Liam 

"And if he feels my traces in your hair, I'm sorry love but I don't really ca..." 

"Lou?" I murmur rolling over. 

"mmmm good morning boo, why are you calling so early?" 

"ugghhh!" 

"Yeah yeah, alright. Ummm... give me an hour..." 

"Traffic. And I'm still in bed. You'll be home by 5, right?" 

"Kay kay, love you too." 

I am staring in shock at the woman next to me as she hangs up her phone. 

"Umm, good morning." I say, emphasizing my confusion with my voice.  

"Hey! Good morning to you too sexy man." 

Those words cause my chest to fill with pride and I pull her closer to me. She doesn't budge though.  

"Sorry babe, that was my husband. Our sitter called in sick and he has work today so I've gotta go home and take care of my son."

Home? She's leaving. She's leaving to be with her kid. Because her husband.... her fucking husband.

What the hell!

Everything in my mind is spinning.

Circles, we're going in circles.

I'm going...

The room is going in circles.  

"Bye babe. I'll look for you again tonight. Same place." 

I lay there pressed to the mattress. My mind spins so fast that it forces me still. I couldn't move if I tried. 

Could I be responsible for ending a marriage? Causing a woman to have an affair. Have their been others? No, I'm sure she's the only one.

How can I be sure, I don't even know how many women I've been with over the past few months. It's funny, cause, for the longest time, I was the one who had been with the fewest girls. 

There was Emmalynn, she was my first. It was my 16th birthday party and only my sisters and grandmother had came. I was crushed, not because no one had come, but that the one girl I had wanted to come most, didn't make it. The disappointment and humiliation of that night should have served as a warning to her selfish ways. I should have given up on her then. 

But Emmalynn, Emmalynn was my sisters friend who came by later that night and taught me the ways of being a man. I was awkward, but not her. She was experianced and full of confidence. She taught me what woman like: what to touch, where to kiss, what to say. I was young, but, I was proud of what I carried, and she came back again. 

By the time I met Danielle, I had hooked up with Emma a couple of time, but, being with a woman I loved made the experiance for greater than what Emma could ever have shown me. She too had only ever been with one other person. I remember how nervous, how self-concious I was, wondering how I would compare. When it came to showing my love for her though, it was so beautiful that the heavens themselves dimmed in comparison. 

After Danielle...

Fuck her.

Wrong choice of words. I need to get up though - take a shower. 

I crawl out of bed and look around the room. It looks so, normal. So put together and classy. No sign of the defilement that took place in this bed last night. I feel so, dirty. Not just the affair, but the sex. What made me feel wild, and powerful and animalistic last night, makes me feel perverse and corrupt this morning. Shower. I need a shower. 

Sydney

 #BetterThanWords Best night of my life! Met 2/5 and got a selfie with @NiallOfficial 

That's all I can post for now. At least until I am able to wrap my mind around everything that happened last night. You dream something for years. Imagine ten thousand possible scenarios of how it may play out, and when it finally happens, well, let's just say my false hopes took a cliff dive and are dangling by a cord over a deadly cavern.  

You know the feeling you get when you're waiting for hours for your boyfriend to respond to a text, only to remember he broke up with you last week. The bottomless pit in your stomach the first time you see your ex with a new girl. The loneliness that comes when you realize you've lost everyone in your life who was important to you. Everything has changed, your life is a foreign land and you've been dropped off with no place to live.  

I don't know why people say they feel empty. Empty is not right, I'm full. Full of memories, full of regrets and confusion. I'm full of pain and questions and anger.  

Why couldn't I stay a Harry girl? I realize how pathetic that sounds right now. How ridiculous it sounds to have these feelings over a group of boys, younger boys, that I, until last night, had never met. I remember the first time I saw a music video though, I fell for Harry. His baby face and deep voice made a contrast that got me excited in all the wrong places. I was in love with Harry Styles. 

And then, Liam got hot. Really hot, and I started to pay more attention. I read his story, his sad childhood filled with health issues, bullies, and stuck up girls. His determination and hope. He never gave up and always worked his hardest to achieve his dreams, all the while remaining humble and appreciative. He went from the hot boybander with the washboard abs to this sweet boy that my heart ached for. So many times I've wanted to reach out and hug him. His resolved health problems, his break up with Danielle, his tweets. The media attacking him, his outpouring of love for Sophia. He became a daily part of my life and although logic stated that I was nothing to him, he became the most important person to me.  

And then he became a drunk who fucked my best friend.  

 I know I don't know that, but, I do. She's a whore, she always has been and if given the chance, who wouldn't sleep with Liam Payne? Well, I wouldn't. I love him too much to be just another random hookup, I would be shattered. Kind of like I am now. 

 I've wandered my way down to the breakfast buffet, complimentary with the overly priced suite I purchased to make sure I was on the same floor as my boys. They're still my boys, I'm just so confused right now. Liam is the one I turn to to hold everything together when I worry, he is the one that makes me feel better, and right now, he's the reason (the only reason) I'm lost right now.  

And yet, there he is, again, right in front of me. I laugh at the complete improbability of this situation. What fan wouldn't literally, actually commit murder, for the chance to see him THREE times in less than 24 hours, and yet here I am, disgusted with him. What better time to talk to him though? At least I'm not too nervous to speak.  

"You know you're a good girl..." I hit ignore. I have nothing to say to her right now. Maybe ever.  

My feet lead me forward towards the man my heart beats for, while my mind curses his existence. 

"Good Morning love, what can I do for ya?" He says, his beautiful smile cracking through the layer of stone I've built against him. I'm frozen. 

"Yeah, I'd like to know where my friend is?" I say with confidence. I can tell my question through him off guard and he has recognized who I am.  

"Oh uh... well she said she had to leave. Something about a babysitter calling in sick?" He stumbles out, looking uncomfortable.  

"Well hello there beautiful." I hear just moments before two arms slip over my shoulders and squeeze me in the most uncomfortable way.  

Niall. Oh how could I forget Niall? The bright star throughout my black hole of a night. Guilt eats at my stone wall like acid as I recall the disappointed look on his face. And yet here he is, cheerful as ever. 

"How did you sleep?" He asks me as I wiggle out of his arms. 

"Not the greatest to be honest, but, it's alright, I'm preferring my waking hours lately anyway." I say with a flirty smile. It's so easy to have fun with him. 

"Really now? I wasn't so sure towards the end of last night." He says, lowering his voice at the end. 

Again I find myself speechless, I don't know what to say to that.  

"I... well..." 

"Well your happy to see me now and that makes me happy!" He says cheerfully. I silently thank him for not making me answer.  

"You know you're a good girl, but I know you..." 

I grab my phone and this time shut it off. I really don't want to deal with her right now.  

"Did you need to take that?" He asks politely. 

"No, no it's just Brittney." 

"Your friend from last night?" 

"Yeah, but, I really don't want to talk to her." I admit. 

"Oh..." he says, catching on. And there's that disappointed look again. 

"DAMN IT!!" I'm really, really sorry Syd," I look up to see him patting his pockets, "I've just remembered I've left my phone in the bar last night and... and..." He's looking panicked but I can tell he's not wanting to be rude.  

"It's fine, really, go look for it." I assure him, although, feeling a bit disheartened that he's leaving already.  

"I really am sorry! If I don't see you again, I'll stop by your room later, okay!" He shouts before rushing off to the bar with his security trailing behind.  

Why is he so sweet? I literally cannot stop smiling whenever I think about him. I truly don't deserve his kindness. I turn to leave and see Liam getting up with his tray in his hand.  

"Umm, well, goodbye to you too." I say, exaggerating my awkwardness in the hopes that he might take pity and decide to comfort me. 

"Bye!" He says with his sweet smile.  

Why does his one word melt me from within and Niall's consistent flattery just... doesn't compare. Liam is walking away from me now and although I realize this may be my last chance to ever speak with him, I just let him leave.  

I give up with the idea of breakfast and decide to head back to my room as well. Once in the elevator I withdraw my phone and check my messages. There are 11 missed calls from Britt, but, just one text. 

"Hey I know you're pissed at me, I would be too, but let me make it up to you. I told Liam to meet me at the same bar tonight. You go instead, I'll stay away this time! <3"