Cloudwhisker sat in front of the Warrior's den and noticed his apprentice, Stagpaw, trying to wiggle her way out of a hunting patrol. If she tried that hard during her training, maybe she wouldn't be so bad at it. Cloudwhisker wasn't surprised when that didn't work, and she was led off into the forest looking less than thrilled. 

With her taken care of, I should get some things done. Cats like him were not ones to be sitting in idle. 

Not if I want to have a chance at being deputy.

Plus, and Cloudwhisker hardly dared to admit it to himself, it kept the fear at bay. Not a regular fear like coming up empty in a hunting patrol, or smelling fox on their territory. The fear Cloudwhisker felt was a constant one. It lingered in the corners of his mind, never completely leaving. And the thing he feared preyed upon him with the suddenness of lightning. 

He shivered as a tremor of it ran through his pelt. For a brief moment, he felt the breath in his chest constrict. 

There was never a good time to have an attack, but there were worse times than others. He was ready to excuse himself should its icy claws return. 

Nothing. 

He hated that, how random it occurred. Times like these, when he was sure an attack would follow, rarely followed through. It was when he was most unaware, be that when he was sleeping, hunting, or talking with his Clanmates. 

"Cloudwhisker!"

The white tom snapped out of his mind, which more often than not, felt like a trap. 

Cinderstar was standing by the bramble entrance. She beckoned for Cloudwhisker to join her. 

Cloudwhisker wondered what could be of such importance that Cinderstar needed to speak to him. He made his way over, unable to leave his fear behind. What if one happens when I'm talking with her?

Cinderstar greeted him with a nod. "Cloudwhisker, as of today it has been a moon since Stagpaw started her training. How goes it?"

"It's well. She's a nervous cat, but it's understandable after what happened to her sister." Cloudwhisker recalled a half moon ago when Stagpaw's sister had been brought back, mangled from the thunderpath. He also recalled the massive panic attack he had suffered that day. He shuddered. 

Cinderstar lowered her head. "It is a tragedy." She held the silence for a moment longer before continuing. "I'd like you to lead a border patrol with Duskfur and Treewhisper."

The white tom looked for Treewhisper and Duskfur, who he found sharing a mouse in a patch of shade. They were relatively new warriors, and Cloudwhisker had the feeling Cinderstar had chosen him for his strength, should they meet any unfriendly cats. 

He bid farewell to his leader before collecting the young warriors, who, presently, were sharing a joke. They fell quiet as Cloudwhisker approached. It could be said he had a reputation for being no-nonsense. 

"We're going to check the RiverClan border," he said, not bothering with pleasantries. Treewhisper and Duskfur stood and followed Cloudwhisker through the bramble tunnel without another word. 

As they made their way to the RiverClan border, Cloudwhisker said nothing. Behind him, Treewhisper and Duskfur spoke softly. They didn't bother including him in their conversation, for they knew he wouldn't be apt for one. 

The patrol was quick and uneventful. Cloudwhisker returned, ate and retired to his nest all in a short span of time. He didn't bother waiting for his mate, Skyflower, to return from her patrol, and by the time she did, he was already asleep. 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Cloudwhisker watched with narrowed eyes as his apprentice, Stagpaw, dropped into a hunter's crouch. The young cat's balance was off, and her legs trembled ever so slightly under her weight. He knew she tried to perform moves right, but everything she did was a little off, not quite correct.

"Put more effort into it!" Cloudwhisker growled. He lashed his tail in frustration.

Stagpaw's paws faltered and she collapsed with an oof. Her blue eyes shone with embarrassment as she turned them to her mentor.

"Sorry," she mumbled, struggling back to her feet.

Cloudwhisker was clearly irritated, and gave his head a shake. Weak cats never go far. They'll only be a liability. At these thoughts, a small worm of doubt twisted in his stomach.

As if you should be speaking. Strong cats don't live their lives in fear.

Another shake of his head, this time to dismiss the unnecessary wanderings of his thoughts. Turning his attention back to Stagpaw, he said, "Again. This time try harder." He was vaguely aware of how gruff he sounded; the drop in Stagpaw's expression told him as much. But he justified his stoniness as an attempt to toughen up his apprentice.

That's when it hit him.

As sudden as a change in wind, Cloudwhisker felt his chest tighten. He knew all too well what this was, and his simultaneous fear and hatred made it worse. He also knew he had to excuse himself. Right now.

"I'll be back," he said, the words threatening to catch in his throat.

His apprentice regarded him with concern. Stagpaw was smart enough to know something was wrong, and she almost made an attempt to ask him where he was off to.

His condition worsening, Cloudwhisker prayed to StarClan he had enough control to make it out of the training hollow. Already, his heart was racing and nothing could hide the violent shaking of his legs.

Through some miracle, he managed to brush through the undergrowth and for several heartbeats he continued to walk until his legs grew numb, forcing him to the ground. The warm leaf mold pressed against his fur, and it felt like the only thing that wasn't as fragile as mist.

For what felt like forever, he was overwhelmed to the point of numbness. His thoughts felt like leaves in a windstorm: scattered, chaotic, and hopeless if he tried to catch them. He knew the only thing he could do now was wait for the storm to pass.

Ears flat to his head, he trembled as wave after wave of raw panic rushed through his system. Even the air itself proved to be an enemy as it pressed heavy on his chest and all around him.

Slowly, his heartbeat returned to normal. Cloudwhisker was able to feel the icy claws recede until, at last, he could regain control of his mind.

And yet he lay there for a bit longer. Though he was mentally exhausted, he couldn't help but feel a flare of anger at himself. He had tried new methods each time for preventing these attacks but he had yet to find one that worked.

You're so weak, his thoughts mocked, you'll never be able to be deputy. Imagine suffering from an attack in front of ThunderClan, in front of all the Clans. It was these thoughts that plagued the darkest corners of his mind, and weighed unseen upon his shoulders. Even if Cloudwhisker refused to acknowledge it, they inhibited his success more than his panic ever could.

Legs still shaky, now from fatigue, Cloudwhisker picked through the undergrowth back to the training hollow. He rotated through different explanations for his abrupt absence. They all fell flat.

Stagpaw was waiting patiently upon his return. The small she-cat had her tail curled neatly around her paws and glanced up at his mentor's approach. "Is everything alright?" She asked, rising to her feet.

Cloudwhisker gave his pelt a quick shake, sending leaf scraps and dirt fluttering down. Giving a small dip of his head, he changed the subject. "Training is done for today. Your crouch is still sloppy, and your leaping could use some work, too. Improve those by the next time we have session." The words took effort to speak, and Cloudwhisker wanted to do nothing more than take a long nap. Every bone in his body shrieked for it.

Stagpaw blinked, not completely used to Cloudwhisker's straight forward manner but not too surprised either. She nodded and followed the white tom out of the hollow and back to camp.

The trek home was more exhausting than Cloudwhisker expected. It took everything he had not to drag his paws, for he was the strongest warrior in ThunderClan, and that meant maintaining a fierce presence. Laziness was not allowed.

But as he continued to hold his head high and act nonchalant, he began to wonder how long he could keep it up. Sooner or later, I'm going to break in front of my clanmates. A small bubble of panic rose in his chest.

No.

"May I get some fresh-kill?" Stagpaw asked. She looked like she half expected her mentor to refuse.

Cloudwhisker briefly considered it, but he knew it would be cruel to keep her from eating. She had given effort at her training. He dipped his head.

They were at the entrance of ThunderClan camp, with the brambles swaying slightly in a light breeze.

Home already.

Upon emerging into the camp, he realized there was a small crowd of cats gathered around High Rock. Their leader, Cinderstar, raised her fluffy white tail in greeting upon seeing them.

"Cloudwhisker, Stagpaw! I would like you to join us for the Gathering tonight. Please be ready before moonhigh," she meowed, her voice ringing clearly though the camp.

Outwardly, Cloudwhisker nodded. Inside, however, he suppressed a massive sigh. That's the last thing I want to do.

As the crowd of cats dispersed, Cloudwhisker took a mouse from the fresh-kill pile and found a place beside the warriors' den to eat it. His eyes passed over his clanmates who chatted with each other, oblivious to Cloudwhisker's attacks. They saw him as a stoic warrior who had aspirations for deputy-ship. They knew nothing of the nights where he woke in a cold dread, unable to breathe, or the times when he excused himself to find a place to suffer away from their eyes.

And it's better that they didn't, he assured himself. They can't help, so what's the purpose?

At this point, he wasn't even sure StarClan could help. It was his curse alone to bear. And it hurt him as Skyflower padded up, her long tail waving in greeting and a light purr dancing from her lips. 

"How are you, Cloudwhisker?" Her purr faltered as she noticed how tired he looked. "I assume the training session didn't go as well as you expected?"

He sighed. "No, it... Stagpaw has promise, that is if she stopped overthinking everything." He again considered telling her the real problem, for she was the one cat in ThunderClan he felt he was able to let his guard down around. He looked up at her glittering blue eyes, which were round with concern. 

Even she knows something's up. She always has. The words were at the tip of his tongue, begging to be spoken, but something in the back of his mind refused to allow them passage. The only thing they see me as is strong, and if I'm not that, then what am I?

"Please, leave me alone."

Both Skyflower's tail and expression fell. She gave her mate one last look before turning to pad across camp, presumably to share prey with her denmates.

Cloudwhisker didn't know how to feel, and he was too tired to try and figure it out. Knowing there was a small bit of time until they were called for the Gathering, he let his eyelids flutter down, if only to catch a few heartbeats of rest. 

Safe to say, it didn't last long. The voices of his clanmates woke him as Cinderstar collected those that would be attending. He rose to his paws. They were heavier than he would have liked. 

Joining his clanmates, he found Stagpaw bouncing with excitement. This would be her first Gathering. Pity her sister isn't here with her.

As they set off into the woods, now alit with speckled moonlight, Cloudwhisker caught up to Stagpaw. He had to admit that it made him happy to see her so excited. 

She turned to look at him, her eyes gleaming. "Can I talk to cats from other Clans?"

"Yes, but don't share ThunderClan secrets. Especially if they pry." He felt like he needed to add more. Just a general tip that mentors would give their apprentices. "And don't pick fights." 

I doubt she would. 

". . .and try to be more social." He finished. It came off as quite blunt, but Cloudwhisker didn't particularly care. He felt that she needed more social interaction, perhaps it would make her less nervous.

He then turned his thoughts back inward, where he prayed to StarClan he wouldn't have to face two panic attacks in one day. It had happened only once before and had left him so drained he nearly passed out. 

I can't let them see me like that. I can't.