TOTGA: What if hindi nabuksan si Pipa sa tamang oras?

Wedding jitters ba 'yong ayaw mong isuot ang damit-pangkasal mo at gusto mong maghanap ng kahit na anong rason para manatiling nakaupo lang sa harap ng vanity mirror?

Today is my wedding day with Robbie. Everyone was excited. I know they really are, ilang week pa lang before this day. Heck, ilang month pa lang before this day, excited na sina Mama at Papa. I thought I looked forward to this day, too. I took part in planning everything. I busied myself in providing and approving details for this day. I thought I wanted this. Was I wrong?

The makeup artist nodded with approval while looking at me on the mirror. Flawless ang bridal makeup ko. This was way more beautiful than our practice makeup a week ago. I was less jittery then. I was a little happy then. Back then, I felt this was a good decision . . . the right decision. Ngayong araw . . . hindi ako alam kung bakit wala akong sayang nararamdaman. Mabigat ang katawan ko na parang magkakasakit ako. Kung hindi ako uminom ng gamot sa migraine, I'm sure na nagsusuka na ako ngayon.

Nape-pressure lang ba ako? Pero saan?

"Miss Pfifer, it's time to wear your gown. We'll help you," sabi ng isa sa mga wedding assistant na mayroon ako.

I know it was time to wear my gown. Nilingon ko iyon sa mannequin na kinasusuotan. It was designer's. Kumikinang sa mamahaling crystal at handmade ang embroidery. Princess-cut ang bodice, see-through ang itaas ng dibdib at ang long-sleeve. Mahaba ang likuran. Robbie paid a fortune to make sure I got the best gown. He also booked the most expensive hotel near the cathedral where we would be wed to make sure I was comfortable. Our list of guests got businessmen, politicians, powerful people. The wedding was extravagant, we were featured by a lifestyle magazine. Suddenly, we were too important people.

Inalalayan akong tumayo ng isa sa mga assistant. I was not myself, not present in the moment, when they made me wear the gown. They helped me with my shoes. They fixed my hair for the last time. They smiled and wished me luck.

Kahit nang i-announce ng isa sa mga assistant ang pagdating nina Papa at Mama para samahan ako papunta sa cathedral, wala ako sa sarili. At the back of my head, I was thinking about my phone. Where did I put it? May access ba ako? May tatawag ba?

It was foolish to have this little hope, this curiosity, whether that guy remembered about the wedding today. I made sure he knew when I saw him for the last time. I was drunk, then. Inihatid niya ako sa bahay namin pero wala na siya paggising ko. Hindi ko na rin siya mahagilap pagkatapos niyon. Naging mas istrikto si Papa sa akin dahil ikakasal na ako kay Robbie at mali ang pakikipagkita ko kay Ivan. Mali na magpapakalasing ako at si Ivan ang una kong hahanapin. Sumunod ako kahit labag sa loob ko kasi tama si Papa—mali ang ginagawa ko kay Robbie at mali na idinadamay ko si Ivan. The feelings I still had for Ivan was my fault. Hindi ako dapat manakit ng tao dahil sa kasalanan ko.

Still, I tried to break up with Robbie after that night . . . but it wasn't easy? Lagi akong mahal ni Robbie. Lagi akong naiintindihan. He took me out one night and promised to take care of my heart. Sabi niya, alam niyang baka may lingering feelings pa ako para sa iba. Sabi niya, baka nalilito ako. At sabi niya, tanggap niya ako at ang mga kahinaan ko. That he would do whatever it would take to be deserving of my love. That he would earn not just my respect, but my heart. Basta pakasalan ko siya dahil 'yon ang tamang gawin.

He was right about that. I promised to marry him. Hindi ako puwedeng basta mag-back out dahil sa nakaraan at dahil sa walang kasiguruhan. Naisip ko nang gabing 'yon, baka may mga kuwento talaga na gaya sa amin ni Ivan. Mga pagmamahal na gaya ng posibleng mayroon kami para sa isa't isa. 'Yong klase na baliw na baliw sa isa't isa . . . na ginawa sentro at mundo ang isa't isa . . . pero hindi pa rin magtatagpo sa dulo. Na kahit gaano n'yo minahal ang isa't isa, mali ang timing. Hindi ako sumugal noon na itanong sa kanya nang deretso kung ano kami. Hindi siya sumugal noon na pangalanan agad kung ano ang mayroon kami. Naiwan ang magandang pagmamahal namin sa nakaraan, sa college . . . at kahit na parang may pagkakataon pa para dugtungan kung ano ang mayroon kami dati, hindi na puwede. Kasi marami nang masasaktan. Kasi masyado nang mahaba ang panahong sinayang namin. Kasi mali na. Pagkakamali nang ituloy ang isang bagay na ni hindi malinaw kung nagsimula nga ba. Pagkakamali nang patuloy na magmahal at umasa sa isang pagmamahal na hindi naman pinangalanan kahit noon pa. Pagkakamali kami ni Ivan.

Marrying Robbie was the right thing. Pero bakit kahit tama itong gagawin ko, bakit wala akong maramdamang gaan o saya? Bakit wala akong maramdamang ginhawa? Bakit parang hindi lang si Ivan ang tinatalikuran ko kundi pati ang sarili ko?

"Where's my phone?" tanong ko sa mga nasa silid ko.

Lahat sila ay nag-abalang hanapin ang hinahanap ko. They found it under the pillow of my enormous bed.

"Bakit, Princess?" tanong ni Papa. "Tatawagan mo pa si Robbie? Nasa simbahan na raw siya kanina pa."

Iniabot sa akin ng assistant ang cellphone ko. It was quiet. Walang missed calls o naliligaw na messages.

Not even one stray message from him.

Pero ano ba'ng inaasahan ko?

This is your answer today, right, Ivan? Ito 'yong tayo pagkalipas ng limang taon. Ako, ikakasal sa taong nagmamahal sa akin at handang sumugal sa akin kahit ilang ulit. At ikaw, tahimik gaya ng dati.

You'd hold my hand, you'd kiss me, you'd tell me I was your world . . . but I wouldn't have a single thing to hold on to except for the memories. You wouldn't answer my questions. You wouldn't tell me you'd fight for me. You wouldn't dare cross the line to take me away from this.

And this is going to be my answer too. I'm too much of a coward to hurt Robbie and my dad. I'd do something I might regret just because it looked like the right thing to do.

Pakiramdam ko, hindi ako magiging masaya. Pero kung hindi ko man magawang maging maligaya para sa sarili ko, sa kasal na 'to magagawa ko man lang na maging maligaya ang mga magulang ko at ang fiance ko sa paninindigan sa pangako ko.

"Let's go po," sabi ko kina Mama at Papa. Pinilit kong ngumiti kahit halos ayaw gumalaw ng mga labi ko.

Ngumiti si Papa. Gumaan ang mukha na tila nawalan ng mga alalahanin. "You'll be happy, Princess," sabi niya nang hawakan ang kamay ko.

Tipid lang na ngumiti sa akin si Mama. May worry sa mukha.

"You'll be happy with Robbie," ulit ni Papa.

I would try, Papa.

***

Six years later . . .

"Yes, I think I'm near the area na, Ma'am Tere," sabi ko sa kausap ko sa telepono. I adjusted my earpiece before backing my car. Na-miss ko kasi 'yong road kung saan ako dapat lumiko.

"Kahit Aling Tere na lang, Ma'am. Dumeretso na lang po kayo, ha? Pagdating n'yo roon ay may magbubukas ng gate," anito.

"Po? Wala po kayo sa area ngayon?"

I was on my way to visit a house I was planning to buy. Kauuwi lang namin ni Robbie from Japan a few weeks ago. What was supposedly a honeymoon, ended up as a temporary residence in Japan. Simple lang ang reason niyon—business. Nag-set up kami ng branch ng negosyo roon katuwang ang ilang Japanese investor. Robbie assured me I didn't have to go as far as live with him in Japan, but I insisted. Hindi kasi nawala ang migraines ko. Nagwo-worry na lang kaming lahat na baka mag-lead sa mga bagay na mas malala ang dinadamdam ko. A change of environment would help. And it did help. Sa panahong nasa Japan ako, kumalma ang migraine ko. Sometimes, I felt like I was close to being happy. But that was all I got—an almost happiness.

Hindi ko rin masyadong naiisip si Ivan doon. Naiwasan ko ring mag-check pa sa kanya dahil malayo ako.

Anyway, now that we were back in the country, the first thing I was looking for was a house. I found one for sale, and it was ideal dahil nasa isang malaking compound. May dalawa pang katabing bahay ang nagustuhan ko. I thought of giving one for Mama and Papa, and the other one, maybe we could turn into a sort of a guest house. Malaki rin ang bakuran niyon. I think it would do for a pavilion of sort. Or maybe a large pool.

Ang caretaker ng bahay ay si Ma'am Tere. I was expecting na siya ang magto-tour sa akin sa property.

"Nando'n naman si Jesuah, iyong isa sa may-ari ng bahay," sabi ni Ma'am Tere. "Siya ang mag-iikot sa 'yo."

Kinabahan ako sa narinig kong pangalan. Jesuah? Hindi naman siguro Hernandez ang apelyido n'on? Kakaunti lang ang kilala kong Jesuah.

"O siya, magsabi ka 'pag nagkita na kayo, ha?"

Tumango ako kahit hindi ako makikita. Doble-doble pa rin ang tibok ng puso ko nang makarating sa destinasyon ko. May nagbukas nga ng gate. Hindi pa ako bumababa ng kotse, nakita ko na agad si Jesuah na nakangiti.

Hernandez nga.

Napalunok ako nang patayin ang makina ng kotse ko at tuluyang bumaba.

Natigilan sandali si Jesuah bago makabawi at ngumiti. "'Di ko alam na ikaw pala ang client na sinasabi ni Aling Tere. Peper kasi nang Peper."

I already taught Aling Tere how to pronounce my name, pero wala palang kinahinatnan. Tingin ko naman ay easy lang dapat. Fay-Fer.

"Hi. Hindi ko rin alam na ikaw ang, uh, may-ari ng bahay?" Lumingon agad ako sa tatlong bahay na nasa property.

"Alin ba diyan ang pinakagusto mo?" tanong ni Jesuah na lumapit nang kaunti sa akin.

Itinuro ko ang pangatlo at nasa dulong bahay. "That one. Ikaw ang may-ari?" ani ko.

"Ah . . ." Narinig ko siyang bumulong, "Patay." Tumikhim siya bago ngumiti nang kaunti. "Hindi. Kay Ivan."

Ivan. It felt different to hear his name from someone else's mouth. Laging sa isip ko lang tinatawag at naririnig ang pangalan niya, I almost convinced myself he was non-existing. Iba ang marinig iyon nang may buhay at may pamilyaridad sa bibig ng isang taong malapit sa kanya.

"For sale itong tatlo, 'di ba?" ani ko.

"Oo. Itong nasa unahan, kay Hakob. Itong nasa gitna, sa akin. 'Yong nasa dulo, kay Ivan."

I swallowed. "Bakit n'yo nga pala ibinebenta? Mukhang you have plans naman to live close to each other."

"Ah . . . Kasi . . ." Nag-clear ng throat nang ilang ulit si Jesuah. Muntik kong payuhan na bumili ng para sa lalamunan. "Ayaw na kasi rito ni Ivan."

"Bakit? Ayaw ng wife niya here?" tanong ko. I tried with all my might to sound casual.

"Ah." Lalo siyang naglinis ng lalamunan. "Hindi pa naman kasal si Ivan."

Nanlamig ang buong katawan ko, bago malusaw ang puso ko sa kalungkutan. "Why?"

"Pero baka magpakasal na rin 'yon. Kung sagutin niya 'yong babaeng nangungulit sa kanya ngayon."

Of course he'd have girls like that. "Pa'no 'yong lady engineer niya before? Hindi sila nagkatuluyan?"

Nangunot ang noo ni Jesuah. "You mean ikaw?"

Natigilan kaming dalawa sa lumabas sa bibig niya.

"Joke lang," bawi niya at napaubo nang pilit. "Sinong lady engineer?"

"'Yong date niya no'ng sa—"

"Ah, 'yon," una niya. "'Di naman niya lady engineer 'yon."

"Then . . . hindi niya naging girlfriend 'yon?"

"Hindi."

Lalo akong naguguluhan. "So this house . . . he build this sa naging girlfriend niya after that lady engineer?"

Nagkamot na ng ulo si Jesuah. "Hirap naman ng mga tanungan mo, Pfifer."

"I mean, bakit siya may ganitong house if hindi siya nagka-girlfriend?"

"May binalak siyang pakasalan, 'ayun. 'Tapos bawal na 'kong magdagdag kasi baka ikamatay ko na."

"At ayaw na niya ngayon sa house kaya niya ibinebenta?"

"Oo."

"Hindi na ba siya pakakasalan no'ng babaeng binalak niyang pakasalan?" Kung sino man that girl? I mean, how could anyone not marry Ivan when he practically build a house for that lucky girl?

Pero teka, paano siyang magpapakasal if hindi siya nagka-girlfriend before? Ang gulo?

"Nagpakasal sa iba 'yong babae eh. Gigibain dapat ni Ivan 'yong bahay nila no'ng nalaman niya 'yong sa kasal, pero pinigilan ko. Nagpapigil naman 'tapos pinilit tapusin 'tong bahay . . . pero ayaw na raw niya rito. Payag naman kaming ibenta nga niya para bakasakali, maka-move on siya ro'n sa babae. Kaso pa'no mo-move on kung . . ."

Nilingon ko si Jesuah na sa bahay nakatuon.

"Kung?"

"Wala. Ikot ba tayo?"

Tumango ako.

***

I saw all the houses and I liked the whole place . . . except if I would buy it, I'd have to talk to Ivan, too. Hindi ako sigurado kung gusto kong makita siya. The plan was to tell Jesuah to just wait for my decision and maybe I'd let our family lawyer handle the purchase.

"Alam mo na ba palabas?" ani Jesuah sa akin.

"Yes. May app naman. I can navigate." I actually would have wanted to rush out of the place, pero madaldal si Jesuah. I learned that he was already married to Ivan's sister, Yanyan, and Jacob already married Iya.

"O sige. Ipagbubukas lang kita ng gate at—"

Natigilan si Jesuah habang nakatingin sa gate. Sinundan ko ang tinitingnan niya at nakita roon ang isang taong dapat ay iiwasan ko.

"Ivan . . ."

It was weird to say his name out loud. I felt an ache I had learned to bury long ago.

"Pfifer . . ."

Tinakasan ako ng lakas sa buong katawan ko pagtawag niya sa pangalan ko.

***

"Iwan ko muna kayo. Baka gusto n'yong magkumustahan, eh."

Iyon lang ang sinabi ni Jesuah nang iwan kami ni Ivan habang pareho kaming natitigilan sa pagkakatingin sa isa't isa.

I told myself I would tell him immediately that I was on my way to leave. That I would let our lawyer take care of the purchase if ever I decided to buy the property. That I didn't need to know anything about him for the past years. Yet here I was, sitting one arm apart from him at a bench outside the third house—the house he built for someone he wanted to marry.

Baka ni hindi niya gustong kausap ako.

"Kumusta ka?" he asked in a low voice.

I was taken aback. Kinukumusta niya ako?

"I'm okay."

Na-conscious ako dahil napatingin siya sa wedding ring ko.

"Kailan ka pa nakabalik galing ibang bansa?" aniya uli.

"A few weeks ago."

"Wala ka nang migraine?"

"Wala lately."

"Kasama mo na pabalik, uh . . . siya?"

He meant Robbie.

"Yes."

Tumango-tango siya bago malalim na nagbuntonghininga. "Pasensya ka na kay Pato kung iniwan pa tayo para mag-usap. Wala naman na akong sasabihin."

Lagi naman siyang walang sasabihin. Even back then, when I asked him to tell me what truth he had been holding back from me, he didn't tell me anything. I don't want to go through the same process of doubting everything and everyone again. I have . . .

The phone in my purse vibrated. Kinuha ko iyon at binuksan. There was a message from my three-year old son. It was a voice message. Tinulungan siguro ng Yaya niya na mag-send.

It played kahit hindi ko pinindot intentionally. I think my finger grazed the screen.

"Mommy, go home. Misses you."

Malalim uling nagbuntonghininga si Ivan. "Anak mo?"

Mabigat ang naging paglunok ko. Pakiramdam ko, may ginawa akong masama. "Yes."

"Congratulations."

I bit the inner part of my lower lip to prevent myself from crying. "I—I have to go . . . Ivan."

"Oo," tanging sabi niya.

Tumayo ako at dali-daling humakbang palayo. Kailangan kong lumayo sa hindi niya matatanaw at hindi niya maaabot. No. Kailangan kong lumayo sa hindi ko siya matatanaw at hindi maaabot. Dahil doon ko lang magagawang huminga—sa pag-iisip na nasa nakaraan siya at wala na sa kasalukuyan.

"Pfifer . . ."

Kusang nawalan ng lakas ang mga paa ko sa paghakbang. Naghintay ako sa sasabihin niya.

"Curious lang ako kung . . . Naalala mo 'yong alkansya na ibinigay ko sa 'yo dati? Nabuksan mo ba talaga 'yon? Nabasag?"

It was a question I didn't expect to hear. Lumingon ako sa kanya. I lied to him before about that but I came clean about it. Umamin ako sa pagsisinungaling ko years ago pa.

"I told you in a letter that I lied about it when you asked me before. Sabi ko no'ng college tayo, bumili ako ng kotse gamit ang pera ko na galing sa alkansya, pero hindi 'yon totoo. After the wedding, I told Yaya to send it back to you. Because I couldn't . . . I couldn't bring myself to break it. Hindi mo ba natanggap 'yon kasama ng letter ko?"

"All this time . . . hindi mo nga nabasag?"

Umiling ako. "Bakit? Ano'ng . . . May importante ba akong dapat ginawa?" Or deal-breaker ba sa kanya 'yong pagsisinungaling ko noon?

Pain blurred his eyes so bad I almost rushed to hold him. Bakit ganoon kasakit ang nasa mga mata niya dahil doon? What did I miss? What's hurting him?

"Ah, 'yon pala." Mapait ang naging pagngiti niya sa akin. "'Wag mo nang isipin 'yong tanong ko, Pfifer. Wala na 'yon. Wala na . . ."

I bit the inner part of my lower lip again. I almost tasted blood but the pain in my chest was way heavier than the cut inside my lips.

"Umuwi ka na sa anak mo, Pfifer. Ingat ka."

I swallowed heartbreak and bitter taste in my mouth.

"Yes . . ."

Reluctantly, I turned my back and walked away from Ivan. My eyes hurt with all the tears flowing non-stop, as if saying goodbye to him for the first time again. My heart ached and broke, as if aching and breaking because of him for the first time again. My world collapsed, as if crumbling because of him for the first time again.

With all the tears in my eyes and my sloppy driving, it was too late to notice a truck coming at me when I turned at a corner.

My car crashed at an electric post. #

TCWDM: Hi. This is one of the what ifs na naisip kong isulat for Ivan and Pfifer. Hindi ko masabing please enjoy kasi hindi yata enjoyable. Hahahuhu. Please use the hashtag #TOTGAWhatIf for your feels at socmed. Thank you!