"Just hold me tight and tell me you'll miss me

Still craving your kiss

Sweet dreams till sunbeams find you 

Sweet dreams that leave all worries behind you 

But in your dreams whatever they be 

Dream a little dream of me"

***

I was lying down on the picnic blanket I'd laid on the grass, on my favourite lawn which had two sides - sunny and shadowy. The temperature wasn't that high at the moment so I was relaxed under the sunlight but later when it gets hotter I might escape under the huge oak tree that was on 50 steps from me. Oak's shadow was wide but not that thick because sunbeams were breaking through the branches creating little spots of light which seemed so magical that while I was eyeing them I expected little fairies to appear and start dancing in their natural spotlights. For me, under the oak it was a perfect place for reading a book because the connection with nature and its inherited magic helps me to dive deeper in the fictional worlds. Being outside, in the nature it was essential for me, as much as eating. And sometimes even when I hadn't eaten anything, just to feel the touch of a flower, grass or tree, could satisfy my hunger and fill me up with energy. But I had a special place in my heart for this oak because with its branches above me, I felt it like a father who was there to protect me from everything and everyone.

I shifted my gaze from my oak-father and fixed it to the sun above me, just like the flowers I always feel the need to look at the sun's face. Soon enough I closed my eyes because no matter how pleasant it was for me, the sunlight glare was too much to take for my eyes. Then I took a deep breath of the air's aroma of trees, grass and summer, and my lungs filled up with life-giving energy, and my heart with joy.

The sunbeams caressed my whole body, they gently embraced me with their warmth, and I felt loved and protected. I opened my eyes slightly, and I shaded them against the sun with my hand then I stared at the celestial breadth. The sky was in such a beautiful shade of blue. I love the color blue, it always enchants me and captivates my heart in a special way. Like the eyes of a loved one. Today there were also fluffy white clouds, as if someone had put cotton on the sky, in case a bird got tired of the long flight and decided to lie down on one of them and take a nap. If I could fly, I would dive into them, and dance and play with them to my heart's content.

I might be a bit childish but noone had the right to blame me. Other people remembered their childhood, they had families, relatives, friends, all these people who had left some imprint in their lives. But not me. All my relatives were flowers, trees, birds, and grass. Nature was my family. A family I didn't need to remember. A family that was always by my side whenever I needed it. Nature was giving me love and warmth, nourishing me with energy and joy, protecting me, and has always responded to my love with love. The simplest example that I could give is with my pear tree. Several months after I moved in my studio, the green area in front of the building was constantly inviting me to do something with it, so I planted a pear tree. I gave it my love and attention, and it responded with its delicious fruits.

To the other people I was more or less strange. They wondered at me, and asked me thousands of questions, and I kept answering them patiently, "No, I don't know from whom I inherited my brittle thick dark hair, nor my big brown eyes framed with long black lashes or the peach skin tone, and the long slender legs. No, I don't know if I look like my mother or my father, I don't know about any relatives, I don't know where I'm from." My usual answers were followed by the usual question "But how so?" And then, as much as I didn't want to, I explained...

Almost 5 years ago I was found unconscious in front of a hospital in Sofia, Bulgaria. It was late at night and noone saw if I got there on my own and then fainted or if someone brought me like that and dumped me there. The police and the doctors interrogated me endlessly after I regained consciousness. But I couldn't tell them anything. They tried to convince me by telling me that I was safe there, "Noone would hurt you", they said, "but it'll be better if you say what has happened, because now you got away only with brain injury, but next time you mightn't be that lucky." Enough is enough, I couldn't listen to them anymore and I yelled, "I'm not keeping my mouth shut due to fear but because I DON'T KNOW the answer to any of your questions." I didn't remember anything, anything but my name - Cassie.

Finally, the doctors took pity on me and sent the police away. They tried to convince me to tell the press, to ask them for help to find my relatives because there were no ID card in me when they found me. But I firmly refused them. I was so confused by everything, and I didn't want to be surrounded by a bunch of strangers that will scrutinize my life.

Nina, a nurse who was taking care of me until my vitals and my brain was good, and I was ready to be checked out of the hospital, showed the greatest understanding for me and opened her heart and home to me. I stayed at her house until I raised enough money to rent an apartment. She helped me get new ID card and all the needed documents. I'm not sure how valid they were because we came up with the birth date and the surname, which are highly unlikely my own. But whatever. Thanks to Nina I became Cassie Petrova, born on July 15th 1997. I'd chosen the day and the month, I didn't know why but July 15th sounded really good to me. Nina had chosen the year 1997, because she thought that I was 17 or 18 years old, and not to have additional troubles, she decided that I was 18. For surname I wanted something connected with the nature and since 'Peter' means 'rock', we'd chosen Petrova.

The moment all the documents were ready, Nina helped me to enroll in high school. I'd studied hard and around an year later successfully passed all high school exams and I graduated from it. Doing so was really important for me because when the time was right I was planning to enroll in university. After all, all of these steps were part of the normal human life, and in my condition of not normality, I craved for being normal. Being just a regular person it had become my main goal, my only goal actually. But for studying in university I needed money, so first, I had to find a job. Fortunately, I found really pleasant one as a barista in a vintage cafe in the center of the city. That way I met different people and felt less alone. And when I was mentally and financially ready I moved out of Nina's house and moved in to my cute, little studio with cheap rent. The best thing was that the building I moved in was near that gorgeous park, which I felt like home because it was making me feel safe, peaceful and happy.

Throughout the years, I gave up on the efforts to remember something, anything of my past. I guess what I'd forgotten either wasn't that important to remember it, or there was something else behind my memory loss... Anyway I left this story behind, and I built my new life. It was really hard but I got a job, a place to live, and afterwards I enrolled in Sofia University. Three days ago I successfully completed my 2nd year in Faculty of History. For a girl with no past the world's history turned out to be really fascinating, funny right!?

I was grateful to be alive, for Nina and her kindness, and for everything I got with hard work over the years. And I was more than grateful for the park with my favourite lawn, the sky, the sun, the birds' singing, the nature in it. There was everything I needed, and I wouldn't change a single thing in my life if I could enjoy being in that magical place. Honestly, when I found that park, and that lawn in particular, I felt that it was what I have been looking for. It might be weird but it was like something led me to that place. There I felt safe, I felt at home.

I shook off the thoughts of the passed almost five years after the "incident" (that's what I called the event left me with no memories and gave me new life) and returned to the present moment.

I groped for the headphones I had left on the blanket next to me, pressed play button, put them over my ears, and my favorite jazz music played. Over the years, I have found that I liked Jazz the most. I played my favourite jazz songs and mentally transfered to one of my favourite dreams. All this time, I didn't remember a single thing from my past but weird enough every single night, without exception, I had so colorful, beautiful and peculiar dreams. Maybe before the incident I was a movie nerd, because that's the only way I could explain my dreams. They all were for bygone ages, epochs, and empires. I had already dreamed of being a Cleopatra's courtier, meeting Charlemagne, and Napoleon, seeing the construction of the Eiffel Tower, and so on and so on. I even drank tea with Queen Victoria once. But from all of these lucid dreams, I liked the one about the Roaring 1920s the most.

As always Jazz music (even if it was from later years than the 1920s) took me to that dream. I was dancing with all my heart and soul to jazz music, in a hall full of people. I was wearing one of those shapeless dresses typical for the 20s, it was simple and white. I had a matching tiara on my head, and the diamonds encrusted in it caught and reflected the lighting in the hall creating little rainbows onto the walls and the floor which were dancing with every move I made. The gems' dispersed light made me feel like my dancing was illuminating the space around me with little flames. It was like they reflected my passion, the Fire inside me. And my hair supplemented the whole feeling of my soul's wild nature because it was loose and falling on long waves which wasn't the typical hairstyle for that time. Accurate or not for the 20s, I felt that my hairstyle was right the way it should've been. In that moment, I felt so happy and full of energy.

Suddenly a man fondled my waist, he slid his hand up my back and on the entire length of my left arm, then intertwined his fingers with mine and held my hand, a thrill ran through my entire body. A moment later we were dancing together in the rhythm of the Jazz. He loved me and I loved him, I could feel it. I felt our feelings to each other but I never saw his face, it was always blurred.

The image changed abruptly. Now I was wearing jeans and a T-shirt, and my back was resting on a hedge. I placed my palms on it and pushed myself forward. I turned to stroke it with my fingers, the petals tickled me and I giggled. I looked around - the alley I was on had two hedge walls on both sides and against the hedge I was leaning on there was an alley turning right. I was in a maze. "Am I alone?" I just thought and I heard footsteps approaching quickly. Someone was coming to me. The moment I turned in the direction of the sound, a young man appeared from the alley opposite to the hedge. He was tall, athletic, dark-haired, olive-skinned man, and he was wearing white trousers and a blue shirt. I couldn't look at him better because all happened in seconds. He shortened the distance between us with a few quick steps, then he cupped my face and kissed me - a passionate but tender kiss, saying "I've missed you." I responded to his kiss. A pleasant warm, fluttering feeling appeared in my chest and a tickle went all over my body. I felt that I've missed him, too.

I stood up abruptly. The headphones flew forward and fell on my lap. I shaked my head and rubbed my eyes. What a dream! But when did I fall asleep? Nevermind. It was intense. I needed water. I reached for my backpack, pulled it closer and pulled out the bottle of water. I eagerly took a huge sip, followed by a few more, and eventually I halved the bottle in one breath. When I separated it from my lips I was breathing heavily. It took me a while to regain my normal breathing after the water and especially after the dream. And when I calmed down, I decided to take another sip. I sipped and held the water in my mouth. While I was moving it from one cheek to the other, I closed the bottle, put it in my backpack, and lifted my head forward, just to swallow and... I saw him coming at me. The water spewed from my mouth. My heart pounded with fear.

I got up quickly, stuffed the headphones and the blanket into my backpack, and ran. I was scared because the man who kissed me was coming to me. The man from my dream had appeared in front of me, and on top of everything he was even dressed the same way - with white trousers and a blue shirt. It couldn't be! I must've been going crazy. I jumped out onto the nearest alley and turned to look at him. He was running to me. My heart skipped a beat. I tried to increase my speed, but I hadn't put my backpack on my back, I was holding it in my hand. It was heavy and it was slowing me down. The man was approaching. I didn't have the time to stop. I swung my backpack to throw it on my back and set it in motion, but it hit me so hard that I lost my breath and then my balance. My legs intertwined, and I fell on the ground.

The man was getting closer and closer to me, and I didn't just stop, I fell.

"So much for my attempt to escape", I said breathlessly on the tarmac below me.