“You have a satellite phone?! And you didn't tell me?! I can't believe you! You know how worried I've been about my family and you didn't even have the decency to let me make a phone call! Even after I said I'd stay with you!” 

I screamed at him until my throat was raw. I stopped to catch my breath and I finally growled at you through gritted teeth, “Give. Me. The. Phone!”

“What are you going to do with it?”

“What the hell do you think I'm going to do? Call to have someone come and get me!”

“You said you'd stay.”

“And you lied to me!” I cried. "At least let me call and tell them I'm okay."

“Then what do you think is going to happen, River? They will send someone to rescue you whether you say you want it or not.”

“I can't just let them think I'm dead,” I sobbed. “Can't you understand that?”

You sighed and walked toward the loft. I followed on your heels. When we got upstairs, you opened the locked wardrobe. You dug into a small drawer at the bottom and pulled out the phone. And then, before I could even get my hands on it, you tossed another phone onto the bed.

I stared at it in disbelief for just a moment. But then I found my voice. “H...how did you get my phone?” And before you could even answer, I remembered. “The convenience store. You were the one who knocked my purse off my shoulder? And you stole my phone?!”

Your nod was almost imperceptible.

“I can't believe you, Zayn! And to think I was starting to trust you.”

When I said that, I saw a flicker of light in your eyes, but I quickly squelched it. “I don't trust you anymore. Now, show me how to use the phone!”

You picked it up from the bed, and I picked up my phone and turned it on, even though I already knew it wouldn't have any reception this far out of civilization. Sure enough, there were no bars and the low battery light was flashing. Figures, my charger was in my luggage somewhere in my long-lost Subaru.

“Is it ready yet?” I asked as you fiddled with the sat phone. You didn't answer and you kept monkeying with it until I huffed with impatience.

“River.”

“What?!”

“The sat phone is dead.”

“Stop lying to me, Zayn! Now just turn the damn phone on so I can call home!”

“I'm serious, River.”

“Well, then charge the battery!”

“I can't.”

“Why can't you???”

“The charger is in Grand Forks.”

“You liar!” I seethed, hopping off the bed and dropping to my knees in front of the wardrobe. I started yanking out everything in the drawer, looking for a charger or a spare battery, but there was nothing.

“I'm sorry, River.”

“NO! You're lying, Zayn! I know you are!”

“I'm not, River.”

I screamed in frustration and raced down the stairs. I tugged on my boots and grabbed a flashlight, running outside. I walked along the outside of the cabin, looking for the door to the outer closet that you had just told me about. I finally found it and yanked open the door. I scanned the contents with the flashlight – it was actually quite a large room. I stepped inside and waved the flashlight until I found what I wanted. The gun rack on the wall held three different guns. I just stood there and stared at them in frustration.

I finally realized that I didn't have the first clue how to use any kind of gun. And I didn't have the courage to even hold one in my hand, let alone threaten you with it. I dropped onto the cold cement floor and just sat there in defeat. I felt like a coward.

I heard your feet crunching through the snow. You stopped outside the door of the small room and you didn't say anything, but I knew you were there.

“What do you want?” I muttered.

“Are you looking for something?” You asked.

“Yes,” I sneered. “I wanted to get one of the guns, so I could force you...threaten you...I don't know.” I felt so pathetic.

“River, I'm really sorry, but I am telling you the truth. I don't have any way to charge the phone.”

I got up, stomped back into the cabin and up the stairs. I hastily put on my pajamas – which were your pajamas because I'd been wearing your clothes most of the time – and went back downstairs.

I looked at your journal, which I'd been reading all day, and thought about how your story had been softening my heart. But now, it was hard as stone. I was furious with you for your deception, and furious with myself for starting to trust you.

I went to bed without saying a word to you.

When I woke up in the morning, you were gone, as usual. I remembered the outer closet and I realized that I had only been looking for the guns when I had gone out there the night before. I wanted to go back out and investigate to see what else was out there. Maybe – and I knew I was probably hoping against hope – just maybe the sat phone charger was out there.

I slipped on my boots and coat and hat and mittens. It wasn't far to the other side of the cabin, but it was awfully cold outside, and the closet wasn't heated. I opened the door and stepped inside, wanting to keep the wind out while I searched. There were garden tools, vegetable and fruit seeds, a wide assortment of power tools and a chainsaw, which explained the humongous pile of wood that was keeping the cabin warm. There were only two of the three guns on the wall. I wondered why you had taken the other one with you, because you usually went fishing in the morning. It didn't even occur to me to be afraid of you.

There was a small box with several maps of Canada, brochures for different adventure outfitters, and the user's manual for the generator. It seemed strangely comical to find a user's manual for anything out here in the wilderness. There were also two kerosene lamps and a jug of kerosene. I guess those would be for use in case of the generator failing.

I looked around for quite a while, forgetting that I was still furious with you, and I was actually impressed by your preparedness. Under different circumstances, I might have actually found this fun.

I decided to head back into the cabin when my fingers started feeling numb. I left the closet and closed the door. When I rounded the corner of the cabin, I was met with a terrifying sight. An extremely large, golden brown animal was hunched about ten feet away from the front door – a cougar! I sucked in a very loud gasp and froze in my tracks.

Shit, shit, shit! I had no idea what to do. The cougar regarded me, but it didn't exactly look like it was ready to attack. I wondered if it would be wise to proceed slowly and cautiously, or if I should sprint the few yards to the door. I was closer to the door than the cat was, but I knew cats were very fast, especially one that large.

I stood with my heart racing in panic, frozen by fear, not making a single move when I heard a low, rumbling sound coming from the cat's throat. And then it let out the most god-awful scream I've ever heard. That horrible noise jolted me into action – I took my chance and made a front-door sprint, but the cat jumped into action at the same time. I was fast and athletic, but I felt like I was running through molasses, my feet barely moving and the cat gaining on me. I let out a loud screech as I dove for the handle of the cabin door and the moment I twisted it, I heard a gunshot. The door flew open and I fell inside of the cabin, sobbing. Seconds later, I felt something around my waist, and I screamed in terror, scrambling to get away.

But you tightened your grip on me – it was only you, and not the cat, ready to devour me. “River, it's me! It's okay. It's okay, love,” you soothed. I continued squirming and whimpering until your words sunk in, but I looked around in panic to find out where the cougar was.

“It's dead,” you said. You let go of me, stood up and closed the cabin door. I stood up, too, but my legs were so shaky, I could barely support my own weight.

You turned back toward me and I crumpled against you, still sobbing and whimpering. You held me while I cried, cooing, “shhh” into my ear and stroking my hair. You led me over to the loveseat and pulled me down on your lap. I shrugged out of my jacket and curled up on your lap like a little girl. You rubbed your hand up and down my back and through my hair. “It's okay, love. You're safe. You're okay.”

After a long time, my heart rate was back to normal and my sobs had subsided. I looked up at you and found my face only inches from yours. “Thank you,” I whispered. And then I did something that neither one of us expected.

I kissed you.

Your lips were soft and warm and sweet and I didn't linger very long. I pulled away and I could see the shock in your eyes. My cheeks began to burn and I said, “I..I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that.”

You laughed a little and said, “It's all right, I don't mind.”

I was mildly embarrassed, but not enough to move away from you or to get off of your lap. I just leaned my head into your neck and listened to your breathing.

“River?”

“Yes,” I replied.

“I'm sorry.”

“For what?”

“Everything. I'm so sorry, love. I never meant to put your life in danger, and now I fear that I've made some really foolish mistakes.”

“Yes, you have.”

“Can you ever forgive me?”

I didn't answer you right away because I wasn't sure how to forgive someone for stalking me and kidnapping me and lying to me.

Finally I said, “I can choose to forgive you. But I don't know how I can trust you. You've lied to me...a lot. You deceived me.”

“I know.”

“Will you please tell me one thing?”

“Of course, love.”

“Are you telling me the truth about the satellite phone?”

“Yes. And I'm so sorry. I can't believe I did something so stupid.”

“What's done is done,” I sighed. I finally sat up and slid off your lap.

“Thank you saving my life,” I said quietly. “Have you seen a lot of wild animals out here?”

“I've never seen a cougar before, but I've heard them.”

“Why did you have a gun with you?”

“I always take one when I go out,” you said. That made sense.

“I...I don't want you to think I meant anything by the kiss. I was just saying thank you,” I told you.

“I know,” you said, and then you pet my nose with your finger and smirked at me.

That wasn't the complete truth – my mind was still reeling from the feeling of my lips on yours. But as always, I didn't want you to know that.

We had a quiet lunch and then I resumed my reading.

December 30, 2011

Merry Christmas, River, and Happy New Year. My holidays were dreary. I didn't buy a tree or put up any lights. I sold most of our decorations with our family home anyway. My flat is small and simple and there isn't much room for a tree.

I am trying to finish up my work here so that I can come to the US and be with you. I have no idea what North Dakota is like. England is dark and rainy for most of the winter. We get some snow, but it never stays long on the ground. From my research on North Dakota, you have a lot of snow there. It will be an adventure to discover what real snow is like.

January 3, 2012

Happy New Year, love. I'm looking at the employment advertisements for North Dakota. I haven't seen anything yet that I am qualified to do but I will continue to search. My first love is art. Painting, drawing, sketching, acrylics, watercolor, spray paint – I love it all. But it's not easy to make a living with paint. I'm good with my hands and I've learned to build and fix a lot of things from working at the hotel for several summers.

January 11, 2012

I've decided that I will leave England in February. I would like to travel. I have enough money from the sale of my family home that I can explore the United States a bit before settling into a home with you.

January 12, 2012

Today is my birthday. I'm 19. I never thought I'd be a vagabond at such a young age. I will be leaving soon for America and hopefully starting my new life with you. I think that the thing I will miss the most is the sea.

I was surprised to find out you were only three years older than me. I hadn't thought about it much, but you seemed much older than that. You were such a young age to have lost everyone. I was beginning to understand why you attached yourself to me – I represented a dream of love, security, stability. I still couldn't figure out why it was me to whom you gave all of your devotion. I'm sure there were plenty of girls around Leigh-on-Sea and probably many who lived in England.

What was it about me that had you so obsessed?

February 4, 2012

Take my hand
We'll walk for miles
Telling Secrets
Sharing smiles

With you at my side
I will not fall
I will be strong
'Cause love conquers all

Take my hand and
My fears will die
My worries will cease
My tears will dry

When I'm with you
I feel secure
You're what I need
Of that, I'm sure

Don't be afraid
I understand
Reach out to me
And take my hand

I love poetry as well as art, but I'm shit at writing my own poetry. I guess I won't quit my day job. Oh, wait, I already did.

I laughed out loud when I read that last entry. I hadn't really witnessed much of a sense of humor from you yet, but it showed through in this journal entry.

February 14, 2012

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height My soul can reach
When feeling out of sight
For the ends of being and ideal grace.
I love thee to the level of every day’s Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.
I love thee freely, as men strive for right.
I love thee purely, as they turn from praise.
I love thee with the passion put to use In my old griefs, and with my childhood’s faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose With my lost saints.
I love thee with the breath, Smiles, tears, of all my life;
and, if God choose, I shall but love thee better after death.

February 18, 2012

I'm on a plane bound for New York City as I write this. For the first time in a long, long time, I'm looking forward to something other than going home to a cold and empty house.

I read for a long time about your first adventures in the US – getting lost in New York City, hitch-hiking to DC, going to Disney World all by yourself. (I was jealous – I'd never been there) I thought it was impressive that you had the confidence to travel around the country by yourself.

I read until I reached June 2012 and this entry which gave me a chill.

June 2, 2012

I drove into Grand Forks for the first time today. Your home, love. I can't wait to find you, to see you again, to meet you and to know you.

I wonder, love, will you love me as much as I love you?

Will you find me interesting?

Will you trust me with your life?

Will you trust me with your heart?

I hope you will trust me with your heart and your life, but I can't imagine you will ever love me as much as I love you, and that's okay. You deserve to be loved lavishly and without limits. You deserve someone who can give you everything and not demand anything in return.

I love you, River. I'll see you soon.

You were the sappiest, most hopeless romantic I'd ever met! And I hardly knew you. I didn't even know that men like you existed. I closed the book and my eyes at the same time. Something about your absolute devotion to me made me feel safe.

In spite of myself, I imagined myself kissing your lips again. I imagined the bare skin of your torso pressed against me, my hands running over your muscles as you kissed me passionately.

I only let those thoughts linger for a while and then I pushed them away and got up to help you with dinner.