"Why are you such an asshole to me all the time!? What did I do? All I've tried to do is be your friend."

"I'm just jealous of you. I wish I deserved to be your friend, but I don't."

"Why would you be jealous of me?! I'm a mess! I have crippling anxiety, my dad left, and my mom is barely home! I'm not charismatic and I'm not funny! You have everything I don't, a big, loving family, besides being an asshole, you have good character traits. You can actually function properly, unlike me. You have the perfect life." Evan argues.

I just break down in tears.

On the outside, my life looks perfect. I seem like a normal cringey teenager with normal parents, a normal brother, and a great charismatic personality. But when the walls are opened, and the backstage is revealed, one can see that my life is the exact opposite of perfect.

Dad has a new girl every night. Mom's drowned herself in her alcohol and sorrow. Brother hides himself in a cloud of smoke from all the marijuana he smokes. I'm constantly lying and hiding, crying in the closet. Dad doesn't care about us. Mom is never sober enough to function properly as a mother. Brother never talks to me. I'm a mess. I hide my insecurities, anxieties, and depression behind a mask of happiness and asshole-ness. i never let them see the worst of me. The real me is scared and sad.

No one would know, though. We pose perfectly for the pictures. We hide all our flaws. Everyone thinks my life is perfect. That I'm fine. It's not. I'm not. I'm anything but. I'm jealous of Evan Hansen. At least he can be himself, and at least he has someone who loves him and is there for him. While I have no one.

"Stop trying to buy my friendship with pity." Evan states as I keep sobbing. This might as well just be a pity party. 

I look up and shakily retort, "Fuck you Evan, asshole." 

I run away. I quickly run into my house. I pass my mother, who is passed out on the couch. I run up the stairs. I pass my parents' room, where moaning could be heard. I pass my brother's room, smoke leaking out from the crack under the door. I reach my room. My closet seems just as appealing as always. I close the closet door behind me, letting all my negative emotions out. The scent of weed grows stronger. I lift up my head. I slowly rise up and open the closet door, peeking out. I widen my eyes as I spot Connor Murphy sitting on my bed, smoking pot. I walk out, putting up my confident, totally-not-insecure facade. 

"Now what brings you here, Murphy?" I ask, trying to sound like an asshole.

He looks down at his blunt, before looking back at me. His eyes are red and face is expressionless. His hair is silky, but untamed. He slowly holds out his joint to me. "Try it. I know how hard you life is. It'll reduce the stress."

"Hard?" I question. He only shrugs. I shake my head, saying, "No thank you. I don't wanna become a pot head like you and my brother."

He shrugs once more and takes a drag. " At least have some of this coffee I made for you. When I'm out of weed, sometimes caffeine can be nice."

I stare at him hesitantly before grabbing the coffee. I stick my finger into it to check the temperature. Once I'm sure that it's fine, I raise it to my chapped lips and pour it into my mouth. It tastes like the best coffee I've ever had. Something comes over me, and I chug the rest. 

"Jesus, calm your tits." Connor said. 

I feel a rush pulse throughout my body. It's terrifying and exhilarating. It feels amazing and tiring. Even so, I feel so energized. A euphoria spreads through my emotions and All my senses feel heightened. 

"Connor, what the fuck was in that?" I ask, scared, but eager to know.

"Cocaine" 

My eyes widen. I start to feel paranoid, but the happiness overrides the freight. It was the worst, but most amazing feeling I have ever felt. Cocaine. I never want to take it again, but still, I need more. Connor leaves as I continue to ride out my high. 

I eventually pass out in my bed. 

I'm behind the school with Connor. He hooked me up with some more cocaine. 

"Jared! What the fuck are you doing!" Evan appears from behind a corner, yelling at me.

I shrug. It's honestly pretty obvious that I'm on drugs. My eyes are red, my nose is red, and I look pretty fucking stupid with a dumb happy expression.

"Why?" Evan asked, seeming very disappointed. "As I said, your life is perfect. Why would you slowly kill yourself like this? Drugs could kill you. You're my frie- I mean family friend. I don't want you to throw away your life like this!"

"I'm kinda trying to speed this process up. You may not know it, but something in my life sucks and I kinda forgot because I'm so fuckin' high right now, but I know I def wanna die sooooo..,," I replied, sounding like an idiot.

Evan just looked irritated and concerned. "You should just come back when he's not high like Neil Asstrong"

"It's actually Neil Arm-"

"I know bitch." Connor interrupted Evan, who just appeared offended.

Sry it kinda sucks. I wrote this at 2:00 am, but I've been listening to Melanie Martinez so...... P2 will be out in a certain unknown amount of time. Probably tomorrow but idk...

thx biach