In the Middle of Nowhere, Day 142 After Flood

"Do you fear me, Empress?" Death crooned, voice like velvet coated steel, or a sword plunged into an inferno. But whatever fire emanated from his words was nothing but coals when matched with my blazing fury.

"No." I wanted to say something scathing, to make Death afraid of me instead, to show him I was no toy to be played with. But my throat constricted. This monster dangled Cyprian in front of me like a fisherman's lure. Cyp, who'd loved and protected me. Who'd kept me sane.

He smirked, a predator, much like my visions of Lady Lotus. Confident. Arrogant. Deadly. "Ah, but Empress. You're awash with it. Still, you needn't be ashamed of that wisdom. Only the most idiotic fool would show no fear when faced with Death. Perhaps you can indeed be reasoned with."

"Where's Cyprian?" If my words were impregnated with the same toxin as my thorn claws, Death's beautiful face would surely melt. For all I knew, he'd killed the Hanged Man and was only mocking me. Or he'd locked Cyp away somewhere to torture. I struggled to see Death's hands, but he wisely held them away from my gaze. If he wore Cyp's Icon, I couldn't tell.

"Don't be tedious, Empress," he drawled. "Information does not come for free. If I told you the location of your beloved, your alliance would attack me as soon as the words left my mouth. Then I'd be forced to despatch you all. Consider this a mercy."

Gabriel's flared wings twitched, fanning my side. "If you're so certain you'd emerge victorious, why bother to keep us from attacking you?" Though I'd been furious at the Archangel for putting Cyprian in danger in the first place, I had to appreciate his judgment. And the extra warrior. Tybira and I had little chance of overpowering Death even with Gabriel. 

Death tilted his head. "If I truly wanted you dead, I would have moved first and chances are the five of you would already be defeated. I'm offering you a deal because I want something from you." His gaze returned to me, as if he was asking me specifically.

Tybira didn't let him single me out. "And what do you want?"

He shifted his satchel, finally letting me see his hand. I almost sobbed to see it was bare. Death leaned his weight forward as if he was about to walk towards me, but thought better of it. He studied me. "For now, I ask only to dwell in your alliance, not as an ally, but as a guide to the Hanged Man. I will share in your supplies, and you shall defend me as one of your own. Then, when I decide to, I can ask anything I like of you and you shall fulfill my wish."

"That's a horrible deal," Tybira said. I had to agree. We'd never know where we stood, nor what he'd ask of us.

"Perhaps. But it's my deal nonetheless. Even if I told you the location of the Hanged Man, I doubt you'd find him. So will I be escorting you to him or not?"

"No," she answered.

But Death seemed not to have heard her, instead staring expectantly at me. "Empress?"

My stomach was in revolt, flipping in sporadic jerks. A deal with Death? A man I couldn't use my claws against lest I touched his skin and died too. Maybe my vines or spores could take care of him, but then Cyp... I knew I'd have no chance of gleaning his location before Death asked for whatever boon he awaited.

He was playing with us. And unless I agreed to become his pawn, I'd be dooming Cyprian. I'd just be letting him go, letting him die or keep suffering. Abandoning him.

"Can we just talk it over for a moment?" I hated how pleading and pathetic I sounded.

Death only inclined his head.

I snatched Tybira's forearm, hauling her as far away as I dared. Which wasn't very far. I didn't want Death to think I was trying to escape. Gabriel hung back, close enough to hear, but a respectful distance from an alliance he wasn't technically a part of. For some reason human Lotan felt the need to insert himself into our circle. But poor Enki didn't. The Magician simply sat on the dusty ground, gazing at the stump that was his wrist before Tybira was forced to amputate her love's hand.

"We can't do it, Ayesha," Tybira said. "I know you want to save Cyprian. I do too... but it's suicide. There's no chance Death has any good intentions."

"He'll probably demand we kill each other so he can watch," Lotan commented.

"But if he just wanted us dead why wouldn't he kill us outright?" I reasoned.

"So he can watch the paranoia drive us mad?" Tybira guessed. "Who knows what's entertaining to a man called Death."

"You're outnumbered, Empress," said Lotan.

I bristled. "Watch it. If you weren't here, Cyprian would be fine. He'd be here. With me." I thought of the promise I'd made him; after we rescued Lotan from Aphrodisia and the Lovers Most Perverse, I'd give Cyp my maidenhead. I hadn't been particularly excited about the prospect--terrified in fact. But the thought that I'd had the chance to be intimate with Cyprian, to show him how much I loved him, but let my nerves make me wait... it made me sick. Cyp had asked that one thing of me, but I'd refused him, even after he'd done everything for me.

Lotan rolled his eyes. "Fine. This is on you anyway. Gabe and I can just fly out whenever we want."

"Ayesha, you need to think logically about this," Tybira begged. "You think Cyprian would want you to get tangled up with Death for him?"

I looked at Death. He still watched us, or maybe it was me he was watching. I couldn't tell, but from the intensity with which he stared, I was certain he could see right through my hooded jacket. An outfit Cyprian had gotten for me, even if it had been plucked off a dead woman, it had been a woman that tried to kill him, and even after that, he'd thought to bring me back new clothes.  "No... he wouldn't..."

"Exactly," she said. "You owe it to him to protect yourself and the rest of us. A pack will mourn a fallen wolf, but in the end will always prioritize the safety of the pack above the life of one."

She was so quick to step up as the leader? Lady Lotus, my malicious past-life, sunk her claws in the back of my neck, whispering in my mind. The pack organization was her idea. Of course she wanted to be alpha at the beginning. Now, with Cyprian gone, who would stand in her way? I didn't think Tybira would ever arrange Cyprian's absence, but would she put off his rescue in order to cement her role as alpha? She has Enki now. As leader, she'll have everything she could want. I loved Fauna dearly, but how could I forgive her willingness to sacrifice Cyp? And we were Arcana, warriors born to kill each other... I constantly combated Lady Lotus's instructions to murder my friends and I assumed my allies contended with similar voices. No matter how invested we were in each other, our Arcana instincts bayed for blood, sometimes, in the case of Lady Lotus, taking over the puppet strings to my body and speaking through me. Could I ever know when I heard my friend Tybira, or the ruthless growls of the Strength Card?

Matthew? I sent out a desperate mental plea to the Fool. While I hated Matthew for his cowardice, for abandoning us before we faced the Lovers Most Perverse, for not using his foresight to warn me not to let Cyprian leave my side... I still trusted him. I should consider myself lucky a seer had chosen me as his friend; as far as I knew he didn't mentally speak to anyone else. He'd guided me this far, he'd warned me before the Flood, helped me escape Amire's mansion when I'd been imprisoned, and even led me to Cyprian in the first place. If he'd wanted me to find the Hanged Man, why would he leave him for dead now? There must have been a reason.

Or maybe I'm just refusing to accept that I might never see Cyprian again?

-Empress?- Matthew asked in my mind. He sounded hesitant, shy. Not quite as patronizing. Did he sense my fury towards him? Or did he feel guilty for letting harm befall Cyprian, even if the two never really got along.

Matthew, do you know what Death will ask of us if we accept his deal? As I silently communicated, Tybira raised an eyebrow at me. I mouthed Matthew's name. She nodded, but seemed unsatisfied. Had she expected me to have already rejected Death's offer?

-He wants to ask for a lot of things. Mind going very fast.-

So Death hadn't necessarily decided what cruel task to insist upon? Maybe we could sway him towards a less violent option. Does Death want to kill us?

-He wants to touch you,- Matthew answered. For the man empowered by a Touch of Death that was a resounding yes. He very much wanted to kill us. -He's unsure how long he'll wait, but if he kills you now he won't get everything he wants.-

And what else does he want?

-He's hard to read because of all his thoughts. Busy mind. Mostly he wants to touch you.-

Then Tybira's right? I asked. Should we really just abandon Cyp? Is there no way to survive this bargain?

Matthew's voice was silent. For a moment, I believed he'd abandoned me when I truly needed a clear answer, as was his custom, but the full--almost painful--feeling in my skull meant his phantom presence remained with me. Finally, he said, -Remember when Ayesha found me for the first time?-

I remembered when, so long ago, Matthew had drawn me away from our camp to find him. Enki, my former rival, had insisted I'd abandoned the group and urged the others to leave. But Cyprian, wonderful Cyprian, had insisted they wait for me, claiming that I wouldn't just walk out on the alliance. It seemed so long ago then. Before Aphrodesia and the Lovers, before battles with the Devil. But before I'd grown so fond of Enki. And before Cyprian and I had shared a brief kiss in the bottom of a torture-ship.

It hadn't even been a full rotation of the seasons since he'd waited four days for me, yet it was lifetimes ago. We seemed like children then, him still totally in love with Circe and only speaking to me because Enki and Tybira were inseparable and because I'd saved him. And me, a stupidly trusting little girl broken after indirectly killing her sister, so lost in the world of Arcana she'd cling onto even a warm smile or a hand on her back during the worst of her nightmares. Was that really all Cyp and I had been to each other then? The sadness I felt at the prospect of him leaving that day said otherwise. So did the shivers that had rippled up and down my arms when he'd offered me his hand. I'd been infatuated with him even then.

But Cyp, so loyal to Circe, what had he felt for me? Surely nothing compared to his Atlantean queen. Still, it didn't matter what he'd felt then. What mattered was that he stayed, that he called me Flower and comforted when I was plagued by nightmares. What mattered was how our feelings evolved, flourishing into a perfect blossom.

He'd waited for me. And while Tybira wanted to as well, she'd been just as helpless as I was and I had no doubt Enki would have been able to sway her. But not Cyprian. He'd have waited for countless moons, countless winters until I returned to him.

When I finally made my way back to the camp, he'd been there with a broad smile to pat me on the shoulder. Had his hand lingered? The heat that'd rushed to my neck implied that it had. Through the contact he'd beamed down on me as if that was the first moment I made him forget about Circe.

His hand on my shoulder, he'd promised that he'd never leave me behind: "not a chance we'd abandon you, Flower." And now, here I was, wondering if it would be the smarter option to abandon him. What did smart have anything to do with it? He'd promised me he wouldn't abandon me so there wasn't a chance I'd abandon him now.

And yet, Cyprian had abandoned me. He could have left Aphrodisia with me, the two of us victorious, walking off that ship hand in hand, then stealing away to some secluded spot together. It would have been perfect. And yet, he'd made the decision to run away from me without so much as a goodbye or an I love you. So unable to let go of his past he'd insisted on burning down the ship in a proper funeral pyre, and so he'd been lost. And in that decision, he'd abandoned me.

The indecision was debilitating. To agree to Death's offer would be to lose my freedom, becoming a prisoner for the third time since the Flood. But to refuse would be to abandon the one person who'd made me truly happy since Lalita's death.

I knew what Lady Lotus would choose. While the Empress within me was furious at Tybira for suggesting we turn our backs on Cyprian, the red-haired witch would never put herself in such danger, never let herself be a toy. But what would I choose. It came down to whether or not I'd put one life above at least three, myself included.

When I turned back to Death, I found him still gazing at me. Gauging my decision?  My lips trembled when I tried to open them, battling enough grief-stricken tears to make the Flood seem like a trickle. I knew the right choice, the choice Cyp would want me to make. I swallowed the agony in my chest. "I-I've made my decision."