, you both are connected with her.”

With a displeased face, Raghav looked up at his friend and he let out a sarcastic laugh, “Saying as if, I loved her and I was being a mad searching for her. Nadish! I didn’t even know her, properly.”

“Then why are you even perturbed about this matter?” Nadish spoke out. Raghav seemed to be quiet, then and looked at nowhere in particular. “And about clapping with one hand, you are not looking around you for the hand which is already yours for the asking.

Trust me. If you can try, it will be yours. Moreover, Advices from true friends shouldn't be ignored!"

Raghav looked at him for sometime and then shut his eyes for a moment and looked towards the white ceiling. Leave him aside but could Gayatri understand? How bland his life was, even after having everything. He bit his lips and a frown come about on his stalwart face. Nadish’s eyes was on his face, with concern.
Raghav looked up at him and blinked, with a nod.
He doubted his life. He felt adrift. He felt strange.

“About everything which is concerning you. Try to seek answers for it and dump them aside, as soon as you can. Till when will you live this...devdas' life? Do you love being that?”

With his statement, Raghav seemed flummoxed and speechless, for sometime. Until, his words hit the right cord and he stood up straight.

“Devdas? Man! Stop it, already. Will you?” Nadish’s pensive face, were deliberately shuck, which seemed to nudge Raghav already. Nadish let out a solicitous laugh and looked up at Raghav who took umbrage at his remarks.

“I’m already taken aback with your wonderful speech. You could have become great politician, alright.” Raghav looked at him, intimidatingly and Nadish rolled off his eyes, as he gave an abrupt pause to his laughter.

“Again, you shunned my words?” Nadish asked, nettled. Raghav had busied himself into playing with a paper weight, on his table and the man before him, pursed his lips. Nadish shook his head as he stood up, readjusting his leather belt deciding to leave the room.

Getting no response from Raghav, he turned to walk out only to stop on his tracks.
"Have you ever asked what literally you wanted? Ever heard your voice of heart?"

Nadish asked with a vague smirk, and Raghav paused playing with the paper weight. He looked up at his friend with a questioning look.

"My profession, search for Tori were my heart's voice and my-" Raghav said.

"You are mistaking, that thing in your head with the thing in your chest. Raghav, It is never wrong to think, with that vermillion-unabating-thumping organ, sometimes." Nadish said, as he kept his palm on the left side of chest and the other palm on the chair nearby, supporting himself. He stared at Raghav, with a self-assuring smile and his words made him look up at him, with a midget assuage. Because, his friend wasn’t the biddable one and he was in awe, for Raghav’s quiet, hearer behaviour unlike other days, whenever they come across this matter.

"Babumoshai! It needs a little darn and see, it will look like new again.
It is called life!" He winked at Raghav and walked towards the door.
"Next Thursday at CCD. Come or else, I will barge in your room when you would be with your..Gayatri!"

Intoning a vintage track, he walked out of the cabin leaving Raghav with a pondering look. A while later, he stood up, and walked towards the window. The morning bleakness, the emptiness seemed to dissolve in the thin air.

He blinked as the evening scenario progressed before him, outside the window. Stillness seemed to persist in the room and the sound of the world came rummaging down.
Yet a faint smile made down on his lips, as he stood supporting himself against the wall.

He felt confident. He felt composed. He felt hopeful.
Yet again...

Nadish's words seemed to hit him somewhere and deep down he felt some sort of satisfaction building up.

A friend in need is a friend indeed. Nadish certainly proved those words yet again! Raghav smiled, thoughtfully as he could find the fog dissolving, from his way...

•••

*Yaar/Hamsheer : Brother
*Babumoshai: Gentleman

Here's the longest chapter till now.
I hope I didn't bore you. An important part this was.

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