NOTE: I AM EXCEEDINGLY SORRY FOR THE WAIT ON REVIEWS. IF YOUR BOOK IS ON MY QUEUE, I HAVE NOT FORGOTTEN YOU AND I WILL COMPLETE YOUR REVIEW.

I also want to thank all of you for your wonderful patience. Nobody has pestered me about my failure to update this, although you were perfectly within your right to do so(and maybe you should, lol! It might make me get on the ball.). I have a great deal going on IRL, but my busyness is actually spurring me on to finish these reviews, so that I don't let them fall by the wayside and forget them completely.

On to today's review.

WARNING: This is a completed book. Minor spoilers below.

Becoming Peter
jaymewithers

Teen Fiction/Fanfiction

Before we get into this, I'm going to be up-front honest: I don't like Peter Pan. Now, I've never seen the movies, but I've read the book multiple times, and every time it leaves me with a knotty, ugly, frustrated feeling inside. I just don't like the book, and I don't like Peter one little bit.

That being said, I love backstory. And this story showed me how Peter could end up the way he did, and gave me reason to forgive him, at least a little, for becoming Peter Pan.

I did run into quite a few roadblocks with this story, that kept me from enjoying it at its full potential.

First off: the formatting. On some chapters, the paragraphs were formatted in the ordinary Wattpad way, with a space between each for easier reading and inline commenting. In others, the paragraphs were crammed together the way they are in a regular book, with no sandwich of blank space in-between. The paragraph breaks were still visible, being indented, but editing so that each chapter is the same is the first action I would take.

Also, point-of-view switches were announced in an unnecessarily lengthy manner. Usually, when switching POVs in first person perspective, a divider of some kind (~ or *** or a fleur-de-lis pattern of some sort) plus the name of the character in bold at the beginning of the section will serve. Other times, POV switch was not announced at all, which made for confusion on my end. Again, putting the character's name in bold at the top of the chapter should eliminate that.

I also noted some issues with punctuation. On a consistent basis, you utilized the period to close your dialogue lines, which in some cases is correct, but in most others is not.

"Together we rule Neverland." I smiled and held out my hands in a grand gesture.

This is correct, because the text outside the dialogue is entirely separate from the spoken words.

"Hold on." I murmured to Tink.

This is incorrect. Any variation of "I said" directly following dialogue, in this case, I murmured, means that the dialogue should be closed with a comma, exclamation point, or question mark, but not a period. "Hold on," I murmured to Tink.

Tense slips and commonly confused words cropped up more than once. "Have" instead of "had", "que" instead of "cue", and so forth. For these, I recommend getting a friend who knows the logistics of our crazy language to help you out.

The pacing was one of the main problems that I waded through. The beginning chapters sped through a great deal of material too quickly, which is a problem that you did recognize and mention in an author's note. I'll just give you a few tips here to work on as you edit. While I could appreciate the different traits that identified each orphan, they felt largely one-dimensional and I had difficulty relating to any of them. The departure from the orphanage was also handled with bewildering abruptness and I had to reread Chapter 2 to understand what was happening. In Chapter 7, the escape failure was also confusing and required a re-read. A couple filler sentences with more explanatory material would help immensely.

So yes, your book needs a lot of work.

On the other hand... there were things I genuinely enjoyed. Watching you work in the different elements that all played into the final Peter Pan was fun: the rascally shadow, Tinkerbell, Peter's lack of trust, the Lost Boys -- and of course, Captain Hook. Excellent twist right there, in my opinion. Also, I especially loved the growing fog over his memories and wish you had tapped into that avenue to explore it a little more.

Despite my lack of connection to most of the characters, I was still able to feel emotion on many occasions, if less strongly than I might have. If I wasn't thoroughly involved in the action, I still found myself wanting to know what happened next. Your writing is not bad. Some word choices caught my eye as particularly apt, and you have a good ear for variegated sentence structure.

Sully's death was one thing that surprised me. I hadn't expected it at all, and it made me sad. I appreciated how you tied it in later on in the story as well. Another part I liked was Peter and Tink's growing friendship, and much of their interaction. But perhaps the moment that tugged at my heart the most was when Peter in a moment of remorse hugs Miss Metcalf, and she shows her real affection for him. That was an exquisite moment in my eyes. Overall, this is a light, quick read, better than I expected given the first few chapters. I would love to see it fully revised and shining!

Rating: 6/10

Good premise and story, but needs fleshing out and a lot of editing. I encourage you to look for a beta reader, someone with a good grasp of grammar and punctuation who is willing to go through each chapter systematically and give corrections and suggestions. And keep writing!

Y'all probably noticed that my review style was different from the way I've been doing things. I've decided that because of personal preference, and also time constraint, I'm going to switch my method to a more holistic critique. If I ever reopen, which may or may not happen at this point, I will only accept completed books and will give a thorough but non-segmented review, focusing on any areas of needed improvement as they crop up. I will no longer be doing cover or summary critiques, but will address only the content of the book.