Do you ever wake up feeling numb and as if nothing is real, like your body is going through the motions but your mind is somewhere else, lost and confused? That is how I am currently feeling. Only a few hours have passed since the most devastating news has crushed my heart and soul, leaving me lost in grief and heartbreak. I don't know how I will be able to tell the children that their mother will never be coming home, that their mother has gone to heaven. How can I break their hearts? I can't. I don't want to be the one to shatter their hearts with this news. Taking a big drink of my fifth or sixth bottle of alcohol, I stood up... or at least I thought I did if my face meeting the floor counts as standing up.

I don't remember falling asleep, but I woke up startled as icy, cold water was dumped onto me, leaving me spluttering as I stood up drunkenly. "Now is not the time for you to drown yourself in grief, Billy Ephraim Black. You have my nieces and nephew to think about, and I'm sure as hell not going to let them lose yet another parent. So get your ass in the shower, and then we will talk."

There, standing right in front of me, was Sarah's adopted sister, Alejandra, with her arms crossed and a very disappointed glare directed at me. If there's something I learned about Alejandra, it's that you do not make her repeat herself. She can be very persuasive when angry, which is how I found myself running as straight as I could to my bedroom to take a quick shower and sober up a bit.

As the hot water cascaded over me, I felt a mix of emotions-anger, sadness, guilt, and a deep sense of loss. I couldn't help but think about the children and how they would react to the news. How could I possibly find the right words to explain that their mother was never coming back? The thought of their innocent faces filled with confusion and pain was almost too much to bear. I knew I had to be strong for them, but in that moment, I felt anything but strong.

After my shower, I dressed quickly and made my way back to the kitchen, where Alejandra was waiting with a cup of coffee and a very disappointed stare directed at me. She sighed as we sat down at the dining table. "Billy, you need to get your shit together. You aren't the only one who is grieving. I am too," she said, tears running down her face. She gathered herself and continued, "The kids have already lost one parent. They can't lose another."

I nodded, feeling a lump in my throat. "I know, Alejandra. I just... I don't know how to do this. How do I tell them?"

Alejandra's expression softened, and she placed a hand on my shoulder. "That's why I'm here, Billy. I'm not going to let you, my nieces, and nephew go through this alone, okay? We'll figure it out together. You don't have to do this alone. We'll find a way to tell them gently and support them through this. But first, you need to take care of yourself. No more drinking, okay?"

I took a deep breath and nodded again. "Okay. No more drinking. I promise."

Alejandra gave me a small smile. "Good. Now, let's sit down and talk about how we're going to handle this. We'll take it one step at a time."

Just one hour before the children arrived home from school, I was dressed, and all traces of my attempt to drown myself in grief had been thrown in the trash. Alejandra helped make some dinner for all of us. I forced myself to remain calm, to not let my grief get to me, but everywhere I looked, I saw memories of Sarah and me with the children. It felt like I was being stabbed in the heart at the reminder that the love of my life was gone, never to return.

Time flew fast, and before I knew it, Rebecca, Rachel, and Jacob were walking through the front door, giggling and smiling. Knowing the news, I had to tell them, I knew those beautiful smiles would be wiped off their faces, and that was something I didn't want to do, ever. I cleared my throat, making them smile at me before hugging me and asking how my day was. I told them I had a surprise for them.

"How's my favorite nieces and nephew?" Alejandra spoke behind them, startling the kids before they broke into wide smiles, especially Jacob.

"Aunty Alex!!!" he screamed as he jumped into his aunt's arms.

Alejandra hugged him tightly, her eyes meeting mine over his shoulder. I could see the pain in her eyes, but she put on a brave face for the kids. "I've missed you all so much," she said, her voice trembling slightly.

Rebecca and Rachel ran to her, wrapping their arms around her waist. "We missed you too, Aunty Alex," they chorused, their voices filled with excitement and love.

Alejandra smiled down at them, her eyes glistening with unshed tears. "I have a special dinner planned for us tonight. How about we all sit down and enjoy it together?" she suggested, her voice warm and inviting.

The kids nodded eagerly, their excitement palpable. As we all moved to the dining table, I felt a knot tighten in my stomach. The moment of truth was approaching, and I still didn't know how to break the news to them.

We sat down, and Alejandra served the food. The kids chatted animatedly about their day at school, their laughter filling the room. I forced myself to smile and join in the conversation, but my mind was elsewhere, consumed by the impending revelation.

After dinner, Alejandra cleared her throat, drawing the kids' attention. "Kids, there's something important we need to talk about," she began, her voice steady but gentle.

The room fell silent, and the kids looked at her with wide, curious eyes. I took a deep breath, my heart pounding in my chest. "Your mom... she loved you all very much," I started, my voice breaking. "But... she's not coming home. She's gone to heaven."

Rebecca's face fell, her smile fading as the weight of my words sank in. Her eyes filled with tears, and she shook her head, refusing to believe it. "No, Dad, that's not true. Mom can't be gone," she said, her voice trembling. She fell out of her seat, screaming at me, "You're lying! This can't be happening! This isn't real!"

Rachel stood up, her face a mix of denial and anger. "This is a cruel joke, right? Tell me you're lying! Please, tell me you're lying!" she demanded, her voice shaking. Without waiting for an answer, she turned and ran out of the house, her sobs echoing through the hallway.

Jacob looked at me, confusion and fear in his eyes. "What do you mean, Daddy? What do you mean she's not coming back?" he asked, his voice barely a whisper.

I swallowed hard, fighting back my own tears. "It means that Mommy won't be with us anymore. But she will always be in our hearts, watching over us."

Jacob's eyes filled with tears, and he began to cry uncontrollably. "No, Daddy! I want Mommy! Where is she? I want her to come back! Please, Daddy, bring her back!" he sobbed, his small body shaking with grief.

Alejandra wrapped her arms around Jacob and Rachel, pulling them close as all three cried in grief. She held my hand in silent support as I too cried, feeling the weight of our loss. I closed my eyes, my heart shattering as I listened to Rachel and Jacob's heartbreaking sobs, especially as Jacob cried out for his mommy.

Rebecca came back inside the house, her makeup smeared and tears running down her face. She hugged me tightly, whispering, "Mom has to come back. She can't be gone. I didn't get to tell her how much I loved her."

As we sat there, holding each other and mourning our loss, I felt a glimmer of hope. It was going to be a long and difficult journey, but we had each other. I knew we could find the strength to get through this unimaginable loss... eventually.