When you woke, the room was black and quiet with only a small lamp lit on the other side of the room. You looked around and tried to get up, but your restraints had been reapplied while you were unconscious. How long had you been out? It felt like you had renewed energy and had slept for days.

Maybe you had.

A quiet hum was off to the side of you, but it was too dark to see the source of the noise. Pulling at the restraints proved to be useless, even with your renewed sense of strength. You rested your head back against the hard table with a huff, frustrated that you were left alone, though you really didn't want to see your captors anytime soon, either. You closed your eyes and resolved to just relish in the quiet, thankful that the torture had stopped for now.

They must have noticed that you were awake; just as you reached a feeling of stillness, you were jolted when the harsh lights came alive and stung your eyes. The momentary blindness in the glare started to fade, and what you saw sent a horrifying chill down your spine.

They were keeping you alive. The tube sticking from your side, providing the nutrition that you had been denying your body, ensured that you had finally lost all control of your own fate. You squeezed your eyes shut at the revelation that they might actually win, and tears began to escape between your lids when the mechanism was again applied to your head.

"Realize this now, my dear. You can't possibly hope to win."

~~~

As you ran through the pouring rain, you laughed when your shoes slipped off of your feet and stuck in the mud, finally choosing to abandon them and just focus on getting home and dry. Bucky was in front, holding your hand and pulling you along, laughing with you at the ridiculousness of the situation as cars passed by with their drivers staring at you both.

"This was your idea, (Y/N)! You knew it was gonna rain!"

He darted around a few buildings before finally reaching your house, but the front door was locked. You patted your hands over the few pockets you had and searched your tiny handbag, coming up with nothing. "Mom's not home," you said as you continued to laugh and continued to be soaked in the downpour, "we're locked out!"

"Shit." He looked around for a place to find shelter, finally deciding it might be worth it to break down the door on the side of the garage 'just a little bit'. With a swift kick the doorframe cracked, allowing for the old wooden door to open just enough for you both to get inside. "There, that's better, right?"

Now that you were out of the rain, you began to realize how cold you had become, shivering as you crossed your arms over your chest and rubbed your hands on your arms to try to create warmth. Bucky noticed right away and began to search the small garage for anything that he could cover you with.

"Hey, you want me to break a window on the house? We could tell your mom it was an accident or something, okay? I'll take the blame, we just need to keep you warm."

"I'll be fine, Buck. She should be home soon." You found a few boxes under one of the work benches and hurried to open them, hoping for anything that might serve to hold in heat. You smiled and held up an old and torn blanket, proud of your find. "Get over here, boy. Get in here with me."

You laid the blanket in the corner of the garage, sitting down and holding your hand out for him to join you. He sat and leaned back against the wall, holding his arm out for you to curl up against him, wrapping the rest of the blanket over you. His skin was wet but warm, and he smelled of fresh rain. You hummed contently as you breathed him in, closing your eyes in an attempt to make the moment last longer.

"This is nice," he whispered. "Maybe you had a good idea after all."

"Mmm hmm," you agreed. "I'm full of good ideas, you just don't seem to realize it." You looked up at him with a coy expression, but it quickly changed when you noticed the look in his eyes. There was a heat and longing that you had never seen in him, but you knew you had been waiting for it for far too long. You grabbed the front of his shirt and pulled him on top of you, lifting your head to meet him as his lips found yours. There was a desperation in the kiss, his tongue searching your mouth and his teeth gently biting your lips. Your hands moved hastily down to his waist to pull his shirt out from his pants, then to open his belt.

He paused to sit back and remove his shirt, never taking his gaze from yours. "Are you sure?" he whispered, breathlessly. "Only if you're sure."

You nodded, knowing your voice would fail you if you tried to speak. Continuing to hold his gaze, you sat up to remove your shirt and tried to not let him see that the sudden cold against your skin made you shudder just slightly. It could have just as easily been the moment itself that had done it.

"I wish you could see how beautiful you are," he murmured as he leaned down to kiss your skin, his mouth trailing down from your neck and onto your chest. "I wish you could see how I see you."

Before he could go any further, the garage door flew open to reveal your mother, her face shocked at first but quickly turning to rage.

"Get out."

~~~

It's strange how when we're scared, in pain, or in any distress for that matter, we can so easily slip back into a childlike state. The outlook for you felt hopeless and insurmountable, and all you wanted was your mom. You needed someone to comfort you and tell you things would be okay. Even though you knew that they wouldn't be okay, somehow mothers have a way of making us believe it anyway.

"Enter into the log that at 0045 we are injecting serum number 28, current heart rate and blood pressure normal, she is awake and calm."

So it was midnight; you had lost all track of time and had no idea how many days or weeks you had actually been on the Hydra base. All you had seen in your time here was the four walls around you and random people entering and exiting the room; some just looked at you with blank faces, writing information feverishly, others came to refill your nutrition, and more often they came to inject you with whatever they felt like trying that day. You were nothing more than a lab rat and you felt like even less.

Every time they put the machine on you, you fought to hold on to the memories they were trying to erase, but it was becoming more difficult and you could feel yourself losing them; losing who you were. When the serum hit your bloodstream, the burning throughout your veins was almost intolerable, and all you could do now was hope for a lethal reaction to end your misery.

~~~

"You have no right to say that I don't know anything about love! You've forgotten what it's like! You're heart is cold and dead, and it's no wonder he left you!" The words stung even you, feeling immediate remorse for using her loneliness against her, but you always fought bitterly, knowing what would cut her deeply. "You can't keep me from him, mother. I'll leave."

The argument had been going on for hours, and you knew that Bucky was waiting outside in the rain. He had run off when your mother stormed into the garage, but you saw him return when he peeked in the kitchen window to be sure you were okay.

Your mother had been silent for several minutes now, standing hunched over the kitchen sink, her shoulders tense and her head hung low. You could tell that her mind was racing, even without being able to see her face.

"I just don't want you to make the same mistake I did. You aren't ready."

"Wait," you said harshly, "are you saying that being with dad and having me was a mistake?" When there was no response fast enough for your liking, you became even more angry and unwilling to hear anything more she had to say. "You are! Oh my god, you are an awful person, and I can't believe that I've been so stupid to stay here this long."

When you stomped to the back of the house towards your room, you heard Bucky tap on the window so you would meet him there. You slammed your door shut and threw yourself back against it, slowly banging your head back in frustration. You didn't want to cry, not for her, but the tears came anyway, more out of anger than sadness. When he reached your window, you quickly wiped the tears away and grabbed your suitcase, frantically throwing anything that would fit inside.

"You're really leaving?" He did his best to be quiet as he jumped in, grabbing your hands so you would look at him. "Where you gonna go? Have you thought this through?"

"Yeah. I know exactly where to go."

You had to sit on the suitcase just to get it to close, but you were determined and forced it together. Bucky climbed out first to grab your belongings then reached in to help you through. "You sure about this, doll? You won't be able to come back."

"Good."

He pulled his jacket off to hold it over your head as an attempt to block the rain as you walked, allowing himself to get soaked. He was never anything other than a gentleman to you, and it just made you even more angry to think about how your mother could never see it, and how she had misjudged him. When you looked up at him as you walked, you noticed that his eyes were on you, filled with concern for what would happen next.

"I always knew she felt this way, ya know? Ever since dad left, I've just been a bother to her." You nodded, agreeing with your own decision. "This was coming whether you were here or not, Buck. Don't feel like you have any fault here, okay?"

"Can't stop me," he laughed, but it was filled with sadness in its tone.

You looked at your feet as you walked, your hands thrust deep into your pockets to try to hold some warmth in them. The farther you got from your home, the less it felt like yours anymore; the sadness began to sink in and the fear of what you were going to do crept into your mind. Before you could say anything to Bucky, he was knocking on the door of what you hoped would be your new home.

When the door creaked open, Steve looked to you then at Bucky with surprise and confusion, not sure what had happened and even more confused as to why you had your suitcase with you. Before he could open his mouth to question any of it, you threw yourself into his arms and the sobs began to come uncontrollably. He squeezed you as tight as he could, looking over your shoulder at Bucky for any answers.

"What happened?" he mouthed silently.

Bucky just shook his head and stepped into the apartment as Steve held you.

~~~

"I know what you're doing," you said venomously, your words spitting out at your captors. "Did you steal the serum or have you figured out how to make your own?"

"Quiet."

"Ha! Or what?" you snickered, "are you gonna kill me? Fine! Go ahead! I welcome it! I've lost everything I've ever loved. I've lost control of my own life. And I will never, ever become loyal to Hydra." The man suddenly stood and moved towards you; you recoiled back instinctively, even though you had no way to escape him if he did anything.

"Come," the scientist said, "I am going to show you something that will change your mind." He untied your ankles and wrists, replacing the leather restraints with a chain wrapped around your torso, holding your arms down at your sides. He pulled you along, harshly and painfully to your weakened body.

"We wondered why anyone would be in this region, alone, and in these harsh conditions. Once we found you and brought you here, we learned exactly who you were and what you were doing." He paused in front of a large metal door with a small window that you were too short to see through. "You were searching."

"Genius," you said, your tone sarcastic, "but we've established that already."

"But you never found what you were looking for, did you?" He gave you a smile that sent chills through your body, making you feel very uneasy about where this was going. You could feel the knots build in your stomach and your palms began to sweat. "You didn't look hard enough, my dear."

He slowly pulled the door open but never took his eyes off you. You stumbled back at the sight; Bucky was strapped to a table and unmoving, but he was alive. His head deliberately turned to see who had entered, and it broke your heart to see no recognition in his eyes, and a blank stare as he looked at you. You realized it was what they were making you into, and you were overtaken by fear and anxiety. You jumped and cringed at the sudden sound of metal grinding and surgical tools, your eyes filled with horror when you saw what they were doing to him; to his arm...or at least where is arm used to be.

"Finding Mr. Barnes was very fortunate for us; imagine what the two of you could do together? Once the serum has taken effect and you finally give in to the memory modifications, we can begin training." The man pushed you back out of the room and slammed the door shut behind him. "The only way for you to survive and to see him again, is to comply, (Y/N)."