You couldn't get into your own clothes fast enough; you had to leave. If you looked at Tony again it would rip your heart in half. You were joined by a horrific event of your own doing, and he had no idea. He had been so kind to you, and so welcoming into his home and into his team. What would he think of you now?

The door slammed open and you startled only slightly at the force of the handle impaling into the wall behind it. Bucky entered first with Steve close behind, both of them stopping short when they saw the look on your face and the hollowness in your eyes as you stared blankly at yourself in the mirror.

"(Y/N), what happened back there?"

"Buck, do you remember that other life?" you whispered, "do you remember any of it?"

He looked at Steve and back to you, shrugging his shoulders as he searched his mind. "I get flashes here and there, I suppose. Nothing much." He took a step forward but you held your hand up to stop him. "What the hell happened? Tell me right now, (Y/N)."

"We killed Tony's parents." You glanced at Steve but quickly looked to the floor when you were met with his shocked expression, feeling mortified that he would hear this from you. "Bucky, she begged me not to. She told me she had a son." You grabbed your bag and threw it over your shoulder, still not looking at either of them. "I didn't protect her..." you said, shaking your head in disbelief, "I didn't protect her...from you. I should have stopped you. I should have saved her so that Tony would have had his mother all those years."

"(Y/N), that wasn't really us. You know that."

"But I don't," you snapped, "I don't know who or what we are anymore." You began to walk towards the door but Bucky grabbed your arm and pulled you back towards him. "Let me go," you whispered in a cold tone that sounded nothing like you, pulling your arm forcefully out of his grasp.

Steve positioned himself in front of the door and Bucky stood to your side in an attempt to keep you there, worried about your state of mind and what you were going to do. How could they not see that this was the last place you should be right now? Did they not realize that you were all but destroyed and being in Tony's home was making it worse? You began to wonder if either of them really knew you, or if you knew them. Your head was pounding, confused, and swimming in incomplete and jumbled memories that meant nothing.

"I'm such an idiot," you whispered, a small and sad laugh escaping your lips, "to think just today I was watching those kids in the park, wishing that I could have my own someday. Thinking that I could have a family."

"(Y/N)..." Steve sighed, knowing exactly where your mind was going.

"I'm the last person on earth to deserve that. I'm walking around and living a life as if I deserve it when I took away so many others."

"Alright, (Y/N)," Bucky said, his tone becoming more authoritative now, "that's enough. I'm not gonna stand here and let you beat yourself up over something that wasn't your choice."

You nodded at his words, agreeing that he shouldn't have to listen. "Then you won't have to." Standing toe-to-toe with Steve, you looked up at him without emotion, "move, Rogers. Please don't make me move you." He opened his mouth to speak, but hesitantly stepped aside, allowing you to pass without another word.

Bucky jumped forward to follow you, but Steve grabbed his arm to stop him.

"Steve, back off. I need to follow her. I need to be sure she's okay."

"Buck, let her go. It's not going to help; she needs time to think."

Bucky yanked his arm away harshly, stepping up to look Steve in the eye, almost nose-to-nose now. "That's my wife, Rogers. Don't tell me what you think is best, alright?"

Steve set his jaw and pushed forward, closing the gap between them. "Oh, believe me, I'm well aware that she's your wife. She's been yours since the day we met her, and you've made it abundantly clear every day since. I know full well that she's yours, Barnes. I'm aware of that every single day of my life."

Steve pushed him back and walked out of the room, leaving Bucky staring ahead at where he had stood, in disbelief of what he had just heard as the realization struck him.

~~~

"We are here today on this solemn occasion to celebrate the lives of Howard and Maria Stark..."

You were sure to stand far enough from the group gathered at the gravesite to not be noticeable, but not so far that you looked suspicious. You weren't sure why you felt the need to be here, but you were drawn to it, even despite Bucky's insistence that it was reckless and dangerous for you to be unprotected around so many SHIELD members.

You looked around the mass of people until you found him; a young man standing at the foot of the caskets as they lay next to each other, preparing to be lowered to their rest. His expression was unreadable; his gaze never wavered from them until the moment they were fully in the ground, when he quietly turned to walk away. Your eyes followed him as he got into his car and drove from the site without so much as a word to anyone.

"Were you close to either of them?"

You were startled out of your trance by one of the mourners, her British accent giving you a fleeting sense of momentary recognition. She held a small handkerchief to her face, dabbing tears away and as they rolled down her cheeks and onto her bright red lips. You looked at her for only a second, then gave one final look to Maria's last resting place before willing the moment from your mind and walking away.

"No."

~~~

You wiped your nose with your sleeve and took a long drink from the bottle of whiskey that you had been nursing for the last few hours, now almost gone. Sitting in the kitchen of the old house, you looked around and barely recognized it; it was the home you had grown up in, but it was the home of a stranger now, and a life that was lost to you. Leaning against the table, you rested your head on your arm and looked into the living room, the furniture covered in dust and the paint peeling from the walls. For a moment you regretted not doing a better job keeping the house in order, but your life had been...sidetracked, for lack of a better word. And now, this may be the last time you ever see it and it was a mess, just like you.

"(Y/N)?"

Fuck, he found me. "Come on in, Steve. I know you won't leave anyway." You took another long drink and finished the bottle. You held it up in his direction as he entered the room, giving him an empty laugh as tears ran down your face. "Hey, jerk, you could've told me that we can't get drunk anymore." The bottle crashed into the sink as you gave it a carefree toss, glass shattering everywhere. You took another bottle from the grocery bag and sat back down, defeated.

"Wanna share?"

Steve sat next to you but made a point to keep his distance. He watched silently as you opened the alcohol and threw the cap on the ground, grimacing at the burn of the liquid down your throat. "What's going on?" he whispered.

"I'm surprised you got here first. You don't even have a suit."

"What?"

You slammed the bottle on the table and chuckled, but it only brought more tears and a choked sob in your throat. "I called him. Tony is on his way here."

He took a deep breath and exhaled, nodding his head and knowing that this is what you would do. "Do you want me to call your husband to be here with you?"

"God, no."

"(Y/N)..."

"No, Steve, I don't want him to be here with me. I don't want either of you to see this. To see me...hauled away." You stood and walked to the sink, looking out the small window that faced the garage. "That damned building," you mumbled too softly for him to hear. You turned to lean back against the countertop and face him, crossing your arms over your chest and looking at the floor to avoid his eyes, knowing he was radiating sympathy that you didn't want. "How do I do this?"

He didn't stand to join you, and made no attempt to reach out for you. Instead, he grabbed the bottle from the table and took a drink that rivaled yours and coughed a bit as he set it back down. "Damn, (Y/N), you really know how to punish yourself." Steve regained his composure and leaned forward to rest his arms on his legs, wringing his hands together in front of him. "Just be honest. In what happened, and how you feel. Maybe he won't react the way you're expecting."

You scoffed at the idea and took the bottle for one more drink, hoping by now that even a small amount of sensation would come from this much alcohol. You held the bottle close to your chest and rubbed the sting of tears from your eyes. When you looked at him, your vision was hazy, but you could see the sadness in his face.

"I love you, Steve."

His head snapped up at your words, and his features took on a bewildered expression. "I love you, too, (Y/N)," but his words sounded more like a question than a statement.

"Come here," you said, setting the bottle down and holding your arms out to him. He stood and moved into your arms for an embrace, but you stopped him and took his face in your hands. You stood together, motionless, for just a moment before you pulled him down to join your lips with his. You knew that Steve had always loved you because he was terrible at hiding it, and this was the only goodbye gift that you could offer.

His body reacted and he pulled you in closer, his hands moving up into your hair as his kiss deepened and became more eager. When his mind came back to him, he pulled away harshly and took a step back; he was shocked at what had just happened, but his face wasn't one of regret.

"I know, Steve," you whispered. "I know how long you've waited for that." You closed the gap between you and wrapped your arms around him as the tears began to flow again. "Remember me that way, okay?"

~~~

Once he finally found the strength to leave, Steve stood behind the old garage as he watched Tony pull into the driveway, staying out of his line of sight. He grabbed his phone from his pocket and rubbed his hand over his cheek in frustration as he waited for the other end of the line to connect.

"Did you find her?"

"Yeah, I did. She still doesn't want to see you."

"She's okay though, right? As long as she's okay."

"Buck..." he paused, resting his head forcefully back against the broken wood of the building and squeezing his eyes shut. He knew this wasn't going to get a good reaction from his friend. "She called Stark. He just got here."

Bucky's voice became frantic and louder, "you have to stop her, Steve. Don't let her do this. He's going to have her taken away and we'll never see her again."

"She knows that, Buck."

Steve heard a loud roar and cry on the other end of the line, but it suddenly went dead as the phone smashed against the wall. He turned to watch Tony take your hand, just as he did a few hours ago, and enter the house with you. His lips still felt you against them, and his tongue could still taste you; he crumbled to the ground, sobbing at the realization that he may never see you again, and how easily you had broken him.

~~~

"So, you sounded pretty serious on the phone, (Y/N). Everything okay?"

"Tony, I think you should sit down." You walked to the kitchen and grabbed a new bottle from your bag, a bit surprised that you hadn't gone through it all yet, given your state of mind. "Drink?"

He sat at the small table, now maintaining a firm gaze as you moved, unsure of what to expect. He barely knew you, but he knew your abilities and would be lying if he didn't admit that he was becoming a little nervous.

"No, thanks." He cleared his throat and leaned forward intently, "so, let's have it."

Your hands trembled as you took one more small drink from the bottle, closing your eyes and steeling your resolve to do this. You turned to face him and set the bottle quietly at your side, making a pointed effort to hold eye contact despite every fiber of your being screaming to look away.

"Your mother's last words were of you, Tony."