"even if i apologise
i know,
there's still a hill to climb
and i know,
that i'll never quite convince you

even if i apologise
i know,
that's not enough sometimes
although
it's all I have to give you"

[even if - lewis watson]

~널 기다리는 게 지쳤어, 정국.

"I just.. think I need to talk to her." 

   Finally, Taehyung was beginning to put two and two together.

   Quite quickly, it had become Tuesday, and Taehyung was back at school, mulling over Sorah's sudden sourness toward him again. He was starting to understand some things, but he was still desperate for answers about what he hadn't figured out. The situation had taken over his mind and it was extremely difficult to focus on his classes, especially during Algebra 2, when he watched Jeongguk cast a myriad nervous glances toward the girl.

   The poor boy looked so anxious, his foot tapping the floor, his fingers scratching at his neck, his posture rigid and tense. What exactly was on his mind?

JEONGGUK FOCUS

I did this.

     Algebra 2 is dragging on, and today my head is throbbing. It hurts so much. I've tried focusing on the lesson and taking notes, I've tried drawing silly doodles of Koda, and I've tried clearing my mind completely, but so far, nothing's helping.

   It keeps playing in my head: the same three words: It's your fault.

   And that's right. It's my own, selfish, stupid fault. All I could think of was protecting my miserable little pride, and it only made it worse.

   I glance across the room, and there she is, wearing that icy glower she built, artificially. It's not real. I know.

   I'm sorry. But I'm ready to quit being a self-pitying coward and say it, finally, even if you won't forgive me.

xxx

   "Why does he want to talk to Sorah?" Jimin slung his backpack over his shoulders as they walked down the hallway.

    "Not sure. All I know is I'm supposed to get her to come to the library. Jeongguk's waiting there right now."

   "Weird. Well, I saw her by her locker a second ago. Should I come with you?"

   "Yes please. Who knows how difficult it'll be to convince her to come." The two turned around and pushed through the crowd to find Sorah at her locker, sullen as she slid textbooks into her backpack.

    "Sorah?" Taehyung began, timidly. She sighed angrily and refused to look at him, zipping her backpack and turning to leave. "Sorah, wait! Can we just talk?"

    "Just five minutes?" Jimin requested. The gloomy sound of his normally cheery voice stopped the girl in her tracks, and she faced the two, finally.

    "Fine," she said bitterly. "Five minutes." Taehyung nodded and led them to the library, muttering a 'she totally has a soft spot for you' under his breath to Jimin as they stiffly made their way to the room.

    She followed them with her arms crossed, up until they entered the room. The librarian had stepped out for a few minutes, leaving the musty, strange-smelling room vacant, and an optimal place for a private conversation.

Jeongguk sat by a table quietly, looking down at his hands, which he kept neatly folded in his lap. The very moment Sorah spotted him, she gritted her teeth and her face was taken over with unrefined anger. The ice in her eyes melted, and had turned straight into blazing wildfire.

   "No," she growled. "I'm not talking to you." Aggressively, she shoved her hands into her pockets and prepared to make a hasty exit, turning her head toward Taehyung just before she left. "I'm so glad I wasted my time helping you, just so you could get him to be your damn boyfriend," she remarked, snarkily. "You can have the penny board back." Sorah began her escape, with quick steps toward the door.

    "Wait! Sorah!" Jeongguk pleaded, standing from his seat at the table.

    "Why should I wait? I'm done with waiting for you, Jeongguk! I've been done for a long time." 

    "I just want to tell you, I'm sorry." Finally, she turned around again, and stared him dead in the eyes.

   "Really?" she scoffed. "You're sorry now? You're finally sorry. How nice."

    "No- I-"

    "Whatever. You're sorry. Fine. Now leave me alone again."

    "Sorah, come on, hear me out! Please." Jeongguk was begging, now, his soft eyes desperate and shiny.

    "Go ahead. Give me your best excuse for why you left me all alone, without another word." She curled her hands into tight fists and raised her voice. "How could you, Jeongguk? I was so miserable! Didn't you know what happened?"

    "Yes..."

    "Then why? Why would you abandon me the day he died? I needed you, and you abandoned me." Her voice was quivering, quieting. She angrily swiped at her right eye with her fingertips. At that moment, a very uncomfortable Jimin slipped out of the room, but Taehyung stayed, tucking himself away against a bookshelf, as if he was trying to keep himself out of the way.

     Jeongguk seemed to let go of some amount of composure, letting his emotions take over his face. Taehyung wondered if it was because Jeongguk thought both of them had left, and he was now alone with Sorah. "I was selfish, okay?! That's why." His voice grew strained and shaky as well. "I was a selfish, pathetic coward. You know how my brother was! It's not a real excuse but.. Couldn't you see I was hurting, too? I know, it's my fault... but I was upset. I know, I expected too much of you when I didn't say a word to ask for help. That's why I'm sorry."

    Sorah said nothing.

    "So now that you know: again, I'm so, so sorry. I should've told you so much sooner- no, I shouldn't have done any of this at all. I should've just ignored my brother but it was constant teasing and bullying and it was getting worse... I didn't know what else to do. But I would take it all back if I could. I'm sorry." He took in a shaky breath, and repeated, for the umpteenth time, "I'm sorry."

    She didn't react.

    "Can you please say something? Anything? Tell me you hate me and hope to never see me again? I just want to know I'm not running away from this any more. I've been avoiding this apology for more than two years, and all I want to know is if I should never speak to you again, or if there's anything I can do to make it up to you."

   "...Okay." That was all she said. It wasn't overly emotional, but it held a twinge of sadness.

    "Okay?"

     "I'm gonna need some time to think."

     "Okay," Jeongguk sighed. With that, the girl finally left the room, her face turned down, which Taehyung assumed meant she was hiding eyes brimmed with tears. Once she was gone, it was just the two of them in the empty library. Taehyung had tucked himself away against the nearest bookshelf, but now he came close and sat beside Jeongguk, who was looking absolutely despondent and in despair as he sat back down in that hard, library chair.

    That little explosion from Sorah had cleared up quite some of his questions, but he still had more to ask. "Jeonggukie?" Had the circumstances been different, the boy probably would've paid a lot more attention to the nickname, but still, he seemed to be in a bit of a painful daze. To bring him back down to his world, with a deep breath, reached for his hand and held it tightly (had it been so hard for Jeongguk to take his hand those two times before?), soothingly rubbing the back with his thumb. It worked. Jeongguk looked at him, almost surprised, as if he hadn't expected Taehyung to be there.

He really did think I was gone, didn't he? Does that mean he didn't want me to see that?

    "Do you think you could tell me what that was about?"

    This time, it was Jeongguk's turn to take a deep breath. "Um... I-I don't know.."

.｡*ﾟ+*.+.｡*ﾟ+.｡*ﾟ+*.+

decided i was being stupid and some of jeongguk's actions really didn't fit his character so i rewrote a bunch of the chapter

man i just,, idk if i did good on this :') im not a great author but im just tryna share this stupid story that's been living rent free in my brain for a long time