JEONGGUK FOCUS

   The only remarkable things about today: He's here, again, and the weight of sorrow is just slightly lighter on my shoulders.

    Guilt dug its fangs into my neck, which is perpetually bared to it, and had been as far back as I remember. Enough about me and my feelings- all that mattered was that, like a ray of clear starlight, Taehyung was here.

   I woke up this morning to his texts lighting up my phone screen, reaching through the dark room and past my eyelids to shock my pupils into focus. Though it was blurry, I read the words, "is it okay if I come over?"

   "if you wanna," I replied, but I'm sure I'd made a typo somewhere.

   The blue light burned my eyes; I could hardly see anything but darkness and blinding light erupting from the phone screen. It was pitch black, silent midnight- but then again, I saw a sliver of light reach a tiny gap between the blinds and the window, and it was as if it was whispering, "Wake up, silly. It's morning already."

   That was true. It was not midnight; it was almost noon. Again, bright light assaulted my eyes as I stupidly lifted the blinds. Throwing my head back in pain while squeezing my eyes shut, I grimaced, and let go of the cord for the blinds.

   My chest had been bare when I fell asleep last night and still was, and I thought it might be best to cover it before Taehyung came. But, shying away from the thought of getting up and getting cold, I stayed, laying on my bed, up until the moment when the three soft knocks came on my door, and I couldn't stall any more.

   "One sec-" I dove over the side of my bed to scoop a shirt off the carpet, messily pulling it over my head, filling my hair with static. I tried to smooth it out a little as I laid back against the wall and called out that it was okay to come in.

   There he was, staring at me. The way he stared at me had changed since that day in the library. I didn't like it, and yet, I did, more than anything else in the world, I think.

   I'm not exactly sure how he looked at me before it changed. It's all a little vague, but his eyes always felt warm when they were on me, and I got the sense that he was looking on happily, though I wasn't sure why.

   Now, their warmth was coated in concern. Like I said, I didn't like this change. Guilt, the one who binds my hands behind my back and seals my lips together with a devilish snicker, poisoned my heart once again, when it had, just for a moment, considered being incredibly grateful and touched. Also like I said, I liked this change very, very much. You know how people say they feel all warm and fuzzy when someone else says something nice? It was like that. But the warm, fuzzy feeling was swallowed by guilt before I had the chance to realize it was there.

    I suppose I should be used to guilt by now. But, I'm not. It's heavy. I can never shake it. It turns my head down and dries up my voice until only my lips say, "I'm sorry." And no one ever hears it.

    This time was weird, though, because Taehyung heard it.

    It almost made me feel as if these things that I mulled over constantly were not truly my fault.

   Almost as if it was okay to be weak, in need of help, and vulnerable.

   Almost as if it was okay to be a burden. Because, maybe, he didn't think of it as a burden. Wishful thinking.

---

   "You feel better today?" Taehyung asked a messy-haired Jeongguk, who was propped up against the wall on his bed.

    "I guess... Yeah... You and Sorah being here really helped." Regardless, he'd still woken up with red, puffy eyes.

    Taehyung flashed a tiny smile of relief.

    "I really appreciated you coming... if you didn't, I probably would've stayed in bed all weekend. Thank you, again."

    Taehyung nodded sadly.

    "....Taehyung?"

    "Mhm?"

    "I've been thinking a lot about what you said- a couple days ago and yesterday... You're right; I shouldn't have asked you to be my boyfriend when I wasn't ready to trust you."

    Taehyung nodded slowly, instantly feeling relieved that Jeongguk didn't think he was making a big deal out of nothing.

    "I wanna try. For you. 'Cause... It.. means a lot to me that you're here, even if I puke and stuff."

   Still more relief washed over Taehyung; a weight lifted off his shoulders while warmth spread around his insides at the words, "for you". The solemn tenderness embedded in his voice while he uttered those words was nearly as good the feeling of his hand holding Taehyung's. But, he hoped it would be for Jeongguk, too, because he knew it had to be hard to carry this, and whatever else was on his mind, alone. He was determined to be there to listen, if Jeongguk ever wanted to pour out his heart, or just to talk about his day.

    "You don't have to rush, okay? Take your time."

    Jeongguk nodded. "I guess.. the first thing I should explain is.. me and Sorah."

   He sighed, craning his neck as he wondered where to begin. "From second grade to freshman year, we were best friends. We hung out all the time, almost every day." He breathed in carefully, and on his breath was the scent of precious childhood. "Slept over at each other's houses, caught slugs together, flunked math tests together 'cause we stayed up late playing hide-and-seek instead of studying, and.. learned to skate together..." he chuckled.

    Those last words struck Taehyung in particular. Sorah's favorite thing, it seemed, was something that started with Jeongguk. He wondered, as he thought back through the past few weeks, while he was with Sorah, what did she feel when she put her feet on the deck? At first glance, you wouldn't think of that girl as a sentimental person, but he wondered if Sorah secretly thought of Jeongguk whenever she skated. While her foot hit the ground to push off and she wore that content smile, was there longing for a lost friend hidden beneath? Did she only miss him, or did she feel closer to him again?

    The thought of losing a best friend made him shudder. He wasn't sure he could've made it without Jimin by his side for the hard times. What did Sorah and Jeongguk go through? And then, he thought back to the skateboard shoved to the side in Jeongguk's closet. At the time he'd seen it, Taehyung hadn't known, but now it was an obvious sign that the two had been close. Jeongguk seemed to be trying to get away from his memories, but evidently, couldn't bear to really throw them away. So he'd discarded them in the form of a skateboard and shoved them inside his closet.

    "But at the same time... while we were having so much fun together..." He squeezed his eyes shut and took a deep breath. He didn't want to say was he was preparing to. Taehyung wondered, was this just a painful memory that was difficult to talk about, or was this truly how difficult it was for him to talk about his feelings in general?

   "Every chance my brother got he would tease about me having a girl for a best friend. When we were younger, it wasn't so bad. He'd poke fun at me all the time, and that was just one of his ways of trying to annoy me, but as we grew up, it only got more hurtful. By freshman year, he and his friends would push me around and... say some things that..." He hesitated, fidgeting as he opened his eyes and glanced around. "Anyway, they were bullies. I tried my best to not let it bother me too much, but... it did."

   Mewling in pain, fifteen-year-old Jeongguk cupped his nose, only hoping and praying it wasn't broken. He wouldn't dare let a tear leak from his eye. But stubbornly, a tear formed anyway, and trickled, wobbling, down his cheek while an older boy chuckled.

   "You even cry like a girl."

    Taehyung understood, very well, that not every parent could be their own child's confidant. That it takes a good, loving parent to reach a child's feelings and earn their trust. And Jeongguk's parents- from his brief moments with them, and from the way Jeongguk described them, were just that. That was precisely what it made it so confusing that Jeongguk seemed hesitant to show himself to them. "Jeongguk..." He began tentatively. "Why didn't you tell your parents?" Somehow, Taehyung could almost feel the dripping, red blood seeping out of Jeongguk's old wounds, even without him mentioning them once.

    That question caught Jeongguk off-guard; he chewed on his lower lip pensively as his precious eyes flitted around the room. "Didn't think of that, I guess..."

    "Jeongguk..." With his tone, Taehyung pleaded for sincerity.

   "Uh... Could we do just one thing at a time, please?"

    "Oh, right... Sorry." He paused. "Keep going."

    "Well... About halfway through freshman year, my brother thought it'd be funny to convince my parents I was gay. I... was so upset... I mean- he only did it because he thought my parents would freak out over it. They didn't, which made me feel better, but I was still hurt. I didn't know what to do. I was angry, and scared, and hurt, and I finally tried to make it stop by leaving Sorah. I abandoned her."

    Taehyung wanted to offer some sort of comfort, but words didn't come right away, so his lips stayed shut.

    Jeongguk continued. "The day after I made up my mind to stop being friends with her... her dad died. And Sorah- she was a mess. She begged me to come, but I didn't. I left her all alone. That's all there is to it, really. I was so selfish that I was willing to abandon her to save my pride." He added, off-handedly, almost comically, "And my nose." He concluded after a sigh."I don't know what else to say. We didn't talk again until you got us together." His head was hung in shame.

    Taehyung suspected Dakota's death only brought up more memories of things Jeongguk would rather have forgotten. Dakota was, in a way, Sorah's replacement, wasn't he? Perhaps Sorah had known that, and that was why she had spoken about him with a hint of contempt in her voice before.

   But, focusing again on Jeongguk, looking so ashamed and upset with himself, Taehyung inched closer, kneeling by the bedside and placing his hand over the boy's knee, waking him up from his daze and reminding him to breathe with just that one gesture.

   Jeongguk responded with the unexpectedly bold action of joining Taehyung on the floor and curling a warm arm around his waist, pulling him close, gripping his shirt with his hands fixed into fists. Taehyung was instantly against his body, taking in a startled breath of his scent. He'd only been this close to Jeongguk once before, only for a moment yesterday, when he'd been panic-stricken, trying to comfort him, directly before Jeongguk had pulled himself away and his stomach fell empty, acid and all having been expelled into the bathroom sink. There hadn't been a second to consider their closeness, then.

   In this moment, much calmer and sweeter, Taehyung finally felt the sensation of Jeongguk's skin, smooth as it pressed against his in limited quantities, blocked by soft cotton, and the absolute ecstasy of his fingertips dragging over his back .

   Taehyung settled his arms around him similarly, his chin placed on his shoulder. "It's okay, Jeongguk. You don't have to feel guilty anymore."

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brooo im finally getting places wooooooo

im going dancing this weekend :D ive missed it so much