My eyes sting from the crying and I'm sure I've left a patch of tears in Christian's new shirt. He calmed me down more than I should have let him, all I feel now is the wind on my skin and the dried salt water on my face.
"Before we go anywhere, we need to get rid of these." We both look down towards the clothes on the floor that we left behind in the store. We went back to get them and now they are in front of us, on the slab pavement behind the London Bridge wall.
"Are you sure you want to do this?" He asks me, looking aside and around to see if anyone is on the streets. He knows there isn't but now it's necessary.
We need to do this alone. It's going to be hard letting go of my old self, I know she's already gone but her presence is still here with me. She's still here, the scent of her odour still on her clothes, the memories of that the dress and pumps held. She had many.
She had only changed her dress a few times every so many years, she didn't want to change straight away like the new me does. I want her gone, for good. There are only certain things I am destroying - her last memories with the remains of her family.
"I'm sure." I know I haven't failed to be strong. I have always wanted to be myself and now it feels right for change but the girl I was will never be me again. She's just a ghost, gone with the wind.
"Naya. You need to overthink this, don't go with the advice I gave you." His voice is soothed but rushed because he wants me to remind myself that I can't change for him.
"I'm doing this for myself," I look up at him, "not you. So don't worry about me, the girl I was is still here deep down. You just won't see much of her." And I smile at him.
I bend down to pick up the clothes, feeling them in my hands. He goes down for his too, but stays kneeled down on his knees and his head bows down. "I'm so sorry..." he whispers.
What is he saying sorry for? "If you don't mind me asking," I crouch down next to him and stroke his hair, "why are you saying sorry?"
It takes him a while to answer, so he looks into my eyes instead. I try to search for the meaning of his apology in his eyes but all of my efforts fail quickly.
"I haven't seen my dad since the day I left, and I got told on the day I nearly strangled you to death, he died. And I didn't say goodbye on my last day at home. All I said was, 'I'm leaving' and that he won't be able to find me." My eyes widen as he tells me. He never got to say goodbye to his father. Everyone should be able to feel that relief that they said goodbye to their loved one before they passed away. "I guess he didn't take that chance."
"What do you mean 'he didn't take that chance'?" I furrow my eyebrows. My knees start to hurt so I lean on my hands to allow myself to sit down properly, crossing my legs. I slide my ass on the pavement to move in front of him and rest when he can see me clearly.
"He died trying to find me. They said that they found him on the main office of the bank where I used to work. Turns out he wasn't lucky enough and got pummelled to death by a group of men imposing the accountants and assistants... it's horrible." He looks me in the eyes and spills everything on the floor, including information about where he worked.
"Was that why you were so angry?" And he nods.
"I'm so sorry." His apologetic eyes reach for me and he sits down opposite me. "I know violence isn't the way out of things but that's all I could think of." He places his thumb on the mark on my neck. Gently he presses on it, and I squint. "Still hurts huh?"
"Yeah..." I laugh under my breath with my eyes closed. "But it's fine."
"You promise?" He asks as I open my eyes.
"I promise," I smile half-heartedly.
"You better because that smile doesn't seem real to me." He chuckles.
"I swear I'm telling the truth. It just hurts, that's all." And again, I smile, but I try my hardest to make it look real for him. I am telling him the truth and he should remember that. Silence seeps in as he examines my face.
Once he's done, he grabs the clothes, "are you ready?"
"As ready as I can be."
We both get up from off the floor and make our way towards the wall. "How should we do this?" His question travels through my head like a train around a circuit.
"One sec..." I climb up on the wall and stand with my arms out in front of me, holding the clothes, preparing to drop them.
"I don't know if that's safe Naya." I can't see him now. He's behind me on the pavement still. "I'm only letting you do it if I do it with you."
I shuffle my feet around so I can see him. I crouch down slowly. "The only way I'm going to get over this is if I do it myself. It'll be fine Christian."
"But will you be?"
"Yes. I will."
I get up and shuffle around to face the water and the buildings beyond. I feel the wind hit my face and blow my hair off my shoulders. Now I'm officially saying goodbye. There will be nothing but my body to remind others, and myself, of her. I'm not sure how to say it out loud.

So instead,
I let go.