By NickfEast

In a tall stone tower, in a deep green forest, in the most economically and intellectually backward region of the nation of Empris, on the continent of Sojurut, on the planet of Houm, the free sorcerer Rainer (short for Rainekroulevonerumeth), previously of the Dalmicir magick school, sat staring at a book.

He'd been staring at it for days, weeks even, who knew, time was a relative concept for a sorcerer as wise (or, more accurately, as jaded) as he. The book was very important to him, important enough for him to have given up the status and comfortable living of life in the magick school, yet he was struggling to read it.

"It would be easier," he thought to himself, "if that damned Xefef would just shut up."

As if on cue, Emma's monotone chanting started up again. The tower was overcrowded with the two of them, and nothing but a thin partition wall separated Rainer from his free sorcerer neighbour. And Gadzooks, that noise was infuriating.

Rainer slammed his book closed. Sometimes, he wondered why he had left Pentakl at all. Not for this, that's for sure. But no. He looked down at his book. It was exactly for this.

Stories.

The Dalmicir Magick School didn't believe in storytelling. There were 436 rules and decrees regulating against the writing or reading of made-up narratives in Pentakl, and 326 extra just for the Dalmicir.

Rainer had argued to his colleagues that stories were important, that fiction could communicate vital knowledge. The head of Dalmicir magic had simply scoffed this was nonsense, saying, "A lie telling the truth is no more possible than a truth that tells a lie."

Rainer couldn't argue with that—not because it was correct, but because the strict edicts on relative status in Pentakl didn't allow back-chat.

Regardless, Rainer could not give up his fiction habit. Problematically, as there were no novels in the tower, he had to write his own stories to satisfy his cravings for literature. This wasn't perfect, however, as he was never surprised by the endings.

It was that wish for surprise that eventually drove him out of Pentakl, to try his luck as a free sorcerer.
That's how he met his non-male colleague Emma (short for Emmaligerinashita). When Emma turned up at the door to their tower, Rainer wanted to send him away. He had a low opinion of the Xelef school in general, and this one was clearly two beer barrels short of a pub: how Emma had managed to graduate without moving beyond the need for enunciating, loudly, whatever he read was beyond Rainer. The Xelef was clearly a dunce and a fool!

But then Rainer saw the books. A whole wagon of them, which Emma dragged behind himself, breathless, on a little rope. Turns out he loved fiction too, and that's why he left Xelef and Pentakl. But along the way, who knows how, he'd managed to amass himself quite the collection of books.

Rainer smiled just thinking about it. It was just a shame he had to listen to Emma, reciting at top volume, whenever he tried to read one.

As he sat musing on this problem, he realised the very noise he was thinking about had stopped, replaced by the thumping of feet, and a loud knock on his door. Without waiting for an answer, Emma pushed it open. It was times like this Rainer really missed the exacting hierarchy of the Dalmicir Magick School. A toadstool eater like Emma would never be permitted there to knock on his door.

"Rainer!" Emma was waving a heavy paperback tome. "This one! This one! I finally read it! We've got to talk about it!"

Rainer took it from his colleague's hands to study the title. "The Last Philosopher? Yes, I finished that aeons ago. So, go on then. What have you got to say?"

1) Story: Did we like it? Did it draw us in? Was it believable? Did it bore us? What did we think of its plot?

"This is the thing," Emma said, kicking a pile of books to the floor and sitting down in a rickety wooden chair. "I'm torn on this, I really am. I think I'm going to have to break it down. First, the world was wonderful. So rich, so detailed, so cohesive, so interesting. Really fabulous complex societal detail, which I loved.

Second, the writing was smart, and funny, and peppered with astute and thought provoking asides (such as '"I wonder how many places I've already visited for the last time," Isath interjected nonsensically. The three sorcerers, in mutual silence, decided not to acknowledge the gnome's statement.'). The sentences were well crafted, and the grammar was very good.

Third, the plot, if you were to synopsize it, is interesting and original.

But, and this is a big but, it didn't draw me in. It was full of admirable technique and craft, but it didn't draw me in. I've been trying to work out why this is, and it's about story structure, I think. I feel like the story doesn't hook me enough. There's this incredible world populated by interesting people, but the plot tends to plod along, with no sense of urgency at many points, and no questions really driving me to keep reading. So yes, this is a well-written book, but I unfortunately found it very put-down-able, which is partly why it's taken me so long to read it." Emma exhaled noisily.

That and you're a babbling turnip head, Rainer didn't say.

What he did say, so, was the following. "The narrative voice of the book is very strong, opinionated and funny. I agree with you on this. I also..." He hesitated, realizing that he just had agreed on something with his way too wordy neighbor, and that he was about to agree again. "I found... before you even reached these parts of the book... that some parts lack tension. But only some of them. For instance, there's a part involving amorous feelings, and that one worked well for me. Also, the very first part, where someone escapes their confines, had enough urgency for me. But I do see what you mean... er... I've already seen what you mean. Yes, the plot starts to have a goal once the P-wyrd is introduced, but that's just a far-away, final culmination, and there could be more sub-plots, small arcs of tension, that carry the reader along."

Rainer took a breath.

2) Characters: Are your characters plausible, tangible, and relatable? How do they grow and change? Did they work out for us?

Emma used this short break in Rainer's speech to carry on. "I found some of the characters more relatable than the others. I enjoyed a lot of the Stagna goings on, and especially Charlene's POV, for example, but tended to get bored during Lyeasrakardsul's.

It took me a while to realise why that was, but I finally put it down to exposition. There was. So. Much. Telling in Lyeasrakardsul's chapters, all about history, magick, etc., obviously because he's a learned man. Now don't get me wrong, that stuff is interesting—in small doses. But this wasn't small doses. It was like 7/9ths of the text in some chapters. It's just too much. I mean, I just love garlic, I put it in pretty much everything. But I don't want to sit down and munch on a bulb like an apple, you know?

Whereas Charlene's chapters, as is commensurate with someone less educated, were more action, less world-building essay, so therefore an easier read and more immersive."

Rainer let the book's pages run through his fingers, enjoying the wordy smell carried in their wind. The Gnomes had recently come up with a new invention, elecktrick books, where one little device could hold hundreds or even thousands of volumes, but here was something these devices couldn't do—smell like books should smell. Anyways, the Gnomes themselves smelled so bad, they wouldn't notice a difference.

Emma tapped an impatient finger on the armrest of his chair.

"Er..." Rainer tore his thoughts away from the topic. "The characters... They are non-stereotypical and quite unique. Quirky. Original. Diverse. That's one of the strongest aspects of the book, in my... humble... view. There are many of them, though, especially among the sorcerers, and it's easy to lose track of them. And their long, portentous, pompous names don't help. Don't you think so... Emmaligerinashita?"

"Of course, dear Rainek... rou... levon... erumeth."

Rainer huffed. "And, as you've seen correctly, the tales of the wizards in the early chapters are weighted down by too much history. That's also one of the reasons the first wizard chapters lack tension. You are wrong, though, about the garlic. Eating a bulb of garlic like an apple has its merits. It keeps the vamps away, and the non-male brothers, too."

3) Feelings: How does your story feel?

Emma opened her mouth for a riposte, but Rainer held up a hand. "Wait, I haven't finished yet. I wanted to tell about the feeling the book conveys. That feeling is... epic. The story encompasses such different settings and personalities, it immerses the reader in a rich, multi-faceted world."

"The world really is fantastic," Emma agreed. "And I'm impressed by how well the author writes women, and non-males."

4) Pacing: are there any parts of your book that feel slow, or rushed, or superfluous to the movement of the story?

"It felt very slow to me," Emma continued. "I mean, I don't know how long this is, as it's hard to work out on Wattpad, but it felt like reading the action of Game of Thrones spread over the wordcount of A Song of Ice and Fire sometimes. I felt like I read a lot of words, and very little actually happened, if I'm honest. It could really do with speeding up."

Rainer smiled. "You're young and impulsive. You'll learn soon enough... I hope... that speed is not everything. Being an older-than-average WP denizen, I don't mind slow-paced books. But even for me, the pace sometimes didn't feel like a pace at all, more like a standstill... a wordy and funny one, though.

"This is especially true for the beginning, for the sorcerers' chapters, where they remember stuff that had happened earlier, as we've seen above. Giving some background is necessary, sometimes, don't get me wrong. But I feel that it should not stretch chapters, at least not early in a story, before the reader has had the opportunity to build emotional ties to the characters."

5) Spelling & grammar: What's our impression of your spelling and your grammar? Here we will not address individual issues but give a general assessment.

"I thought that spelling and grammar were excellent," Emma said. "Odd mistakes, like anything, but generally high standards, excellent writing technique, no complaints."

Rainer shrugged, releasing a minor avalanche of dandruff from his shoulders. "In general, the writing is very solid. And it's clever, smart, and observant. The occasional, rare typos or other minor issues don't mar the experience. There are a number of tense lapses, though, and I'd recommend fixing them. In the first parts, where the sorcerers drone on, I saw a tendency towards long sentences. Even though this is in tune with their personality, it... and a reluctance to apply commas at the right places... made reading a bit hard at times."

6) Suggestions: Do we have any suggestions for improving the book?

"So..." Rainer set up a teacherly face. "Do you have any suggestions for improving the book?"

Emma sat straight but still had to look up at his colleague. Silently, Rainer congratulated himself on making sure that his own chair was the highest one in the room.

"Yes," Emma said, "tighten it up. Give me some more tension, and drive the plot forward. Hold some world-building detail back and focus on plot, which is often treated like an afterthought in the writing—for example, when our travelling sorcerers split up on the road, I had no idea that was coming, what it meant, or why it was relevant, but it felt like it should have been a major plot point. Build up the tension. The potential for tension is there in the plot already—the structure and presentation of it just need some whittling.

"I'm a bit torn on being so harsh on this, because I feel like part of the joy of Wattpad is just letting go, and writing for fun, and letting it wander wherever your imagination takes you. Hell, my stories on here can be as meandering and masturbatory as a Rush guitar solo. But at the same time, the writing in this book is very strong and has a lot of potential, and that (plus the author's bio) makes me think that traditional publishing is maybe a route the author is interested in, and I believe is capable of aiming for. But to do that, he has to hook readers.

"And if you want to write for the sake of readers, rather than just the unadulterated joy of writing, structure is so, so important."

Rainer nodded. "Good. Excellent. In a way, a writer should be like a teacher. It's not enough to offload information. He has to take the reader by the hand and motivate him. Each lesson, or chapter, should have an adventure of its own. And it's important to avoid a steep learning curve. That applies to the first sorcerers' chapters. Focus on fewer of them and tell small stories about them instead of trying to describe them and their history completely."

7) Highlights: What did we enjoy most?

"But..." Rainer pointed a finger at the crumbling ceiling above their heads—in a normal abode, it would have collapsed decades ago, but it stayed put where it was out of pure respect of its wise inhabitants. "Don't get me wrong. The story has a large potential for all the reasons above. It would absolutely be worth investing time to give it the structure you mention. Especially, I've liked all the smart things in it. The little, small pieces of wisdom and wit. Let me see..." He rummaged through the scrolls, papers, and books on his desk to retrieve a small, bleached piece of parchment where he kept his notes. "Here are some examples:

"Picking the raisins of truth from the bun of confusion...

"The man was as strange as strangers come..."

"You're a real askhole..." He chuckled and focused on Emma. Then he continued.

"I'm doing it Pro Bone. It's like helping people but fancy.

He looked up. "Aren't these pure gems, Emma?"

Emma nodded. "Yes, the writing was excellent, and intelligent, and full of joyfully smart details and humour—such as all the sorcerers using the male pronoun, or the relationship between the sorcerers and gnomes."

8) Audience: Who do we think would most enjoy this book, and why?

"This is certainly a book for readers with a brain between their ears. For those who... are able to grasp the meaning of a sentence without reading it aloud." He locked eyes with Emma. Emma locked back, a dangerous glitter in his stare. Rainer shook his head to break the contact. "Do you like Terry Pratchett? Now, here's a book for you!"

"Yes, people who want fabulous world building and intelligent detail, and have a high tolerance for exposition and words in general. Like sorcerers!" Emma finished triumphantly.

"That being said, let's get back to work." Rainer reached for a list on his table and studied it. "Actually, next one up would be 'Panora' by rickrodan1000p But that one is incomplete, and it hasn't been updated since last October. According to our rules..." Rules were the marrow of the bones of each sorcerer, and applying one never failed to give Rainer a warm, thrilling feeling. "Incomplete books that haven't been updated for a long time don't get reviews. So we've agreed to put this one to the end of our queue. If updates have resumed when we reach it, or if it is even complete by then, we'll have a look at it. So—"

"—next one is 'Bereft: Demise' by rentachi ." Emma grinned and waved with a book that he had retrieved from the depth of his robes.

Rainer frowned at the interruption. Rude. "Yes, my dearest... colleague." There were 27 ways to pronounce the word 'colleague', and the one he used wasn't the most flattering—by far. "And when we read that, we will try to read it silently. Thanks for your visit." He waved his hand in a dismissive gesture.

Emma got up, which brought his head to a level with Rainer's, smiled sweetly, then turned with a rustle of garments, and left the room without a word.

Seconds later, Emma's reading voice started droning through the wall separating their rooms.