Happy birthday to me, I think, enjoying the now-peaceful atmosphere.
   
I left the party what seems like ages ago, although no one seemed to care. Dylan and Caleb haven't sent out a search party yet and none of my friends have called. In fact, my phone has been silent ever since I left.
   
I'm sitting on the porch of my house, looking off into the dying evening. Soon enough, the only color breaching the sky will be black, and all signs of color will wither away until not the slightest streak of red remains. It's nice to be myself, especially now. I've been surrounded by people all day, so this feels like paradise.
   
Few cars drive by as I think about the events from earlier, contemplating long and hard about the mistakes I've made. I count each individual lie like I count sheep, only they aren't white and fluffy. They don't even have a color. Each lie looks and feels cold and naked, causing my mind to shiver. If I could count them backwards and take each of them back, only then would they become sheep. Sweet, innocent, sheep.
   
"Rowen." I snap my gaze upwards like a slitting twig - quick and easy. There, jogging up to me, was Silas.
   
Silas. Why he would seek me out after our argument is beyond my understanding. Though him returning to call out my mistakes one last time seems like the more realistic option.
   
Knowing that I can't take another look of betrayal today, my head slumps back to its previous position, my eyes on my hands which sit in a ball on my lap.
   
"How did you find me?" I ask once I see that he's close enough to hear me.
   
"Your friend Taylor gave me your address," Silas answers. I still don't face him. "She's worried about you, you know. Sam too."
   
I don't answer. I only continue to pretend that he's not standing right in front of me.
   
The beds of grass shrink beneath the weight of Silas' shoes as he takes a few more steps forward. "Why did you leave your party?" he asks.
   
I carelessly shrug my shoulders. "Didn't feel like it was my party. All of those people are strangers to me. And celebration really isn't my cup of tea," I confess. Ever since Danielle's end-of-the-year party at her house on the day of graduation, I decided that I would never go to a party ever again, even if I am the guest of honor. "Why am I even telling you this? Why are you even here?" I ask, finally glimpsing up.
   
"I came to apologize. Back there, I was out of line. I shouldn't have made an already delicate situation harder for you."
   
"No, you were right. I lied right to your face. You've always been truthful with me and I should've been the same for you." Suddenly, I feel as if I'm having a different conversation. Here I am, admitting my faults and talking about honesty when I'm still the one lying my wounded heart out. Silas has been nothing but honest with me since we met, even when the truth hurt both of us. And the worst part is that he thinks I'm being honest in return. He believes everything I tell him, and that basic fact will once again ruin us both.
   
Silas walks closer until his figure is just above mine. His shadow that will soon blend with the night shrinks as he takes a seat beside me on the steps. Our hips slide against one another as he situates himself in a comfortable position. Soon enough, we're both gazing into night's eyes together. "What I just don't get is why you didn't tell me in the first place. What did you think I was gonna do?" he asks.

"Overreact, just like everyone else does," I sigh, not bothering to lie. There's no point. At this point, he would know when I'm leaving something out or replacing it with a fake truth. "A lot of people in my life think that I can't handle myself. They always feel the need to put on a suit of armor and save me like I'm some damsel in distress. I guess I'm just tired of being saved, and I just didn't want to add you to that list."
   
"Is caring about you a crime?" he asks.
   
"No," I answer. "I guess sometimes... I think that I don't deserve to be cared for. There are things that I've done that I'm not proud of, and in the end, I pay the steepest of prices."
   
I find myself beginning to give away more and more hints and pieces to the puzzle that represents my most darkest secret and fear. The more I explain, the more he will begin to piece everything together, only to start a new puzzle and gain more pieces by asking more questions. Why can't I just shut up?
   
Silas leans forwards with his arms entwined on top of his knees, his eyes trying to find mine. "We've all done bad things, Rowen. A way we can make up for them is by letting others help you through the collateral damage," he recites, as if he's reading from a best-selling book of poetry. It seems everything he says should be accompanied by a pair of quotations and pinned to a billboard for all to admire.

I smile moderately, an invisible pull guiding my gaze to his, though eye contact only last a few seconds before we both look to the yellow painted lines on the dark concrete, having a conversation entirely made up of wordless phrases - nature's greatest language: silence.

As I'm applauding the last light of day, I feel Silas' hand inconspicuously touch mine as it lies upon the wood of the porch, thumb just levitating over my knuckle. I want to rotate my own hand over so our palms may embrace one another, but I don't want to ruin this moment of complete bliss. The last time we held hands, really held hands, was at the hospital when he was comforting me. All I want to do now is hold his hand, even if it's for no specific reason.

"I guess I ruined your birthday, huh?" Silas asks, a gust of wind almost blowing his words away.
   
"Well it's not over yet," I say. Silas slants his eyebrows, watching me as I get to my feet and begin to walk across the front lawn.
   
I hear him following me as I make my way through the dimming grass and towards the back of the house. The backyard is murky as the last remaining bit of sunlight dies, leaving behind nothing but a shadow without end. Crickets are already singing behind the safety of bushes and plants, the chorus acting as background music as Silas and I continue out stroll.
   
We soon come to the stairway that leads up to the deck. As the two of us climb up the stairs, Silas asks, "What happened? Did you lose the key to the front door?"
   
"No," I correct him. "We're not going in the house." When we reach the apex of the deck, the first thing that catches any eye is the large patch of ivy and vines climbing up the side of the house. Throughout the years, no one has bothered to cut or trim it, mostly because Mom would never let Dad do such a thing. When we would go and sit on the rooftop, our only way of travel would be these vines, or occasionally, a latter. Though I always used the vines, just as Silas and I are using now. "Alright, c'mon," I say, already beginning to climb.
   
Silas lightly chuckles. "This is joke, right?"
   
"Nope, now shut up and climb up." Ignoring what I had just said, he begins to say something else, though I quickly cut him off. "Don't worry, I've done this a million times. It's perfectly safe."
   
Silas sighs deeply, already gripping a vine of the ivy and pulling himself up. For me, the climb is the easy part. I've gotten so used to coming up here that I don't even have to think about it. As for the newbies, such as my brothers and friends, it's quite a stretch from what they're used to. I've tried bringing friends up here in the past, but each attempt ends in failure. I never even brought Noah up here. But this time, now that Silas is with me, I want this time to be different.
   
The two of us finally make it up to the very top. Because the roof of my house doesn't have a steep dip, walking and sitting on it is a walk through the park. "I can't believe you're making me do this," Silas says nervously.
   
"You're not a afraid of heights, are you?"
   
"It's more like a fear of falling," he rectifies. I see him move his eyes from side to side, taking care not to look too far downwards. He's steady on his feet, almost like a statue, in fact.

If I hadn't have known him as well as I do now, I would've assumed that Silas was fearless. He has a buff build and a look in his eye that defies all fears and worry, as if he refuses the idea of fear itself.
Now that I see him clearly, not everything is as I imagined. He is truly a normal guy with normal fears.

I grin modestly and reach out my arm, offering my help in guiding Silas across the roof. He eyes my hand carefully, finally realizing that he now has a target to focus his eyes on other than the ground below us. Smiling tensely, he takes it, and slowly walks across the flatter surface of the rooftop.

Once we are in the spot when I usually sit, I say, "See? That's not so bad." I'm the first to sit while Silas mimics my movements. The two of us sit on the level portion of the roof while we let our legs dangle on the outer edges.
   
"Wow," Silas breaths, gazing into the night.

"Yup. Welcome to my happy place," I say. Even though the night is young, the wonders is offers never ceases to amaze. Houses that line the street release a dim, golden glow into the dark purple of the evening as stars begin to appear right in front of our eyes. Each one is like the tip of a silver needle, threading its way across the dark fabric. In the end, knitted constellations and seemingly random patterns remain.

Off in the distance, I try to hear the booming music arising from the beach, but nothing comes to ear. I wonder if anyone has noticed that I'm gone, or if anyone even misses me. Caleb and Dylan are probably too drunk by now to notice, but I'd imagine that there'd be suspicion when they bring out the birthday cake and the birthday girl is nowhere to be found. Because Caleb is the one who made it, I'm dodging a bullet by not being there to eat it.
   
"You do this often?" Silas asks, trimming the string of silence that bound us together.

"Sometimes," I answer, "I usually come up here to get away from it all. When I'm stressed out or my brothers are driving me crazy or I just need to be alone..." I pause briefly and laugh lightly. "You know, I come up here a lot actually." Silas soon laughs along with me, but he doesn't say anything. His beaming eyes want me to continue but his words say another. They say nothing. "My mom and I used to do this all the time, before she passed. We would point out the different constellations, famous stars, and planets. Nowadays, I come up here to feel closer to her. I actually named a star after her awhile ago, but I forget which one it is."

My sudden, sad tone rubs off on him as he too frowns at my words. I haven't told many people about my past with my Mom, mostly because they wouldn't understand, but Silas is different. "Your mother sounds... amazing. I wish I could've met her," he says.
  
I angle my head, and to my surprise, he is already looking at me. Though now, our gazes meet, both frozen to the other. "I think she would've liked you." I say.
   
For a moment or two, our breaths intertwine, and our noses are centimeters from brushing. I didn't notice it before, but our hands are weaved together as well, mine resting beneath his. He puts little to no weight in that hand, as if mine is a fragile butterfly that he's taking care not to destroy. I can feel my body beginning to lean toward his, causing the distance between our faces to shrink. Though before our lips touch, I lean away, putting an end to the rapidly-evolving moment.

Silas bends away as well, clearing his throat in the process, looking rather disappointed. It's not like I don't want to kiss him. It's what the kiss may expose. I've already kissed him once and neither of us has spoken a word regarding it. I don't want to fall into a situation where I feel one thing and he feels entirely different, and the only way to prevent that from happening is not giving it the fuel it needs.

Now, things can't be more awkward. A minute has passed and Silas hasn't even attempted to make eye contact with me. Granted, neither have I. Maybe this was a mistake. Maybe it's best if we both said our goodbyes now and save one another the trouble and potential awkwardness in the future.

I'm about to get to my feet and make my way back down towards the desk when Silas asks, "What star is that?" He points to a spot in the sky where a lonely star shines brightly.

Happy that words have finally been spoken, I reply, "That is just star."

"How can that be just a star? I mean that thing is as bright as a star gets," he says, looking dumbfounded.
   
"Well, it may be bright, but it doesn't have a famous title or anything like that. It's not apart of a constellation, it's not a planet. It's just... there." I look up at the little, bright speck in the sky with no name, no importance, and no significance. Why he decided to point out that particular star, I have no idea. He is right about one thing: the damn thing is pretty bright.
   
Hearing myself say those words even feels unnatural, wrong somehow. Mom used to say that every star is up there for a reason - that each and every one holds a significance greater than we can even comprehend. Many create constellations that we don't see, or are actually planets that have yet to be discovered. The possibilities are endless, and hearing myself say otherwise is a mystery within itself.
   
Silas doesn't take his eyes off of the star for even a second. It's as if he's stricken by some invisible force, a siren in the form of a small light that sings a song only he can hear. It's fascinating, really. "Ever think about naming your own star?" he asks.
   
"Not really. I mean, I have a tattoo of my mother's constellation, but I've never actually named a star before." I glance down at my hand to where a map of star is inked into the skin, the very pattern forever complimenting the beautiful memories of Mom.
   
I see him smile to himself once I turn my eyes away from the array of dots. He then reaches behind his back, most likely to retrieve his cell phone from his back pocket. Though to my surprize, he reveals a small, wrapped box with a tag hanging from the ribbon, my name written in black ink upon the beige material. "You left this on the picnic table. I just wanted to make sure that you get it," he explains, handing me the box.
   
I sigh, knowing well that I can't deny his gift for a second time, and accept it.
   
My fingers curve around the edges and begin to tear through the paper. Excitement and guilt dance a tango inside my thoughts, both emotions in perfect sync and harmony. My mind wanders through the maze of possibilities. I've already told Silas not to bother with gifts, but according to Ashley, there is no way that that plan was going to be executed. Besides, any girl would be happy for the presents she receives on her birthday. As for me, there's only one thing that I want, and it's something that no amount of money can buy.
   
Once all of the paper is torn off, a black box remains. Curious, I take the cover off and stare in awe at the treasure inside. A gorgeous, golden bracelet sends my heart racing. A charm in the shape of a star is perched in the center with a small initial printed upon the plate. My initial.
   
My mouth is practically separated from my jaw as I marvel at the piece of beauty. "This is absolutely beautiful," I say, my words drifting towards the end as if I'm about to continue my sentence.
   
"But?"
   
"But I can't accept this. It's too much" I say, placing the cover back on the box.

I try to hand it back to Silas but he doesn't move a finger. "Rowen, it's a gift. You're supposed to keep those."

"A simple t-shirt from the thriftstore would've been enough," I say. I already know that nothing I say will be able to sway him.

Silas takes the box from my hand and opens it back up, removing the bracelet from its restraints. He then takes my hand and sets it upon his leg where he wraps the chain around my wrist. The golden star shines even more brightly than the ones above us. "No matter what you say, I'm not taking this back. It's yours." He moves his hands away so that I may move my arm freely. My cheeks have now redden to the point that they seem like roses in bloom. "I see you wear that necklace with the moon on it every day, so I thought you needed something to compliment it," Silas exclaims.

The blush begins to fade away and so does my smile. Even though this is supposed to be a happy moment, I can't help but think that this is just another few seconds that will so be forgotten as the days roll on by. All of these amazing, blissful moments that only I seem to treasure are meant to be shared with the person whom I originally shared them with, and that person couldn't seem to care less.

"Silas, can I ask you something?" His eyes meet mine, a reflection of his thoughts focusing on me gleaming brightly alongside the gray. "On the night of Danielle's party, we shared a pretty intimate moment, and to be honest, it was the happiest that I've been in awhile. And if I'm being completely honest, you've been on my mind ever since," I say, putting every ounce of honesty that I possess into my words. He remains still, awaiting more of what I have to say. I've been preparing for this talk ever since the night that we first kissed, only it's not like practicing in a mirror. Every word is completely new, and even now, I'm not prepared. "So I guess what I'm trying to ask is... did it mean anything?"
   
The questions hangs in the air, its lifeline as thick as a titanium poll. Silas doesn't speak a word, though his modest grin and gentle eyes recite many. His hand travels back to where mine waits, the warmth of his palm melting away the cold upon my skin. More than anything, I want to yell and scream, order him to give me an answer to the question that I've been asking myself for weeks on end. Did that kiss mean as much to you as it did to me?
   
With Silas' fingers laced around mine, I almost don't notice how are faces are so close from touching, as they were before we kissed a few minutes ago. How many times must I go through this process only to be met with darkness at the end of the tunnel? How many times will a happy moment come my way and die once false hope gets the best of me? How many kisses will I miss out on if I'm too scared to build a love off of them?
   
"Rowen," Silas finally breaths, "It meant the world to me."
   
My heart stops. "What?"
   
"Rowen, I've been driving myself crazy just thinking about you. You're on my mind nearly every single day." The Earth begins to twist and turn until its axis stands on end. My mind is already muddled with enough crap that it can barely take anymore, and hearing what Silas has to say is a basically the timebomb that sends hell waltzing into my thoughts. "I love when you talk about your mom, and I love how you talk about the stars like they're these actual entities that need saving. You see the world differently than anyone around you, and you fascinate be every day. So sin me for saying this, but yes. Hewitt, that kiss meant everything."
   
All around  me, the world begins to melt away like ice cream on a hot summer's day, leaving only Silas as the last legible being. At this moment, I only see him as I fight my mind to remember each and every word he says; to perfectly picture his tone, his expression, and the pure honesty that paints his voice. I want to remember it all. Every little bit of it. Because it the end, when we all fall out of our places in the night sky, at least I'll remember this moment. This is the moment when we become real.
   
Our hands now cling to one another as if they would never again let the other go. My body once again leans towards his, only this time, I am in full control. I am in full control of each and every action. Even as our lips touch, I don't back away. I fall into the kiss swiftly and blissfully as the world falls beneath us.
   
Silas' lips generously dance with mine as the kiss transports me down the path of memory line. I once believed that he was nothing more than a lying jerk who was only after the rest of my dignity; that he only wanted to take advantage of me and my little mistakes. For a while, my beliefs remained the same. I was so closed off from the world that I wasn't willing to see the brighter, beautiful side of him - the side that only wanted to help me surpass my guilt and despair that I've been hanging on to for two years. Now I see both sides of him, sides that are good, and the sides that I love.
   
We let the moment sway us and take us away, as we make our way back down the walls of vines. Silas is the first to reach the deck, helping me from off of the ivy even though he knows that I can get myself down without assistance. From there, the golden porch light leads us around the corner of the house and towards the front door. I open it with Silas following closely behind. The house is dark and I don't bother turning on any lights.
   
Together, we walk hand-in-hand up the stairs and towards my bedroom. Once we reach the door, streaks of light surround us, generated by the strings of fairy lights that hang around the room. Silas' lips meet mine again as his hands cup my face. Mine do the same as the kiss only grows in depth and meaning. A slight smile creeps from under my lips, his following soon after.
   
Giggling lightly under my breath, the weight of my body in his arms becomes too much as I soon collide with my mattress. Silas leans into me, continuing to kiss me with such love and affection before he too sits besides me. I then sit my leg upon his as his hands travel my back and thigh.

"Wait, wait," he says, pulling away from the kiss though continuing to hold me close.

"What?" I ask.

The beat of his heart roars within his chest, my hand feeling every beat. "Are you sure?" he questions.

I use this pause to my advantage and attempt to think clearly, though all thoughts are scattered. If this keep it, and one thing leads to another, there's no going back. A few months ago, I never would've considered sleeping with another person again, especially since the first time was my biggest regret. The first is meant to be shared with a person that you can give willingly give your heart and soul to, and Darian was not that person. But Silas is different. He's had my heart before I even knew I had his, and the feelings that I have for him are stronger than anything that I have ever felt. In way, this is my first, and it is something that I will never forget.

With this fact in mind, I nod my head, still trying to catch my breath. "Yes," I breath. "I'm sure."

With that, he smiles widely and our lips crash into each other, sending shockwaves through my body that are almost are to bare. My fingers curl around the bottom lining of his shirt, pulling it over his head to reveal his upper torso. He does that same with mine, long locks of hair falling onto my face, only to be pushed away by Silas' strong hands. Though when my stomach is finally exposed, I almost forget about the scar that lines it. My nerves begin to plummet, but that does not stop Silas' wandering gaze from eyeing it. For a moment, my hand tries to cover it up, though he slowly moves it away. Expecting to see him look at it with disgust, he looks into my eyes lovingly, and leans down towards my stomach, leaving a trail of kisses along the car.

"Beautiful,"  he murmurs between kisses.

And just like that, I offer myself to him, letting the night guide us to a time and place where all there is is stars.