The Great List of Romance 'Do Not Do'

Sensitive souls abstain—from here on out there will be a shocking reveal of what not to do in a Romance, unless for some reason you want to send your readers running to the hills.

If you keep reading, it's at your risk and peril.

You've been warned.

...*hands out sunglasses* Wear these just in case.

So...let's begin, shall we?

Romance as a genre is about feeling, emotion and relationships, whether they are sweet, complicated, sensual or erotic. But with one poorly chosen word or metaphor, an entire scene can bomb. What should be romantic can get weird and unattractive faster than two Ronald McDonald clowns mud wrestling. Sometimes, writers get it wrong. Horribly wrong. Just like adding mentos to a bottle of coke during afternoon coffee with your mother-in-law.

Don't be one of those writers.

I won't be using examples from real books that I name, because bashing is bad karma, nor will anything be explicit (except in your imaginations, so leave now while you still can if necessary). Still here? First up: settings.

Wesley might have tried to convince Buttercup that the Fire Swamp would make a nice place for a summer home, but neither she nor the reader were convinced.

Settings are all about mood and ambiance. So if you are going for a cozy, tender moment, don't put your characters in a sewer filled with rats. I think we need a handy dandy starter list of what doesn't work, depending on what you want your setting to be:

1. Cozy: Spanish Inquisition dungeon, the lair of the Chainsaw Massacre guy, hanging off a glacier cliff

2. Sweet: WWI trench (especially when filled with 2 feet of mud and rain water, and probably a whole lot of rats), any place in the book 1984 (if you haven't read it, you should), or a train carrying highly toxic waste

3. Exotic: the Mars potato fields in the future, Kansas (I'm from Missouri, I'm allowed to say this), or an accountant's office

4. Meet-cute*: back of a butcher's shop, stool/urine sample lab, or in a pest control truck

5. Erotic: behind a dumpster (just don't), gas-station store or bathroom, or a scum covered and alligator infested swamp where the air hums with ten million mosquitos

*The meet-cute is a typical devise used in romance to make get the two main love interests together for the first time in a funny, surprising or socially awkward way, leading them to get close and personal.

Admitteldy, some of the above settings could be used for lending ambiance to different kinds of romances. The Spanish Inquisition dungeon would be a dramatic backdrop in a historical novel, as would the trenches in WWI. The planet Mars works for sci-fi and adventure, and the accountant's office could be great if it came with nerdy hero in glasses who needed to learn how to break the rules. Remember, the right setting for the mood is vital!

Your Heros and Heroines—choose them and their professions or hobbies wisely. The following characters types will be hard sells—not impossible, but difficult to make lovable.

1. Neanderthals

2. Certain careers, such as trash collectors and monster trucker drivers (I actually have a balding truck driver hero, and many readers adore him, but I'm not sure it has wide mainstream appeal), cosmetic surgeons, morticians, taxidermists and clowns

3. Shifters of unusual or surprising nature, i.e. a hedgehog, octopus, penguin, or sloth

4. In general, any terrorists, war criminals, dictators or serial killers. Steer clear of these unless you are extremely motivated at giving them a 180° character arcs and a lot of guilt to deal with.

5. Evil parents

Otherwise, characters such as zombies or cave-men who have reached modern homosapien sapien status, or criminals such as mob members, will set hearts aflame if done carefully. When in doubt, save these characters for when you have some solid writing experience.

For prose, writers should avoid being overly flowery, known as purple prose, but tastes vary on how much is too much. In general, try not to go overboard with imagery that is not bouncy, appetizing or beautiful. When describing a character or scene, avoid the following:

1. Vegetable euphemisms (replacing explicit words with less shocking words, in this case for body parts).

Saying things like 'his aubergine (eggplant)' or 'her broccoli' will not improve your text. Trust me. An exception can be made for descriptions using fruit, but use sparingly. And maybe no melons.

1. Other metaphors and euphemisms for actions, bodies or body parts not suited for an intimate setting. For example, hypodermic needles, swelling road-kill, traffic signs, fast food chains, cockroaches (or other insect besides butterflies or bees, etc.), or cutting devices (these are real examples, I kid you not.)

2. Overly purple prose that gets too syrupy sweet or weird: She was the trapped and weakly fluttering fly in the cobweb of his indomitable affection. He sighed the sigh of a Greek god chained to her rock while the torments of doubt pecked at his liver each day but each night he was reborn anew, full of the hope of a sparkling, dew bestrewn grass lawn.

3. Clichés that have been done to death: swords, flowers, spears and secret centers (Seriously? This place is a secret?)

4. Dark fetishes (unless you have a specific audience and you know what you are talking about...) cannibalism, adultery, and I won't enumerate the rest in case there are young readers still reading....except for nose play. If things are going in and out of your character's nose in an 'erotic' way, you need to rethink your scene. Please.

Now, in general, there are lots of do's and don't's you should know before you tackle romantic writing, or any writing. But, if you give new twists or surprising turns of phrases that breathe life into your text, then you shouldn't worry too much about the rules.

Rules are made to be broken.

Except the nose play and erotic moment behind a dumpster rules!

Good luck to you and feel free to tell me everything I've missed in my lists. I would like to thank two wonderful writers and friends of mine for helping me on this journey— @krazydiamond and @DebbieGoelz ! Love you!!!

I would also like to thank @KellyAnneBlount for her work and energy she puts in the Wattpad Block Party! Wattpad would not be the same without you.

Please stop by and check out my story Two Tickets to Paradise, where hopefully the gentle trade winds and sandy beaches will seduce the most jaded reader. Say hi when you come by, I love to chat! Also, be sure to follow me here or on my website for a chance to win a bar of Swiss chocolate or a signed paperback of The 12 Dares of Christmas!!!

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