TW-implied suicide

"I think you should read this."

"Why?"

"It was his."

Tears brimmed his eyes as he flipped to the first page.

Reading the first couple pages he just skimmed over them but he realized that the next pages were more important. He read these more intently.
He

July 23, 2017

I'm surprised I've held up this long.

No one knows yet.

Today him and I had lunch together.

I felt like my heart was getting stabbed, chewed up, run over, stung, and burned all at once.

Looking back at it, I probably should've just said I was sick and couldn't come, but I wanted to see his face.

The thing is, I almost blew my cover.

I had to pretend to use the restroom three times.

It's always much worse around him.

It's honestly extremely hard to keep all this in.

But I will.

Because I can't afford to have anyone judging me.

Especially him.

I love him.

July 27, 2017

Damn it!

Today I got blood on my shirt.

I didn't notice.

He did.

I said it was jelly from my toast this morning.

Thank god he bought it.

His laugh always seems to cheer me up for a moment.

His smile always seems to make the pain go away for a moment.

But then it comes back and scratches my throat.

It makes me cry.

It slowly kills me.

But even though he's the one unknowingly causing it, he also helps me for a moment.

I just wish a moment could last forever.

Note to self: he likes strawberry jelly

August 1, 2017

I declined another invitation to hang out.

Everyone's getting worried for me.

I can't have that.

They'll find out.

They'll ask me who it is.

They'll ditch me and call me names.

I don't want to lose everyone.

It hurts.

August 11, 2017

I've been doing some research.

There's only two ways to stop the pain.

Have him love me back, which is unlikely.

Or get the surgery done.

If I get the operation, I'll lose my feelings.

The thing is, while I want to stop the pain, I don't want to stop loving him.

But is he really worth death?

Would I give my life up just so I can keep on loving him?

Yes.

I don't want to live a life without feelings.

I want to feel emotions.

A lot of times, my emotions are negative, but that's alright.

At least I still have them.

He is more important than me.

He is a god and I'm a mere peasant.

No.

I'm a street rat compared to him.

August 17, 2017

My mom found out.

She wants me to get the operation.

She thinks I'm stupid for not wanting it.

Even though she scolded me and thinks I should get it, in the end it's my decision and they won't do it if I don't give consent.

I don't give consent.

August 24, 2017

I can't hold these feelings in.

It's too much.

Alana almost found out.

She saw a blue petal.

She questioned me.

I just said that I went to the orchard and it must've gotten carried with me.

She was dubious but she let it go.

He is so beautiful.

I love him.

It hurts.

So so much.

September 30, 2017

I lost this journal for a bit.

I clearly found it.

Anyways, Alana knows.

She wants to tell her girlfriend, Zoe.

I didn't let her.

He got so close to finding out three times.

But he didn't.

He is too good for this world.

Oh yeah, he told me who he likes.

Haha.

It's sure as hell not me.

Haha.

I'm so pathetic.

I'm sobbing over this.

I'm gonna die in two months anyways.

I don't want to wait two months.

I hate this.

I hate life.

I hate myself.

I love him.

I wanna die already.

October 2, 2017

I've been thinking,

Planning,

Talking.

Alana has been begging me to do the surgery.

She knows I love him.

She also knows that I wanna kill myself.

I don't care.

I've made a game plan.

I'm gonna be nice as can be.

I'm gonna give all my stuff to people.

I'm gonna be a good person.

Then in six days I'm gonna end it all.

October 4, 2017

Alana broke down begging me to stay.

It didn't work.

I feel bad that I had to drag her into this.

I didn't want her to find out.

I've given her some of my things already and she knows why. 

She told Zoe.

I feel bad that she got dragged into this as well.

They said they're here for me.

I don't deserve that.

I don't deserve anyone.

I deserve to be alone.

I deserve to disappear.

Only four more days...

October 6, 2017

Two... days...

Please let this go by quickly.

Everything hurts.

I want it to stop. I've already given away everything.

I've donated some stuff too.

I've given heart too.

But it's been broken.

Shattered beyond repair.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I had to fall in love.

I'm sorry I had to be a nuisance.

I'm sorry I'm such a burden.

I'm sorry I'm such a failure.

I'm sorry

I'm sorry

I'm sorry

I'm soRRY

I'M SORRY

I'M SO SORRY

I just want it all to end already.

I can't wait two days.

I already have the gun.

I already loaded it.

It's not on safety.

It's already out.

And I'm not putting it back.

"I-I'm so sorry"
He broke down, cradling the journal to his chest.

"I sh-should've known. It's all my f-fault"
His words became one with the sobs. All mixing together in some distraught, broken bundle.

"I'm so sorry Jared"